Online Dating..emotionally tiring

[Casablanca]

While I stopped multi-dating due to sheer burnout before I met my current gf, I do get why you would do it from a guy's perspective. It was never about being impatient. I usually sent out messages and 2-3 girls would respond around the same time. By the time I spoke to one girl and went on a date, I was usually lining up a date with the second girl. Girl #3 usually flaked with the date setup. Even if I had a great first date I am going to see the other potentials through. Why? Because if I blow of the second girl, I my never get a chance to meet her again and she could have been the one. That said, I also feel that multi-dating gets in the way of intimacy. It is too easy to make it feel like shopping and leave unhappy (girl 1 and I get along great, but can't she look more like girl 2).

This is me as well...I dont think there is anything wrong with a date or two with a couple people and I suspect that others do it as well and then determine which of them you want to focus 100% of your attention on them. My multi"dating" I dont even tell friends I have a date until Ive seen the same person 3 times

[Casablanca]

So far older men, whom I have no interest in, have contacted me more often. I prefer men younger than me-- by a few years -- and I've not been contacted by any of them yet! I just put it on my profile a week ago.

Have you tried to contact anyone?

[refurb]

Haha...

 

What's so interesting is that multi-dating was actually really common in the past.

 

I multi-date, but I'm also 100% upfront with every woman I date. I've had some tell me that they didn't like it and wanted an answer by date #X. Which I respected.

 

I was talking to my Mom about it and she thought it was funny that people get so worked up about it. She's very conservative and dated in the 60's and nobody thought anything of multi-dating (of course people didn't sleep with people they were dating at the drop of a hat either, at least not in her social circle).

 

The truth is, you're just dating. You just met the person, why would you be so worried that they are dating other people? That would be like making a new friend and then the next day expecting them to lend you money. Dating is a process. I don't think it's weird to be exclusive after 3 or 4 dates, but from the very first date?

 

RF

[FitChick]

What's so interesting is that multi-dating was actually really common in the past.

 

I was talking to my Mom about it and she thought it was funny that people get so worked up about it. She's very conservative and dated in the 60's and nobody thought anything of multi-dating (of course people didn't sleep with people they were dating at the drop of a hat either, at least not in her social circle).

 

The truth is, you're just dating. You just met the person, why would you be so worried that they are dating other people? That would be like making a new friend and then the next day expecting them to lend you money. Dating is a process. I don't think it's weird to be exclusive after 3 or 4 dates, but from the very first date?

 

 

I agree. In the past it was considered the thing to do to date as many men as possible without having sex. It was called being popular. A woman who dated a lot of men was seen as quite the catch by other men. Less so today because they know she's probably slept with all of them.

[refurb]

I agree. In the past it was considered the thing to do to date as many men as possible without having sex. It was called being popular. A woman who dated a lot of men was seen as quite the catch by other men. Less so today because they know she's probably slept with all of them.

 

LOL! I think you have something there.

 

RF

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I know rationally one date/meeting means nothing..we aren't exclusive and owe each other nothing..but:

 

I finally met this guy I have been texting on and off with for months..i had other things i needed to take care of before going out with him (work etc)

 

We finally meet and i do genuinly like him..seems like a good catch, conversation wasn't awkward. He seemed to like me as well..he even mentioned doing something again next week and took out his calendar on his phone b/c his work schedule is different at times.

 

He walked me home and we kissed goodnight; he said he wanted to get it out of the way and he will call me after the holiday and he is done texting (i guess meaning he would rather talk etc)

 

I decided later to just quickly send a short text saying i had fun. goodnight.

 

He wrote back a couple of things saying he was glad we finally met, we should do it again next week..i wrote back simply sounds good, next week. He said he will call after the holiday.

 

He texts me for thanksigivng and i texted back. Yestereday no contact but last night I see he is still going on the site. I know he shouldnt rip down his profile..we dont know each other well at all at this point BUT he changed his profile as well..changed the heading; added some things about himself..i decided to text this morning simply asking how his holiday was..i want to show i am genuinly interested and keep my distance as well. The next move is all him, I'm leaving him alone now.

