somedude81 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Please tell me I'm wrong. On Friday, I was talking to my cousin, who's much better with women I am, and I told him that I was hoping the girl I was spending time with would have fallen for me. He said that girls don't really fall for guys till after they've had sex. The last thread I made touched on this, but everybody focused on the alcohol aspect. So how true is it that women don't really develop feelings for men till after sex? And if that's the case, why are they having sex with men that they don't have feelings for?
in_absentia Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Because sex feels good, relieves stress and can be fun?! Not every woman needs every sexual relationship to involve feelings. I don't think you can fully fall for someone until you've had sex because you don't know how compatible you're going to be in bed. I think you can have strong feelings to a certain extent but until you've been intimate, they're really just a fantasy. From my own experience the two guys I've been in love with (my ex and my awesome current boyfriend), I slept with them both before we became official or said the 'L' word etc. It started off as just friends with benefits (true friendships that turned sexual) and over time morphed into a serious loving relationship. Plus these days people don't tend to feel they need to be officially exclusive before they hook up.
fortyninethousand322 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I've seen it break down both ways (with and without sex). But, generally, the instances in which the girl fell for the guy without sex, it was a guy who was good with women.
carhill Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I would modify 'do' develop feelings after sex with 'can' develop feelings after sex, meaning feelings of love and attachment. Also, their perception of the quality of the lovemaking is part of that process. Read the anecdotes on LS from women for more information on that aspect. They're having sex with men they have feelings of attraction for. That's quite different from feelings of love and/or emotional attachment. The best way to put it into male terms is do you love/are you attached to the woman you've just met at the bar, hit it off with and take home and have sex with (hypothetically)? I doubt it. You're in lust with her, find her attractive and want to have sex with her. Now, you're thinking you're dating a woman, getting to know her and wondering why it's different for her. One solution is to ask her. A healthy woman can talk about her feelings in general terms and her actions will match up with her talk. I've yet to meet a woman who becomes emotionally attached in a healthy way prior to sex but anything is possible, as there are billions of more data points to experience. IME, the key is to progress the interaction with sexual expression being on the table at all times, even if/when sex (intercourse or other genital interaction) is not contemplated immediately. Create the boundary that clearly defines this interaction as sexual and romantic. Nature will take its course. Adjunct to this key, be clear about your own needs and desires and understand that this is a mutually voluntary interaction and you are free to leave at any time. My mistake was, overwhelmingly, remaining in unsatisfactory and unsatisfying dynamics much longer than health indicated. Get out if it isn't working for you, whether that is the first interaction or ten or a hundred down the road.
grkBoy Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Many times it happens...especially with the low self-esteem girls. They get an orgasm with a guy, the oxytocin kicks in, and now they grow feelings. Seen many guys get women "hooked" when they took advantage of them when drunk. Not rape, but more started foreplay and she "caved in" and had sex with him.
iris219 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I don’t have sex with men I don’t already have feelings for. I did a couple of times when I was younger, but I knew no feelings would develop and it was just for fun. Why would I use an intimate act like sexual intercourse as the test for whether or not I will be able to develop feelings for someone? I can’t imagine, at this point in my life, having sex with someone I wasn’t already emotionally attached to.
threebyfate Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Please tell me I'm wrong. On Friday, I was talking to my cousin, who's much better with women I am, and I told him that I was hoping the girl I was spending time with would have fallen for me. He said that girls don't really fall for guys till after they've had sex. The last thread I made touched on this, but everybody focused on the alcohol aspect. So how true is it that women don't really develop feelings for men till after sex? And if that's the case, why are they having sex with men that they don't have feelings for?This is wrong. It's self-serving nonsense exaggerated and proliferated by PUA mentality. We do bond prior to sex. And once sex is in the picture, it continues the bond since it's an extension of intimacy already created prior. Of course you're going to find women who confuse sex for intimacy and/or caring so they kamikaze leap from bed to bed.
Freddys Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Is very simple . . Women will have sex with guys they fall in love with. The exact opposite for men.
