berry01 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 My guy was feeling I was being too controlling (which I was) for a while and I sought therapy and promised him to change. For about a week he was wavering between working things out while speaking to his ex-gf and apparently other women. I finally told him I think it's best for us to take a break for a few days. I made it clear that I was hurt by him speaking to other women and that the purpose of the break would be to have some time to think and figure out if our hearts are with each other or not. He was pissed off that I said I wanted a break but he said since it's what I want he'd give it to me. We planned to speak sometime this week and figure out what we wanted to do in terms of the relationship. I found out last night that he went away for the holiday weekend with his buddy and 2 other women. If he is sleeping or being intimate with one of these women is that considered cheating if we are on a break? I feel so hurt and betrayed I have no idea what to do with my thoughts and emotions (but I haven't broken NC). I don't know what to say to him when and if he does call and if I should bring this weekend up at all. I love him so much and want reconciliation but how much of my self respect can I toss under the bus in my effort to reconcile? I feel as though if I keep letting him get away with this type of behavior maybe he will continue it for the rest of his life. Perhaps, if he fights with his wife he will run off to another woman? To give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe these women are friends and nothing more. If I do bring it up I know his response will be something along the lines of "you called for this break, it's what you wanted, and I gave it to you". I felt very hurt when I first found out but now I am not really upset, I just feel betrayed. I don't know if this is the last straw for me, probably not, but I also have no idea how to handle the situation in order to handle my own emotions and not piss him off ... please help
FitChick Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 You broke up. It's not cheating. You should set up some dates on your own so if you get back together you can accidentally mention it to him so he appreciates you more.
Feelsgoodman Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I found out last night that he went away for the holiday weekend with his buddy and 2 other women. If he is sleeping or being intimate with one of these women is that considered cheating if we are on a break? No, how is it cheating if you are on a break? When you take a break, it means that you are suspending your relationship to explore other options/opportunities. That's exactly what he's doing. And since you are the one who instigated this break, you really have no right to complain. Personally, I think you should end this relationship and take a break from dating in general while you work on yourself. It sounds like you still have unresolved issues.
Author berry01 Posted November 27, 2011 Author Posted November 27, 2011 I am definitely assuming the worst, but even if it was a friendly thing I feel like spending several nights under one roof when you are 2 days into taking a break from the woman you love is just not right. Right before this break he told me to "enjoy my fling" and I clearly told him the point of this break is not to see anyone else just to have a breather. Anyway, my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. I am so confused and just don't know if I should bring it up when he does call or not. Overall, it's made me feel crappy and low because I'd never do this to him, especially right now. I actually had the opportunity to go on a date this weekend and I rejected because I didn't want it to hurt him if he happened to find out.
Cypress25 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I finally told him I think it's best for us to take a break for a few days. From the way you worded it here, it doesn't sound like you were breaking up with him. It sounds like you just wanted to have a few days of no contact, to give both of you a chance to think about the relationship. Not speaking to each other for a few days is not the same as breaking up. When you take a break, it means that you are suspending your relationship to explore other options/opportunities. No it doesn't. Unless they explicitly agree on that. In this case, it sounds like taking a break meant not talking to each other for a few days. Sometimes couples need to do that if they've been arguing a lot lately, and they both need a few days to calm down. But they're still in a relationship, so neither of them should be exploring other options. If you want to explore other options, then you need to fully break up with your current partner. End the relationship for good, then explore other options. It's not OK to use a few days of silence as an opportunity to cheat on your partner. Especially if you've already agreed to talk again in a few days. Obviously, the relationship is not over yet.
ditzchic Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 No it doesn't. Unless they explicitly agree on that. In this case, it sounds like taking a break meant not talking to each other for a few days. I disagree. I think that unless you explicitly agree that this is just a couple of days of no contact, nothing more nothing less, than it is to be assumed that the "break" is a break up. Never is it ok for one partner to expect another partner to wait for them without a specific discussion. Sometimes when you ask for "space" or a "break", you get more of it than you can actually handle. This should be thought about before you make the decision to tell someone to put their life on hold for you.
tassle01 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 We did explicitly agree that this was a break for a few days and we would speak again early this week. This was definitely not a break up. We've been arguing a lot lately and he was getting upset about everything as was I so I told him we should just take a breather to think about our relationship, our previous mistakes and decide if we want to work things out. He said he would call me this week, and we've been NC since Friday. That's why I am so frustrated, I didn't take this as an opportunity to go explore my options and if that's what I wanted I would have completely ended the relationship. He should have given me that same courtesy. I don't want to fight with him again after this break so I'm not sure if I should bring the weekend up or ask him where he was or even tell him I know where he was. I don't want to badger him with questions because I used to do that and it created a rift between us. I just don't know what to do because I don't know exactly what the purpose of his weekend getaway was and I'm not sure if discussing it with him will bring any sort of consolation.
soulm8 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Right before this break he told me to "enjoy my fling" and I clearly told him the point of this break is not to see anyone else just to have a breather. Anyway, my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. I am so confused and just don't know if I should bring it up when he does call or not. Overall, it's made me feel crappy and low because I'd never do this to him, especially right now. I actually had the opportunity to go on a date this weekend and I rejected because I didn't want it to hurt him if he happened to find out. You are not on the same wavelength. Dust yourself off and don't wait around for him (don't break NC). You deserve someone who is more mature.
