jmm Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 I know rationally one date/meeting means nothing..we aren't exclusive and owe each other nothing..but: I finally met this guy I have been texting on and off with for months..i had other things i needed to take care of before going out with him (work etc) We finally meet and i do genuinly like him..seems like a good catch, conversation wasn't awkward. He seemed to like me as well..he even mentioned doing something again next week and took out his calendar on his phone b/c his work schedule is different at times. He walked me home and we kissed goodnight; he said he wanted to get it out of the way and he will call me after the holiday and he is done texting (i guess meaning he would rather talk etc) I decided later to just quickly send a short text saying i had fun. goodnight. He wrote back a couple of things saying he was glad we finally met, we should do it again next week..i wrote back simply sounds good, next week. He said he will call after the holiday. He texts me for thanksigivng and i texted back. Yestereday no contact but last night I see he is still going on the site. I know he shouldnt rip down his profile..we dont know each other well at all at this point BUT he changed his profile as well..changed the heading; added some things about himself..i decided to text this morning simply asking how his holiday was..i want to show i am genuinly interested and keep my distance as well. The next move is all him, I'm leaving him alone now. I know its normal in some sense but i feel like it bruised and slapped me in the face..it's one thing to keep your profile, check your mail still..but he changed it this week intentionally with the idea of making his profile better to attract someone? I just sort of can't help but feel a little hurt.
Author jmm Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 bump....gese people post on topics fast lol
fortyninethousand322 Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 Yeah this is one of the negatives about online dating, the ability and tendency to over think everything done on the site. Whether it's logging in, updating one's profile, or whatever. But, to be honest, if he wasn't updating his profile, he still could have been going out and meeting women offline too. So, I wouldn't worry about it yet. You're not at a point where this is a concern.
Author jmm Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 yea it's true..it's not my concern..it just kinda stung how he updated it a few days after our date. It made me think well maybe he isn't that into me then. ugh..tiring..i do like him and i am hoping it can lead somewhere if we continue to get along well.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 alot of people have problems with 'multidating'... even in a casual fashion. Me? When I agree to meet a man, I'm not seeing other men at all. I prefer to get to know him and have no problems going on a few dates before making up my mind whether I want to continue seeing him. Others feel that casually dating others simultaneously is not a problem... and that it is practically assumed with online dating. for me... the whole online thing destroyed the process of building intimacy. I hated it when I was there and it gave me a negative impression of men overall. Not because they were all that 'bad'... mostly because the multidating thing left me feeling they were not sincere... even if *I* was the one they ultimately 'chose' after their multidating adventure. It just didn't sit well with me. If I were to do it again, I'd make it very clear in my profile that if I agree to see them that I only see them one at a time... and that I prefer they do not respond to me or contact me unless they were willing to give me the same level of attention. Maybe you want to modify your profile to say the same thing
fortyninethousand322 Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 alot of people have problems with 'multidating'... even in a casual fashion. Me? When I agree to meet a man, I'm not seeing other men at all. I prefer to get to know him and have no problems going on a few dates before making up my mind whether I want to continue seeing him. Others feel that casually dating others simultaneously is not a problem... and that it is practically assumed with online dating. for me... the whole online thing destroyed the process of building intimacy. I hated it when I was there and it gave me a negative impression of men overall. Not because they were all that 'bad'... mostly because the multidating thing left me feeling they were not sincere... even if *I* was the one they ultimately 'chose' after their multidating adventure. It just didn't sit well with me. If I were to do it again, I'd make it very clear in my profile that if I agree to see them that I only see them one at a time... and that I prefer they do not respond to me or contact me unless they were willing to give me the same level of attention. Maybe you want to modify your profile to say the same thing No offense, but I wonder if some of that has to do with your age, meaning, you probably are more serious about dating than someone say my age (23). I've personally never multi-dated, mostly because I have a hard enough time getting one girl to go out on a date with me, let alone 2 or more. But, I think there's a difference between multidating and say, going on a date with a girl you like but aren't sure where things are going and still going out with your friends and flirting with some girls, maybe even getting a few numbers. If you're not in a relationship yet, you can't really go and close off all your options yet.