MrNate 2.0 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 This is yet another topic worth not getting caught up in, Somedude81. I think taking all these tips/hints in will only complicate things. If you stretch yourself too many ways, you won't get anything done. I say empty the clutter and focus on developing yourself, and making yourself awesome.
monkey00 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 A lot of women actually use the sex thing as a way to trap guys into a relationship with them. I think it's only fair and natural because sex for women is an emotional bonding process. There is an evolutionary basis to having sex with a mate and having them stick around to provide/care for the family/offspring. But I'm pretty sure a woman can still fall for a guy even if she hasn't had sex with him. Sex though probably acts as sealing the deal and allowing them fall for the guy even more.
norajane Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 A lot of women actually use the sex thing as a way to trap guys into a relationship with them. I think it's only fair and natural because sex for women is an emotional bonding process. There is an evolutionary basis to having sex with a mate and having them stick around to provide/care for the family/offspring. But I'm pretty sure a woman can still fall for a guy even if she hasn't had sex with him. Sex though probably acts as sealing the deal and allowing them fall for the guy even more. How does this trapping men into a relationship by using sex work exactly?
monkey00 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 How does this trapping men into a relationship by using sex work exactly? It works for the woman in that she won't put out unless he wants to be in a LTR with her, which is what she's looking for. It also helps to filter out the guys who are just looking to sleep around and not commit.
dasein Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 (edited) Your cousin is absolutely correct, and it has zilch to do with PUA culture. Once a woman has had sex, the power dynamic changes, and women respond most to men with more power over them, perceived or actual. Before sex, she is like an HR manager with a sharp red pencil, marking every flaw on your resume' in an effort to nix you and cut down the number of applicants. After sex, she becomes a very different kind of HR manager, trying to fit your resume' into the job despite your actual qualifications. "I had sex with him, so he must be worthy, else I am to blame for being sexually indiscriminate, an unacceptable position." Their vanity and inability to deal with personal responsibility for their actions causes this kind of irrational polar shift in perspective. With women, you will find no middle ground between goat and hero, and which pole you are on in the early going often depends on whether you have had sex with her. EDIT: On a side note, the above also explains the origin and popularity of the term "friend with benefits" among women. Edited November 27, 2011 by dasein
carhill Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 How does this trapping men into a relationship by using sex work exactly? In the old days it was known as 'feminine wiles', with the pleasure of sex being one potent tool in that toolbox. What differentiates this path from the 'falling in love' path is the cognition of and pragmatism regarding the processes. Goal sought, methodology described, action taken, eye on the goal, not the person. As an extreme measure, pregnancy was sometimes utilized to seal the deal, to impel the man to do the 'right thing'. More generally to the topic, given the expressed proclivities of many LS women to have casual and uncommitted sex with men whom they've apparently not fallen in love with nor are committed to, one can only wonder how this mutually exclusive dynamic is resolved. One potential is the categorization of 'feelings', meaning 'I have feelings for this guy, so I will have sex with him' but those feelings aren't 'I love him' or 'I'm attached to him' or 'I want to marry him'. Perhaps what I call 'lust' they call 'feelings', IDK. In any event, I agree with this advice for the OP: "This is yet another topic worth not getting caught up in, Somedude81. I think taking all these tips/hints in will only complicate things. If you stretch yourself too many ways, you won't get anything done. I say empty the clutter and focus on developing yourself, and making yourself awesome." I hope it isn't lost upon him.
monkey00 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 (edited) In the old days it was known as 'feminine wiles', with the pleasure of sex being one potent tool in that toolbox. What differentiates this path from the 'falling in love' path is the cognition of and pragmatism regarding the processes. Goal sought, methodology described, action taken, eye on the goal, not the person. As an extreme measure, pregnancy was sometimes utilized to seal the deal, to impel the man to do the 'right thing'. Exactly. I have a friend actually who got his gf pregnant. But for their age it was foolish that she didn't use birth control and he didn't use condoms, and instead did the ol' withdrawal method for years. Finally one day he woke up and realized he was going to be a dad by accident and he broke down and cried. But before he got her pregnant he kept complaining about breaking up with her, etc. So she chose not to get an abortion and he has no choice but to play the father role, they are now engaged. Their baby was born last week. All my friends (male and female) know and claim, that this was his gf's form of entrapment because she's been wanting to be a mother for a long time and wanting to marry him/be her husband. I think sex is a powerful tool women employ that a lot of men aren't aware of as a form of manipulation. A lot of women at some point in their lives use it to get what they want out of a guy. I even had an ex do this also. Edited November 27, 2011 by monkey00
cerridwen Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 IME and that of a few girlfriends, it's not true. The sex strengths them but I've developed strong feelings before intimacy.
Feelin Frisky Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 It's not true. Women have all manner of "want" for a man who has captured their interest. Some can be frustrated and give up if reality doesn't get real, but the feelings are real and there. The progression rarely goes from "having" to "wanting". It goes the other way around. "Having" more often goes to "having had", and new "wants" crop up where there's mystery.
