Worried after period of silence :(

[sweetyboo33]

I've been seeing this guy for about a month now and things moved very quickly...not so much physically, but emotionally. We wanted to be together a lot, had phone conversations for hours until early AM, texted and talked every day after our first day, and just ultimately felt an instant connection. He was very sweet and affectionate. We're both looking for the same things in life, share similar values, and are marriage-minded at this point in life. We even hinted at things with us being something that maybe would last forever and maybe having a future together...saying things like "might be our last first kiss" and "start of something special" etc etc. We kept saying things like we were so blessed to know each other. I felt comfortable being myself with him and when we were together. We were in our own little world smiling, laughing and being cute and romantic together. I would joke that we were making our own romantic comedy. When we were apart, we'd both say that we missed each other. You probably get the gist. He was crazy for me and I for him. We were on the brink of becoming an official couple it seemed. Things were really falling into place.

 

Soooo, then I was a bit surprised when on Wednesday night I didn't hear anything from him. His last text to me Wed. afternoon said he "wouldn't mind a smooch." and that he missed me. So, things were good with us - no problems. He had always called or at least texted on his way home from work and before going to sleep. So, I texted him to say I missed talking to him and hoped everything was okay (I'm a worrier by nature). I didn't receive a response that night or the next day (Thanksgiving). Nothing all day. I was sad, but chalked it up to maybe he was just really busy spending the holiday with his family that was visiting from out of town. Still, I thought it was odd that he wouldn't have texted me a little something as he had been doing every day for the last four weeks, even if just to say hi or something at the end of his day before bed or when getting up. I started to worry a bit. Then Friday. Same thing happened. I texted him saying that I missed him and hoped that I'd hear from him soon, that it wasn't like him to be so silent. I didn't hear from him all day. I thought maybe something was up with his texting, so I called him at the suggestion of my friend. It went to voicemail both times, so I left a sweet voice message saying basically the same thing - hoping things were okay and that I missed him and that if I did or said something to upset him recently, I wanted him to call me to let me know so I'd have the opportunity to try to make things right. I told him how special things were between us and that I didn't think it was in his character to say goodbye in silence like this. Still no call or text after that heartfelt message to him. It's now Saturday almost noon. He hasn't been active on Facebook or the dating site that we met on in almost a week. I have no idea what to think, but I'm worried beyond belief and driving myself crazy right now. Every possible reason is running through my head...he met someone else, he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, he was in an accident, he's sick, something bad happened to him, he lost/damaged his phone, something happened at work (he has a very high-risk job with Gov. agency), he had to leave town unexpectedly for work or something. Died, even?? I have no idea, but I would think with everything going so well with us, he'd be considerate enough to let me know something by phone or e-mail if one of those scenarios was the case, unless something really bad happened to him and was unable to contact me. This is just so unlike him to be so silent. Even if he was cold-hearted and I was being deceived this whole time, most people would at least text or e-mail saying they were done with dating them. And I understand the vanishing act being normal when people casually date for a few times, but we were way beyond that.

 

Please advise. I'm so distraught and don't know what to do. I don't want to accept that I've lost him and this is the end just yet. Should I go to his house when I know he would normally be home from work and relatives out of town for the holiday (i.e. Sunday night)? Maybe e-mail his best friend (he knows about me, never met tho) and ask if he has heard from him and knows anything? I just want answers. I'm worried about him.

[Lilmisus]

I've been in this situation before, so I know how you feel, and I know how hard it is to not worry and to sit around and do nothing as you're worrying. But...you have to realize that when he turns his phone back on (since it seems obvious that it's off at the moment) that he'll be getting all your calls/texts all at once, and you don't want to overpower him with them. Major red flags will shoot up for him if he sees that he has 50 missed messages from you within the week.

 

So first. Stop texting/calling him. He'll get back to you as soon as he can, and if he doesn't, then it's his loss. He may have been promising, but destroying contact for a few days (especially during a major holiday) is a huge red flag, and you need to see it for what it is.

