yamanbt Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 I apologize, in advance, for the length. But I am grateful for whoever may take the time to read this and offer a thoughtful response. My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 months, and have been seeing each other for a total of about 5 months. She is a wonderful woman. She is supportive, helpful, open-minded, loyal, honest, loving, caring, gentle, and intelligent. Her type is extremely rare in the city in which I live. I have spent a significant amount of time around her immediate family, and they (especially her dad) seem to like me. I have also met her extended family on both sides. She has only met my family members once, because they live in a different state. Anyway, we have had disagreements, but we have always worked it out through our mutual willingness to listen to the other. We have also started using the "L" word with each other. Sounds perfect right? Well, here's my dilemma. Her and I have differences in lifestyle and values that may be insurmountable. It hit me like a ton of bricks as I sat in her aunt's house on Thanksgiving. Allow me to explain.... I am a former Christian (not that I have anything against Christians) and I try to abide by the basic spiritual laws of the universe, and in many ways, I am still finding my path. I am a former political idealogue based on the two-party paradigm presented to us in the United States, and now I look at that system itself as the problem. I live relatively minimalistic...I mean, I obviously have a computer lol, and some other luxuries, but I don't live above my means. I am also a vegetarian (although I'm not one of those militant vegetarian types at all). She, on the other hand, is a practicing Roman Catholic, a democrat & overall believer in the United States political system as a whole, and a proponent of consumerism and the American lifestyle to the fullest. I had always forseen these things as a potential problem in the back of my mind, and we had skimmed the surface of these issues in friendly conversations prior to this. I always just thought we, as reasonable & open-minded people, would just work it out when the time came. However, as we sat in her aunt's house with her mom's entire side of the family, I became overwhelmed. Now, my girlfriend painstakingly tried to make Thanksgiving comfortable for me. She made separate vegetarian stuffing and vegetarian collard greens to make sure I had enough to eat. As we were about to eat, there were a few snarky comments about my food from family members. We ate, and the meal was good. After dinner, literally her entire family was looking through different retail fliers in preparation for black friday, while detailing which new gadgets and big ticket items they were going to buy. I am not saying that to judge them or knock them. That is their thing, and I don't believe I'm any better than them. But, I JUST FELT WAY OUT OF PLACE in that situation. I was kinda just sitting there hoping nobody was going to ask me questions. The following evening (last night), she and I were supposed to go to this hayride and bonfire that she does with her best friend's family every year. However, I told her about me feeling overwhelmed and that she should go without me. She was very upset, but went anyway. She came over my apartment to talk about it later in the night, and that's when I pretty much told her everything that I am detailing in this post, and we had a conversation about it. Our resolutions were that we can limit the amount of holiday acitivities I am involved in while I try to get used to being around her entire family (mind you, I haven't been around my own entire family in years). Also, we agreed to organize "dates" inside my apartment in which we can read together, share music and dance, have organized discussions, or play games. This will not only allow us to share information with each other, but it will allow her to understand my more minimalistic style of living instead of us going out all the time. However, unlike the rest of our conversations following a disagreement, I didn't feel like this was all the way resolved. I do love her, and want to make this work. However, what if it gets to the point where we end up living together and/or have children? What will have to give? We live so differently that it would be a tall task to try and blend that. In addition, how & what would we teach our children? Is it possible to make this relationship work long-term and stay true to who I am? I mean, we're not the first couple in history with differing ideologies, right? Until now I have always looked as our differences as a positive thing, because we balance each other out in a lot of ways. However, I fear that there may come a time when our differences are "irreconcilable". Any thoughts?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Are you trying to say that you're cheap and anti-social while you used to have an imaginary friend? And that your girlfriend clearly deserves more than that?? Why try to justify those shortcomings? That you "haven't been around your entire family in years" suggests that you are the one lacking reason and open-mindedness. On which side do you suppose the majority of LS readers will land: The one where one partner who is wonderful, supportive, open-minded, caring, and intelligent, attempts to include the other in her family circle, or on the side of the other who would sooner sit at home on "dates" which include reading together, dancing, and discussion (surely "organized" by the host, and very one-sided, given the sound of it)?? I can only imagine the popular female reaction to the following part: "we agreed to organize "dates" inside my apartment in which we can read together, share music and dance, have organized discussions, or play games. This will not only allow us to share information with each other, but it will allow her to understand my more minimalistic style of living instead of us going out all the time." The first step toward interacting successfully with somebody is to possess the first hint of a will to interact... With that last part in mind - you are just not being fair to her, yet you've stated nothing to suggest that she deserves anything less than fairness.
