Drinking not an excuse

[neiu]

hey everyone.

 

This girl I work with, we get along quite well and I guess that I've developed feelings for her. She doesn't work very often with me as she is a casual worker. We've gone out to dinners and other things a good number of times and never been turned down. Anyway went out with friends, brought her and one of her friends out as well. She ends up making out with one of my friends. Needless to say not impressed. I was going to send her an email just to express my frustration with what happened and that i would like some space for awhile just to clear my mind. Plus I have to work with her on Monday and was supposed to have dinner with her and another friend but not in any mood to do that.

 

Thoughts on if an email is the best way to approach this? Basically cancel dinner plans and explain why and my feelings.

 

Thanks guys for the advice

[jobaba]

hey everyone.

 

This girl I work with, we get along quite well and I guess that I've developed feelings for her. She doesn't work very often with me as she is a casual worker. We've gone out to dinners and other things a good number of times and never been turned down. Anyway went out with friends, brought her and one of her friends out as well. She ends up making out with one of my friends. Needless to say not impressed. I was going to send her an email just to express my frustration with what happened and that i would like some space for awhile just to clear my mind. Plus I have to work with her on Monday and was supposed to have dinner with her and another friend but not in any mood to do that.

 

Thoughts on if an email is the best way to approach this? Basically cancel dinner plans and explain why and my feelings.

 

Thanks guys for the advice

 

Sorry dude. That's just the way life is. I know it sucks because I have been there. Oh boy, have I.

 

Technically, she hasn't rejected you yet, right? So, if you think you can play it cool and ask her on a date, you never know. She might have always thought you were hot.

 

If she has friendzoned you already, or you don't think you can handle coolly making a move on her, then don't send the email. Nothing productive is going to come of it. Just try and act normal and limit contact.

[carhill]

Think carefully about whether a young lady who would willy nilly make out with one of your friends is a good candidate for your attentions, feelings and/or a relationship. I presume, if you were just interested in getting laid, you would not be doing this courtship dance and rather would have been making out with her yourself or getting your face slapped.

 

Seek compatible women. She's not one of them.

[Casablanca]

Think carefully about whether a young lady who would willy nilly make out with one of your friends is a good candidate for your attentions, feelings and/or a relationship. I presume, if you were just interested in getting laid, you would not be doing this courtship dance and rather would have been making out with her yourself or getting your face slapped.

 

Seek compatible women. She's not one of them.

I agree with this..Im also cautious about that friend of yours, surely they had some idea about you and her?

[neiu]

Thanks for the responses.

 

@jobaba

-I think my mindset now is that it's done and nothing will ever happen between us. My thing is that had she done that with someone else that I didn't know then I think I would be more forgiving since we're not dating and it's not like I haven't done that of late. My issue is that I know that I'm going to have to see her and there's no way around it. So I would rather be upfront and say my piece. I'm not looking to bitch her out in any way and that isn't my intentions but just to explain why I'm not going to be seeing her or talking to her as much. Trust me I'm very good with NC, since I've been through a couple breakups LS has always been a place for advice.

 

@carhill

-haha, well now I know I suppose that she isn't worth my time or attention. It's true, I'm just disappointed about what happened. Well I suppose the search continues then.

 

@casa

-Yeah I'm not sure what was going through his head. I'm going to have to speak with him. He's supposed to be a close friend, though we haven't spoken much for the last couple months he really should have known better.

 

 

Anyway I'm sending the email because dinner is tomorrow and I must cancel and there is another person involved in these plans and it would be unfair to them as well for me to be there in my present mood. I am sure I will get a response. I've found that there are times to just let it pass and then there are times where you need to talk about it, I strongly feel as this is one of those times. Will update when I get the chance.

 

Thanks again.

[neiu]

Well I sent the email. Dinner got cancelled, I said my piece and said I needed time and space and maybe at some point a friendship may resume. Anyway, I got a receptive reply, said she was sorry, felt bad but wouldn't consider anything more than friends. Also that she will wait until I was ready to talk again.

 

So NC right? I figure limited interaction if and when I see her at work. It probably won't be very frequent at all. Couple of times a month maybe? Not sure on how to get a friendship back on track but I have a feeling it won't be nearly as close as it was before. Used to like her, not anymore. Not after this incident that's for sure.

 

Anyone have experience on if being friends is even a real option or do they just end up falling apart with more bitterness? Don't know how to approach this situation.

[dasein]

Would you get upset if a male friend of yours made out with a girl in a bar while you were out together?

