I can't deal with his decission...

[bad_dream]

Hello everyone!

 

Before I proceed- I'm very sorry if my English at some parts is broken. I'm not a native English speaker, but I'll do my best describing my situation.

 

Some of you, after reading this, may think that I'm a bad woman and I deserved what happened to me. I can really deal with this and I can take every constructive criticism. But before you do that, please, read carefully.

 

Over a year ago I met a guy online. We both were in long-term relationships, but both of us used to complain a lot about our partners. I'm not going to try to write too much about how we met and get to the point- after about a month of every day contact via MSN, we felt the spark between us and started talking about more private things. Essentially, we were talking about our lives, about how we'd like to change things and how cool it would be to meet up sometime (there was like 7 thousand miles distance between us!). Of course, sexual subjects were an every day thing, too.

We were flirting a lot every day. Finally, after 3-4 months, he told me that he felt something more than just attraction. Told me that he loved me. I had honestly no clue if it was possible to love someone online, but I responded the same way. I felt the same.

 

Each day we were getting into this deeper and deeper. Started seeing each other on cam, talking every single day- honestly, there was no way for us to NOT talk to each other. We could split for 4 hours and after that one of us would send an email or text saying: "are you okay, sweetheart? where are you?".

 

Finally, there was a time where he told me how much he wanted me to be with him in real life. How much he'd want to change his future. My relationship wasn't really fulfilling, so thinking about having him in real was making me happy and excited. I heard: "I PROMISE that I will do my best to make all of your dreams true" or "I PROMISE that I'll get you here and make you live with me". Honestly, I trusted him.

 

We met in real life this year, after 7 months of knowing each other online. He couldn't obviously fly alone, so he took his girlfriend to meet up with me and my boyfriend. I know it all sounds silly, but it was the only way for us to at least see each other in person. We all hung out. Both me and him had to hide that we had a romantic interest in each other. It hurt me a lot seeing him hugging his girlfriend, but I still had to hide that everything was fine. When we had a minute of privacy, he kissed me and assured me that he really did love me. When he and his partner left Europe, I sent him an email telling him that I gave up. I saw that he really cared for her, regardless of what he was telling me in privacy (kissing her and hugging her wasn't the thing I wanted to see). I said that we should have stayed friends, so I didn't need to suffer seeing them next time. In response, I read that he couldn't deal with it and still wanted to keep loving me. Promises kept on going and I decided to continue this, too. I was (and still am) madly in love with him, so I decided to give this a try.

 

For the next half a year, everything was like in a fairytale, except for the fact, that we both were far away from each other and both still in relationships. He invited me and my partner to America, to visit them (we hosted them for 4 days in Europe). We flew there a month ago. Honestly, I had no idea that I would suffer so badly being there. Me and my boyfriend were avoiding each other, since things between us weren't good (I don't know why we were still together), but he and his girlfriend were constantly giving each other loads of attention (they hosted us in their house). It looked to me like they both were absolutely inseparable. There was no attraction between them, but a lot of care and love. He treated her more like his daughter than gf, but it was still clearly visible, that their relationship wasn't as bad as he said it was.

 

I cried many times and my boyfriend kept asking me why. I couldn't obviously respond, so I kept making up dumb excuses. The one that I love was still kissing me and hugging me in the dark, when no one could see us. Whenever his girlfriend left the house, he was taking me out behind my bf's back and taking me to places. He seemed really in love. He was kissing my hands, kissing me on the lips, touching me the way no one ever touched me. I think it's useless to hide that I slept with him, too...

 

Whenever we were alone, he was looking deep into my eyes and telling me that he loved me like he never loved anyone else. That he'll keep trying to be with me and that we'll change each other's lives. Again, I trusted him. He was telling me for over a year that he loved me and each moment of privacy was the most beautiful proof of that.

 

Finally, something started going wrong. Everything started when his girlfriend told me enthusiastically in privacy, that she and him will get married "soon". I felt like thousand needles nailed my heart in one second. I congratulated, but didn't say anything else. Changed subject and cried after that alone in the bathroom.

