LilMissMovinOn Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 This is my 1st ever LS post. I've been reading other ppls entries in diff threads for a while, but am so down after everything I've just been through, (but also relieved now that it's over) that I'm post something myself. What I'm wondering is has anyone else ever been an OW or OM but not known it? This is just happened to me. An ex frm 17 yrs ago came bk into my life & told me he'd seperated for good w no possible hope of reconcilliation with someone he was with for the past decade. He lived interstate so much of our involvement was LD with trips by him to me (mostly) & one trip by me to his city (we spent some intimate time at my motel for convenience as I was attending a conference at the same venue). He was in a troubled state most of the 18 mths this went on (he has addiction issues & I'd said go to rehab & sort yrself out before we consider something more serious)... but I still loved him deeply frm all those years ago & put up with untold emotional abuse from him (which hadnt happened when we were 1st together ) because I feared what would happen if I stand by him until he at least made it to rehab & I thought perhaps it was just his addiction issues impacting his behaviour. Long story short, he FINALLY went to rehab but I sensed from all the trouble I'd been having with him over a long period of time that perhaps there was another woman he was involved with in the background that I didn't know about. So a week after he goes into NC (because he's in rehab which seemed very strange to me as he was only in rehab on account of ME cajoling him to go in the first place) I finally call the woman he was with for 10 yrs (she worked at a pub he'd been the Licensee of before going into rehab) just to double check they had in fact been seperated all the time I'd been led to believe. Answer (& yes, I nearly died at my unsuspecting stupidity) = NO! Yes they'd sold the house & yes they were no longer living together (all pre-dating my appearance on the scene apart frm one weekend after which I'd stopped all contact for 9 mths & had a new relationship with someone else, after realising he'd sought me out deliberately as his prey & having no desire to become an OW, something which goes against my personal morals) BUT they had been still together the whole time he was with me!! I told her all I know about him (which is a lot more than she did as I've known him 22 yrs ie more than twice as long as her & I know his whole family who all live in my home city whereas had never met any of them etc) & gave him hell with a cpl of mths of angry emails before finally going into NC a few weeks ago, which must now be maintained for the sake of my sanity. What I'm wondering is has this ever happened to anyone else? I told his partner EVERYTHING including about the initial one off weekend where he tracked me down on the internet, invited himself to my city, basically conned his way into my home even though I'd refused in advance to allow him to stay at my place (b.cuz at the time he was with his partner & I didnt want a bar of another womans man - no matter how I may have felt about him in the past) & forced himself on me sexually against my will the first night (it took me months to indentify this as an asault however I did eventually report what happened to the police but took no further action due to lack of witnesses)... I'm in such a state now. Relieved I finally fpund the strength to move on but totally depleted. After all of his lies (there were more I eventually uncovered also) I feel like myvery soul has been raped. What does anyone else think?
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 "Good for you telling her what a piece of crap she's really involved with. I do have to say, however, that you weren't totally innocent in all this. You said you KNEW he was involved to some extent and that's why you didn't want him staying at your house, so you're partly to blame for what happened. Although, it just makes him an even bigger piece of crap for forcing himself on you sexually. A well-placed kick to 'nads would have taken care of that and stopped it in it's tracks." Yes Olderwiser. I do acknowledge and take complete responsibility for that first one off weekend. There were some mitigating circumstances however which are allowing me to not be as hard on myself as I would be otherwise (I have never been cheater on or been a cheater ever before in my life and I have no desire for a relationship based on any sort of dishonesty with anyone - i.e. I don't judge others, for none of us is perfect, but that's just not how I roll...) Firstly, there was no email or phone based EA prelude to this guy sudddenly landing in my home city ie he had said 'hi' after tracking me down on a social networking site. It transpired that he was 'happy' in a relationship and I'd said I'm happy for you and left it at that. In hindsight, I must have also mentioned I was dating but that there was no one particular person in my life (as you do and I must have mentioned this as otherwise I imagine he would not have have set his sights on me?). Still, I got on with my life, had no further contact, and thought nothing more of it because from my perspective he was A) taken - ie a not negotiable 'no go zone' for me - and B) interstate - also a no go zone. End of story for me or so I thought. So him coming and literally lining me up in the way he did (all very quick and subtle in hindsight). Secondly, I actually didnt want him staying at my place as I did not want anything to happen with him. Initially he emailed and said would I like to catch up for dinner as he was 'passing through town' for what he led me to believe was a combination of family/ business reasons. I thought that was harmless enough (nieve idiot I was!!) Then as we had dinner I thought maybe I was over reacting about not allowing him to stay at my place. He seemed respectful (how wrong that turned out to be) and I caved as having a spare room where he could stay again I thought no harm could be done. Anyways, he was drunk that first night and forced himself on me in that state. He was my ex and so the LAST person I would ever expect to do such a thing. I was very vulnerable at the time. I'd just had a heart attack (from which I was still physically recoveing) and my former partner had died only a few months prior and I was still grieving deeply. This is why after the first night I did not just kick him out immediately (although I wished later I had). Then there was NC (initiated by me during which time I finally went to the police about what had happened) for ages then suddenly out the blue he comes back many months later all apologetic, saying he was single now blah blah blah ... You are right though in that I did have some part to play on that first weekend and I deeply regret this. I've never transgressed such a boundary before and this is not something which will ever be happening again. Otherwise, I totally agree that I made a lucky escape. Upon telling my therapist at the time that I felt like I'd dodged a bullet, she replied that I'd actually dodged a cannon ball! lol I still sometimes think about the poor woman on the other end of what he did to us both though (i.e. there was MUCH more to his infidelity than either her or I intially realised although I at least eventually learned of most of it. I gave her everything I knew and as I felt that she as I, was entitled to know the truth so that she could make informed decisions for herself accordingly). She is completely enonomically dependent on him and they have a 9 yo child. She was very kind and surprisingly understanding when I told her everything and said she really appreciated me coming forward (she had suspected that something was up but had never had proof before). I do feel guilty though but just hope that the fact that I eventually went to the police shows just how vulnerable I was when this guy first came along and how mixed up I was to think that someone I once loved and thought I knew (but didnt) all those years ago would get away with such a thing. Some people hey. My only wish is that I am more alert to the possibility of this sort of thing happening in order to prevent it happening ever again (i.e. the entire situation was a total first for me and by the grace of whatever it is that makes the sun rise and fall, I can assure you, it will also be the last!) I think the guy is a piece of sh*t and you're well rid of him.
