sweetpea16 Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 So I have no idea where to start as i have never done this before but i have no clue what to do. So ive tried counseling and i dont believe in the sort but i got desperate hoping Id get an answer and i didnt. Here is what i have so far. My husband and i had started off all messed up in the beggining. I was dating someone at the time and was coming out of an abusive horrible releationship and he was my knight in shining armour. We both worked together so we had to keep it a secret because he was my boss in a way. It was wonderful I loved him so much and i thought this was too good to be true. A month after i had left my ex boyfriend we were together but unofficially (We had no titles we were just together). He was supposed move away to finish school and i was okay with it. It ended up he left without saying goodbye and me finding out another coworker had been sleeping with him and for some reason thought she could confide in me not to tell anyone. Not only was i heartbroken i couldnt tell anyone about this. After about 5 months of me being his friend and forgiving him for what hes done. He decided to move back to town and live with me. Well while he was away i was hanging out with another coworker that had seen me in a wreck and i had confided in him what my situation was. He hated my boyfriends guts. Tyler (my coworker) took me in and was there for me while my boyfriend had did that to me. I finally felt sane after a while. He taught me a lot of things and helped me grow as an individual. Well Brian (my boyfriend) decided to move back to live with me and start over because he loved me so much. Meanwhile Brian had no idea about me and Tyler hanging out. Tyler and i had been intimate only a few times but my heart was with Brian so it was strictly physical. I told Brian about me and Tyler right in the beginning because i wanted honesty and was trying to teach him thats what a relationship is. He ended up hating Tyler and wanted me to cut him off when he did nothing to me at all. So i did. I cut Tyler off. A perfectly good friend that helped me that was there for me when i was hurt and i betrayed him because i was soo in love. I ended up Marrying Brian. Everything was amazing. The only thing we EVER faught about was Tyler. He couldnt get over the fact that we slept together when we werent together. I think its because he felt bad for what HE did and wasnt there for me. He kept things from me and told little white lies throughout our relationship and it was just tiring. I missed my friend and i got defensive when it came to him being jealous. I always stood up for him to my friends when they said hes a bad guy and i tell them hes changed. While i was off defending him he was stabbing my back accusing me of cheating. End of story. I filed for divorce over stupid arguments and im scared that i made a bad choice. Me and Tyler have been together now that Brian has been gone but i find myself missing my husband. I feel like if he would of just gotten over that little thing we would of been perfect. I sit here and look at the bad things over the good and im not sure what weights out the other. Ive only been to one counseling session and they are scheduled way to far apart for me. So i turn to online friends to find out more personal experienced advice. Did i do a wrong thing? I mean i love Tyler and Brian both but i am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Am i all alone on this one?
Power of Love Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I can't sleep and was reading through this forum and I am sorry that counseling did not work for you. It worked wonders for me and my husband. As for your situation, I think that you were unfair to Brian and that is obvious with you having a relationship with Tyler already. If you married Brian, then you should have respected your marriage with him. So many people think divorce is an option but it should not be. People don't know how to fight for anything anymore. We've gotten so comfortable with being able to throw family values out of the window at a whim, that no one even remembers what it's like anymore. Now if Brian has moved on and stopped fighting then he never loved you so I would go with Tyler. However, from the read, Brian has a right to be upset. Because you had previous intimate encounters with Tyler, you should have moved past that. Look through the forums and you will see that usually a guy/girl that comes into a marriage life and becomes close is very, very dangerous. I feel sorry for Brian because like I said, my husband and I worked through it after being seperated for about 2 years. We kept in touch and starting remembering what made us fall in love. Tyler was there for you but you chose Brian and Brian should have been the priority. Again, it comes down to who is important to you. With you and Tyler together, it seems to me that Brian wasn't that important and Tyler got what he wanted. You also stated that you had no title and that you weren't together officially so although wrong and hurtful, you can not hold that against him. I wish you the best. There are a lot of people here and I hope we can help you through this dilemma but ultimately it is your choice. You have to commit to a decision and I'm not making it for you but I think from my post you can tell that I am for working things out between you and your husband because in the end, and trust me on this after 12 years of marriage (we got married when we were 18), it is so much stronger and my husband has become more open and loving.
PreciousPanda Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Wow, obviously no one ever told you that marriage was hard work. You married this Brian and you forgave him but you went back to this other guy that happened to be there for you when the chips are down. I don't understand if you cut Tyler out of your life, why did you bring him back into it? I'm thinking this relationship you have with Tyler will not last but I hope it will for your sake. I agree with Power. It seems like you never really cared for Brian otherwise you would not have ran to Tyler so quickly. Basically you ended up devoting more time to Tyler than to your own husband and the proof is in the pudding when you said, "I feel like if he would of just gotten over that little thing we would of been perfect". You brought someone that you had a physical connection with into a marriage and to me...that is not commitment. Here's an excerpt from Dr. Dillner, Psychologists have tried to measure styles of loving using such devices as the Love Attitude Scale. At the heart of these, aside from passion and intensity, are friendship, dependency, altruism and commitment. Is it possible to be altruistic and committed to two men? The Passionate Love Scale - where love is defined as an intense longing to be with someone - asks how preoccupied you are thinking about them, and how much you want to please and be with them. It has equal amounts of pain and pleasure. But no scales can package love as a block of measurable science. What psychologists do say is that you're unlikely to be in love with two people who are similar at the same time. Some also say that healthy people are satisfied in a relationship with one person, and only narcissists and people with dysfunctional emotional lives think they can be in love with two people at the same time. Based on expert opinion (with no numbers), your existing relationship is likely to win out because there's more invested in it. Stop seeing this new man and improve the relationship with your old one. My 2 cents. I know I'm young, 21 to be exact but at least I understand more about marriage than you.
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