FitChick Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Mary Matalon and James Carville are at opposite ends of the political specturm to the point of working for opposite candidates. As far as I know, they are happily married. Just don't discuss religion or politics. Join forums for that. As for money, let her spend her own money the way she likes. However, you had better be more inventive with your free dating. At least leave the apartment and plan experiences together, even if it's bike riding or hiking or going to museums on free nights. As for the families, you won't see them that often so just be polite and cut the visit short, making plans to take your girlfriend to the hot holiday movie opening that weekend.
Cypress25 Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 This has nothing to do with religion or politics. It has nothing to do with consumerism or minimalism. The fact is, she enjoys spending time with family and friends, and you don't. She wants a healthy social life and you don't. This will never work long-term. She'll resent you when she realizes that your social anxiety is ruling her life. You're better off finding another hermit to have apartment dates with.
Author yamanbt Posted November 27, 2011 Author Posted November 27, 2011 Are you trying to say that you're cheap and anti-social while you used to have an imaginary friend? And that your girlfriend clearly deserves more than that?? Why try to justify those shortcomings? That you "haven't been around your entire family in years" suggests that you are the one lacking reason and open-mindedness. On which side do you suppose the majority of LS readers will land: The one where one partner who is wonderful, supportive, open-minded, caring, and intelligent, attempts to include the other in her family circle, or on the side of the other who would sooner sit at home on "dates" which include reading together, dancing, and discussion (surely "organized" by the host, and very one-sided, given the sound of it)?? I can only imagine the popular female reaction to the following part: "we agreed to organize "dates" inside my apartment in which we can read together, share music and dance, have organized discussions, or play games. This will not only allow us to share information with each other, but it will allow her to understand my more minimalistic style of living instead of us going out all the time." The first step toward interacting successfully with somebody is to possess the first hint of a will to interact... With that last part in mind - you are just not being fair to her, yet you've stated nothing to suggest that she deserves anything less than fairness. I knew I would get at least one response like this. You, sir, could use a lesson in reading comprehension. I never accused her or anyone else of not being open-minded. On the contrary, I praised her for being exactly that. I am certainly not cheap. I take my woman out often and foot the bill with absolutely no problem. Plus, I never have an issue forking over money for things I need. I just don't live above my means. I am certainly not anti-social. I am a teacher of high school students, I have plenty of friends and acquaintances, and I have been described as funny and outgoing. However, I do value "me time" quite a bit. I haven't been around my entire family in years because 1.) it's a huge family which is scattered all across the country, 2.) I live in a different state than my immediate family, and 3.) The death of my grandfather and other key family members translated into a loss of people who kept the family together. So please don't speak on things you know nothing about. Lastly, you belittle our choice to read together, dance and have intellectual conversations. That is amazing to me. How dare we try to build a deep intellectual bond! By the way, this agreement was arrived at by both parties. The "popular female reaction" you have in mind may be so, but my lady is not the typical female. Understand that. There are people who are different from you. Get over it. Notice that I chose my words very carefully in the original post, because many spiritual/vegetarian/intellectual/minimalist types come across as judgmental and pretentious. I am actually quite the opposite, as I tend to make it a point to exhibit humility. You, sir, have shown that you have no grasp of that concept. Furthermore, your need to throw personal attacks at me suggests that you are, perhaps, the miserable soul you insinuate me to be. In any case, I truly wish you peace and all the best.
Author yamanbt Posted November 27, 2011 Author Posted November 27, 2011 This has nothing to do with religion or politics. It has nothing to do with consumerism or minimalism. The fact is, she enjoys spending time with family and friends, and you don't. She wants a healthy social life and you don't. This will never work long-term. She'll resent you when she realizes that your social anxiety is ruling her life. You're better off finding another hermit to have apartment dates with. LOL, I have a healthy social life, thank you. Read my response above. Good day.
Author yamanbt Posted November 27, 2011 Author Posted November 27, 2011 Mary Matalon and James Carville are at opposite ends of the political specturm to the point of working for opposite candidates. As far as I know, they are happily married. Just don't discuss religion or politics. Join forums for that. As for money, let her spend her own money the way she likes. However, you had better be more inventive with your free dating. At least leave the apartment and plan experiences together, even if it's bike riding or hiking or going to museums on free nights. As for the families, you won't see them that often so just be polite and cut the visit short, making plans to take your girlfriend to the hot holiday movie opening that weekend. Thank you for your constructive response. As for the free dates...I realized that I didn't make my original post clear on that point. I am actually going to continue taking her out on dates (and yes, spending money, lol) as I have been doing, but we will just be integrating those organized nights inside my apartment as part of what we do. You made great date suggestions, though, and they are being taken into account. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and offer a thoughtful response.
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