Feelsgoodman Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I disagree. I think that unless you explicitly agree that this is just a couple of days of no contact, nothing more nothing less, than it is to be assumed that the "break" is a break up. Never is it ok for one partner to expect another partner to wait for them without a specific discussion. Sometimes when you ask for "space" or a "break", you get more of it than you can actually handle. This should be thought about before you make the decision to tell someone to put their life on hold for you. Well said. You can't expect the other person to wait on you while you make up your mind. Human beings are not like items at a store that you can put on layaway.
oaks Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I found out last night that he went away for the holiday weekend with his buddy and 2 other women. If he is sleeping or being intimate with one of these women is that considered cheating if we are on a break? Depends what "on a break" means. You're the one who instigated this break - so how come you don't know the rules?
Cypress25 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 You can't expect the other person to wait on you while you make up your mind. If you specify that you just need a few days to think, then you can certainly expect the other person to wait. It would be different if the OP asked for a break for an indefinite period of time, but they both agreed that it would only be a few days. If the guy can't even wait 3 or 4 days, then he's a loser who doesn't care about his girlfriend. Even after an official breakup, most people wait more than 3 or 4 days before they start looking for a new partner.
ditzchic Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Ok so if you say you made the rules and this whole thing was just a couple of days no contact, why are you freaking out? Do you have any real, concrete reason to believe that he may have cheated on you? Were one or both of these women exes of his? Did you hear rumors or something? Has he cheated before? I mean you told him you needed time to think to think... did you expect him to just sit at home in the dark crying while waiting for you while you thought? Unless you have a real reason to be suspicious, let it go. The guy has every right to do things that keep him occupied and in good spirits while you leave him hang. As long as he's keeping it in the boundaries that were set.
tassle01 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Neither of the women were his ex. I would feel differently if he went out to a bar or somewhere to hang out with his friends and there happened to be women there. But going away with a friend and 2 random women, sleeping under one roof, really raises my eyebrows. I will probably never know if he slept with any of them because all I know is that they went there together and if I were to ask him if anything happened he would probably reply that I wanted a break, we weren't together so whatever happened or did not happen shouldn't matter. When he expressed to me he was upset I was asking for a break, I told him I don't even want a break if we can just work things out. Since none of my efforts to work things out were working I felt like taking a breather from each other was the only option at that point. If and when he calls me how do you guys think I should approach the situation? I'm not sure if bringing up this weekend would be wise or not, he might get pissed off and say that I wanted a break and he gave it to me now I am complaining and shut me out again. Really not sure how I should handle speaking to him again.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 A BREAK is a BREAK is a BREAK is a BREAK... hence it's the first word in BREAK(ing) UP. *If you need to take a sick day, or you need a weekend getaway, that is something else entirely. According to the logic we learn on the Maury Povich show... if on a Tuesday afternoon at 4:22pm, one partner in a relationship between young people so much as utters the word "break", it gives the other partner a chance to go out and conceive as many children as he/she can possibly conceive during the 8 hours before 12:30am when one, the other, or both return home drunk and insist that they are "back together again". The only flaw in this long-held belief is that few are inspired to document the dates and hours of note to be held for a period of at least 9 months (plus the 4-ish week turn-around time to get on the Maury show). If one partner told the other: "I need a break (from us) for a few days" and had any other, irrational meaning in mind, he/she gets what she deserves (usually in the form of a paternity test - {which you can finance yourself, or for which you can get Maury to foot the bill} ). Thank heaven Maury is there for us. And for God's sake, NO it isn't cheating when you're on a "break" !!!
tassle01 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I'm not sure how much I agree with this. Maury or no Maury, it's my life and someone who says they loved me and was with me for the long haul should never put himself in such an incriminating position if he has intentions of working things out which is what I thought his intentions were. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do or say next? Especially if and when he initiates contact?