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 "Good for you telling her what a piece of crap she's really involved with. I do have to say, however, that you weren't totally innocent in all this. You said you KNEW he was involved to some extent and that's why you didn't want him staying at your house, so you're partly to blame for what happened. Although, it just makes him an even bigger piece of crap for forcing himself on you sexually. A well-placed kick to 'nads would have taken care of that and stopped it in it's tracks." Yes Olderwiser. I do acknowledge and take complete responsibility for that first one off weekend. There were some mitigating circumstances however which are allowing me to not be as hard on myself as I would be otherwise (I have never been cheater on or been a cheater ever before in my life and I have no desire for a relationship based on any sort of dishonesty with anyone - i.e. I don't judge others, for none of us is perfect, but that's just not how I roll...) Firstly, there was no email or phone based EA prelude to this guy sudddenly landing in my home city ie he had said 'hi' after tracking me down on a social networking site. It transpired that he was 'happy' in a relationship and I'd said I'm happy for you and left it at that. In hindsight, I must have also mentioned I was dating but that there was no one particular person in my life (as you do and I must have mentioned this as otherwise I imagine he would not have have set his sights on me?). Still, I got on with my life, had no further contact, and thought nothing more of it because from my perspective he was A) taken - ie a not negotiable 'no go zone' for me - and B) interstate - also a no go zone. End of story for me or so I thought. So him coming and literally lining me up in the way he did (all very quick and subtle in hindsight). Secondly, I actually didnt want him staying at my place as I did not want anything to happen with him. Initially he emailed and said would I like to catch up for dinner as he was 'passing through town' for what he led me to believe was a combination of family/ business reasons. I thought that was harmless enough (nieve idiot I was!!) Then as we had dinner I thought maybe I was over reacting about not allowing him to stay at my place. He seemed respectful (how wrong that turned out to be) and I caved as having a spare room where he could stay again I thought no harm could be done. Anyways, he was drunk that first night and forced himself on me in that state. He was my ex and so the LAST person I would ever expect to do such a thing. I was very vulnerable at the time. I'd just had a heart attack (from which I was still physically recoveing) and my former partner had died only a few months prior and I was still grieving deeply. This is why after the first night I did not just kick him out immediately (although I wished later I had). Then there was NC (initiated by me during which time I finally went to the police about what had happened) for ages then suddenly out the blue he comes back many months later all apologetic, saying he was single now blah blah blah ... You are right though in that I did have some part to play on that first weekend and I deeply regret this. I've never transgressed such a boundary before and this is not something which will ever be happening again. Otherwise, I totally agree that I made a lucky escape. Upon telling my therapist at the time that I felt like I'd dodged a bullet, she replied that I'd actually dodged a cannon ball! lol I still sometimes think about the poor woman on the other end of what he did to us both though (i.e. there was MUCH more to his infidelity than either her or I intially realised although I at least eventually learned of most of it. I gave her everything I knew and as I felt that she as I, was entitled to know the truth so that she could make informed decisions for herself accordingly). She is completely enonomically dependent on him and they have a 9 yo child. She was very kind and surprisingly understanding when I told her everything and said she really appreciated me coming forward (she had suspected that something was up but had never had proof before). I do feel guilty though but just hope that the fact that I eventually went to the police shows just how vulnerable I was when this guy first came along and how mixed up I was to think that someone I once loved and thought I knew (but didnt) all those years ago would get away with such a thing. Some people hey. My only wish is that I am more alert to the possibility of this sort of thing happening in order to prevent it happening ever again (i.e. the entire situation was a total first for me and by the grace of whatever it is that makes the sun rise and fall, I can assure you, it will also be the last!) I think the guy is a piece of sh*t and you're well rid of him. Actually now I think about it I would have initially told him that my ex partner had recently died and that I was trying to date but that my heart wasnt really in it for any one person. It's coming back to em now. I guess we dont even think about exactly what happened until we really unpack things step by step. To me that only makes what happened even worse because what he HE heard obviously was "she is vulnerable and thus easy prey". It makes me sick even thinking about what this says of his (complete lack of) character... not to mention what he did to mine which was previously never involved in anything like this before. I STILL feel so bad for that poor woman on the other end. I know I cant really take all the balcm here as I really had NO IDEA he was with her after that first weekend but still... what about their poor child? This is all so totally outside of my realm of understanding. He has made me feel cheap and dirty (although I know intellectually I'm not at all and just a human being who made a mistake and accidently got caught up in something way over my head) ...
