Why I Cheated

[ThinkBelieve]

 

How much time do you two spend getting connected (alone time) and staying connected to each other?

 

I appreciate your responses.

 

Not very much, I realize we need to work on that.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

This has gone on for 6 years.... Probably too late, but as I suggested to Mr_Confused one last attempt and only with counseling is there any hope.

[ThinkBelieve]

I think when you dig deep, you'll realize the cause and effect issues are largely meaningless - you are where you are - "why" is somewhat important, but you'll find your energy better invested assessing "what" you are going to do about it. Bottom line your relationship stinks and you aren't going to be able to accept it - so fix it or leave. Accepting it or having another affair will only temporarily provide relief - AT BEST.

 

I'd suggest investing in fixing it given it would be best for you child and financially.

 

You can only control yourself. First critical question is to determine your desire to love your husband as a wife should. Are you doing what you can and should to engage him emotionally and physically?

 

If you can't find it within yourself to want him any more or put forth the effort to rebuild intimacy - in my opinion - you are just wasting time - it is over.

 

Second - does her clearly understand your needs and what you will do if they are not met? If so does he care?

 

If not - again, I think you are done.

 

If however you are willing to truly reinvest in him, have reasonable expectations about how long it will take, and he equally cares and is committed I don't think there are any limits to what you could accomplish. You could make this marriage what you both had always hoped.

 

I suggest a candid conversation about the state of the marriage and an assessment of if it can be fixed.

 

Good luck.

 

Mr_Confused, I truly and wholeheartedly 100% agree with your assessment. You could not be any more correct. Especially with regard to the "why" and "what"...."action" versus "reaction" in moving forward to improve everyones' lives for the best overall outcome.

 

I certainly agree with you, the only true way to happiness is following one of these paths. Neither path is easy and there will be challenges along the way.

 

I realize there are only two proactive constructive options:

 

1. Fix it

2. Get out

 

Because of my family and professional commitments and responsibilities, I will have to do whatever I can do possible for option #1.

 

It takes a lifetime to build a reputation, but it takes only one moment to destroy it.

 

Accepting this truism as fact, I will have to keep my affair 100% discrete. I can predict with 100% accuracy I will not have another one.

 

It was a one time affair with a beautiful, "perfect" man who made me feel desired and loved. No one else like him exists.

 

For my family's sake, I will read books and find material that will guide me to success in that direction to re-connect with my husband. I can actively discuss MC and IC to my husband. I need to re-dedicate and re-focus on family/children. I should be able to hopefully find contentment in that.

 

Any other course of action is not a solution, it is a problem.

 

I greatly do appreciate your input, perspectives, insight, and sharing your experience(s).

 

I have read all of your posts, and, I must admit, I found them very insightful, thought-provoking, and quite-tremendously emotional. And very well-written.

 

I most sincerely hope everything works out for YOU the way you would find to be the absolute most the positive and "HAPPY". You most certainly deserve that, above all else.

 

 

I truly wish you and everyone here the absolute very best in life. Best of luck to everyone.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yes, we have been nearly sexless for nearly six years. I am very uncomfortable with that and that is why I have come here for advise and perspective (and vent). I can't go on without sexual intimacy, unless I have to.

My H is not gay, I know that with certainty. He did see a doctor regarding his issues, they couldn't find anything physically wrong with him.

 

You are 100% correct, if there is no desire, there is no point. I suppose that is where I am with my husband.

 

I agree with Mr. Confused.... Fix It or Leave It. Martyrdom isn't acceptable.

 

Your affair is not worth discussing, because the problem is your marriage. There is a chance your Husband feels emasculated by you... I mean there is something that is killing his desire.

 

Was there a time when the sex was really good with him? If so, what changed?

[ThinkBelieve]

This has gone on for 6 years.... Probably too late, but as I suggested to Mr_Confused one last attempt and only with counseling is there any hope.

 

Toodamnpragmatic,

 

Thank you so much for your responses. I appreciate your logic and perspective.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Toodamnpragmatic,

 

Thank you so much for your responses. I appreciate your logic and perspective.