carhill Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Another way to look at it is if a person moves on so quickly, whether to pursue another sexual/romantic opportunity or solidify one already in the works, they aren't really a person who is compatible for a LTR/M with you anyway, essentially because they don't really care much about you or the relationship you had/have. What to do or say next? Here's my version: 'We're done'
Cypress25 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do or say next? Especially if and when he initiates contact? Since you don't know if anything unethical happened during his weekend trip, I would ignore it for now. Just have the talk that you were planning to have with him. Don't throw a new conflict into the mix. If you talk and decide to stay together and work things out, perhaps you could inquire about his weekend trip at a later time. Much later, like after your existing problems have been worked out. But going away with a friend and 2 random women, sleeping under one roof, really raises my eyebrows. I do have a question about this though. Was he already planning on this trip before you asked for NC? Or was this something he decided to do after you asked for it? And for God's sake, NO it isn't cheating when you're on a "break" !!! I don't think they were taking a break from the relationship. I think they were taking a break from speaking to each other for a few days. Just because you go 3-4 days without talking to your SO doesn't mean you're single now. You're still in a relationship, you're just giving each other time to calm down so you won't argue anymore.
tassle01 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Deep down inside I do think he cares but there was so much that went on between us I just feel like it pushed him away and maybe this was his out or maybe this was his way to rebel like a little kid would against his mom. I don't know what's going on in his head, but I'd like to believe the two years we spent together weren't a sham and that he really does care. What he did this weekend was a complete sign of disrespect towards me and although I'm not trying to make excuses for him maybe there was something behind this I don't know. I am not ready to say it's over.
tassle01 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 That's exactly what we were doing Cypress25, taking a few days so we don't fight and coming back together to figure out if we want to break up or continue in the relationship. I've kept NC through knowing he's away with these girls, it's been very difficult. I don't think this trip was planned in advance. To be honest, I don't even know what conversation I was planning to have with him originally, everything I planned before is all a blur now, I just don't know what to do or say ... that's why I'm just NC until I don't know when. I feel so emotionally torn and distressed.
carhill Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Right before this break he told me to "enjoy my fling" Love the projection. Watch the canaries (doubts) and don't give too many benefits thereupon.
ditzchic Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 A BREAK is a BREAK is a BREAK is a BREAK... hence it's the first word in BREAK(ing) UP. *If you need to take a sick day, or you need a weekend getaway, that is something else entirely. According to the logic we learn on the Maury Povich show... if on a Tuesday afternoon at 4:22pm, one partner in a relationship between young people so much as utters the word "break", it gives the other partner a chance to go out and conceive as many children as he/she can possibly conceive during the 8 hours before 12:30am when one, the other, or both return home drunk and insist that they are "back together again". The only flaw in this long-held belief is that few are inspired to document the dates and hours of note to be held for a period of at least 9 months (plus the 4-ish week turn-around time to get on the Maury show). If one partner told the other: "I need a break (from us) for a few days" and had any other, irrational meaning in mind, he/she gets what she deserves (usually in the form of a paternity test - {which you can finance yourself, or for which you can get Maury to foot the bill} ). Thank heaven Maury is there for us. And for God's sake, NO it isn't cheating when you're on a "break" !!! A wise woman once said "If you like it then you shoulda putta ring on it." Well sir, I indeed like this post. May I ask what your ring size is?
tassle01 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Carhill, it was definitely projection and I thought that as soon as he said it. I guess there's nothing I can really do from now, I want to just erase knowing about this weekend all together and never mention it, but it'll be too difficult to do that. I guess I can only play it by ear and see what unfolds in the following days
make me believe Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Ehh I think once a relationship gets to the point where you have to "take a break" to think things over and you aren't even married or anything, it's pretty much over anyway. I don't think I've ever seen a couple bounce back successfully after taking a break. It always leads to an official break up, in my experience. His comment telling you to "enjoy your fling" was total projection, and I think you're kidding yourself if you really believe that 2 guys and 2 girls would go on vacation together & stay in the same house & everything is just on "friendly" terms.
carhill Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I found out last night that he went away for the holiday weekend with his buddy and 2 other womenHow did you find this out? Is the source credible/reliable? If I'm pushing an 'agenda' here, it's that, no matter how controlling of a biatch you or he might think you've been, it in no way excuses or validates his choices of words or behaviors. He owns them, solely. IMO, a man who cares about you/loves you and is a mature adult would not make statements like you repeated here and would not take such obvious unilateral actions, as you discovered, immediately and proactively. For about a week he was wavering between working things out while speaking to his ex-gf and apparently other women.More canaries.
tassle01 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Yes, the source is 100% reliable. I agree that what he did was not right and no excuse in the book will be able to validate his actions in my eyes. If I DO bring this situation up his defense will be "you wanted a break, we weren't together and so I did whatever I wanted to this weekend" (I can usually predict his reactions to things) and if I DON'T bring it up then I will have to live with wondering what happened, what didn't happen and where I go from there. I love him so much and would forgive him for almost anything, but not when my pride is rolled under the carpet and I'm being walked all over. Feeling so conflicted..
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