 

This is why it's never a good idea to try to cultivate a romantic relationship with a woman by "friends first." It leads to all manner of misunderstandings like this. If you meet a woman you like, ask her out and leave no doubt about your intentions. You get your answer faster that way and either know from the start that she considers you a romantic prospect, or to move onto the next option.

 

As far as this situation going forward, if you can truly detach your feelings of attraction, then resume the friendship. If it is just going to be a replay of the prior situation, you are setting yourself up for more disappointment. Best wishes.

[carhill]

OP, here's a LS nuance I've noted a fair amount of over the years. You'll often see, and rightly so, many men advise you to immediately sexualize your approach to a woman you find attractive so she has no ambiguity about the type of interest you have. The difficulty occurs, for some men, not the men giving the advice of course, that you may not feel any attraction to a particular woman upon meeting her. Tell me, in your case, throughout your life, how many women have you met who were otherwise strangers whom you wanted to grab and kiss just upon meeting them? Have you ever tried 'making moves' on a woman you didn't find attractive? How did that feel?

 

I'm mentioning this because men and women both have a wide variety of 'styles', most of which fall within 'norms' and that's where a lot of this really good advice is coming from, mainly from those people who reflect the 'norms' of society. If you are outlier to those norms, you can of course choose to conform to them, or follow a more natural, albeit more difficult, path. It's up to you.

 

I tried conforming and it did get me laid, got me a few girlfriends and a wife, none of which was very satisfying or healthy long-term. Your results might be different. Never hurts to try.

 

Re-reading your OP, you said you went out to dinners a number of times with her and she never turned you down. Were these dinners alone? Did you invite her and pay for them?

 

This dynamic is done but it's a real good teaching tool. You can learn a lot from each dynamic and carry those lessons forward. If you had to highlight one lesson from this, what would it be?

[Ilovewater]

hey everyone.

 

This girl I work with, we get along quite well and I guess that I've developed feelings for her. She doesn't work very often with me as she is a casual worker. We've gone out to dinners and other things a good number of times and never been turned down. Anyway went out with friends, brought her and one of her friends out as well. She ends up making out with one of my friends. Needless to say not impressed. I was going to send her an email just to express my frustration with what happened and that i would like some space for awhile just to clear my mind. Plus I have to work with her on Monday and was supposed to have dinner with her and another friend but not in any mood to do that.

 

Did she know you have romantic feelings toward her? Maybe she thought you guys were just friends. I go out to dinners with my guy friends. That doesn't mean that I'm interested in them and vice versa. I'm not going to assume that they are unless they tell me otherwise.

 

If you did express your intentions, then she was wrong in fooling around with your friend while you guys were out together. If you didn't, then you can't really be angry at her about what happened. Next time, if you are interested in a woman, tell her! There's no reason to wait!

[carhill]

Read the sentence above where the OP states: 'I guess that I've developed feelings for her'.

 

Even at this point, he's not clear and unequivocal, this after working with her and multiple dinners.

 

I'll wait for the answers to my questions but my instinct is he was treating those dinners as dates and she knew exactly what was going on. A lifetime of experience with women is providing that instinct. It's really subtle. I could be wrong so I'll wait for the answers to comment further. This is all really good information for his future.

[Feelsgoodman]

Did you ever show any sings of romantic interest? If not, it's your own fault. She probably figured you for her new gay friend.

[Feelsgoodman]

Read the sentence above where the OP states: 'I guess that I've developed feelings for her'.

 

Even at this point, he's not clear and unequivocal, this after working with her and multiple dinners.

 

I'll wait for the answers to my questions but my instinct is he was treating those dinners as dates and she knew exactly what was going on. A lifetime of experience with women is providing that instinct. It's really subtle. I could be wrong so I'll wait for the answers to comment further. This is all really good information for his future.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the attraction wasn't necessarily mutual (in fact, her latest response confirmed that she wasn't interested in being anything more than friends).

[carhill]

It's possible other issues are at work. Here's a quote which might be of assistance:

 

"So I recently ran into an ex whom i dated for 1.5yrs and we've been broken up for around the same amount of time now. I haven't spoken to her for a very long time like a good 8 months or so. I decide that I would be a good guy and finally talk to her and catch up on things. So I do and everything, it was good and all but as she was leaving at the end of the night she yelled at me for not responding to her emails about a girl i had hooked up with in front of her at a club I was at which happened almost a year after the break."

 

That was from a post by the OP in 2005. I assume he hasn't lost the skills to 'hook up' that he had six years ago.

[neiu]

Didn't expect to get much more response than just leave it alone...anyway it's good to talk about it and i'm sure as with all posts in LS they will not only help me but help others as well with similar problems.

