ScienceGal Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I've been dating this guy for 3 months. Shortly after we were sexual together, we had the talk about being "exclusive". We clarified that we are and since then it's been pretty good for me. Until the past few days. He is a strong communicator, and even more so after reflecting upon his past two failed relationships (the only serious ones he's had). He doesn't want to make the same mistakes (i.e. ignoring red flags, allowing himself to be used and mistreated). We've both opened up about past issues and what kind of relationship we want now. Talking about things is important, but I found myself asking him last night if he thought there was such a thing as too much communication and information sharing. He has pointed out a couple things that I've done that he doesn't like. He has also clarified that he never wants me to change my behavior to suit him (and I won't). But now I feel like I am quietly being analyzed and judged, as though each thing he "doesn't like" makes him wonder if they are "red flags". I listened to his concerns, and commented. They seem to be insecurities from the past relationships, and I can accommodate to a certain extent. I also told him about something he does that seems inappropriate to me. The dialogue in these conversations is good, but the past two have left me feeling nervous and as though we are making things too unnatural by talking so much so early on. It's really getting to me because I have never lied or cheated. I don't want to be categorized with his previous girlfriends when I haven't done anything wrong! I don't want to keep investing in something when I feel like I am doomed to begin with. Then I did something I didn't want to yet, I told him that I am starting to have real feelings for him. I wanted to tell him, but not in a blurt it out fashion. Until now, I have been very laid back and accepting that whatever happens, happens. But now I see the reality that I am opening myself up to get hurt again. It's a scary transition and it's making me anxiety ridden. He pretty much told me that he is offering all he can right now. He asked if I need more of a commitment and I said not immediately, but this cannot go on indefinitely. As soon as that response came out of my mouth I was so disappointed in myself. This is such BS because a relationship label means nothing. I'll be in the same boat only it'll have a new paint job. So, I'm sitting here feeling like garbage. I just cried for the first time in weeks. I'm thinking of all the times I've stayed with someone when I should have left and I'm wondering if this is one of those times. I'm trying to figure out what I should be doing. I am horrible at being objective in times like this. These are the few options I've worked out: 1) relax and stop taking things so seriously. 2) end things immediately. there is no solution because this is a bad situation. 3) wait. I just admitted that I'm starting to care and that this situation is not ideal, nor one I will stay in for a long time. Give him time to process it. 4) write down exactly how horrible this situation is making me feel and tell him about it. (I don't think he knows how much this has been upsetting me). Seek an immediate solution or end things. I am going to go busy myself doing other things for a while. Thanks LSers for any feedback you can give me.
Eddie Edirol Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 he said thats all he can offer for now? Save yourself! It sounds like he either still isnt over his ex, or he isnt that into you. Either way is bad. Now that you told him you have feelings for him, he can stay relaxed, and he doesnt have to work for you. Thats IF he wants to work for you. This sounds like he awnts to ride it out until you give up, and he will never be fully invested. I suggest you bail.
norajane Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 He has trust and commitment issues, and you have intimacy and rejection issues. It could be a disaster. Neither of you can freely give what the other needs: you need him to trust and commit more to you before you can open up more to him, but he can't trust and commit more to you until you open up more to him. Or you can help each other get over your respective fears. Baby steps. Both of you have to take baby steps toward each other, at the same time. You let him in more, he trusts a little more. He trusts a bit more, and you open up a bit more. That's where communication comes in. It helps clarify what each of you are thinking and going through. It gives you the opportunity to reassure each other about your fears. When he brings up something about your behavior he "doesn't like", it sounds like it connects to his fears. He is seeking reassurance from you that he has nothing to fear from you. Just like when you ask for more commitment, you are seeking reassurance that he isn't going to walk away from you because you aren't "good enough" (that's the judgment anxiety issue). So, yes, you can make this work, through baby steps, if you want to do the work to help each other get over your fears. You may not want to, with him. Eventually, you both do have to grow past your insecurities, because those will be with you in every relationship until you do grow past them.