 

I know its normal in some sense but i feel like it bruised and slapped me in the face..it's one thing to keep your profile, check your mail still..but he changed it this week intentionally with the idea of making his profile better to attract someone? I just sort of can't help but feel a little hurt.

 

 

As I read this, I was applauding everything about your evolution (maybe there was too much play-by-play in the texting department, but aside from that...)

 

I'd say (and I felt this beFORE reading your comforting latest post about his wanting to meet you again)... that you were exhibiting unhealthy insecurity (here at LS, and thankfully not to him) with regard to the notations about his profile.

 

I mean, had he changed the wording of the profile to read "I'd prefer women who did NOT wear RED" (or the like) AFTER you had clearly worn red to your first meeting... then OK, draw some insecurity from that.

 

(and I assume that in such a case you'd have told us of the specifics as they related directly to you)

 

As you know/sense, he surely shouldn't have rushed to erase his whole profile after your one meeting, AND don't forget that women are most often calling the shots in the online dating game, so a guy arriving home after a similarly comfortable and intriguing first-meeting would NOT be bold enough to bet the farm on the female character involved enough to find himself tearing down his entire profile.

 

Upon his arrival home, he probably gave very little direct attention to "how HE felt (about you)"... vs. a whole lot of attention toward "how HE THINKS YOU FELT about him"...

 

(and if we take "X" amount of the insecurity you have relayed, and multiplied it by "Y", then we'll probably arrive at his perception OF your perception OF him)

[jmm]

does it happen to matter that he changed his profile yet AGAIN?? Changed the wording of what he likes to do..added stuff about his family and friends..it just seems like he is really deadset on finding another date lol..kinda stings, i can't help it

 

any other guy i met from the site who i sort of liked--they didn't go running to change their profile if at all..they were active on it but never added new things...weird...i know im being silly but i guess it still stings a little that he can't place a little more focus on giving me a chance......you know what i mean?

[Casablanca]

does it happen to matter that he changed his profile yet AGAIN?? Changed the wording of what he likes to do..added stuff about his family and friends..it just seems like he is really deadset on finding another date lol..kinda stings, i can't help it

 

any other guy i met from the site who i sort of liked--they didn't go running to change their profile if at all..they were active on it but never added new things...weird...i know im being silly but i guess it still stings a little that he can't place a little more focus on giving me a chance......you know what i mean?

Have you heard from that guy lately? (the first one)

 

And it is normal for people to keep logging in, checking their mail and not putting all their eggs in one basket; hell my last gf, one who I did meet online, on our second date I saw that she was getting messages still on her phone as it would should up on her lock screen from the dating app. It didnt bother me, she ended up deactivating the account pretty soon after and we dated for a couple months.

[the wizard]

I actually had a fall out with a woman due to her "kinda sorta" multidating. She confessed she was talking to other men but liked me and only went on dates with/wanted to see me. I told her that I appreciated her honesty but I couldn't help but take her less serious. My reason behind it is, I just felt like a number to her, like some desperate male contender trying to win her over. She tried to reassure me that she wasn't comparing me to other men but it was too late. I explained to her that knowing she's keeping other men around took away from the romance factor in things. She argued that I was seeing other women to and that if I said I wasn't she wouldn't believe me. We kept arguing and then she took the easy way out, fed me the "We clearly have different views." line and bounced.

 

I was kind of upset, cause I felt I wasted time, money and energy on her while she was just covering all of her bases. To me multidating is just a nice way to be a player.

 

The only way I wouldn't care if a woman was seeing other men is if I didn't have romantic intentions for her but rather in it for some sweet sex.

[jnc3]

I'm actually for multi-dating, for yourself and for others. It is after all why people date. I always think if I can't hold their interest than it's a blessing in disguise that they rejected me this early (before starting a relationship) anyway.

 

I do find that men mis-represent themselves on these sites (put up older pictures of themselves, lie about their height, etc.)