Casablanca Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 alot of people have problems with 'multidating'... even in a casual fashion. Maybe he doesnt want to keep all his eggs in one basket? I have "multi dated" where I went out with a couple girls one or two times before figuring out who I liked the most and who I wanted to try and see if there was long term potential. Some guys will go beyond what I do where they are actually dating multiple people for weeks upon weeks. There is no telling what he is thinking...and like someone said, yeah that is one thing I hate about online dating is that it gives us a chance to over analyze everything little thing
FitChick Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 What's good for the goose is good for the gander, as the saying goes. Why not do the same as he has done? Update your profile, but maybe say you like getting to know one man at a time to see how things go rather than dating many different guys at the same time. There are plenty of men like you. His thinking could be "If I got her, I might be able to get someone better." Odds are he won't so you may hear from him again. Then you will know you won the contest. You may have found someone better by then yourself.
Author jmm Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 thank you for the support..yea i am definitely not a multi dating kind of girl..it takes up too much time in my opinion and too much work lol Now that i saw that, i am sort of thinking negatively that maybe I won't hear from him again..it's just funny how he texted me for the holiday though. I think so far i am playing my cards right..a simply text today was just to show my interest since there are sooo many options online..if we met at a regular bar or wherever my actions and thinking may be different. I didn't think i would get stung by that but i did.
monkey00 Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 (edited) Multi-dating or talking to different people over the dating site is normal, and often times when you do online dating you should go all in expecting this. That way there is little room for disappointment. When I was younger a few years back, I did the same. Sometimes I would not hear back from the girl or I would not contact them after the first date. I think for me I chose that path because I held the assumption they were doing the same (and probably were), and to stay on top of meeting girls and meeting the right one. I had the mindset if you put all your eggs in one basket, it might go to waste if either one of you don't see eye to eye. Better to spread your eggs and your prospects if you have the energy for it. These days I just prefer to date one girl at a time. Because I don't have the energy and time for it, and I've matured a lot in knowing what I want from a woman. I actually have a date tonight with someone I started messaging after signing up with a website last week, though I was surprised when she updated her profile this morning. It happens...but like others said, it's easy to over-analyze things. Another thing about having your profile up is you can often fall victim to attention wh*ring, and be obsessed about having others inflate your ego. My 2 cents is this: If you don't have hard skin for this, then online dating may not be your cup of tea. If you don't then build a hard skin or just don't do online dating. Edited November 26, 2011 by monkey00
mammamia1 Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 good news is as a guy, they don't get that many messages on online dating. I once tried to pose as a guy (with the most amazing pics and profile) and for a few days, there're almost no message. I messaged some girls but got only 1 reply. I was in the same situation as you (I hope we're not seeing the same guy lol!) so I'm very intrigued too. Personally I would cancel all other dates to pursue one potential at a time, so I don't know why some people do this. Please do come back and give updates how your situation turns out.
monkey00 Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 good news is as a guy, they don't get that many messages on online dating. I once tried to pose as a guy (with the most amazing pics and profile) and for a few days, there're almost no message. I messaged some girls but got only 1 reply. I think a lot of guys including me have faced that same problem. I think women, especially if they go online dating have a lot more choices and prospects because they get bombarded with messages from men daily. Men on the other hand rarely get responses back, and if they do it's from the tens of messages they sent out. When you're dating in general, you can't always win or the person won't always like you the same way you like them. But at least the odds of success for you as a female is probably ten folds higher than a guy's. So for the OP, it ain't so bad being a girl.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 No offense, but I wonder if some of that has to do with your age, meaning, you probably are more serious about dating than someone say my age (23). I've personally never multi-dated, mostly because I have a hard enough time getting one girl to go out on a date with me, let alone 2 or more. But, I think there's a difference between multidating and say, going on a date with a girl you like but aren't sure where things are going and still going out with your friends and flirting with some girls, maybe even getting a few numbers. If you're not in a relationship yet, you can't really go and close off all your options yet. I don't think it has anything to do with my age... it has everything to do with one's intentions and ability to focus. Maybe that is a maturity thing, who knows? I'd like to think it isn't. When my dad met my mom, he didn't say 'hold on, I've got 2-3 other ladies I need to check in with first (rolleyes). I see this as a chicken and egg thing... people say "if they aren't in a relationship yet, they can't really go and close off all their options" Well, how in the heck can you possibly decide if there is any potential if you are busy exploring your options?? The OP just pointed out how his behavior makes her question his sincerity. Great. Now there is a wall between them. Why? Because he doesn't have the patience to spend, what, 2-3 dates to explore more? How long can that possibly take?? A couple of weeks? Sheesh. How is spending a few weeks getting to know someone one at a time hurting anyone??
