Is there such a thing as too much communication?

[ScienceGal]

SG: I don't think you answered my original question. Are you guys officially in a relationship? You said you're exclusive but does he consider you in a relationship together?

 

Also, how much time do you spend together per week?

 

Torn, we are exclusive, but do not have the relationship title. We spend about 2 nights a week together, sometimes an additional afternoon or evening, and we are in touch daily to relay what we're up to and to make plans.

[wildtrac77]

Torn, we are exclusive, but do not have the relationship title. We spend about 2 nights a week together, sometimes an additional afternoon or evening, and we are in touch daily to relay what we're up to and to make plans.

 

How can you be exclusive but not have a relship title??? either your in a relship or your not after 3 months.. (esp as you spend so much time with him on a weekly basis)

 

Sorry but i dont think he is that into you.. sounds like he is keeping his options open...

 

You may have said but how long was he single before you started going out??

[ScienceGal]

How can you be exclusive but not have a relship title??? either your in a relship or your not after 3 months.. (esp as you spend so much time with him on a weekly basis)

 

Sorry but i dont think he is that into you.. sounds like he is keeping his options open...

 

You may have said but how long was he single before you started going out??

 

He said he's been on dates, but it's never gone very far. The last relationship he was in (the one that ended terribly) has been over for about a year. He's introduced me to his friends and several have said "I've heard so much about you"... I don't think thats just something that people say. Ugh.

[ScienceGal]

What's his relationship history? Also, how old are both of you?

 

This sounds pretty miserable to me. Three months is long enough to know if you want a relationship with someone. I can understand why you're anxiety-ridden.

 

We're both 30. His ex told him that she learned very early on how to manipulate him and play on his emotions. Not sure if there was cheating, probably. I understand it's hard to come from that. I understand that he doesnt want to get in that situation again, but he should realize I am nothing like her! I don't compare him to my horrid ex. I'm trying to just relax but I think the next time we speak I'll end up bringing it up since its bothering me so much.

 

If it does end, it's because of his inability to connect an he probably shouldn't date "exclusively" until he's ready to trust again.

[ScienceGal]

How affectionate has he been? Has he said anything about how much he likes you, anything to indicate strong interest? Is he consistent in staying in contact, who does more of the initiating? Has he shown any signs of growing closer as the months have gone by or has it been more of a plateau?

 

He is physically affectionate enough for me, including putting his arm around me if we're in a crowd of people, sometimes puts his hand on my leg if we're sitting.

 

The verbal confirmation that he "likes me" seems to be lacking though. But, maybe this is me being needy at this point and letting my anxiety get to me.

 

He has done most of the initiating contact, usually via text. Now I'd say it's about even in terms of who initiates. I commented on how we should talk on the phone more and he's made the effort to call once in a while, and so have I. And speaking of initiating contact, I messaged him yesterday and got one quick response (not normal). I called him 40 minutes ago... now I get to wait . Could be nothing, but it's making me feel all anxious again.

 

I'd say he's grown closer a little and so have I. Maybe I need too much too soon, but I don't think so. I'm not asking for any promises, just confirmation that he does want a relationship with me. Dating exclusively is the precursor for a relationship. 3 months is plenty of time to decide that. I'd expect progress at this point and I don't see much.

 

This is just awful. I suddenly feel like he is ignoring me too. Apparently relationship anxiety is my "baggage".

[moontiger]

SG, here's what I'm most worried about: You keep saying you can leave this guy if it comes to that, and maybe you even believe it. But can you really?

 

Because I see this pattern...even as you repeatedly say you aren't getting what you need from this fellow (first, you felt nothing for him, now he won't commit) you continue to enmesh yourself even *more* with him, all the while saying "I can leave if I want."

 

It's a dangerous road to go down.

[betterdeal]

Tell me some things that make you smile when you think about him.

[ScienceGal]

SG, here's what I'm most worried about: You keep saying you can leave this guy if it comes to that, and maybe you even believe it. But can you really?

 

Because I see this pattern...even as you repeatedly say you aren't getting what you need from this fellow (first, you felt nothing for him, now he won't commit) you continue to enmesh yourself even *more* with him, all the while saying "I can leave if I want."

 

It's a dangerous road to go down.

 

I can and I will.

 

If/when he calls me back (I can't believe I am putting it in these terms... a guy I just spent the weekend with and who said he wished he could see me one more night) I am going to ask for a recap of what we discussed Saturday night. We're either on the same page or we're not. I cannot live with anxiety like this, and there is no reason to.