 

The next day when me and him were alone, I asked about it. He said that she was probably having her own visions and in fact they didn't plan marriage. I felt relieved, but I still felt that something was wrong.

 

We were sitting in his car. The atmosphere felt really weird. I grabbed his forearm, put my face close to it and told him that I was afraid of losing him. For some reason, I smiled, get his face close to mine and kissed his cheek.

 

Out of nowhere, he told me that it was time to make a decission. I thought that decission was honestly made and we were now just waiting to handle this somehow. He told me... that he cares and loves his girlfriend too much to leave her, that we should stay friends. My chest squished and tears started flowing like a river. All I heard was "I'm so sorry... I'm so, so sorry that I failed you and caused you pain". I didn't know what to say. I turned my head in the opposite direction and started crying more. He said "I feel so useless". The whole drive back to his house everything was so silent. He could just hear me weeping.

 

At his house, I went to my bedroom and stayed there for the rest of the day, crying. I made an excuse that I had a bad stomachache. He was still walking into my room, telling me that he still loves me regardless of his decission and that he still cares. I still don't understand why he kept walking in and out, kissing my hands and sending me kisses, too.

 

The next day I was trying to avoid him. With him it was the opposite. He was giving me maximum attention and walking next to me wherever we went. Finally I thought that maybe he regreted his decission and wanted to be close to me again, that maybe he really loved me. We kissed, touched and hugged again. Many, many times before my flight back home.

 

Now, when I'm here, far away from him again, things are different. He still writes, still flirts with me, but there's no "I love you", no "I care for you". Our contact is really poor and whenever we pass by each other, I just keep asking him questions why he kept trying to get close to me after he actually ended this relationship. All I can hear is "I don't want to talk about this" or "I don't know". He cannot legitimately answer to any of my questions, making things even harder on both me and him. When I asked last time: "is there a chance for me still?", he answed, as always, "I don't know". I can be silent the whole day and he wouldn't even ask if I'm okay.

It hurts so much, that it makes me cry all the time.

 

He perfectly knew that I was ready to sacrifice everything for him; my current relationship, home, close friends. He was and he still is my entire world. I was never so in love with anyone and even though it was a painful idea, I still wanted to see him even with his girlfriend.

 

I know this whole story sounds probably silly and also immature, but right now, I feel like I can't deal with this. We had so many plans regarding ourselves, so many, many plans. I was sure that my life was set and the only thing I was worried about, was to hurt my boyfriend. He seemed to be worried about the same thing, but gave up trying.

 

I know that maybe this is some kind of a punishment for me, but I really do love this man. I would give to him everything I have and I would sacrifice the smallest thing for (as I thought...) the love of my life. He was telling me so many times that he was scared of losing me. Now he lost me because he WANTED it and he CHOSE it.

 

I can't stop crying and think of him. He still doesn't write, doesn't give a sign. I know that right now he's probably having fun and he's happy, but I feel terrible knowing that I probably lost him forever. I feel so empty, lost and depressed. It's so tempting to write to him, to ask how he is. I don't know if he still loves me or not. I don't know if he tries to avoid me because he tries to stop loving me, or he just wants to run away from all the questions I keep asking him. I hate him and love him at the same time. I don't know what to do. I'm about to move from the house, because I can't stay with my partner that I don't love anymore. And this way, I end up being alone.

 

Could someone advise me? Should I forget about him and start my life over or should I fight for him?

[Jono85]

i'm sorry, i read half of it, but i became too annoyed and disgusted by both you and this guy. the both of you are so selfish it's sickening. not sure how it ended but i can hope karma bit you in the ass. your bf and his gf can hopefully move on and never look back. this pisses me off.

[BoredAgain]

Yeah, I couldn't get through the entire thing either. I ended up skimming most of it. Seems like it's a relationship full of drama. That sort of thing isn't good for anybody.