 

I appreciate you have taken my posts to heart and not as a personal attack. It pains me to read what you have gone through and the self flagellation that you subjected yourself to, when it is your spouse to blame.

 

I too 100% agree you tell him nothing about the OM, but I am concerned that you have placed this OM on a pedestal.

 

Best of luck.

[ThinkBelieve]

 

I too 100% agree you tell him nothing about the OM, but I am concerned that you have placed this OM on a pedestal.

 

Best of luck.

 

TRUST me, this man deserves the pedestal.

[manup]

I think this woman is just looking for the answers she wants to hear and twisting everything in a way to victimize herself and make not telling her husband the only option. First divorce would kill her kid and now it's an option?

[MusicMan1234]

ThinkBelieve,

 

Do you seriously think that you're the victim here? Seriously? One thing cheaters all have in common is their eagerness to go outside the marriage instead of, I dunno, communication. Did you at any point talk to your husband about your concerns? Don't you think he want's to have sex too? Maybe he doesn't initiate because he think you don't want to?

 

Of course you didn't, because you didn't want to hurt his feelings. So you cheated on him instead. How pathetic.

 

Look, have you gone to a doctor about his problem? Maybe the problem is psychological, ie. he feels so much pressure to perform that he cannot, or maybe it's something from his childhood. All i'm saying is deal with this problem because living in a sexless marriage is ridiculous and you're just going to end up harbouring resentment towards him, which you sound like you already are.

 

Anyway, reading your posts made my skin crawl, you don't seem to realise that you've done the most morally corrupt thing a person can do to another person. All because you were too cowardly to COMMUNICATE with your husband in order to come up with a creative solution to his little problem. Or maybe the problem is coming from you, with this sort of thing it's hard to say. Pun unintendend.

 

As for your OM, I best the other 7 women he's screwing feel the same way about him.

[manup]

Maybe, or they could just care a lot about their image and career.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

They will not forgive or understand an affair. You stated in the OP how you felt and frankly I actually don't have an issue with it and that is taking the thread off track in any case. Some people just love to do that on LS, and that is their modus operandi.

 

I will agree that there are some questions I too have with your story and your posts. I have stated that doubling the salary raises ridiculous red flags and the idea that a divorce would be career suicide. That is bunk and you know it (unless in a church role).

 

Also as stated your comments concerning the OM is troubling, as not even I deserve to be put on a pedestal and am that perfect.....

Edited November 28, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Ballerfamily]

TRUST me, this man deserves the pedestal.

 

how do you put an individual who cheats on their spouse on a pedestal...It seems like you dont think you should be on a pedestal....he may be awesome, impeccable, great man, etc...but his character,integrity is missing a few key components..Its always amazing how great people are, till your around them enough to maybe someday they piss ya off a little..thats why affairs arent real, and should not be allowed any significance in ones life..there is no foundation, or any great characteristics that go with that... your former boss, hits on you...he hit on others...but you think he is great....

 

your assessment of good men leaves alot to be desired...could possibly explain why your husband is who he is...

 

I would also say most likely your former boss has great respect for you, in that case you deserved it....but your affair partner prolly doesnt quite feel the same way..in the end, men do not hold woman in high regard who will cheat with them..we are different creatures, for sure...

 

you seem to be well grounded, which scarily reveals to me how woman(especially) are easily scooped up by OM's when vulnerable..the knight in shining armour....we all suck to some extent........COMMUNICATE...GIVE YOUR HUSBAND YOUR DEMANDS , AND AN OPTION....if he doesnt change, leave his a----...he deserves it then

Edited November 28, 2011 by Ballerfamily

[Steadfast]

They will not forgive or understand an affair.

 

Typical cheater rhetoric, including symptoms of a perceived higher intelligence, understanding, 'wide brush' painting and high brow liberalism. Do you really expect anyone to ignore other posters at your behest?

 

ThinkBelieve, you are guilty of the same poor judgement as our friend Mr_Confused; you made your personal problems worse by adding more problems. It is common, it is even understandable, but does that justify it? IMO, it does not. Everyone is entitled to the God given right of freewill, but that does not lift the responsibilities or the consequences of our actions.

