triplethreat Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 This will be a very long first post, so please bear with me. I am a 21 year old male who goes to a small university in the Northeastern part of the United States. Since the beginning of college you could say that I experienced love at first sight. I knew she was the girl for me, and on the last day of our freshman year I asked her out. For the next two and a half years things were exceptional. Nothing is ever perfect, but it was as perfect as it could be. This past semester has been really tough for both of us. I was a Resident Assistant for over a year and there were rumors going around that I had cheated on her. As you will see in my letter below I could never have done that. Some of her sorority sisters and friends who disliked me helped to spread these. It is a very small university so word traveled fast. I had to assure her that I never did any of this, but as you will see they got to her eventually. A few weeks ago she was accepted into a fellowship program that begins in mid-May. This requires her to move about 3000 miles away. I was excited for her but did not show it as much as I should have. I think this caused some uncertainty. I went on a 4-day hunting trip with her father and when I came back she needed to talk. She was scared, thinks she has feelings for someone else, and just needed time. She woke up in my [former] best friend's room after a night out. She has never been one to drink or party. I was utterly shocked when I heard about this. We talked about it and she agreed to try and work things out with me. For three days things were well. The morning she broke up with me I went to her house and we had breakfast. She gave me a bag of things to take to my house as she was spending the night with me. Later in the evening she pulls into the driveway of my condominium, in a car that was not hers. So she comes up and knocks at my door. I open it and she is there with one of her sorority sisters. She asked for her stuff, I obliged. We stared at each other for a few minutes in the doorway, a look of regret I will never forget. She said goodbye, as did I. Since then I have not talked to her about anything except an issue with a dog breeder we were looking at. I have a yellow lab waiting to be picked up but I am not sure that I can do it alone. Her family loved me, even her mother said just give her time and space. Her father told me that I am no longer invited to any of the Family Football parties until he better understands everything, just to respect her decisions. I wrote this letter last night to get my feelings out on paper: Jane, while the past few weeks have been tough for me they have helped me realize many things about my life. First of all I need to acknowledge that you made a decision that I must live with. I have to respect that decision as you are the only one who can reverse that choice. You are the second person to ever know my true past, that my mother cheated on my stepfather and ruined my family. It took me years to get over that because I did not understand the situation at the time. Just recently I talked to my mother for the first time in four years because I needed someone to reach out to. We talked about this situation, and low and behold, it parallels hers back then. One thing my mother told me is that when you love someone you have to be willing to do anything and everything to make it work. They got back together because they loved each other even though they may not have felt it completely. She fell into the trap of feeling like she felt something for someone else while her life was such a mess. This is often known as the grass is greener syndrome (GIGS). When someone is in a relationship for a few years they begin to feel like there is something not right. One partner may begin to feel as though there is something better out there because they have gotten used to the other. Love may fade but it never truly disappears. This decision to cheat on my stepfather was one that she struggled with immensely. It was an almost instinctual reaction when things were not going right in our family. She thought she felt something for someone else because she was not working to fix what was wrong between her and her husband. There were simple communication issues, and the proverbial “spark” was not there anymore. It took a ton of work to make the situation right, to put the spark back into the relationship before it was too late. She never truly cared about the person she thought she liked, she just thought that the grass was greener on the other side. In the case of our relationship I have to let you come to realize this on your own, hopefully before it is too late. I have no clue idea what people have told you and frankly it should not matter in the scope of our relationship. All of these people you call friends have told you lies. You of all people should know that the majority of these allegations are false. I could never cheat Jane. It makes me sick to even think about hurting you like that. When I think about this whole situation one of two songs plays over and over in my head: Run baby run Don't ever look back They'll tear us apart if you give them the chance Don't sell your heart, don't say we're not meant to be Run baby run, forever will be You and me You have let these people tear us apart and all I can do is idly stand by because I have no choice but to respect your decisions. I am a fighter Jane but this is something that I cannot fight unless you are all in with me. While it may not feel “right” anymore, I know you still feel something, and in the end that is all we need to work through this together. I know that I have made some mistakes – I can stand to be more supportive and less jumpy at times, I can be less clingy, among other things – I know I can change. They are small things that once fixed only allow us to grow together. These little things that I have done have undoubtedly caused a loss of attraction, this feeling of falling out of love. One thing that you cannot change is love, plain and simple. The past four years have been the best of my life because of you. We have gone camping, skiing, and shared so many other memories together. For once in my life I feel as though I had found my true family. These feelings don’t have to end here. I have always been in this for the long haul and it is perfectly fine to be scared. Being scared is a natural response to changes in life. There is a sense of uncertainty when things are right around the corner. I am sorry I was not more supportive of you going to [insert city here], but know that I could not be more proud of you. As much as I am scared I am also ecstatic because it is an opportunity for us to grow while pursuing our careers, in hopes that in a few years we will be together again and much better off because of our experiences. I cannot force you to be with me but I can remind you that choices are forever. I know deep down in my heart that what you did with [my former friend] is forgivable and it is something we can build upon. He used you and played on your feelings. He is not a friend to have done that. You are simply going through that GIGS phase where things are