[SincereOnlineGuy]

does it happen to matter that he changed his profile yet AGAIN?? Changed the wording of what he likes to do..added stuff about his family and friends..it just seems like he is really deadset on finding another date lol..kinda stings, i can't help it

 

any other guy i met from the site who i sort of liked--they didn't go running to change their profile if at all..they were active on it but never added new things...weird...i know im being silly but i guess it still stings a little that he can't place a little more focus on giving me a chance......you know what i mean?

 

 

 

OK, if the guy felt pressured (by himself) to so much as come up with various activities he enjoys... JUST to have something to fill-out the category... AND IF you happened to share a conversation with him about, say, "skeet shooting"... and another about "Canasta"... and he went home and added THOSE to his list of hobbies, it may well be completely insignificant to YOU-you.

 

If on the other hand, YOU said: "man I have a tough time getting along with guys who play Canasta", and he THEN went home and updated his profile to read: "oh how I love a good game of Canasta"... then take it personally.

 

At any rate you are probably up in your head too much over this.

 

EITHER he's going to land on the side of (somebody you DON'T want to date - for significant reasons)... OR he's going to land on the side of (interesting, and interested).

 

Whether he comes up with the "reasons" or you do, doesn't really matter too much.

 

I mean, if he's a life long Packers fan, and you're a life long Bears fan, and either would have major trouble getting along with anybody from the opposite category, it really IS fine that you don't date him again.

[thatone]

I know rationally one date/meeting means nothing..we aren't exclusive and owe each other nothing..but:

 

I finally met this guy I have been texting on and off with for months..i had other things i needed to take care of before going out with him (work etc)

 

We finally meet and i do genuinly like him..seems like a good catch, conversation wasn't awkward. He seemed to like me as well..he even mentioned doing something again next week and took out his calendar on his phone b/c his work schedule is different at times.

 

He walked me home and we kissed goodnight; he said he wanted to get it out of the way and he will call me after the holiday and he is done texting (i guess meaning he would rather talk etc)

 

I decided later to just quickly send a short text saying i had fun. goodnight.

 

He wrote back a couple of things saying he was glad we finally met, we should do it again next week..i wrote back simply sounds good, next week. He said he will call after the holiday.

 

He texts me for thanksigivng and i texted back. Yestereday no contact but last night I see he is still going on the site. I know he shouldnt rip down his profile..we dont know each other well at all at this point BUT he changed his profile as well..changed the heading; added some things about himself..i decided to text this morning simply asking how his holiday was..i want to show i am genuinly interested and keep my distance as well. The next move is all him, I'm leaving him alone now.

 

I know its normal in some sense but i feel like it bruised and slapped me in the face..it's one thing to keep your profile, check your mail still..but he changed it this week intentionally with the idea of making his profile better to attract someone? I just sort of can't help but feel a little hurt.

 

i'm gonna call BS.

 

there's no way that you couldn't find time for a date in 4 months. we're talking about an hour or two here. you telling us that you can't find one spare hour in a day in four months?

 

whatever the real reason for not meeting him in 4 months was, the result is both of you have some sort of fantasy image of the other person built up that neither is going to live up to.

 

so that pretty much explains it.

Edited November 29, 2011 by thatone

[jmm]

thatone,

 

I didn't think I needed to go into details--No I didn't have time nor make time for anyone from the site or to date until I had something else settled. It was just a choice I made so I didn't get distracted.

 

We went out again last night for dinner..he asked if i wanted to get coffee or a drink and we did. We kissed here and there. He asked what my plans were for the weekend and we set something up for a night. He had his phone out while at the second place so it didn't seem like he was hiding other people.

 

Seems like things are going ok so far. He is still active on the site and added a new pic this week.

[ThsAmericanLife]

thatone,

 

I didn't think I needed to go into details--No I didn't have time nor make time for anyone from the site or to date until I had something else settled. It was just a choice I made so I didn't get distracted.

 

We went out again last night for dinner..he asked if i wanted to get coffee or a drink and we did. We kissed here and there. He asked what my plans were for the weekend and we set something up for a night. He had his phone out while at the second place so it didn't seem like he was hiding other people.