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 You are a mess and need professional help. You are attracted to abusive types...addictive types...liars. This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. Armchair advice and comfort is meaningless. You are beyond that because you already know you have an issue. Get help. Martinman please keep your citicism to yourself. It is not wanted, kind compassionate or helpful. In fact I am not remotely 'attracted to liars or addictive types'. I am 42 years old and have never before in my entire life dated a single other person with those sort of problems. And don't presume to tell me what is meaningful, comforting or otherwise in my life. You don't know me and frankly will never have that privilege so take your judgemental attitude and stick in your ear! Oh and as for the 'issue'? Thankfully, that disappeared with the person who had them and I am merely now just trying to put the lessons learned into some sort of perspective!
Hazyhead Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Hey Lil Miss. I'm so sorry for all the trauma you've been through. That's quite a ride! NC is hard and painful but I think you're better off without him to bring his drama into your life. My situation wasn't quite the same, but check out BB07's profile, whom I miss around here. She went through something kinda similar.
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) Hey Lil Miss. I'm so sorry for all the trauma you've been through. That's quite a ride! NC is hard and painful but I think you're better off without him to bring his drama into your life. My situation wasn't quite the same, but check out BB07's profile, whom I miss around here. She went through something kinda similar. Thankyou Hazy. I much appreciate yr compassion. Trauma is the right word in terms of the impact of what happened. Knowing that someone sexually assaulted me in the sanctity of my home is playing upon me to the extent that I have made plans to eventually sell up & relocate (possibly overseas because the further I am away from him & the memory of what happened the better) just so I no longer have to deal with my home being tainted by such memories. It wasnt a violent assault in the way most people think of such things but I was definately coerced & the police agreed that what happened was sexual assault i.e after hours of harrassment that first night I eventually gave in under extreme duress (the duress being caused by the fact that the decision NOT to be intimate with this man had already been made well & truely in advance of his arrival). And you're right about the 'drama'. Ordinarily my life is very settled & well ordered. I don't 'do' drama well at all. I can't cope with it & so anything which causes it has to be eliminated fairly quickly (especially as I am still dealing with serious long term physical health issues). I am so relieved to finally be free & to have seen this scumbag for what he really is. I'm busy with completing a long overdue assignment at the moment & working to deadline but am considering one final act to bring me closure which will be to email all of the females on his fb page explaining that I was involved with this man with precise dates on the understanding that we were exclusive & asking anyone who may have similtaeously been involved with him to please let me know. I will fully continue NC with him regarldless of what I may or may not uncover though but fear that he will return eventually & try to worm his way back into my life. Before any of what happened this time around happened he was truely my 'the one' so I am vulnerable & feel I need as much of the truth about what really happened as I can get, in order to cut him off at the pass, should he ever reappear. The more I know for certain about exactly who else he was involved with & when the better position I will be in to defend myself verbally should he come knocking on my door down the track (it will be some years I can afford to sell up & there is an added complication that I may run into him next year when I will be relocating to his city for a temporary 18 mth period for study purposes. Unfortunately the course I want to do is only available there & I refuse to allow his abuse to stop me pursuing my own goals in life). I have already planned that if he ever shows up at my home I will not allow him to enter & will instead request that he remove himself from my property immediately. If he seems reasonable though I might perhaps listen to whatever he has to say out on the nature strip before telling him to leave. The only reason I'd consider listening to him at all (which would only happen if he was not substance affected) is that to this day he has not at all cleaned up his side of the street in terms of what he did to me this time around & I know that when we were first a couple 22 years ago he did really love me. I realise though that I may never get a sincere apology (as opposed to one designed to manipulate his way bk into my life which will be happening over my dead body!) More likely he will die an early death due to his addiction problems. For now I will return to normal transmission of my life. He doesn't deserve a moment of rent free space in my head & I have far more important things to concerned with! Edited November 29, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn
Lurkers1983 Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Hey LIlMiss My heart goes out to you and I'm glad you were able to recognize all of this as toxic. A lot of people out there stay in denial. I also hope you're able to stay NC. Some abuse survivors have a hard time letting go or will go back to the person. I don't agree with MartinMan either, as it seems like he has the same pattern in a lot of his posts. These posters telling others what to do may just be a reflection of what they're struggling with in their offline life.You are not a mess, but what you've gone through is a mess. ANYONE would be emotionally devastated and confused. It's like going overseas to war and coming back as a veteran that's not the same. Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. Surround yourself with people that understand.