 

@carhill - This current situation I didn't find attractive initially for the sole reason that at the time of knowing her she was dating someone. Why waste time with someone who is already in a relationship. It wasn't only until earlier this year did she break up with him. I only started to hang out with her throughout the summer and much more recently leading up to the incident. Recently we were talking pretty much everyday and I had just brought her out to hang out with my friends (not the one that she made out with). A couple days before the incident she asked me if i wanted to have dinner with her before she met up with some girlfriends to go out. Yes there were a couple times where I asked her to dinner or to other places alone which i paid for. I don't know, I guess because it was a colleague and knowing that she went through a long term relationship that it was better to be more cautious about it than professing my want for them. I myself just have to be sure that I want to fully commit my time.

 

lol...nice research btw. yes that was awhile back and no those hook up skills have not just disappeared as it happened quite recently in october during a party with someone else. Yes me and her still talk.

 

@feels/water - Tough to say sometimes with my relationships. Some I have told very early that I'm interested and then there have been some where it happens a lot later after becoming friends. Sometimes things happen and there becomes an attraction with people you have been friends with. Don't think I really have a formula for this thing.

 

 

Either way, last time I spoke with that girl was sunday through email and haven't spoken to her since. I plan on keeping it that way for now, I have a couple of things I need to focus on before I even begin to think of what to do about her. Who knows maybe I won't do anything. I know I won't have to see her for over a month but I'm not sure how I'll react when I do see her or if she tries to contact me. I'm sure I won't be mean about it, it's not in my nature

[carhill]

This current situation I didn't find attractive initially for the sole reason that at the time of knowing her she was dating someone.

 

Can you envision this as separate issues? While I have a picture up for a lady in another thread, I'll use it as an example here. Viewing this picture, one of my exW's best friends, I can say I found her attractive but of course she was very married when my exW and I were dating and I first met her. Of course, nothing would come of such interactions because we were on separate paths. Until she approached me many years later, I had long forgotten that initial bit of 'whoa'.

 

So, extrapolating, you can find someone attractive upon meeting them but boundaries of decorum prevent acting on that attraction and you hence process it to a neutral state. IMO that's very different than no attraction being there at all. So, is it possible you did find her attractive initially?

 

A couple days before the incident she asked me if i wanted to have dinner with her before she met up with some girlfriends to go out.

 

Was this dinner dutch or did she pay or did you pay?

 

Yes there were a couple times where I asked her to dinner or to other places alone which i paid for.

 

Did you find her attractive at these dinners? Did she dress up? Did you compliment her as a man compliments a lady?

 

I guess because it was a colleague and knowing that she went through a long term relationship that it was better to be more cautious about it than professing my want for them. I myself just have to be sure that I want to fully commit my time.

 

That all sounds reasonable. Since you've had relationships and dated women you know how it 'feels' to you when you go through all these steps and how you communicate those feelings to the lady. Did you miss anything here and, if so, what?

 

Do you feel that she knew you were interested in her romantically?

 

Tell me, did you feed each other at dinner?

 

BTW, drinking was my exW's friend's 'reason'. She was a handful when her filters were numbed. Very tempting, trust me. She's better now, though her M didn't survive it.

 

It sounds like you have a good plan of action so execute it and go with the flow. It sounds like you have other potentials available so enjoy those. What happens happens. Good luck

[neiu]

So, is it possible you did find her attractive initially?

 

Yeah definitely found her attractive initially.

 

Was this dinner dutch or did she pay or did you pay?

 

She paid, even though I offered.

 

Did you find her attractive at these dinners? Did she dress up? Did you compliment her as a man compliments a lady?

 

Yes attractive and she always dressed up. There were times where she would be in another city working and would go home first to clean up before meeting up with me. Always compliment the ladies.

 

 

Do you feel that she knew you were interested in her romantically?

 

No I never told her upfront until **** hit the fan.

 

Tell me, did you feed each other at dinner?

 

No didn't do that, I don't think I'm really that kind of person in public at least. Though she'll let me bite from her apple at work as she's holding it.

 

 

 

Thanks carhill. In the end it's true, what happens happens and you just get on with life. I'll just roll with the punches, hey it can always be worse.

[jobaba]

Did you tell her in the email that you had feelings for her or were interested?

 

If not, then you were never really rejected.

 

At this point, I would keep it that way. I don't see the situation going your way at this point and awkwardness + rejection is going to be worse than just awkwardness alone at this point.

[TheLameDuck]

Sounds like you needed to make the move initially, and you avoided it making yourself in the friend zone. Woman know what they want to do with you as soon as they see you, as do men. You should have initiated it from the start, while your friend is having that, you are stuck with a sock for your inaction.