SkyEmtRN Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Hun....its been almost 2 months since our break up and I still think about us. I know why you broke up with me and I'm sorry for everything. I know I kept pushing you away but I wasn't doing it on purpose. I was just so busy with school and I wanted to do my best so I know we would have a great future. I tried so hard in school for us. Yes there have been times where I said hurtful things or did not want to spend time with you. But that was just me being stressed out with school. Its not easy going through my first semester of the nursing program. You always gave me the strenght to fight through all the challenges I faced. I may not have spend time with you but when I did I always enjoyed it. I know you became angry and grumpy at me becuase I wouldn't hang out with you. But please understand I was stressed out. I saw you drifting away and I wanted to changed this around. I had 4 tests in one week and I asked and asked to please let me get through them. I know I said that before but this time I wish you would have believed me. I was going to asked you out on a date to the movies after my last test. But then you had your car accident. When I read that message about your accident I quickly left the classroom as soon as I read it. I called you as fast as I can. I was affraid that I lost you or you got hurt. But when I heard your laughs I felt as if I dodged the bullet. Then you said you felt worried about everything. School, job, living at home when your 24, being under paid and having to go back to school. I got to your house as fast as I can. But then...you lost it. You lost your way for me. It hurt so much hearing it from you. I had so many things planned out for us to change my ways and make more time for you. I wanted to take you to rockafeller center to go ice skating, and take you out to a nice restaurant and tell you that I love you all for your x-mas gift. I know I may not have said I love you as much as I should, but that was becuase I wanted it to be speacial everytime I would say it. I wanted it to mean something and just be a routine word or saying. But the truth is I do love you so much. You have me here almost 2 months after still thinking about us. I want to keep fighting but I know its not getting me any where. I want to not talk to you any more but I'm affraid you'll be gone for good. I know you said that you don't have feelings for me anymore, and that part of you wants to see other people and that you just want to be alone. But is that REALLY how you feel. You say your angry at me becuase I took you for granted. But if you would have waited one extra day, if you never had that accident I could have changed this hole situation around. Now I'm kicking myself in the ass and trying so hard to fix my mistakes. I been working out so much and I reduced my school stress. I have more time on my hands now. I told you that after those tests school would have lightened up. And it did, but you ran out of patience for us. Why?? Was it all worth it?? You say you felt trapped and now that your free? But yet you can't give me one reason why you felt that way. I feel as if your just making escuses to hide your true feelings. All this time I been working on myself to be a better person. The person I was when you first met me. The person I should have been throughout the entire relationship. Your my first love and I'm yours to. I know there have been times in the relationship where I thought I wanted to end it, where I thought I too lost feelings for you. But the fact is, I woke up and I realized what I would have lost. And everytime that happened, I became better and stronger, and learned from my mistakes. Now, you went on your trip with your family. You said it hurts to take the teddy bear I gave you with you to the trip. But you took my pillow pet with you. Why would you do that and then tell me "idk". Part of me feels like you still have feelings but your hiding it from us. Its been a little over a month since I saw you and I wish I could see you just to give you a real hug and the most passionate kiss. I want to prove to you that I made changes in my life to have a better us for when/if you do come back. I know we are meant to be. I hate the days that we don't talk. It kills me slowly inside and I wish I knew what you were up to. I wish I could just see you one more time. Stupid me still sees us in the future no matter how much you hurt me but I know I can move on from that pain once you come back. I know I hurt you in the past with my attempts to break it off with you but I was being confused and lost. But you were always there to help me through everything, like I was always there to help you. I asked you to give me 5 reasons why our relationship was bad besides me not spending time with you. And all you said was that I didn't say i love you as much. I could easily changed that but I wanted it to be special when I say it. I have time now for us. And I know I told you all this already but still nothign has changed. I'm out of ideas of what to do, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to hide my true feelings from you everything we talk so you don't see that I'm lost and sad. You have me making up lies saying that I was out with friends when I really wasn't. You say it makes you made becuase I did all these changes after your gone. But better late then never. You may seem like your gone now becuase we havn't talked or texted. But then you say "at the moment the feelings are not there" WTF is this at the moment excuse. Feelings don't just disappear. I always made you smile and laugh and I still do that even after the break up. Stop hiding your feelings and just wake up and realize that the man of your dreams is right infront of your eyes. The man thats going to treat you with the greatest respect. And another thing, I always respected you belief of saving yourself for marriage. I never once pressured you into having sex becuase I respected your choice. And a week before the break up, you were getting more physical. I don't understand.... If this is a goodbye, then I wish you the best. You said overall we had a good relationship....then why throw it away? You just got up and left, you could have talked about this first. But you chose to just end it. I'm not a religous person and you know that but for once in my life I actually made a promise to Him. I told him that if you were to ever come back I promise I would give you the world, give you my full happyness and my full attention with no more mistakes and no more stress, I would give you the greatest future you could possible have.
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