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) Hey LIlMiss My heart goes out to you and I'm glad you were able to recognize all of this as toxic. A lot of people out there stay in denial. I also hope you're able to stay NC. Some abuse survivors have a hard time letting go or will go back to the person. I don't agree with MartinMan either, as it seems like he has the same pattern in a lot of his posts. These posters telling others what to do may just be a reflection of what they're struggling with in their offline life.You are not a mess, but what you've gone through is a mess. ANYONE would be emotionally devastated and confused. It's like going overseas to war and coming back as a veteran that's not the same. Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. Surround yourself with people that understand. Thanku for yr kind words Lurker. I still feel very angry, hurt, betrayed etc. And toxic is understatement. I havent posted even the half of this guys MO. It took right up until the end to figure it out though, so I know I shouldnt feel embarressed. This man was reptilian in his lack of empathy or remorse. The latter especially made me absolutely furious. He was initially deeply apologetic for what had happened that first night but it turned out this was just a ploy to weedle his way bk into my life (sans his former partner as far as I was led to believe although I later discovered otherwise) & at the very end he RECINDED HIS APOLOGY & CLAIMED TO NOW THINK HE HAD DONE 'NOTHING WRONG'!! I said you keep thinking that buddy & I only hope yr next victim prosecutes you for rape!!! Moreover I have all the emotions of a BS (unmarried) but was in fact an OW ( & although I feel terrible about the latter I think the circumstances speak strongly for themselves). And thanku for validating I'm not personally a mess. I know I'm not but agree the situation was horiffic. I've done a lot research after these events & realise I'm now suffering PTSD symptoms as a consequence of both the sexual assault & this slimeballs chronic infidelity (ie there were numerous others, not just his supposed ex & I). My current condition is understandable considering what I've been through and your description is very apt. What I'm wondering is will I ever regain my trust in men? I will need to disclose all of what happened with this to any future partners & am concerned a new partner might view this guys behaviour as a reflection of me somehow (which it is not). Martinmans post in is a classic example of just that. I'm also trying to just be mindful that the people who mind don't matter whilst the people who matter wont mind.. Edited November 29, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted November 29, 2011 Author Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) Hey LIlMiss My heart goes out to you and I'm glad you were able to recognize all of this as toxic. A lot of people out there stay in denial. I also hope you're able to stay NC. Some abuse survivors have a hard time letting go or will go back to the person. I don't agree with MartinMan either, as it seems like he has the same pattern in a lot of his posts. These posters telling others what to do may just be a reflection of what they're struggling with in their offline life.You are not a mess, but what you've gone through is a mess. ANYONE would be emotionally devastated and confused. It's like going overseas to war and coming back as a veteran that's not the same. Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. Surround yourself with people that understand. PS I'm desperate to maintain NC. This guy is outrageously abusive & although I once (ie in our previous r.ship before the abuse happened) thought he was genuinely 'the one' for me I cannot take anymore because I alone am responsible if I continue to knowingly place myself in harms way. I've changed all of my ph numbers, blocked him from my email & all social networking sites (he thinks he is not blocked from my email. I'm happy for him oto think this. That way, when he makes his inevitable attempt to recontact me he will be hit with a powerful wall of silence while I continue my healing uninterrupted. Might do him some good to finally taste some of his own medicine but ultimately the NC is about me & my needs, not revenge toward him). I truely want to eventually share my life with someone kind, honest, decent & loving, because I am all of those things. And that will never happen while I'm allowing abuse in my life (besides which I genuinely do deserve far better). Edited November 29, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn
Lurkers1983 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I said I wouldn't post on here, but am only doing so to help you out. This place is not the right forum to post on. Have you heard of AfterSilence.org? It's a place for survivors of sexual assault. A trained therapist in abuse recovery would help too. Abusers are GOOD at what they do. They're the sweetest and most romantic men in the beginning.That's why they fool so many people. They prey on those that are kind,loving and honest. Someone like MartinMan may say "I wouldn't put up with that," but he probably could be easily manipulated himself. It's common for abusers to become abusive after you broke up with them. I had something similar to happen to me. Forums like LS have all kinds of people that can easily trigger those with PTSD. They don't get it, and it's like they're ripping a scab off a wound that's healing. Will your future partner judge you? When getting to know someone, I would suggest waiting to disclose this. You don't have to tell all of this stuff if you don't want to. When you're both in love and serious, then it might be the right time to tell. Definitely take care of yourself and heal yourself before you get into another relationship. Get to know all of the red flags out there. Patterns can be repeated unconsciously. There are many empathic and sensitive men out there. Start believing they exist and think you're worthy of one!