 

Next. Stop worrying. I take it your Facebook friends with him? I've noticed that each time a major occurrence happens in my life or a friend's life, people take to their Facebook wall to offer condolences. If you can see that there's no "Get well soon!" or "I'm going to miss you bro" messages, then for the time being assume that he has not been in any sort of accident. This may not be the best way to tell if someone is or is not okay, but for right now use this as a way to ease your fear that something happened to him.

 

Something not to do though is do not message his friend. You haven't met him and that'd be just plain weird. If something happened to him and his friend felt you should know, if he's a decent person and knows how to get ahold of you, he would reach out to you and tell you.

 

But this is what I think has happened based on the facts: I think that he has found another lady friend. Either that, or he's had another lady friend, and he didn't want to send up red flags while with her by texting/calling you or talking to you on Facebook.

 

If after a week though you haven't heard from him, here are two options: Move on, or go to his house. Ask yourself which you'd prefer doing and which you'd be more comfortable with, but that's up to you.

 

I do hope he's okay though, but from past experience, if you don't hear from him, it's never a good sign.

[Yookie]

I've been seeing this guy for about a month now and things moved very quickly...not so much physically, but emotionally. ...And I understand the vanishing act being normal when people casually date for a few times, but we were way beyond that.

 

After a month how well do you REALLY know this guy? Please be careful with your feelings when you first meet someone. Most people don't start to show their true colors until about 3 months or more.

 

So now you know he's the type that disappears on holidays. He may or may not contact you again but just chalk it up as a lesson learned.

[sweetyboo33]

Thanks so much for your response. Good things to think about there. It's good to get others' perspectives since I've never been in this situation before and because my emotions oftentimes get in the way of good judgment.

 

One thing I should have been more specific on in my original post is that while his phone went to voicemail, it did ring first, so it was actually turned on. Also, he has Verizon and so do I, so I can tell when texts go through and they all have been marked as 'received.' So, either he is getting the messages and just not responding, something happened to his phone (lost/left at work, which can happen since he can't carry it on him in his bldg when he's there), or something happened to him. I definitely have been monitoring his Facebook page for any wall postings. So far, nothing. He's been with sisters and cousins during the holiday, so I thought maybe they would post something. It's possible that friends may not know information at this point, but who knows. I could speculate on the situation forever and it will just continue driving me crazy.

 

I'm not too convinced about him seeing another girl. He is not the player type, he's said he is very loyal, we discussed cheating and how he's been cheated on and left for another guy before but never been on the other end, and when he isn't working very long hours daily, he'd be with me or talking to me. So, not sure when he'd have time to entertain someone else really. And oftentimes, someone shows signs of becoming distant before vanishing I've noticed. There were no signs with him. His last text on Wed. was that he missed me. This whole situation just blows my mind. I think I'll definitely have to visit him at his house to see if that reveals anything. Otherwise, I'll be wondering and wondering. I need closure.

 

I guess I won't e-mail his best friend. Hopefully he'd contact me if something was wrong with him when the friend learned of it.

[Fondue]

People have the tendency to assume the worst. I think in this situation is isn't appropriate.

 

Lilmisus pointed out that it's a holiday break and he should be contacting you, but I see it in complete opposite.

 

It's a holiday break and he's spending time with his family, friends, etc. He may even be out of town. Or hell, he may be working. This is a time of year when people are simply busier than ever. He may simply be busy, or hell, even lost his phone among all the ruckus.

 

Just occupy yourself with something else while you wait for him to return your contact attempts. He's likely just unavailable.

[Lurker1983]

You are naive and just plain 'something' to have known a guy for a few weeks and assume this.

 

My take as a guy is he's been stringing you along and deceiving you. My take on you is that you are a nice person and because you are a decent human being see the same in others. He is a con...nice as pie on the surface but controlling you.

 

This relationship is a month old. Wake up. If he comes back and even if he seems the nicest guy in the world with the best story ever, you are an IDIOT to keep seeing him. You are beiong played like a fish on a line.

 

Who are you to call her an idiot? People aren't born relationship experts and it's common to be naive in the beginning. You learn from making mistakes and screwing up.