 

Or reactions.

 

You will work your way through this TB; and while you ponder which path to take, ask yourself where the decisions you make will leave you, and your family, long term. Can any marriage relationship reach its full potential with lies and deception mixed into its foundation? Can it survive with a dictator husband? A bitter, withdrawn wife? Respect breeds respect. Trust breeds the same. Respect and honor are earned, not gained.

 

Ask your husband if he loves you. Ask him again. Then tell him the truth. Worse case? You split, but that is better than a slow, lingering, loveless life. Or death. Perhaps, he'll be willing to listen and talk. Be strong! Start now.

[nofool4u]

Thank you for reading this. I suppose I need to get this off my chest. I may just vent and run. I can't promise I will stick around for the responses.

 

We won't be surprised

 

 

What I did was WRONG.

 

Ah the disclaimer. We love 'em.

 

 

I've been married around fifteen years. I had been faithful to the point of not even glancing in another man's direction beforehand. However, although I have always strived to maintain a positive attitude in any situation, I was becoming quite unhappy.

 

I am a woman who is nearly sexless going on nearly six years. We attempted to remedy my husband's issues with vitamins, natural supplements, exercise. We resorted to Viagra, and he is only in his 30s. I am not unattractive, I am thin, exercise regularly, take good care of myself, I even used to win beauty pageants in my youth.

 

So basically your husband can't have sex through no fault of his own then.

 

 

I am a hard-working Mom. I had worked my way up to the top echelon in a professional organization where I work which has several offices. I had absolutely loved my job, it was very fulfilling and satisfying and I loved that it involved helping people. It was challenging, rewarding, exciting, and the people I worked with were top-notch. There was also a lot of community and charity work there. It was my dream job. I worked there for fifteen years.

 

 

And all of this is relevant how? Are you just bragging? Patting yourself on the back? What does all of that have to do with the fact you cheated on your husband who apparently has a condition he is dealing with?

 

 

I was second in command, only the group founder/CEO was above me. The group founder is a kind and generous family man, though he is a multi-millionaire with a beyond gorgeous "trophy wife".

 

Well then I imagine it looked like quite an accomplishment to one up that gorgeous trophy wife. Otherwise, whats the relevance in declaring that?

 

 

I told my H about this and he was outraged. He forbade me to work there.

 

We fought every day about my job. I assured him it was okay

 

 

, the founder was only there monthly so it's not like I even saw him much. I pretty much ran things for him. My H, unilaterally decided we would move far away for one of his many business endeavors. More so, to force me leave the job I adored and worked hard to achieve. I also had a large circle of friends and neighbors who were like family to me. My H was going with or without me. And he left without looking back.

 

My husband had many ideas which I financially and emotionally supported. I really tried to be a good wife and make him happy. I encouraged him to go back to college and finish his degree because I could support us. I told him whatever he wanted to do, I would support him. I never gave him any distress about his sexual issues. I didn't want him to feel bad. So we just didn't have sex.

 

Oh, but before you said he had a problem which you tried to fix through meds and supplements..??

 

So now you aren't having sex because you don't want him to feel bad.

 

 

Now, I didn't go running looking for an affair.

 

Whether you looked for one or not is irrelevant.

 

 

I just suppressed my physical needs. When I was doing some research about something, I began communicating with a gorgeous man. He was so attractive, kind, intelligent, and charming that I began to feel desire again. I had, for countless years, put my feelings of physical desire away. I forgot that they even existed. Sure, I got hit on, but I didn't feel attracted to anyone. Not in a very long time. To me, this gorgeous man seemed "perfect". I still don't know even to this very day if it was "love at first sight".

 

Yet, you didn't go looking for it you said. I call bunk on that.

But like I said, its irrelevant.

 

 

I didn't think of the repercussions of my behavior. I was being selfish. I heard from someone recently he is contemplating divorce and now I cry about it daily because I never intended to be a "home-wrecker". I feel absolutely DREADFUL for him and his family. I do hope that he finds happiness with his family and can perhaps work it out.