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 I said I wouldn't post on here, but am only doing so to help you out. This place is not the right forum to post on. Have you heard of AfterSilence.org? It's a place for survivors of sexual assault. A trained therapist in abuse recovery would help too. Abusers are GOOD at what they do. They're the sweetest and most romantic men in the beginning.That's why they fool so many people. They prey on those that are kind,loving and honest. Someone like MartinMan may say "I wouldn't put up with that," but he probably could be easily manipulated himself. It's common for abusers to become abusive after you broke up with them. I had something similar to happen to me. Forums like LS have all kinds of people that can easily trigger those with PTSD. They don't get it, and it's like they're ripping a scab off a wound that's healing. Will your future partner judge you? When getting to know someone, I would suggest waiting to disclose this. You don't have to tell all of this stuff if you don't want to. When you're both in love and serious, then it might be the right time to tell. Definitely take care of yourself and heal yourself before you get into another relationship. Get to know all of the red flags out there. Patterns can be repeated unconsciously. There are many empathic and sensitive men out there. Start believing they exist and think you're worthy of one! That's very thoughtful feedback Lurker. I appreciate you taking the time to share it with me. You'll laugh yr head off when you hear this (mostly because I think it demonstates so clearly how these things really can & do happen to anyone) but I'm a qualified social worker with many years of experience counselling survivors of sexual abuse, domestic violence etc so I know well what it is I'm dealing with. And I am still undertaking counselling myself for what I've been through. And I'm not too bothered about people like Martinman expressing an opinion. Generally speaking, I'm an asssertive woman & easily recognise someone who lacks education on such matters. As you say he is merely seeing the world through his own experiences & probably meant well. Re my ex's abuse apart from what happened the first night (again not violent but still coercion under duress with him not hearing me when for hours on end I kept saying 'no') it was basically ongoing emotional abuse with the primary tactic being the silent treatment which would last from weeks to 2-3 mths at a time (always triggered by me calling him out on something, things which I now realise were him covering his tracks that he was still with his supposed ex). The main thing I've put a stop to him being in my life once & for all. I'm not sure if this is quite the right place for me either but I do fear that he will come back one day & I need help to keep my resolve my NC. I only posted here as I realised I was the OW even though I didnt know it the vast majority of the time. It's all a bit confusing but deep inside (incredulously) I still have feelings for this man (despite my fury at what he's done) & I need support to tough NC out until these die a natural death. Bear in mind were together for 3 yrs all those yrs ago & was not abusive or unfaithful bk then remotely like he was this time around. I'm determined though. I will NOT accept abuse, infidelity, being an OW or any other sort of destructive behaviour in my life. I know I'm worth more (despite having my no doubt glaringly obvious faults) lol I think also yr right that there ARE decent kind honest guys out there. When I'm ready (not yet but once my health is back on track) perhaps I might be fortunate enough to meet one who is right for me (instead of Mr SO all WRONG! ) lol
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) PS Yr spot on about those red flags. Ive been reading other ppls posts & hav been surprised @ how subtle they can be (ie minor things later found to be hiding major deal breaker issues). You will happy to hear that I managed to see & act on red flags I saw in the r.ship I had with someone else for a few months after that first w.end with my ex (I had no contact w ex during tht time). This other guy was VERY secretive about his email account. I suspect he may have been signed up to a lot of porn sites. I never saw any porn but he was very upfront abt telling me he liked 'fruity' sex after we'd been intimate the first time. I clarified what he meant by fruity & that the particular act he was into (pretty common) was not my cup of tea & wouldn't be happening with me. I remember at the time thinking how forward he was about this & so early on. It struck me as odd (as he knew I've never married & am only interested in a serious r.ship so this was not a casual thing ie I waited 4 mths before even kissing him! lol And something like saying tht so soon does not make a good impression) A bit later on he lied a cpl of times abt his whereabouts on diff times/days. At that point I called him out on it & called it quits. I'm glad I did. To me honesty is so important... Edited November 30, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) PS Lurker, R u saying mayb this thread is not the right place for me tho? I hav been wondering about that because I know I wasnt totally innocent & WAS an OW but I don't really feel like I was one in another sense apart frm tht 1st weekend which has its own starting out horror story. Mayb I should go to the NC thread instead? I did send his sister a cpl of txts today (just saying I hope he's still in rehab & it's up to her now to deal w him as I've totally moved on). The thing is tho I obviously havent somewhere deep down inside or else I wouldnt be thinking or even caring about him at all still... And I do still care (I understand his whole history so know why he is the way he is notwithstanding this excuses nothing about his behaviour) even tho I'm also incredibly angry & would not allow him bk in my life in a pink fit! I'm so confused... Edited November 30, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn
Lurkers1983 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 LilMissMovingOn-Doctors can't treat themselves, can they? You're trained to be objective with others, but we're so biased when it comes to ourselves. We're human and we all have defense mechanisms, especially when you're attracted to someone. The most important thing is you got out and now you can take new knowledge of red flags into your next dating experience. I'm projecting my own stuff, but what I meant was that maybe this forum in general isn't healthy for you at this point in your life. But, if you're able to not care about nonsense and find people helpful here, by all means stay. Let's keep in mind that a lot of people on this forum are untrained in abuse. If anything, we have more authority to give an expert opinion (I'm in the mental health field too). I know when you're self-esteem is low...we unintentionally put ourselves in not so good situations. Good luck and I should really not come back here again hahaha.