 

If you thought she was a good human being and a nice person, there's no need to call her an idiot.

[Lilmisus]

People have the tendency to assume the worst. I think in this situation is isn't appropriate.

 

Lilmisus pointed out that it's a holiday break and he should be contacting you, but I see it in complete opposite.

 

It's a holiday break and he's spending time with his family, friends, etc. He may even be out of town. Or hell, he may be working. This is a time of year when people are simply busier than ever. He may simply be busy, or hell, even lost his phone among all the ruckus.

 

Just occupy yourself with something else while you wait for him to return your contact attempts. He's likely just unavailable.

 

I agree that he should be spending time with his family and friends and whomever else he's with, but why I said that he should be contacting her, is that if they're dating, and he's not at the very least wishing her a "happy thanksgiving" and instead is ignoring her, then that's a huge red flag. Yes, spend time with those around you, but don't ignore the girl you're trying to impress.

 

Since the messages have been going through and so did the calls, it looks like he is ignoring you. Maybe he ran out of minutes? Who knows...but I'm sorry, there's no reason to ignore someone that you were talking to pretty consistently beforehand. Also, I agree, one month of knowing someone is not enough time to tell if they're the player or not. Sometimes the nicest guys can be the biggest deceivers. Wait till you finally hear from him though and hear what he says before you label him as one or not. Though maybe they all decided "everyone put down your phones and computers while you're here spending Thanksgiving break with us" it's not very likely.

[snowflakes88]

In the future I'd caution you from making huge declarations after such a short amount of time with somebody.

 

Oh, this is rich.

[sweetyboo33]

Oh you guys are SO awesome - complete strangers taking time out of their day to give helpful perspective and advice. You've all shed some light on the situation and I feel a little better about a very disappointing and hurtful situation. Thank you all so much!! It's given me a lot to think about.

 

I agree that I can be naive, but moreso I think I allow my emotions to get the best of me and cloud good judgment. I get wrapped up in the moment a lot and tend to fall for the sweetness, kind gestures, and affection. A sucker, yes, I admit. Gets me hurt. Surely, I need to guard my heart.

 

And I agree with what a lot of you said with regard to him at least responding in some little way over the last few days even if he was with family. There is no reason to ignore someone whether or not you still want to date them. I guess the only GOOD reason would be something really major happened to him. Even if something happened to his phone (left it at work Wednesday, lost it, damaged it, etc), he could still send an e-mail.

 

A few hours ago I saw that a co-worker posted on his Facebook page about him not being at work after Thanksgiving, which is very unlike him...he told me he hasn't called out of work in years and takes his job very seriously there. So, he called out to be with family or missed work for something even more significant I suppose. But who knows. I'm done speculating until I learn more as hopefully things are revealed in time.

 

Maybe it can be seen as possessive or needy that I texted and called a few times in the last four days, but honestly I see it as caring as to what happened with us and to make sure he was okay. It was all heartfelt and didn't come across as angry. It's interesting, a few weeks ago actually, we were talking one night and I told him that I didn't call guys and that guys should do the pursuing. He agreed with me about the pursuing part, but said something along the lines of "you mean you wouldn't call a guy if he suddenly stopped calling you?" to which I responded "no, probably not." He was shocked and said "wow." So, I think he wouldn't mind if I reached out after him not contacting me. So, I took that as meaning it was okay with him that I texted and called a few times in a four day period. But I am done with contacting him at this point. Ball is totally in his court now and if there is no good excuse for him ignoring my texts/calls in the last few days, I don't think I would even entertain picking up where we left off. I feel it's inconsiderate of my feelings, rude, and immature if there's no valid reason. It would hurt a lot considering where I thought we were, but what can ya do? I have too much self-respect to allow a guy to go MIA for awhile. And if this is his way of telling me goodbye for some odd reason, shame on him.

[spiderowl]

It is odd, but if he genuinely was going to stay with his family over Thanksgiving, then they would surely have been in touch with anyone that knew him if he hadn't turned up safely.