Cypress25 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Please tell me I'm wrong. You're wrong. Many people told you that you were wrong about this in your other thread, but you chose to ignore it. On Friday, I was talking to my cousin, who's much better with women I am, and I told him that I was hoping the girl I was spending time with would have fallen for me. He said that girls don't really fall for guys till after they've had sex. And your MALE cousin is the expert on how women think and feel, right? Why don't you ask women you know in real life? The last thread I made touched on this, but everybody focused on the alcohol aspect. Many people addressed this in your last thread. Pay attention. So how true is it that women don't really develop feelings for men till after sex? And if that's the case, why are they having sex with men that they don't have feelings for? No, it's not generally true. Most women do not have sex with men that they don't have feelings for. I know I've said this a million times but I'll say it again: Sex can intensify feelings that are already there. But sex cannot create feelings out of nothing. If a woman doesn't feel anything for a man, she won't have sex with him, unless she's a prostitute (or drunk). Some women become more attached after sex. But she already had feelings for the guy before sex. That's why she had sex with him. This is not rocket science. It's really quite simple. I can tell you from my own experience that women don't need to have sex to fall for a guy. I had two long-term relationships before I lost my virginity. I dated my college boyfriend for 2.5 years without ever having sex with him, and I was crazy in love with him. I dated my next boyfriend for 8 months without ever having sex with him, and I had very strong feelings for him, although we weren't in love. Somedude, I think you're actually hoping this is true because you want an excuse for why women aren't interested in you. Maybe you'll feel better if you can convince yourself that a woman will magically develop feelings for you if you could just get her to have sex with you. But that won't happen. Think about it: According to your cousin's theory, a virgin couldn't possibly have feelings for anyone. And we all know that's not true, so clearly your cousin's theory is bogus.
dasein Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 And your MALE cousin is the expert on how women think and feel, right? Why don't you ask women you know in real life? Yep, hetero men and gay women do in fact tend to become experts in how they are treated by women, and how that treatment changes based on the sexual dynamic of the relationship. I certainly wouldn't make the error of assuming my personal feelings as one man outweighs a woman's experience of many men through dating and being in relationships over a lifetime. That would be quite stupid of me. How I behave and feel is different from how "men" generally behave and feel, and if I want valid generalizations about men, will seek out women who have lots of experience with men.
jobaba Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Please tell me I'm wrong. On Friday, I was talking to my cousin, who's much better with women I am, and I told him that I was hoping the girl I was spending time with would have fallen for me. He said that girls don't really fall for guys till after they've had sex. The last thread I made touched on this, but everybody focused on the alcohol aspect. So how true is it that women don't really develop feelings for men till after sex? And if that's the case, why are they having sex with men that they don't have feelings for? I don't think it's true. In fact, with my last gf, I was pretty p@ssy whipped and the balance of power totally shifted to her. What's up with this girl you are seeing?
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Women are idealistic and want that whole fantasy life in their heads to come together....sex can be the first step of initiating that process. They get to wonder if this guy is the one, they get to feel desired and receive attention even if its not that deep. Some women don't mind sex with no-strings attached but thats even a fine line for most. From experience at one point or another all women seem to develop feelings eventually, the emotions just seem to overwhelm the rational thinking at some point. Sex is also something most women find very intimate, where as with many guys poking a wet hole isn't all that big of a deal, they could have just been horny or found the girl attractive or even been desperate. Women aren't wired that way, and if you fall into the trap when a woman says she wants nothing more than sex than you have only yourself to blame, unless shes part of the minority...one of those independent empowered women..but then again honestly it probably has more to do with what you lack than her being capable of being swooned over, which is why you are a safe bet to have casual sex with. if you're good in bed, many women will want to stick around...if you're not then it's a little easier to let go of you if you don't meet her expectations anyway.
Woggle Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 It depends on how good the sex is. A man can pretty wrap a woman around his finger with great sex.
carhill Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 OP, for reflection, here's a past thread you penned on this general topic.
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I definitely generically bond to someone through sex --- And like was already mentioned................. If the sex is good, I will then be thoroughly attached. Heh. It's one reason why I won't have sex until I believe I already love the person.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 It works for the woman in that she won't put out unless he wants to be in a LTR with her, which is what she's looking for. It also helps to filter out the guys who are just looking to sleep around and not commit. Rather than entrapment, I think you just defined a reciprocal relationship where both people involved are getting what they want. Is that an outlandish concept?
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