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) LilMissMovingOn-Doctors can't treat themselves, can they? You're trained to be objective with others, but we're so biased when it comes to ourselves. We're human and we all have defense mechanisms, especially when you're attracted to someone. The most important thing is you got out and now you can take new knowledge of red flags into your next dating experience. i I'm projecting my own stuff, but what I meant was that maybe this forum in general isn't healthy for you at this point in your life. But, if you're able to not care about nonsense and find people helpful here, by all means stay. Let's keep in mind that a lot of people on this forum are untrained in abuse. If anything, we have more authority to give an expert opinion (I'm in the mental health field too). I know when you're self-esteem is low...we unintentionally put ourselves in not so good situations. Good luck and I should really not come back here again hahaha. Yr right tht we cant treat ouselves (& indeed we must heal ourselves b4 treating others which is partly I'm off wrk @ mo This is also y I'm getting counselling however u pointing this out still hit home. Sigh... I'm so relieved to have shared our few exchanges. I know you understand & if I knew yr story I'm pretty sure that wud be vice versa. I also agree are we the one's with expert knowledge on these things however atho our training enables us to recognise & take action to remedy things more quickly, it doesn't exempt us frm the impact of our own experiences. More sighing.. LOL I re-read my post where I stated I still care for this guy (deep down) for example & felt nauseas, my hands started to tremble & my heart rate elevated. I then felt angry at myself for having those feelings, even tho having counselled many survivors of abuse, I know such conflicted feelings are perfectly normal. My only saving grace is that my head is firmly in charge here (as indeed it needs to be) so this a**hole is at least gone for good. I'm sensing you've had your own similar exp's & so do apologise if me talking about this triggered u or caused u any upset. I'm just very grateful to feel that someone understands. As for LS I'm not sure abt this place either. I can see it could quickly become time consuming (although I'm off wrk due to illness at mo so do hav a bit of time on my hands). I sense I wont stick around too long though but am finding it helpful for now at least. All the best to you & thanku again for helping me realise I'm not robinson crusoe in what happened to me. I really appreciate u taking the time to post. Edited November 30, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 PS The trembling hands, nausea & elevated heart rate was nothing to do w any sort of 'feelings' for this slimebag. Rather they r some of the anxiety / PTSD related symptoms resulting from the psychological injury I incurred at his hands! SOOOO glad he's GONE!!!
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 Today I am sad because... I remember the person my ex was when we were first a couple two decades ago, before he ever had a gambling problem, sex addiction issues or bi polar disorder, let alone being emotionally abusive or the sort of person who would pressure me into sex against my express wishes... I wonder how differently both our lives may have turned out if I'd stuck by him in the first place all those years ago when I left him upon after realising he had a drinking problem, told him to go to rehab & to look me up down the track when he had 1 year sober... (I chose not to wait around in the interim as I feared he may never get sober & knew I could end up waiting forever. I was also young & immature & thought I'd meet someone with similar hobbies in a particular area to mine down the track, whom I'd be more compatible with. I didn't & by the time I realised my foolishness was he was long gone)... I'm sad because he & I are both survivors of a rare form of child trauma & sharing this meant we understood each other in way which only people who have survived the same war can. I've never experienced that level of understanding with anyone else & know I wont ever again (partly beacause I will deliberately avoid anyone with such a background in future ie he was the first, only & last in that department for me). It especially saddens me that whilst I was able to take my lemons & make leomonade from a very young age, he allowed those issues to overpower him thereby distorting his personality to the degree that the person he is inside was no longer recognisable... I'm sad because under different circumstances, on account of him being my 'the one', if he'd dealt with his issues as they stood bk then (as opposed to this time around), I would have given him a second chance but after how he treated me (& the Mother of his child) this time, I know that possibility must stay forever closed in order to protect myself from any further abuse... I'm sad that someone I loved so deeply lied to me & treated me so very badly without a moments hesitation in doing so. I'm sad that someone else got to have the child I'd secretly hoped I'd eventually have with him one day all those years ago, even though the thought of this in light of who is now chills me to the bone... I'm sad because I know the chance he will die an early death on account of his substance abuse issues is reasonably high... And finally, I'm sad because I know he never loved me. He couldn't because his addictions are the only objects of love he has ever know. This final point especially, is excruciatingly painful... because I REALLY did love him & he ****ed things up so badly he can never again be a part of my life. What have I ever done to deserve such saddness, I wonder? The only thing I can think of is being terribly nieve in allowing myself to be so easily fooled (somewhat unusual for me)...
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 Movingon.........just wanted you to know that I read your post and I'm so sorry that you are so sad. I wanted to send you a cyber hug and to let know that I was listening. I'm so sorry for you pain and I get it. I've been divorced for over 15 years and still sometimes it fills me with sadness as there weren't really any good reasons that we screwed it up. I really loved that man and he at one time loved me. Life is hard sometimes. Big hugs! Thanku L.G. It's embarressing to admit my saddness. I know ppl will think y b sad over such an abusive lying cretin. But he wasn't always tht way. Not our 1st time around all... In 17 years of being apart I never stopped loving him. 17 years later that love was as strong frm day one for him this time as it was two decades ago. I'm trying hard to let my anger buffer me to make the break & that is well & truely done (he remains totally blocked frm all internet forms of communication & my numbers r all changed) but what do I do with all of this sadness & worse, residual feelings for someone who treated me so badly. I'd like to be able to hate him but I can't. I know him too well for that & there are very good reasons for why he is as he is. I know I can't let him back in my life again as I must protect myself but do u think it's possible he might show up one day, say a decade from now, with a decade of sobriety under his belt deeply sorry & genuinely remorseful? I know he was in rehab when I learned the truth & I cant imagine the Mother of his child would have rushing to get him out & take him back when she learned the truth. It's all way too raw for me now too but I also know there were issues in their relationship which mean that if he truely embraces recovery he won't be able to reconcile with her (ie I suspect she is a practsing alcoholic too). Those things are not issues with me & I had so much to offer him. I always did. I wouldnt let him near me with a barge pole after what he's done, even if he was 2 or 3 years clean & sober but what if he did the right thing (including sex addiction, gambling & mental health issues), sorted himself out & came bk with a serious slab of recovery under his belt (i.e 5-10 yrs or more?). In that event, knowing he was always my 'the one ' should I forever ensure that door stayed closed? I worry on account of his terrible deception this time that he might try a repeat performance & given the extent to which he almost destroyed me this time, I wouldn't want to take that risk...(but also know on other hand tgat ppl can & indeed do recover)...