Cee Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 He's sending mixed signals. On one hand he doesn't want a to move too fast into a serious relationship, but then he engages in these honest and intimate conversations. You've been together for three months, which is long enough for him to tell you where he thinks it's headed. You know are developing real feelings for him. He owes you the truth. The good thing about him being a good communicator is he will eventually tip his hand.
ForgetMeNots Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I don't care what bad experiences he had in the past, if you guys are in actual relationship and exclusive there should be no holding back or unable to "give." If so it means he isn't ready for a relationship at all and isn't completely emotionally available for you(which is not your fault or nor should you wait till he is). He probably is judging you on his past girlfriends if he is unable to go farther,and that list is just gonna keep piling up. I would not be comparing anyone to a past relationship,because a new relationship is suppose to be a new beginning with no bias(but still wise to major red flags or prefrence.) I suggest you do #1 and would be thinking about #2 on your suggestions. Life's too short to be kept waiting. And momma always said- It isn't polite to keep a lady waiting. Good luck.
Author ScienceGal Posted November 27, 2011 Author Posted November 27, 2011 He has trust and commitment issues, and you have intimacy and rejection issues. It could be a disaster. Neither of you can freely give what the other needs: you need him to trust and commit more to you before you can open up more to him, but he can't trust and commit more to you until you open up more to him. Or you can help each other get over your respective fears. Baby steps. Both of you have to take baby steps toward each other, at the same time. You let him in more, he trusts a little more. He trusts a bit more, and you open up a bit more. That's where communication comes in. It helps clarify what each of you are thinking and going through. It gives you the opportunity to reassure each other about your fears. When he brings up something about your behavior he "doesn't like", it sounds like it connects to his fears. He is seeking reassurance from you that he has nothing to fear from you. Just like when you ask for more commitment, you are seeking reassurance that he isn't going to walk away from you because you aren't "good enough" (that's the judgment anxiety issue). So, yes, you can make this work, through baby steps, if you want to do the work to help each other get over your fears. You may not want to, with him. Eventually, you both do have to grow past your insecurities, because those will be with you in every relationship until you do grow past them. Norajane, I think you've pretty much nailed it. I'm doing my best to relax and make only well thought out decisions. I don't want to be demanding or pushy, but I also don't want to hurt myself. I'm just not sure how long I should wait...
norajane Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Norajane, I think you've pretty much nailed it. I'm doing my best to relax and make only well thought out decisions. I don't want to be demanding or pushy, but I also don't want to hurt myself. I'm just not sure how long I should wait... What is it that you are waiting for? Specifically? What is it that you need him to say or do that will make you feel the way you want to feel? What does "more commitment" look like to you?
jobaba Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Talking about things is important, but I found myself asking him last night if he thought there was such a thing as too much communication and information sharing. He has pointed out a couple things that I've done that he doesn't like. I've found being completely honest in relationships is bound to rip someone's feelings to shreds. "To be honest, when I first met you, I thought you were butt ugly." "I'd prefer to date someone who was petite." "Ideally, I'd want someone with a college degree." Stuff like that. I'm never completely honest and very careful about what I say because I'm cognizant of the other person's feelings.
Author ScienceGal Posted November 27, 2011 Author Posted November 27, 2011 What is it that you are waiting for? Specifically? What is it that you need him to say or do that will make you feel the way you want to feel? What does "more commitment" look like to you? I'm not so foolish to think that there is any certainty or guarantees in relationships, but there is happiness and comfort to be had and I want it. I still feel like he is internally processing and deciding whether or not to move forward with me. I need to stop feeling like I am being judged. I need to know that he values me in his life and wants a committed long-term relationship. I don't just want to go through the motions and I don't want to just be the warm body in the bed. I'd like to hear "you make me happy" and eventually, "I trust you". But like I said, it was only last night that I told him feelings were really starting to develop on my end. He actually just messaged me that he wishes he could see me tonight. Maybe he'll take in what I said and it'll allow him to open up more. I sure hope so.