 

The work thing is odd, especially if a work colleague posted. I think I'd be watching to see if he replied to that one. The guy you were seeing sounds as if he was OK mentally though, so doesn't sound like he would disappear and abandon friends and family.

 

I'm hoping this will turn out well but it's not looking good generally. I have been in a similar position and was worried about the guy as he had a risky job too. Eventually, he responded and told me to go away. He was playing me all along. I can't tell you how callous that seemed to me at the time. He was a very good liar. I won't go into detail as to how he convinced me he was genuine but he was very good at lying. He was probably giving lots of other women the same story. People like that deserve the worst and I hope some woman treats him as badly one day. I hope that's not the situation in your case but I guess you'll find out sooner or later. Just bear in mind that if he is a creep like that, it's nothing you've done but it says an awful lot about the sociopathic nature of these kinds of guys.

 

It does destroy one's faith in guys, which is sad for those who might be genuine, but I haven't been able to trust since then.

[snowflakes88]

Why's that?

 

I'll humor you, but this will be my final post on the subject so as not to hijack OP's thread. I think you are annoyingly self-righteous and highly hypocritical. You spend a lot of time telling other women that they are being mistreated/played, and that their S/O's behavior is unjustifiable. Yet, you regularly justify mistreatment and disrespect from your own "boyfriend." You chide OP for making "huge declarations" after knowing her bf such a short time, yet you have done/are doing precisely the same thing with your own "boyfriend." Ironically, the OP has spent significantly more face-to-face time with her S/O than you have with yours. The words OP and her S/O exchange set off your "creepometer" and makes you question their maturity. However, every alleged exchange between you and your "boyfriend" sounds like something out of a Harlequin romance novel, as pointed out by several posters in another thread. But that's different, because you two are adults and what you have is so real, right? In sum, I simply find it interesting/amusing that you offer firm, bordering-on-self-righteous advice to others, yet get irritated when other posters offer similar advice to you regarding your "relationship."

Edited November 27, 2011 by snowflakes88

[LilMissMovinOn]

Oh you guys are SO awesome - complete strangers taking time out of their day to give helpful perspective and advice. You've all shed some light on the situation and I feel a little better about a very disappointing and hurtful situation. Thank you all so much!! It's given me a lot to think about.

 

I agree that I can be naive, but moreso I think I allow my emotions to get the best of me and cloud good judgment. I get wrapped up in the moment a lot and tend to fall for the sweetness, kind gestures, and affection. A sucker, yes, I admit. Gets me hurt. Surely, I need to guard my heart.

 

And I agree with what a lot of you said with regard to him at least responding in some little way over the last few days even if he was with family. There is no reason to ignore someone whether or not you still want to date them. I guess the only GOOD reason would be something really major happened to him. Even if something happened to his phone (left it at work Wednesday, lost it, damaged it, etc), he could still send an e-mail.

 

A few hours ago I saw that a co-worker posted on his Facebook page about him not being at work after Thanksgiving, which is very unlike him...he told me he hasn't called out of work in years and takes his job very seriously there. So, he called out to be with family or missed work for something even more significant I suppose. But who knows. I'm done speculating until I learn more as hopefully things are revealed in time.

 

Maybe it can be seen as possessive or needy that I texted and called a few times in the last four days, but honestly I see it as caring as to what happened with us and to make sure he was okay. It was all heartfelt and didn't come across as angry. It's interesting, a few weeks ago actually, we were talking one night and I told him that I didn't call guys and that guys should do the pursuing. He agreed with me about the pursuing part, but said something along the lines of "you mean you wouldn't call a guy if he suddenly stopped calling you?" to which I responded "no, probably not." He was shocked and said "wow." So, I think he wouldn't mind if I reached out after him not contacting me. So, I took that as meaning it was okay with him that I texted and called a few times in a four day period. But I am done with contacting him at this point. Ball is totally in his court now and if there is no good excuse for him ignoring my texts/calls in the last few days, I don't think I would even entertain picking up where we left off. I feel it's inconsiderate of my feelings, rude, and immature if there's no valid reason. It would hurt a lot considering where I thought we were, but what can ya do? I have too much self-respect to allow a guy to go MIA for awhile. And if this is his way of telling me goodbye for some odd reason, shame on him.