 

And I might be a little crazy, but I'm ok with that. I bring a lot to the table in a relationship, so big deal that I get nerved up in the early stages. Either reassure me, or move on.

 

And if he doesn't return my call at all tonight (he's always returned my call), I'm going to have to fight the urge to email him. I am NOT good at keeping my feelings hidden.

[ScienceGal]

Tell me some things that make you smile when you think about him.

 

He makes jokes that are nerdy and not always funny, but I find that in itself funny.

He is (seemingly) the most honest man I've ever dated.

He asks me how my day was and cares about the answer.

He cares about how I feel in general and if I don't feel good, he wants to know why.

We're both pretty laid back (well, not me right now!) and we don't sweat the small stuff in life.

We laugh together.

[betterdeal]

Now you've thought about some things that make you smile, how do you feel?

[ScienceGal]

... and, he just messaged that he is going to call me soon.

 

Heartache is never easy, but I'm ready for it. I will cry, but that's only because I am a sap and I'm getting discouraged by all these less than ideal "relationships" I get myself into.

 

I'm going to ask for about where each of us stand. I feel I have a right and I am not being pushy/unreasonable. I hope things go well, but I ready for things to go bad.

 

"I am an amazing woman". Yes, I just said that aloud. ok, breathe.

[betterdeal]

Perfect relationships don't start with perfect people. They start by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

[ScienceGal]

Now you've thought about some things that make you smile, how do you feel?

 

I always feel good when I think of him, it's just the past 2 days that I feel awful. The balance seems to be tipping and I don't like it. This anxiety won't lift until I have a better understanding of what he is feeling.

 

If that can happen... I'll go back to rainbows and butterflies and offering advice to other people on here!

[norajane]

He is physically affectionate enough for me, including putting his arm around me if we're in a crowd of people, sometimes puts his hand on my leg if we're sitting.

 

The verbal confirmation that he "likes me" seems to be lacking though. But, maybe this is me being needy at this point and letting my anxiety get to me.

 

He has done most of the initiating contact, usually via text. Now I'd say it's about even in terms of who initiates. I commented on how we should talk on the phone more and he's made the effort to call once in a while, and so have I. And speaking of initiating contact, I messaged him yesterday and got one quick response (not normal). I called him 40 minutes ago... now I get to wait . Could be nothing, but it's making me feel all anxious again.

 

I'd say he's grown closer a little and so have I. Maybe I need too much too soon, but I don't think so. I'm not asking for any promises, just confirmation that he does want a relationship with me. Dating exclusively is the precursor for a relationship. 3 months is plenty of time to decide that. I'd expect progress at this point and I don't see much.

 

This is just awful. I suddenly feel like he is ignoring me too. Apparently relationship anxiety is my "baggage".

 

I'm struggling with what is the practical difference between "dating exclusively" and "in a relationship".

 

What would you get in a "relationship" that you aren't getting now, practically speaking? How would things be different than they are now? Do you think he'd behave differently somehow?

 

Do you think your anxieties would lessen? Or would you then start being anxious about something else, like whatever you see as the next step in the relationship? Will you feel secure with anything less than marriage, or will you be anxious the whole time until then? I mean, if you have so much anxiety now in the beginning when it should be fun and flirty and light as you get to know each other and have fun together...creating bonds...will you have anxiety throughout the relationship that he will leave you and you will be hurt?

 

Have you considered going to a therapist with your baggage? Because this honestly does not sound fun, and I can't imagine how you date at all with this kind of mental anguish you put yourself through. You shouldn't be lying on your bed whimpering at the fear of what might happen with with guy you've known 3 MONTHS.

 

If it feels this bad and creates such anxiety, I just wouldn't date at all until I was a bit stronger and healthier in my head and heart.

[ScienceGal]

Perfect relationships don't start with perfect people. They start by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

 

I think we have the foundation for a great relationship. He needs to want it enough to push past his fears of getting hurt. I'm willing to do that, but I'd like to get out of limbo. I can't think of one reason we can't work on a relationship together, except if he's not into me enough.

[betterdeal]

Well, good luck with that. Maybe taking a little more space yourself would achieve the balance again, but if you need to know more about how he feels, ask away.

[ScienceGal]

Well, good luck with that. Maybe taking a little more space yourself would achieve the balance again, but if you need to know more about how he feels, ask away.

 

You don't think I should ask for clarification on what was said Saturday? The version I remember is summarized by me telling him I care and think he's a great guy, and him responding to the effect that he is giving all he can right now. It was a long discussion, so I don't mean to reduce it to that, but that's what I took away from it. I don't think that's ok.

