This is my first post on here...Why is my ex doing this???

[wildirishchick]

I will try to make this as brief as possible. My ex and I were together for 8 and 1/2 years off and on. Lived together for the past 4 1/2. Had normal living together problems and I didn't communicate with him real well. Long story, short, he dumped me at the end of June. I moved out a month later. Since then, I have gone NC for my own well being. He on the other hand, has contacted me every week or so. I finally ended up blocking him from every kind of contact. He had his daughter call me from a number I didn't know last month to ask me stupid things and then emailed me last week from his BROTHERS email address. Ugh!!! Anyway, he told me that seeing pictures of us makes him realize what he let go of, that he misses me and thinks about me all of the time. He also has a very immature habit of calling me restricted, apparently to hear my voice. I know it's him because I NEVER get restricted calls any other time and since I moved out I have gotten them weekly. 4 times out of the many times "they" have called, I answered, only to have them hang up. If it was a telemarketer or bill collector, they wouldn't hang up. I had a restricted call on Thanksgiving...our first Thanksgiving not together in many years. Oh yeah...and a very important detail...he moved on very quickly with a much younger chick. I am just wondering if he has realized the grass is not greener. I know I am very much to blame for our breakup and the things I said to him. I would take him back in a heartbeat, because our problems were fixable. Please someone help me to understand why he is telling me the things he is and still calling me. Should I make the next move and tell him I miss him and still love him??? Thanks for your thoughts.

[sardeen]

I will try to make this as brief as possible. My ex and I were together for 8 and 1/2 years off and on. Lived together for the past 4 1/2. Had normal living together problems and I didn't communicate with him real well. Long story, short, he dumped me at the end of June. I moved out a month later. Since then, I have gone NC for my own well being. He on the other hand, has contacted me every week or so. I finally ended up blocking him from every kind of contact. He had his daughter call me from a number I didn't know last month to ask me stupid things and then emailed me last week from his BROTHERS email address. Ugh!!! Anyway, he told me that seeing pictures of us makes him realize what he let go of, that he misses me and thinks about me all of the time. He also has a very immature habit of calling me restricted, apparently to hear my voice. I know it's him because I NEVER get restricted calls any other time and since I moved out I have gotten them weekly. 4 times out of the many times "they" have called, I answered, only to have them hang up. If it was a telemarketer or bill collector, they wouldn't hang up. I had a restricted call on Thanksgiving...our first Thanksgiving not together in many years. Oh yeah...and a very important detail...he moved on very quickly with a much younger chick. I am just wondering if he has realized the grass is not greener. I know I am very much to blame for our breakup and the things I said to him. I would take him back in a heartbeat, because our problems were fixable. Please someone help me to understand why he is telling me the things he is and still calling me. Should I make the next move and tell him I miss him and still love him??? Thanks for your thoughts.

 

If you feel you want him back, then call him back and tell him you want a serious conversation with him.

 

Be stern with him and discuss the problems that caused the end of the relationship and make sure that he agrees to leave this other girl. Also ask yourself if you can really get over what he did in terms of dumping you and finding someone else. Dont just get back with him because you feel lonely, make sure you know the love is still there.

 

It is also important to start again, trust me I know, I got her back, but the pressure of rushing her destroyed my chances. I can not stress enough to take it slow.

 

Another thing I will repeat is to make sure all resentment over the break up along with him being with another girl and constantly calling you are gone. Even if it means contacting him and telling him that you will let him know how you feel in a week, however long it takes you to get over those feelings, if you do have them.

 

Good luck!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Yeah,

 

Your first order of business is to determine exactly what it is you want with regard to your ex.

 

In fact, make yourself state it clearly here on LS so that you're at least forced to decide what to write, and to see exactly what you decided.

 

The psychology behind his irritating actions is that to irritate you and risk making you mad puts/keeps him nearer TO you than he would be were he to completely forget that you exist.

 

IF you determine that you really would want to resume a relationship with him, AND you can see reasonable adjustments on both sides (which COULD actually take effect) to make things better, then be as direct as possible in letting him know that you would like to try to make things work with him.

 

I have a strong feeling he'd drop the young plaything as soon as he recognized another opportunity with you.

[wildirishchick]

Thanks to both of you for your responses. I very much want to get back together. I realize now how much I took him and our relationship for granted. I also know now how easy it would be to fix our relationship by just doing little things. It is so easy to lose track of what is most important until it is no longer there. These past 4+ months have given me a lot of time to think about what I could do differently if we had another chance. I have dated a few people and it only made me realize how much I still love him. I have been going to counseling and working on myself and have even told her that if he would ever consider working things out, we would definitely have to go to couples counseling as well as family counseling for his daughter's sake. I have been a part of her life since she was 8...he has custody and she lived with us and I was more of a mother to her, than her own mother. I know we would have a lot to work on, and I know it would take time to build up the trust again. But, I love him so much and KNOW that because of things I said to him for many months, made him think I didn't love him or want to be with him. I was just frustrated with the way things were going and didn't communicate it in the right way...anyway. Thanks again for your responses...I have a lot to think about.