 

 

You're on the right track. There is no excuse for why he hasn't called or sent you a short message at least letting you know he's OK. For your sake (because you obviously liked this man) I hope the following is not the case but it occurred to me that perhaps when you said you probably wouldn't call if a guy stopped pursuing you that perhaps he was having doubts about the relationship, which he hadn't shared with you, and may have thought great to himself, 'great, that's what I'll do then'. As I say I do hope that's not the case but I'm learning a bit about men lately, and sadly a lot (but by no means alll) are cowards and lack respect for women, especially if they peg the woman as 'kind hearted' and think they will get away with it.

[TheFinalWord]

It is odd, but if he genuinely was going to stay with his family over Thanksgiving, then they would surely have been in touch with anyone that knew him if he hadn't turned up safely.

 

I do agree with the other poster that we often assume the worst. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. But I also agree that there are so many ways to stay in touch these days that he could at least find one way to contact you. It takes what, 10 seconds to send a text? Even if he was busy he can send a quick text. Heck even if you're super busy you can do it sitting on the toilet if you have to! Everyone takes time to use the bathroom, no matter how busy!

 

One thing I know, if a guy is interested he will find a way and time to keep in touch with you. Hope it works out for you!

[Emilia]

I've been seeing this guy for about a month now and things moved very quickly...not so much physically, but emotionally.

 

Sorry but if you haven't had sex after a month and you were not even close, you were only 'friends'. He found someone else

[2sunny]

He's still married or taken. The holiday revealed that he is expected to participate.

 

His interaction with you is when his ties aren't demanding that he be involved...many married men do this.

 

Be realistic. Either way it's rude and unacceptable.

 

I wouldn't take any calls from him.

[DearAbby]

Like someone else mentioned, it takes five seconds to send a text. When a guy is into you, nothing can keep him away. He's not dead or hurt,etc. He's just a jerk. I don't think you should reply if you hear from him again. Nothing good will come out of this.

[in_absentia]

Like someone else mentioned, it takes five seconds to send a text. When a guy is into you, nothing can keep him away. He's not dead or hurt,etc. He's just a jerk. I don't think you should reply if you hear from him again. Nothing good will come out of this.

 

This, a thousand times! If a guy is into you, there are very VERY few things that can keep him away from checking in with you and making sure you're okay, on a more primal level he wants to make sure that you're still interested in him and other guys aren't swooping in when he isn't around.

 

The one time my bf disappeared like that on me when he was in the military (and we were just dating, not exclusive yet) it was because he was locked up in military prison on his base for an occurence that happened. I texted him a couple of times and called him once asking if he was okay, then left it. He said he spent the whole night wishing he wasn't worrying me and frustrated that he couldn't get in touch, but there was really no way (and nobody he was in the military with knew me, either). I'm sorry but it's a major red flag, there are too many ways to communicate these days for this to be anything other than deliberate. Hell, even when really bad things have happened to me like my mum dying I've still been able to fire off a text to people who care about me to let them know why I'm not in touch too much and that I'm ok. I'll be checking back here with interest.

[D-Lish]

In my experience, when a man comes on as strong as your guy has in the beginning, he fizzles out just as fast. I've seen it happen time and time again to others as well.

[wildtrac77]

In my experience, when a man comes on as strong as your guy has in the beginning, he fizzles out just as fast. I've seen it happen time and time again to others as well.

 

What about women... isnt it the same for them?? they come on too fast too quick then get cold feet as well??

[2sunny]

No matter what excuse he has - nothing explains the silence.

 

Better to write him off!

[D-Lish]

What about women... isnt it the same for them?? they come on too fast too quick then get cold feet as well??

 

This isn't a gender specific quality, but OP isn't asking about women- so please refrain from turning this into yet another gender war thread.