 

p.s. I am not whiny, bitchy, accusatory, or demanding. I just like facts.

[ScienceGal]

I'm struggling with what is the practical difference between "dating exclusively" and "in a relationship".

 

What would you get in a "relationship" that you aren't getting now, practically speaking? How would things be different than they are now? Do you think he'd behave differently somehow?

 

Do you think your anxieties would lessen? Or would you then start being anxious about something else, like whatever you see as the next step in the relationship? Will you feel secure with anything less than marriage, or will you be anxious the whole time until then? I mean, if you have so much anxiety now in the beginning when it should be fun and flirty and light as you get to know each other and have fun together...creating bonds...will you have anxiety throughout the relationship that he will leave you and you will be hurt?

 

Have you considered going to a therapist with your baggage? Because this honestly does not sound fun, and I can't imagine how you date at all with this kind of mental anguish you put yourself through. You shouldn't be lying on your bed whimpering at the fear of what might happen with with guy you've known 3 MONTHS.

 

If it feels this bad and creates such anxiety, I just wouldn't date at all until I was a bit stronger and healthier in my head and heart.

 

Everything was fine until he told me Saturday that he is looking for red flags that he's missed in previous relationships. We all do that, of course. But, I feel like I am under the microscope now and anything that gives him hints of his ex is going to drive him away. He's given examples of what she did that he didn't like.

 

No one is perfect and mistakes are going to be made. I need to know that he is dating me with a clean slate (as clean as can be) and that he at least appreciates me and sees me as a good person thus far (and not just someone to pass the time with).

 

I went to therapy for a while, perhaps I should go back to explore some of these questions.

Edited November 29, 2011 by ScienceGal

[betterdeal]

You don't think I should ask for clarification on what was said Saturday? The version I remember is summarized by me telling him I care and think he's a great guy, and him responding to the effect that he is giving all he can right now. It was a long discussion, so I don't mean to reduce it to that, but that's what I took away from it. I don't think that's ok.

 

p.s. I am not whiny, bitchy, accusatory, or demanding. I just like facts.

 

No, no, I was being sincere - only you can make the judgement call on what to do. That you've been up tight for the past few days is all I really know, and that's the only real issue at hand IMO. You're anxious and that's the issue. As I see it there are two options i.e. talk to him about it or step back a bit, and which you take is entirely down to what feels right to you.

[moontiger]

I can and I will.

 

If you are willing to break things off, then there is no need to be anxious, because there isn't really anything to be anxious about.

 

If he mistreats you, you flush him. Game over.

 

And SG--I don't know if this is true generally, but I've found that relationships that start off badly do not improve over time. The problems you have in the beginning are the same problems you have right down to the end. Three months in a relationship is supposed to be the honeymoon period. He isn't offering to pay for dates. He isn't over his ex. He's having sex with you but doesn't want to call it a relationship. You feel judged. Is this really what you want to deal with for the rest of your life? The rest of your life?

 

You say this guy is potentially marriage material, but I just don't see that; I'm sorry.

 

Having dated a lot of men, I will say that the positive things you listed about him are just not that rare in men:

 

He makes jokes that are nerdy and not always funny, but I find that in itself funny.

He is (seemingly) the most honest man I've ever dated.

He asks me how my day was and cares about the answer.

He cares about how I feel in general and if I don't feel good, he wants to know why.

We're both pretty laid back (well, not me right now!) and we don't sweat the small stuff in life.

We laugh together.

 

It sounds like you picked this guy up within days of your breakup. If you spend six months looking, surely you can find someone whom you laugh with, and who is honest, but who doesn't have a truckload of unresolved issues and who wholeheartedly wants to be with you.

[ScienceGal]

We ended things.

 

2 hour conversation that was open and honest and civil. By the end we were both on the verge of some tears.

 

Highlights:

 

I stated my point of view. I care about him and am approaching the point where I want more. I want to relax and be myself. This means really letting my guard down, but I can't do it if I don't feel that he is on the same page. Does this mean we're soul mates? No! But, I want to love and be loved. I want to be frigging excited about life and have someone to be excited with. There are no guarantees, but there is feeling good today, and I didn't have that today.

 

He said he was going to bring it up the uneasiness if I didn't. He's been feeling as though things have gotten heavy during our past couple conversations and they have. He's just not there yet and the more he spoke the more I saw that. And God did that hurt because he is such a great guy. He told me that he used to be the kind of guy to "jump in" and now he just can't. He's doesn't know if that's a good thing or not. I said "there's nothing wrong with learning from your experiences and being more aware, but if you've stopped doing things that brought you great joy, then that's not good." He agreed. I thought about how much I hate his ex girlfriend and I don't even know her.