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 ps Im sorry to hear of yr own sad exp too. sometimes life just sucks....~hugs bk~
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 do our hearts ever truely heal do u think L.G? Mine never forgot in even a 17 yr absence & yrs too sounds still sad after 15 long years (which Im very sorry to hear I would add). Is this just what real love as opposed to infatuation is I wonder? In my case, I can amazingly even find it my heart to b happy 4 him if he reconciles w the Mother of his child because if tht will make him happy & that's wot he then thts wot id want for him (even tho it means he wont ever b able 2 b w me other dealbreaker issues aside). does anyone else relate to this kind of love i am talking abt or do u all think i must b barking mad? bear in mind this is said in the reality tht this man is now effectively banned frm life forever at this point in time...
Eeyore79 Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 The same sort of thing once happened to me. I was in a relationship with a guy who I assumed was single, we even went on a weekend trip together, and after five months I found out that he already had a girlfriend who lived with him but was working away for a while. When he told me he was spending a weekend with work or friends, he was actually spending time with her. So quite obviously she was the "real" girlfriend and I was the OW without even realizing! I never felt so hurt and betrayed in my whole life, because he had lied to me so brazenly and I had trusted and believed him. When we met I had just started dating someone who I actually really liked, and I broke it off because this cheater swept me off my feet - so I missed out on this great guy I was dating because of this nasty cheater. I can't believe he had the guts to ruin my relationship when he was already living with someone - I told him I was breaking up with my bf to date him, and he let me do it even though he was already living with someone! So yeah, I felt like crap and was destroyed when I found out how completely I had been taken in. I felt gullible and foolish, and angry about the promising relationship with another guy that I had sacrificed. For the longest time I felt really hurt and depressed, and it took me a few years to really pull myself together again. He later married his gf, presumably without ever telling her about me - I don't envy her
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 Here are my thoughts, it's not fair to YOU to leave your heart open to someone and something that will most likely never happen and by the way that is wonderful that you protect yourself. So many women don't do that but give yourself some credit because that is very smart of you. My advice is don't keep holding out for a long shot, and even if it happened, think realistically about how difficult it would be. I think some things are best left in the past. Even though my xh wasn't abusive or necessarily cruel, I can't see how we could ever reconcile. There is just too much water under the bridge sometimes and it's best to let it flow on to the river. The past should not consume us, we need to take what lessons we can from it and let it go. Yr right L.G & this IS all about what's best for me now not him. Interestingly I awoke this morning to an email frm said ex. I can't work out how it got through as his email address is blocked but I reblocked it again & hope this works this time. In case I was under any illusions as to this cretins true cnature (obviously I was) it was the most abusive email I've received from him to date. Apparently, I am now to blame for all of my ex's problems & 'destroyed his life'. I presume this means the Mother of his child has given him the flick since learning the truth & that perhaps his stint in rehab did not not go so well. Other things were said which indicate that he is now highly hostile toward me & wishes to do me harm (he alleged I'm faking my current illness & rorting my health insurance for $ gain, all of which is absurd as I have not seen this man for a year now ie since I became ill & have no need or reason to do such a thing). I now realise though that my ex is DANGEROUS. As such there shall be no more 'pining' or 'grieving' & instead I've returned to being incredibly relieved he's gone (which I was already anyway). I'm realising that this person is mentally ill & seriously deluded. I did reply to the email to refute his rediculous suggestion though & did so with otherwise kindess but wish in a way that I had not. I'm genuinely frightened that this man will try to make trouble for me but it's too late now. I can only hope that the fact that I am an honest upstanding person will keep me in good stead. Needless to say I'm also really hoping the email block function now works. In the event that it fails I am hereby making a committment not to reply anything which might slip through. What a nightmare! And this from someone I only ever tried to help? Disgraceful!