yeahyeahyeah Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Lucky for you jmm, I'm basically that guy on the other end. At first I thought you were the person I had gone on a date with, and my heart stopped for a second, but the more I read, I realized the details didn't stack up (walking home, kiss after the first date, you texting him after first date). Anyways, in my situation, we messaged back in forth for a while and then finally decided to meet up. It went well, no awkward silences, etc. I thought she was sort of uninterested though. It was almost like we'd make really good friends but I didn't think she was feeling anything romantic. After the meal, walked her to her car and she suggested we get together after she gets back from thanksgiving travels/vacation. So, I thought, that sounds encouraging. I texted her during the holiday. But I did go back to my account/profile because I still was unsure about her (just certain body language, time that it would take to respond to messages or texts sometimes; also, she was in some ways eerily similar to my ex). I'm still interested and think she's really cool, but I'm just trying to be chill about it. And in order to be chill about it, I'm keeping my profile up on the backburner. If he's like me, he'll probably take his profile down once he's a little more sure of the situation with you. He's actually probably just trying to not invest too quickly and keep some distance, and his way of doing that is to toy with idea of lining up another date if things don't develop with you.
FitChick Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I'm cancelling my account. Most of the women on there mutlidate and are not afraid to say so. Needless to say, I've thrown time and money away for nothing. Someone with confidence wouldn't care and would think, Let her date other guys. She'll never find anyone as wonderful as I am. Don't you think that's a healthier attitude to have than that you will always lose out in the comparison? I don't see why anyone would get their knickers in a twist after one date. Hardly time to be exclusive. Some people want to be exclusive right away so they can have sex and then guess what? They get dumped. Take your time. You are still young.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Lucky for you jmm, I'm basically that guy on the other end. At first I thought you were the person I had gone on a date with, and my heart stopped for a second, but the more I read, I realized the details didn't stack up (walking home, kiss after the first date, you texting him after first date). Anyways, in my situation, we messaged back in forth for a while and then finally decided to meet up. It went well, no awkward silences, etc. I thought she was sort of uninterested though. It was almost like we'd make really good friends but I didn't think she was feeling anything romantic. After the meal, walked her to her car and she suggested we get together after she gets back from thanksgiving travels/vacation. So, I thought, that sounds encouraging. I texted her during the holiday. But I did go back to my account/profile because I still was unsure about her (just certain body language, time that it would take to respond to messages or texts sometimes; also, she was in some ways eerily similar to my ex). I'm still interested and think she's really cool, but I'm just trying to be chill about it. And in order to be chill about it, I'm keeping my profile up on the backburner. If he's like me, he'll probably take his profile down once he's a little more sure of the situation with you. He's actually probably just trying to not invest too quickly and keep some distance, and his way of doing that is to toy with idea of lining up another date if things don't develop with you. that's just fear talking. A couple of weeks... shoot, a couple of days of waiting makes all of the difference. I told my best guy friend when he met his current girlfriend... DO NOT do the multidating thing. Be patient. Give it a few weeks. He did, and they seem very happy now. People shoot themselves in the foot all of the time with OLD and the 'appearance' of options.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Someone with confidence wouldn't care and would think, Let her date other guys. She'll never find anyone as wonderful as I am. Don't you think that's a healthier attitude to have than that you will always lose out in the comparison? I don't see why anyone would get their knickers in a twist after one date. Hardly time to be exclusive. Some people want to be exclusive right away so they can have sex and then guess what? They get dumped. Take your time. You are still young. Fitchick, it isn't lack of confidence that makes me discard multidaters. I know that alot of people don't share my opinion, but I feel that multidating is just disrespectful. It has nothing to do with being jealous, possessive, or insecure. I want to give someone my full attention. I can't do that when I've got a string of other men lined up. And if he has a string of women lined up, he's not focusing on me either. why waste my time??