Author ScienceGal Posted November 27, 2011 Author Posted November 27, 2011 (edited) I've found being completely honest in relationships is bound to rip someone's feelings to shreds. "To be honest, when I first met you, I thought you were butt ugly." "I'd prefer to date someone who was petite." "Ideally, I'd want someone with a college degree." Stuff like that. I'm never completely honest and very careful about what I say because I'm cognizant of the other person's feelings. Oh certainly, but I think there is a difference between stating preferences versus needs. I might prefer someone with brown hair, but I need someone that can effectively communicate. I would never state a body type/appearance preference, except if he has it and I am pointing out that I find it a turn-on. If he isn't attractive to me, I wouldn't be dating him anyway. And I am not one to try to change anyone, that's just selfish and shallow. And there really is no point to divulging this kind of information since all it will do is make the other person feel inadequate and as though you are settling. Like it, or leave it. period. Personality and common values are key things to look for and talk about. Edited November 27, 2011 by ScienceGal
norajane Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I'm not so foolish to think that there is any certainty or guarantees in relationships, but there is happiness and comfort to be had and I want it. I still feel like he is internally processing and deciding whether or not to move forward with me. I need to stop feeling like I am being judged. I need to know that he values me in his life and wants a committed long-term relationship. I don't just want to go through the motions and I don't want to just be the warm body in the bed. I'd like to hear "you make me happy" and eventually, "I trust you". But like I said, it was only last night that I told him feelings were really starting to develop on my end. He actually just messaged me that he wishes he could see me tonight. Maybe he'll take in what I said and it'll allow him to open up more. I sure hope so. IMO, some of your expectations might be a little high for a 3 month relationship. I mean, can you truly say that "you value him in your life and want a committed long term relationship" with him? Aren't you still evaluating compatibility and your own feelings for him? Aren't you still processing how far you want to move forward with him (and how far you want to open yourself up to getting hurt)? Isn't that what dating is about? It does take a while to reach that point of commitment. So maybe, you can work toward that together. Maybe you can break that down into smaller steps and ask for a baby step. If he has trouble trusting, can you ask that, if something comes up that he is worried about, that he give you the benefit of the doubt and talk to you about it instead of imagining the worst? That's a baby step toward trust. Can you ask that he reassure you that he wants to be with you (is happy) by whatever means he is comfortable with - whether that be words or affectionate hugs or doing thoughtful things for you? That is a baby step toward the commitment you ultimately want.
betterdeal Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Big picture: you're in a relationship, you see each other frequently, you like each other and you're both working to make it work more and more. So chill out - the big picture is looking good. Now you're into new territory (both of you) it can seem daunting as now you're communicating and growing together as a result, but growing pains are just that - growing pains. Fundamentally, you're acting like allies, partners, lovers. It's cool. What do you do for fun, to let your hair down? I agree with norajane, but I also think one can over think oneself into problems, and letting your hair down is how to avoid that. Go dancing? Skinny dipping? Singing your lungs out? Smoking crack? Rock climbing? Walking? Building a tree house? Whatever it is that you do that switches off the thinking muscle and switches on the doing muscle, do it. Take a break from focusing on this one aspect of your life.
Eclypse Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 As Homer Simpson pointed out in one episode: "Everybody's marriages is falling apart except ours. You see the problem is communication.... too much communication." In other words, you can never have too much communication. Its good you're letting it all out. I also think you need to relax. You're stressing too much about all this!