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 The same sort of thing once happened to me. I was in a relationship with a guy who I assumed was single, we even went on a weekend trip together, and after five months I found out that he already had a girlfriend who lived with him but was working away for a while. When he told me he was spending a weekend with work or friends, he was actually spending time with her. So quite obviously she was the "real" girlfriend and I was the OW without even realizing! I never felt so hurt and betrayed in my whole life, because he had lied to me so brazenly and I had trusted and believed him. When we met I had just started dating someone who I actually really liked, and I broke it off because this cheater swept me off my feet - so I missed out on this great guy I was dating because of this nasty cheater. I can't believe he had the guts to ruin my relationship when he was already living with someone - I told him I was breaking up with my bf to date him, and he let me do it even though he was already living with someone! So yeah, I felt like crap and was destroyed when I found out how completely I had been taken in. I felt gullible and foolish, and angry about the promising relationship with another guy that I had sacrificed. For the longest time I felt really hurt and depressed, and it took me a few years to really pull myself together again. He later married his gf, presumably without ever telling her about me - I don't envy her What a terrible exp E79. Im so sorry to hear this happened to you. U r right not to envy the g.friend who b.came his wife tho & deserve much better. I hope yr heart heals frm this & do understand as it's very similar to what happened to me. The shock & betrayal on learning the truth has taken mths to sink in for me. Sunk in it has tho & I too am glad my cretin ex is gone for good. All the best.
Author LilMissMovinOn Posted January 5, 2012 Author Posted January 5, 2012 (edited) Before I write this post an FYI to other posters... I use this site via my smart phone & thus don't have sufficient tech capacity to reply to all of the points properly in other people's posts. I just wanted to say this so people know it's not that I'm inconsiderate or not listening / hearing feedback. It's just that I don't have capacity to check back on other posts to remember all of whatever I might be responding to. That said this is a new post with a current update... You may recall I received a very nasty unsolicited message cfrom d*ckwad (soz, still angry here & healthily so) a few weeks back. Because his email addy was already blocked I was caught off guard & replied at the time with more kindness than I actually felt out of fear that he might try to cause trouble with my insurance company as he alleged in his message that I'm faking illness just to get back at my boss & for $ gain (not true of course & he couldn't possibly know this as I haven't seen him in person for over 12 mths & did not get sick with my current health issue until after this. Also I have never said any such a thing to anyone as it is simply not the case). I feared d*ckwad TRYING to make trouble for me nonetheless (as he tried to make trouble with my then employer when I left him 17 years ago also) which is why my response was kinder in tone than it would have been otherwise (ie I admitted that Id onced loved him deeply many years ago but obviously whatever we shared back then had now come to an end / wished him well for the future etc). I also re-iterated my previous request for no further contact to be maintained by both parties (he was already blocked by me at the time but the email block malfunctioned which is how I was caught off guard. He did not realise at the time I had blocked him though)... So today, sigh, I get ANOTHER email which AGAIN got through the email block function (grrrr). This time he's nice as pie, says he's out of rehab now (tells me all I need to know as this means his stay was short of 3 MONTHS ie ludicrous for someone with addiction issues spanning decades!), SENDS his NEW CELL PH NUMBER & requests that I call him at 10 am this morning b.cuz 'he wants to speak with me b.cuz HE needs (notice this is all about HIM!) to be clear about our 'friendship' (yes, I choked at the mere reading of such a word in relation to this guy) & where he stands with me ect. He then goes on to claim to have sent the previous nasty email because I said things about him which were 'not true' to the mother of his child (again not so as I'm not a vindictive person & contacted her NOT KNOWING he was even with her ie I instead thought she might know if he was with someone else! Dumb I know but I was genuinely fooled by him as he lives interstate which is wby I called her as she works at his work & lives in the same suburb as him so I though she might be able to shed some light on my suspicions - which she DID - just not quite the light I was expecting!) Upshot I called a friend immediately & deleted his email whilst on the phone to her (complete with his number etc). I didn't reply. (He started out with, 'I dont know if you'ved blocked me or not' & I did NOT want him to know the block function had failed). My first thought was to be gobsmacked that he thinks we are 'friends' in any way shape or form. Re reading my final email though, although I alluded to having no feelings for him now, I suspect he has mistaken my (somewhat overly nice due to fear) kindness for imagining that I still care in some way! Every fibre of mry being wanted to reply saying something like 'listen you puss sucking gutter slug - you are NOT my friend & never will be ever again so bugger off' however thankfully, my friend helped me to refrain (as this time I was ready with my pre planned NC response just in case the email block failed again which unfortunately it did). Then I thought the cheek of him expecting or asking ANYTHING of me after the terrible damage he has caused in my life. Giving me a time & day to call also made both my friend & I VERY suspicious as we wondered was he going to have the Mother of his child listening in to the call & to then argue with me about supposedly telling her lies about him? I have NO IDEA what on earth he's talking about of course as I told the Mother of his child only the truth of what I knew when I finally contacted her thinking something was amiss but not realising it was that he had been with her the whole time he was involved with me. Anyway, it's been a crap day. I maintained the NC but he shook me to the core. Hopefully he will assume the block function worked & that I didn't get his message. Certainly he's arrogant enough to! Please encourage me to stay strong peeps. I feel like I've just been run over by a mac truck! (& just when I was starting to feel free of him once & for all) ( Edited January 5, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2012 Posted January 5, 2012 You stay strong!! Keep on ignoring him.. But, what you really need to do now is change your email address. Yes it's a pain in the butt, transferring all your contacts, and letting them know about a new email address..It'll be worth it because then you won't EVER hear from him again. He was fishing. What's this sh.t about him wanting to talk to you, to clarify 'friendship' or whatever the f he wanted to say.. Who cares! Blocking him isn't working for some reason as his emails are still getting through. So, please, change your email address. for your own sanity!
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