 

I put it on him to make the decision and he couldn't do it. I said "so early on, if it has to be thought about so much, it probably isn't right". I felt his pain the moment I said that we should stop seeing one another. He back-peddled. I didn't let him. He complimented me and told me all of the wonderful things he thought about me. He said how he had tried harder with me than with others. He said he was terrified he was making a great mistake. He entertained the idea that we might meet later in life. I let him entertain it. He went back and forth some more about it. He didn't want to get off the phone.

 

We kept talking. I told him that I was saddened by this because I felt we had really good potential for a relationship, but I'm keeping my eye on the amazing future that I want to have, and that I will have. He said he doesn't look at relationships as a goal to achieve. I disagreed and told him that he has referenced being a husband and a father more than any man I have ever met. He said he didn't realize that he did that. I told him it's ok to have that goal, but to also have a plan to get there. Make a list of what you want in a partner and what you absolutely cannot have. Keep working on yourself and don't lose sight of what you want. I felt like it was the best conversation we've ever had.

 

I did the right thing by bringing the commitment issue up. We could not have continued on this way. Part of me feels like he is going to call soon and change his mind. Part of me really wants him to. Part of me is so damn proud of myself. I'm going to hold on to that last part.

 

Bottom line, too much communication is not a bad thing; in fact, it can serve as a quick route to determining compatibility. At least it did so for me. And, in any long-term relationship it's a must have.

Edited November 29, 2011 by ScienceGal

[moontiger]

SG, I'm so very proud of you. I know how it hurts. *hug* But never lose sight of the forest for the trees. Sometimes what feels good in the short term is not good in the long term, and this seemed to me to be one of those situations.

 

Honestly, from Day 1, I did not see this going in a good direction--even if he was a great guy. You deserve way better than FWB--and three months is more than enough to know whether you are a proper girlfriend or not. It's not about labels. It's about having a place of honor in someone's life.

 

If it's meant to be in the future, it will be. He'll come back.

 

And even with the same guy, when it's the right time, and he is ready and you are ready, it won't feel like this. Promise.

[betterdeal]

I'm massively impressed.

[ScienceGal]

SG, I'm so very proud of you. I know how it hurts. *hug* But never lose sight of the forest for the trees. Sometimes what feels good in the short term is not good in the long term, and this seemed to me to be one of those situations.

 

Honestly, from Day 1, I did not see this going in a good direction--even if he was a great guy. You deserve way better than FWB--and three months is more than enough to know whether you are a proper girlfriend or not. It's not about labels. It's about having a place of honor in someone's life.

 

If it's meant to be in the future, it will be. He'll come back.

 

And even with the same guy, when it's the right time, and he is ready and you are ready, it won't feel like this. Promise.

 

Thank you moontiger.

 

He mentioned bad timing more than once. I could tell it hurt him as he tried to figure a solution. What's funny is that I had the opportunity to date him a couple years ago, before both of our previous relationships and I didn't. He's a friend of a friend of a friend and I just wasn't in the mood to date. We laughed and wondered how that timing would have worked out. But, no regrets. I'm glad it happened now.

 

Honestly from date 1, when I went in with the attitude that I wasn't going to let emotions get the best of me, I knew I was fooling myself. That wasn't me. I'm a loving and caring person, and it didn't take me long to return to that. I can't date someone casually and just have sex. I tried, but it was a means to get me away from my previous relationship... and it did help.

 

But seriously... uggggggh. This madness must end someday.

 

He really is a great guy. I don't think I'll be dating for a bit. I really liked him, and he helped to show me what sort of things to look for.. and what sort of things can ruin it all regardless of how wonderful the rest seems.

[moontiger]

Honestly from date 1, when I went in with the attitude that I wasn't going to let emotions get the best of me, I knew I was fooling myself. That wasn't me. I'm a loving and caring person, and it didn't take me long to return to that. I can't date someone casually and just have sex. I tried, but it was a means to get me away from my previous relationship... and it did help.

 

*nod* I know; I knew that when you started writing.

 

I'm really glad this helped you get over your ex. Rebounds--well, they too have a place in the grand scheme of love. And sometimes they do dull the pain of a breakup--just as long as you are careful not to expect too much from them, and end them promptly when it is clear that your expectations are not being met. As you did.

 

Lots of love,

MT