Pickle110805 Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 I need advice! I am currently going through a divorce and have 2 kids with my ex. We separated in May 2008 and the divorce process was started last year but my ex has been difficult about it all delaying things and then not doing like she said. I have been with my current partner since April 2010 and I adore her. We also have had a baby recently which was not planned but a happy surprise. Basic situation is this. My partner hates my ex and blames me for it. So much so that she keeps wanting to end things between us. They have never met but my ex has said some really nasty stuff about my partner and our baby and apparently I haven't "stuck up for" them enough. This is all incidents that happened at least 6 months ago. At the time I did the things I did because I thought they were the right things at the time. With hindsight I can see how she could feel like she does but she is constantly getting in moods about the past even when I have been nothing but good in the present. When she is in these moods she can be so malicious and spiteful to me in an attempt to hurt me like she claims I have hurt her (and I mean REALLY malicious). I have had a massive go at my ex now about everything and for months she hasn't said a word about my current partner. I have told my partner that I have stood up to her but she doesn't believe me and won't let go of the past, still behaving as if the bad things are recent events. I love her and want us to work but she keeps changing her mind about going to counselling with me because she doesn't believe it will change how she feels. I used to get really hurt about what she said but that is starting to lessen each time. She just seems to run away from her problems all the time and won't actually face them, preferring to blame me for everything. What do I do? Cut my losses and walk away or fight for her like I have been for months?!?
phineas Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 Why the hell would you have a baby with one woman when you are still legally married to another & already have two kids with her? Congratulations on your 3rd child support payment. And this ladies & gentleman is why I will never have any more kids, get married again or put myself in a situation where a woman can hold something over my head such as me sharing a lease or a mortgage. Because you never know when you are going to wind up in a situation like this guy has. Buddy, you are F'd. Your wife is looking to punish you in this divorce & now your GF is looking to punish you. I've been through divorce. What you do doesn't matter because the lawyers are going to be chirping in their ears telling them how much of your money their entitled to. Take this to the divorce section. Their going to tell you to get a lawyer. Listen to them for your own sake. You shouldn't have to "fight" for a woman you just had a baby with over something one woman said about another woman she hasn't even met. also, you talk too much. WAY to much. Had you just kept your mouth shut & ignored what your ex-wife said & not repeated it? well, you'd still probably wind up in this situation because the woman you are with now doesn't sound stable either.
Author Pickle110805 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 I am really not as bad as you probably all think I am by the way. I do everything for her, cook, shop, share the cleaning. I made some mistakes and dealt with things in ways that at the time I genuinely thought were for the best. I never did anything to intentionally hurt her and never would. She has punished me over and over again for the same things and despite me providing a good home for her and our baby and paying for everything myself leaving her to do whatever she wants with the money she gets she doesn't ever see any good that I do. Nothing ever counts and she only ever remembers bad things. And she has not been without fault herself I can assure you but I don't hold that against her
Author Pickle110805 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 I have a solicitor and I am only paying maintenance monthly and I am getting money from her when the divorce is finalised. I didn't plan to have another baby, it was an accident and one that I wouldn't change now. I have talked to her too much and told her too much but she has also heard things herself on the phone during arguments etc with my ex so probably wouldn't have made any difference if I had said anything at all
phineas Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 You are "bad" in the sense that you are letting her walk all over you & treat you like a doormat. I'm only hearing your side of the story so I really don't know how you treat her. however I do know no-one should punish their partner. No-one should be made to feel like they are constantly punished. It's makes for a poor environment to raise a child in. I've been there. My friends have been there. You need to talk to a lawyer because this will not end well for you.
phineas Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 I have a solicitor and I am only paying maintenance monthly and I am getting money from her when the divorce is finalised. I didn't plan to have another baby, it was an accident and one that I wouldn't change now. I have talked to her too much and told her too much but she has also heard things herself on the phone during arguments etc with my ex so probably wouldn't have made any difference if I had said anything at all ok. good. I don't want to sound like a jerk but so many guys just let the woman walk all over them in these situations. also, I never argued with my ex after a certain point. if she started something i'd hang-up & turn my phone off. Once she learned I wasn't going to tolerate that anymore she got a lot more civil.
Author Pickle110805 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 I know I let her walk all over me but my attitude is changing. She was the one that made me see that I couldn't feel guilty about my failed relationship for the rest of my life and now she is the one trying to continue to make me feel guilty about what has happened now. We have both made mistakes but she seems incapable of letting go and wont get any help for it at the moment. I forgive and forget but she just seems incapable of the same
Author Pickle110805 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 And as for how I treat her, I can honestly say I treat her well and have never "treated her badly". I made genuine mistakes that I acknowledged and apologised for because I can see how it might have made her feel AT THE TIME. But all this is in the past and for months I have done all we agreed whereas she seems too scared of commitment because she thinks I am going to end up leaving her
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