getting too comfortable. It is normal and something that just needs to be worked on. To get through all of this you need to trust me, a person who has always been there the past four years. You have to believe that I would never ever do such a thing to hurt you as people are accusing me of. Take a step back and think about these people who are trying to tear us apart. They have never liked me, one of them has a sexual interest in you, and the others have always been jealous. Eric was with me literally 24/7 last year, don’t you think he would have told you if I was cheating? You need to get a different perspective on this and realize that I could never do anything to hurt you. I love you way too much for that. There is nothing else I can say to try and convince you of that. I can only hope you realize that after college, after this time of transition, these people you call friends, these people we both used to call friends will not be there forever. I will always love you unconditionally. That is how I can even say I want to be here with you and work through this. I truly know we are right for each other and I am willing to work hard to make this what it should be and not what others are pressuring it to be. I am here for you Jane. We must both use the past few weeks to grow into stronger people and a stronger couple. Your nickname in high school was the “Stonewall Goalie” because you were unbreakable. You were so awesome that no matter how many shots people took at you in goal you were able to throw all of them off to the side. This is quite a mess Jane, no doubt about it. It is not so bad that we cannot work to fix it, however. Be that girl I know you can be, and let’s get back to our roots and use each other as the “rocks” that anchor each other to reality. Other people do not mean anything and should not have done as much damage as they have. Over the past few days I have been doing a lot of reading about the Civil War. Perhaps it is to try and better understand where you are coming from, your mindset in all of this. One thing that has stuck in my mind night after night the past few days is the Battle of Chancellorsville. General Lee was never one to play by the rules of war. People thought some of his tactics were down right crazy. Even though Lee was outnumbered by as many as 2-to-1 by Stonewall Jackson in the battle, he divided his forces and forced the Union Army to retreat by flanking them. This was contrary to standard or popular tactics at the time. Against a much bigger force Lee outsmarted Jackson and won the battle against all odds. Against a much bigger force, the people who are so blatantly against us, we can too prevail and come out on top as the victors. Life is one continuous battle and we must go against the grain and not let others break us. We cannot let popular belief dictate who we are, who we date, and what we truly believe. I am here for you Jane. Whatever that means. I love you. Call me. I really do not know what to do anymore. I love her so much and feel like this is just one big mess. The worst part about it is that only she can truly give it a second shot. She has to be willing. She is technically out of school in three weeks, because she entered with 16 credits. I feel as though if there is any chance of re-kindling before she leaves it is after the semester is over and when she is a bit removed from the drama. I have to see her in class tomorrow and I plan on just saying “Hi” and giving her a nice big smile. I am wondering if I should ask to talk to her now after class tomorrow, or wait a few more weeks. I know this is not truly her. She is scared and acting on it. She kissed me the morning before she broke up with me, and said I love you and I will see you later. How can someone be that bi-polar. Sorry for venting, I just need an outlet while trying to keep NC. Thanks.
Author triplethreat Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Some updates. I have still had NC with the ex, but I feel like I need to break that soon. Here are some text messages related to the breakup and the cheating accusations: E, 6:37PM, Nov 19 we r forwarding this to [your ex] as well just so it hurts u even more. I want to let u know how much of a loser u are. J and I actually got [your ex], the sorority, and other people to believe that we slept with u. A few rumors go a long way. I hope the pain that u get from not being with her is enough to show u that u should learn how to be a true friend and not just push people away. Hope ur life is good without her cuz it made us feel alot better knowing we were able to ruin your life. Lets see if she ever gets back with u now. Oh and if you or her ever ask us about any of this we will just deny it so get over it. E and J E, 10:31AM, Nov 28 I am really sorry but I can’t admit to lying about this cuz it would betray so many friends. If u had cheated this would be so much easier. I am sorry. E, 10:35AM, Nov 28 You just have to hope [your ex] knows that you would never do that to her with J or me. I really feel bad and wish I could help. She will come around. J, 10:38AM, Nov 28 You know that I could never cheat on my boyfriend. Truth is I really liked [the kid who my ex woke up with] and told him that we hooked up to make him jealous. Maybe he used that against u J, 10:29AM, Nov 28 I knwo he likes [your ex] and all and I am sorry that this whole thing turned out the way it did. I hope she finds a way to see that you would never do that to her. J, 10:40AM, Nov 28 It may be best if we stopped texting. I feel like I should sit down with my ex and go over the messages one by one. The two girls are blatantly admitting to lying about everything, in a text message. I do not get the first one, it is so incoherent. But the two separate conversations with the two girls who accused me of cheating are much better. I have no clue what to do. Should I fight for what my heart still wants, or just let it be. There is such a web of lies going on here that I can see how my ex put herself in that position she did. I really want to fix this, I just do not know how.
skywriter Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 triplethreat, If there is any way that you can copy those text mssgs. and mail them to her home, you should. You seem to care so much for her, that if you don't do everything possible to assure her of your innocence, you won't be able to rest. You seem like such a good guy. I hope this situation will turn aound and go well in your favor.
Author triplethreat Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 I sent the ex a text: I know you really don't want to talk to me, but it is really important that we do so now. There have been some messages floating around that you need to see first hand on my phone. This drama and these rumors have ruined us, and I am not going to let it go on anymore. Let's meet up somewhere, you pick the time and (public) place, just us. You owe me this much. She responded 20 minutes later: I really do not have time to meet this week, we will find another time to meet, I promise. Another: I promise we will talk. I just can't talk this week. Do I press the issue? What is another week, right?
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