Author ScienceGal Posted November 27, 2011 Author Posted November 27, 2011 Big picture: you're in a relationship, you see each other frequently, you like each other and you're both working to make it work more and more. So chill out - the big picture is looking good. Now you're into new territory (both of you) it can seem daunting as now you're communicating and growing together as a result, but growing pains are just that - growing pains. Fundamentally, you're acting like allies, partners, lovers. It's cool. What do you do for fun, to let your hair down? I agree with norajane, but I also think one can over think oneself into problems, and letting your hair down is how to avoid that. Go dancing? Skinny dipping? Singing your lungs out? Smoking crack? Rock climbing? Walking? Building a tree house? Whatever it is that you do that switches off the thinking muscle and switches on the doing muscle, do it. Take a break from focusing on this one aspect of your life. I spent the day with a friend today and I came to this exact conclusion. All I need to do is refocus on myself and my personal goals. Pretty much, do exactly what I would be doing if I wasn't dating anyone. Spend more time on my hobbies and get out and make new connections/friends. I've fallen into this trap before where I drop everything and focus completely on my relationship. I won't do that this time because it's not only maddening, it's unhealthy. Thank you for your advice.
wildtrac77 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I spent the day with a friend today and I came to this exact conclusion. All I need to do is refocus on myself and my personal goals. Pretty much, do exactly what I would be doing if I wasn't dating anyone. Spend more time on my hobbies and get out and make new connections/friends. I've fallen into this trap before where I drop everything and focus completely on my relationship. I won't do that this time because it's not only maddening, it's unhealthy. Thank you for your advice. Just read your post, your def doing the right thing by focusing on your own life at this point, get out there and do your own thing,let the guy see that its his loss by not having you in his life and if/when he comes back you can decide what you want.. dating shouldnt be this much hassle like what you have gone thru with him.. Who knows what/who is around the corner!!
Author ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Just read your post, your def doing the right thing by focusing on your own life at this point, get out there and do your own thing,let the guy see that its his loss by not having you in his life and if/when he comes back you can decide what you want.. dating shouldnt be this much hassle like what you have gone thru with him.. Who knows what/who is around the corner!! We're still dating, nothing has changed to that effect, but I feel horrible right now. I am completely anxiety ridden. I posted in the seemingly less popular 'General Relationship" forum about this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t308401/
Titania22 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Is there such a thing as too much communication? Yes
ditzchic Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Oh man. I'm pretty sure you're dating my ex. lol. You seem like a pretty strong independent woman with your own stuff going on. Be aware, this type of clingy, insecure, needy boy can suck the soul right out of you. It's such a whirlwind you don't even realize it's happening. After that relationship ended and I reflected back on it I realized that I missed so many signals that this wasn't the right relationship for me. The biggest signal was that I was not happy and I was anxious all the time. I ended up acting out and doing some things I am really not proud of because of the unhappiness and anxiety. This is not how a healthy relationship should feel. If this relationship isn't enhancing your life in someway, you need to get out. That's what you need to look at right now. It's early enough that you can still make a break without it being too messy. Now is the time. If you leave him you are going to miss him like hell because his over communication has you hooked to him. I'm pretty sure that's the way clingy insecure guys operate. They want to hook us and get us addicted to something about them so it will make it harder for us to leave. But be strong.
wildtrac77 Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 We're still dating, nothing has changed to that effect, but I feel horrible right now. I am completely anxiety ridden. I posted in the seemingly less popular 'General Relationship" forum about this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t308401/ This sounds hard and prob what you dont want to hear but if its this much hassle/stress and making you feel so bad then this guy isnt right for you, dating should be going out/having some laughs.getting to know each other not what your going thru. i know its easy to say it when your not in the stituation but this guy doesnt sound right for you and you would be better moving on and finding someone that makes you feel great about yourself and really wants to be with you.
Author ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 This sounds hard and prob what you dont want to hear but if its this much hassle/stress and making you feel so bad then this guy isnt right for you, dating should be going out/having some laughs.getting to know each other not what your going thru. i know its easy to say it when your not in the stituation but this guy doesnt sound right for you and you would be better moving on and finding someone that makes you feel great about yourself and really wants to be with you. You're right that it should not be this much hassel. I am a good person and it is hurting me to be quietly judged. Being in a relationship without the label is also making me do some head scratching. This is all making me so stressed. Fact is, he's dated me long enough to know how he's feeling, and if there is still reservation on his part, I am probably not the one for him either.