 

I also said "I've seen this happen to others as well"... You're assuming I met women only. Had I meant that I'd have said "I've seen this happen to other WOMEN as well.

[refurb]

Sorry but if you haven't had sex after a month and you were not even close, you were only 'friends'. He found someone else

 

Hahaha.... no. Believe it or not, you can actually be quite intimate with someone without having sex.

 

I actually hope everything is OK with the OP's guy. That is really odd. If the guy has slowly been pulling away then stopped communicating, that's one thing, but for it all to end at the drop of a hat is odd.

 

RF

[sweetyboo33]

Good points a lot of you made. I do wholeheartedly disagree with the whole "if you haven't had sex after a month, you were just friends and he found someone else" bit though, I have to say. I know it's rare these days, but I actually don't believe in sex before marriage since I'm a Christian and so is he (no debates on that stuff please). I also don't agree with the point someone made about him being married. He lived in an apartment by himself and I had been there several times...absolutely no sign of married life or another one living there. Complete bachelor pad. Over the last several days, he was just supposed to be visiting with his family that are both from the area and others that flew in for Thanksgiving.

 

I want to mention to Torn-Curtain that you have made some assumptions that aren't quite accurate. We never declared a definite future with each other. We would just playfully flirt about "well, what if you ended up with me? hmmm" kinda stuff and he joked about the "last first kiss" thing. He is very playful and flirty. On a serious note, we had discussed his job and how it might affect a dating and marriage relationship because it's a HUGE factor...both the hours and type of work. People get divorced over it. So, we had discussions about that. So, that was the type of "future" talk. But we were very cute, romantic, and lovey-dovey together nonetheless.

 

I still haven't heard any word from him, even after sending a text asking him to please let me know that he is at least okay even if he doesn't want to continue talking. Silence still. Yes, very bizarre behavior. Even if his phone was lost or broken, he could have gotten in touch, agreed. Even though he was with family, he could have made time to reach out to me. Now his family has left town and still no signs of him returning to normalcy. His job requires secret missions work, which causes him to have to go away a lot, but typically he knows about them in advance. I had originally thought maybe he had to go on a trip unexpectedly. When they are on those trips, they can't have cell or email contact for like 7-10 days. It's also dangerous stuff what he does, so that initially had me thinking about his safety.

 

A few of my friends convinced me to drive by his apartment, so I did that last night just looking for answers of some sort. His truck wasn't there, but a living room light was on..assuming it was left on because I really doubt he was home.

 

Also, I keep looking at his Facebook page to see if there is any activity. I only saw the co-worker post about him not being at work the day after Thanksgiving, which maybe he took off the day to spend with his family and she just didn't know that. There haven't been any other postings on the wall and I'd think if something happened, others might have posted stuff given they knew something. I did notice that his sister who he was supposed to be visiting with over Thanksgiving (she flew up to visit with the entire family) posted a picture of her, him, and their other sister as her main profile picture, which was most likely taken during Thanksgiving break. So, I'm not TOO convinced something happened to him anymore given those facts. It does still seem SO odd that he wasn't acting distant before the silence...I still had a text from him that morning saying "good morning beautiful! hope you have a great day!" and then one later that day about him missing me. And then, bam. Just doesn't make sense to me at all.

 

I wish I had more answers. I'll keep you all updated once I learn more.

[2sunny]

My male friend does a disappearing act on gals when he decides he's digging one over another.

 

He just disappears from gals after heavy pursuit.

 

It happens.

 

Quit checking on him. Even if he shows up - its too hard to act like what he's done is ok... Because he's basically now training you to take this disappearing act as acceptable.

 

Don't stand for it as normal. It's not.

 

And stop making excuses for his bad behavior - he's a dick!

 

Act like he's a total dick. It'll be easier to get over him.

[refurb]

Quit checking on him. Even if he shows up - its too hard to act like what he's done is ok... Because he's basically now training you to take this disappearing act as acceptable.

 

Although training is not the best word, he's not a puppy, but as a guy I wholeheartedly agree.

 

It's a two way street, guy don't like girls they can walk all over either.

 

RF