 

Seems like things are going ok so far. He is still active on the site and added a new pic this week.

 

Everybody has their own level of tolerance for multi-dating.

 

I find that people who do online dating seem to have a higher tolerance for it or even enjoy it... those that don't do online dating, don't (they don't multidate and don't enjoy it when others do).

 

IMHO, if he is adding pictures, then he is actively looking.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The whole appeal to internet dating, in addition to vast convenience, is that the machine seems to hold your hand and guide you along...

 

(much like those handrails do when you are rehabilitating from a leg injury or something similar)

 

... and from all you've said, the railings are there, and you are taking steps, and making some sort of progress.

 

It may be true that if the Queen of England or the Duchess of Cambridge (especially the Duchess of Cambridge, and even more potent, her sister) were to come along and land in his path, he might be wooed elsewhere.

 

Barring that, then the path you're on is not unhealthy, and probably not perilous to either of you. Just let life happen a bit, before leaping to a state of alarm each time there is the dating equivalent to a football 'first down'.

[TheFinalWord]

If he is updating his profile he has time to contact you. I've said a few times that there is no excuse to not keep in touch with someone these days. He has your cell number and he can contact you on that site. That's at least two mediums. He probably has your e-mail too.

 

It's more frustrating if he has not communicated with you, but takes time to update his profile. That tells you where you fall in his priorities. I've had this happen to me and it gets annoying.

 

For me, I refuse to tolerate second class behavior. With on-line dating if I am e-mailing a girl and we go back and forth, then she goes MIA, but I can see she has logged in days in a row?? Nah, she's had time to respond...BLOCK (and I don't care if they're hot!, I'm not desperate). I'm a bit older (33) and know I'm a good guy so I simply refuse to give my precious time to players! LOL

 

One thing I have learned from dating in general is to not accept second class behavior. When you do you're giving that person permission to treat you in a way you don't like. By constantly reinforcing (by acting like it's not there/ putting up with it) it you are rewarding their second class behavior towards you.

 

One extreme to consider is he may be testing if you are the jealous type by keeping his profile fresh. Who knows his past, he may have been in a relationship with a really jealous girl and doesn't want another experience like that.

Edited December 1, 2011 by TheFinalWord

[watermelonjuice]

OP, I totally empathize and understand your situation because I'm in a similar case.

 

But I think after a while I "got used" to it. I've released photos to guys that after a while said "okay, got to go." or along the lines. Eventually I knew for sure what that meant and stopped hoping for these guys to genuinely only mean they just had to run but will be back another time to contact me.

 

All I can say is online dating provides that one more avenue to meet people but it's not a great tool most of the times.

 

I've chosen to give up on it and try other means which I don't know what yet. But if you choose to continue with it, I see no harm in just enjoying the ride while learning to not put your complete focus on it.

[phillyfan]

Dude just chill. U only know the dude is updatin his profile cos u r loggin on 2.

 

Mayb hes seen u loggin on n freakd out, n was p*ssed and decided 2 up his game and line up a few otha dates in case it didnt workout wit u, seein as u r all about the loggin on and checkin out the otha dudes (or so he thinks). Girl, also evry dude knows tht girls get like 100 times the msg's on these sites so he has more reason 2 freak thn u.

 

Is this a site u pay 4? Makes sense if the dude is tryin 2 use it insted of wastin the money he payed.

 

But did u say he aint callin ova the vacation? Keep a lookout mayb hes spendin it wit anotha woman, or maybe not, maybe jus family chillin time wit his folks, but thnk about it. Tho, hes only jus met u he shudnt hav 2 txt u evry day u guys aint there yet.

[jmm]

we had our second date tuesday which went well..i contacted him yesterday through text saying had fun and joked around about something..We texted back and forth at night..i responded to one text and that was it. I haven't heard from him at all today. Either he is trying to play his cards right, on a date with someone else from the site, or not overly interested. We have plans for saturday but i guess i get a little insecure thinking maybe he is blowing me off...