RiverRunning Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 3 months is not too little into a relationship to decide if you want something long-term. If you met and IMMEDIATELY started dating, I'd say it's probably too soon. But I'm one of those types who's friends with people for a long while, and then we date, so the decision to be long-term or serious is usually very quick after we start dating - but to some extent we were 'dating' just as friends, but not officially.
Author ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 3 months is not too little into a relationship to decide if you want something long-term. If you met and IMMEDIATELY started dating, I'd say it's probably too soon. But I'm one of those types who's friends with people for a long while, and then we date, so the decision to be long-term or serious is usually very quick after we start dating - but to some extent we were 'dating' just as friends, but not officially. Are you saying it is or is not too soon for me to want assurance? I think at 3 months he should want to be my boyfriend or not. And right now it's "not". I think it's BS because we're exclusive but without the label. I'm trying to not take it personally and accept that it's his own issue with trust.
Emilia Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 You're right that it should not be this much hassel. I am a good person and it is hurting me to be quietly judged. Being in a relationship without the label is also making me do some head scratching. This is all making me so stressed. Fact is, he's dated me long enough to know how he's feeling, and if there is still reservation on his part, I am probably not the one for him either. We are all judged all the time, the difference is that he chooses to verbalise it and communicate it to you, rather than to keep it to himself. I think there is too much communication when a person can't keep the initial anxieties to him or herself. 3 months in it's completely normal to have trust or intimacy jitters but communicating those selectively is usually a smart idea. I learned that the hard way. Be careful that his jitters don't discourage you completely, a lot of those he might be able to get over in a relatively short period of time when he gets to know you better.
Sebastianthebear Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I feel for you ScienceGal. I dated a girl for two years who expected exclusivity from the start, but never wanted to be my "girlfriend." Like you, I kept trying to tell myself that it isn't the label that matters... but to some degree, it does matter! If it didn't, why would our partners be so squeamish about it?
Author ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 We are all judged all the time, the difference is that he chooses to verbalise it and communicate it to you, rather than to keep it to himself. I think there is too much communication when a person can't keep the initial anxieties to him or herself. 3 months in it's completely normal to have trust or intimacy jitters but communicating those selectively is usually a smart idea. I learned that the hard way. Be careful that his jitters don't discourage you completely, a lot of those he might be able to get over in a relatively short period of time when he gets to know you better. I am really trying to not let his jitters discourage me completely. It's very difficult though. I'm trying to strike a balance between being patient and understanding, but also looking out for what's good for me. I guess what I need is for him to verbalize something in regards to the progress of our relationship, even if small. OP, i think he is not THAT in to you, to be able to want you in his life in any meaningful way. If i was you, i would walk away and find me a partner who has feelings for me and likes/wants me in their life in a big way. "is all i can give right now" is a lie. it is "it is all i can give YOU right now, but if someone special comes along for me, i will give her all of me. It's not like he lost his feelings to the world, he just keeping them away from you. Always ask your self this when you dating, does he make me feel good about my self and the world around me....if answer is no, to any of these, he is not good for you. I am single and looking, so hit me up cutey pie! Well, I hope you are incorrect. He is a great guy! But your last paragraph of what I should be asking myself is true. I'm quite concerned about him, but I need to look out for myself too (something I have not historically done). I feel for you ScienceGal. I dated a girl for two years who expected exclusivity from the start, but never wanted to be my "girlfriend." Like you, I kept trying to tell myself that it isn't the label that matters... but to some degree, it does matter! If it didn't, why would our partners be so squeamish about it? Thanks, Sebastian. Wow, 2 years? What happened? What makes the label matter is that he is reluctant to give it. I'm trying to understand what it symbolizes to him. His last wall of protection? I've never had this issue before. I am not a multidater, so anyone I have dated for a few months has been exclusive and has turned into a relationship. This really isn't a complicated issue, but apparently it is for him and how I handle it could determine whether it ends now or not. Makes me nervous!
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