[motive2002]

I'm going to just "free association" style write this post, and from my own bitter perspective so bear with me.

 

Sounds like NC has given you back some power. He's trying to communicate, realizing what he left behind. Maybe this fling, and the grass is not greener has had some effect on him.

 

I've been through this more than once. Things in a current long term relationship not working out.. the idea of a fling, or something less serious.. or just someone else can be very alluring. But there's really no substance. Flings, no matter how exciting can't replace a relationship built over 8 years.

 

If there are some serious core differences, it could make reconciliation impossible. If it's just day to day living stuff, perhaps better communication on both parts would be all that's needed.

 

I've lost attraction and willingness to work with long term partners. It happens. Sometimes you have to shake things to their roots in order to move to a different place in a relationship. I don't think you can reconcile and continue on "business as usual". You'll have to make a new relationship out of it, and hopefully on terms you can both be comfortable with.

 

I agree that couples counseling could be of some use here. I've learned over the years to pick my battles. Some things need to change, others can simply slide. If you can accept the person you're with, flaws and all, and let some things go, it may give you a smoother ride through the relationship.

 

I've got a ton of foibles myself, and I realize it would be asking someone a lot to put up with me sometimes. I try to make concessions, if it's really important stuff. But if my leaving the dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, or forgetting to put the seat down festers in the other person until they've exploded and can't take it anymore.. well that's communication breakdown. That's where couples counseling comes in.

 

8 years is a lot to just toss away. I don't think this fling with a younger woman is anything significant. If it were, why is he trying all these backdoor ways to re-establish contact?

 

Anyhow, posting a diatribe of assumptions based on what little information is posted here.. but perhaps it may be insightful.

[triplethreat]

Anyhow, posting a diatribe of assumptions based on what little information is posted here.. but perhaps it may be insightful.

 

I think we need a bit more detail as to what he is asking for and what he has indirectly said. It seems to me that if he wants you back, and you want him back as well, the next move is up to you.

[wildirishchick]

Thanks motive2002 and triplethreat for your responses. I'm not sure what else I can tell you...we've been broken up since the end of June...I moved out at the end of July and ever since he has initiated contact with me. Last weeks emails have really confused me. I really don't get why he would tell me that seeing pics of us after all this time have made him realize what he let go of? HE dumped ME!!! And as stated above, moved on really quick to a much younger chick!!! He also told me his misses me and thinks about me all of the time. Again, things I don't REALLY need to know unless it means something more. Meaning, if he is telling me those things hoping I will get the hint and call him or contact him, or is he just telling me that because it's the truth. See, I miss him, think about him all of the time and look at pics and realize what I know longer have, however, I do all of those things, hoping he will someday realize what we had and say he wants to work things out. I know after 8 and 1/2 years that he is going to feel all of those things, but he really has NO RIGHT to tell me them if it's just because we were together for so long. Does that make sense? I agree with every thing you said motive2002...it could NEVER go back to what we had before we broke up. We would HAVE to start from square 1. We had so much in common and had so much fun together, it was just the daily bs, living together crap that happened and we didn't communicate with each other the right way...ugh!!! I really don't know what to do. As I also said, I had a restricted call in the evening on Thanksgiving...I know he misses me!!! Thanks again for your responses!!! Broken hearts SUCK!!!!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Last weeks emails have really confused me. I really don't get why he would tell me that seeing pics of us after all this time have made him realize what he let go of? HE dumped ME!!! And as stated above, moved on really quick to a much younger chick!!! He also told me his misses me and thinks about me all of the time. Again, things I don't REALLY need to know unless it means something more. Meaning, if he is telling me those things hoping I will get the hint and call him or contact him, or is he just telling me that because it's the truth. See, I miss him, think about him all of the time and look at pics and realize what I know longer have, however, I do all of those things, hoping he will someday realize what we had and say he wants to work things out. I know after 8 and 1/2 years that he is going to feel all of those things, but he really has NO RIGHT to tell me them if it's just because we were together for so long. Does that make sense? I agree with every thing you said motive2002...it could NEVER go back to what we had before we broke up. We would HAVE to start from square 1. We had so much in common and had so much fun together, it was just the daily bs, living together crap that happened and we didn't communicate with each other the right way...ugh!!! I really don't know what to do. As I also said, I had a restricted call in the evening on Thanksgiving...I know he misses me!!! Thanks again for your responses!!! Broken hearts SUCK!!!!

 

 

(sigh) It is perfectly sensible that he first dumped you and STILL has a strong appreciation for "what he let go of".

 

Had you dumped him, he wouldn't be able to sensibly SAY "what he let go of" (unless it was the result of some addiction or the like).

 

NOW that we know what YOU want... (per the above)... your option is to make yourself directly vulnerable to him and be clear in stating that you would very much like for "us" to get back together again. I know it might leave you feeling raw and exposed, but it is supposed to... and it is from those feelings that you can make the most progress both before and after you do get back together.