spiderowl Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 If a guy doesn't get in touch with me very shortly after a date, I figure he's not interested. If he makes a very vague arrangement, like we'll have to do this again sometime or we'll get in touch next week some time, and then I don't hear from him for a week, he's not interested. I think some guys keep in touch to keep you on the string but don't put themselves out too much. Your guy sounds like he's busy keeping his options open. I think I'd move on if I were you. Guys who are interested keep in touch and don't leave you wondering where you stand with them.
PhillyDude Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 The only time a person should be concerned about someone going back online after a date is if they are not CONTACTING YOU If the person is showing you interest and calling you and texting you then it shouldn't be a problem. Now if they are not calling you or responding to your calls then I would take seeing them online a lot more seriously
Mrlonelyone Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Like others my preferred mode of dating is to meet the person offline in a natural way. Get to know eachother in a non romantic context first. Then if I really like the person make it known. I feel so old. To too many young folks doing that is somehow wrong. Instead we should wear a fake mask, do certain prescribed activities, on certain prescribed days and times or else it's weird. So man God D@mmed rules to follow.
Author jmm Posted November 27, 2011 Author Posted November 27, 2011 (edited) well he asked to meet up again..so i guess that's a good sign for now lol Edited November 27, 2011 by jmm
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 That's exactly what I state in my profile-- First of all, I'm a one-man woman. I don't put out 'feelers' to several guys at once. I choose to communicate with, and hopefully meet, one at a time. If things don't work out, I move on. Have you had more luck meeting men who also don't multidate using this approach? I'd like to think there are plenty of men who also have the same dating style... and would see a statement like that (worded in a friendly, non-bitter way) as a definate positive.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 How long is very shortly? During the date. If a guy is interested, he is making arrangements for our next date on the spot. I'm doing the same with him. If he's not, he's exploring other options... which means I'm probably not interested in him after that either. Friends yes. Romance? very unlikely.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Fitchick, it isn't lack of confidence that makes me discard multidaters. I know that alot of people don't share my opinion, but I feel that multidating is just disrespectful. It has nothing to do with being jealous, possessive, or insecure. I want to give someone my full attention. I can't do that when I've got a string of other men lined up. And if he has a string of women lined up, he's not focusing on me either. why waste my time?? I actually had a lady mix me up with another guy because she was multidating. She referenced a story some other guy had told her and thought it was me. That was our second and last date. I felt like a chump.
Sanman Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 I don't think it has anything to do with my age... it has everything to do with one's intentions and ability to focus. Maybe that is a maturity thing, who knows? I'd like to think it isn't. When my dad met my mom, he didn't say 'hold on, I've got 2-3 other ladies I need to check in with first (rolleyes). I see this as a chicken and egg thing... people say "if they aren't in a relationship yet, they can't really go and close off all their options" Well, how in the heck can you possibly decide if there is any potential if you are busy exploring your options?? The OP just pointed out how his behavior makes her question his sincerity. Great. Now there is a wall between them. Why? Because he doesn't have the patience to spend, what, 2-3 dates to explore more? How long can that possibly take?? A couple of weeks? Sheesh. How is spending a few weeks getting to know someone one at a time hurting anyone?? While I stopped multi-dating due to sheer burnout before I met my current gf, I do get why you would do it from a guy's perspective. It was never about being impatient. I usually sent out messages and 2-3 girls would respond around the same time. By the time I spoke to one girl and went on a date, I was usually lining up a date with the second girl. Girl #3 usually flaked with the date setup. Even if I had a great first date I am going to see the other potentials through. Why? Because if I blow of the second girl, I my never get a chance to meet her again and she could have been the one. That said, I also feel that multi-dating gets in the way of intimacy. It is too easy to make it feel like shopping and leave unhappy (girl 1 and I get along great, but can't she look more like girl 2).
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