 

Funny how you feel bad for him and his family, but don't reserve the same for your H.

 

Now, if I tell my husband, or if my husband finds out somehow, he will undoubtedly divorce me.

 

So basically the alternative is to keep him in the dark so he won't make a better choice for his life?

 

 

No MC, IC, will change that. I will have to pay support for him, but that is okay. It is only money. I don't care about money. Even so, I don't believe I truly love my husband anymore.

 

So then tell him and let him divorce you.

 

 

I stopped desiring him years ago. Perhaps he doesn't love me anymore either. Why did he make me take a job I don't like?

 

He didn't make you do anything. You are a grown woman. If you didn't desire him, don't love him, you could have saved him time off his life and filed for divorce long ago.

 

 

Why did he not care about my fulfillment?

 

Uh, because you were at a job where the boss made advances towards you. Did I really have to explain that?

 

 

Why does he not consider my feelings or his children's? He does love our children. I do have to credit him for being a good Dad. Many times he was a SAHD while I was working over-time. But it is no justification. There is no justification.

 

Correct, there is no justification for you cheating.

 

 

So I do not plan to tell him, at least until my son reaches the age of 18.

 

Well, other than the fact you are robbing your H of years off his life, when he could be rebuilding his life sooner rather than later, at least he'll get more of your retirement if you wait.

 

 

I don't want a divorce because of my son. My son is everything to me. He is very observant and has even stated to me, "If you and Dad get divorced I will be affected for the rest of my life."

 

So your H, because of this, gets to be lied to, manipulated, abused, and years of his life that he won't get back will be wasted?

 

Your son will be fine. You think he'll be ok with it when he is 18?

 

Additionally, divorce is a death sentence to my profession and my reputation.

 

Unless you are a priest, thats a crock.

 

I have accepted being sexless for the sake of my son and my profession.

 

So now you see yourself as a martyr?

 

I know many here like to say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Never again, I have lived and learned.

 

I do sincerely wish everyone here love and success.

 

I don't think you do. I think you came to this forum, rather than posting in the OM/OW section, to drop a story and run.

 

Why did you feel the need to vent to a bunch of people that have been screwed over as your husband has?

[nofool4u]

They will not forgive or understand an affair.

 

Whats to understand?

 

Besides, I think alot of people here, if she came here to tell a story of how she wants to do right by her H would treat her with kid gloves.

 

But she didn't. She came to this forum and dropped a story of "woe is me" and how her husband didn't consider her wanting to fulfill herself at a job where the boss came on to her. She came to this forum and tried to martyr herself.

 

Big difference there. She is getting the responses she hoped for. Otherwise she could have told this story in another section of this site.

[nofool4u]

TRUST me, this man deserves the pedestal.

 

Then divorce your husband. Give him the respect of not wasting any more of his years only to drop the bomb later when he can't get those years back.

[nofool4u]

I think this woman is just looking for the answers she wants to hear and twisting everything in a way to victimize herself and make not telling her husband the only option.

 

Spot on. Deserved a bump

[Mr_Confused]

TB - you have walked into the lion's den. This board is full of betrayed spouses that have been through a terrible experience and are rightfully angry as hell about it.

 

Affairs are never right, mine included...but I am empathetic to the extent I know the pain and consequences of a sexless marriage. As previously noted, I don't think it is an issue as a result of ED. Sex, more importantly intimacy, is not achieved or viable solely because a person can or cannot achieve an erection. Long story short, if you have a healthy loving relationship you can have intimacy, fulfilling intimacy, regardless of whether or not he has ED.

 

It is pointless to debate the merits of your affair or the quality of your OM. It is what it is, he may be ok, you may be in a fog, it's immaterial in the context of what matters which is the state of your marriage.

 

I'll suggest again you visit experienceproject-dot-com and read stories and experiences form others in a sexless marriage. Cause aside, it's a cancer to your marriage. NO MARRIAGE can survive without intimacy, nobody can remain both married and faithful under these circumstance unless it is a mutual decision. Nobody here can identify with this issue any more than you can you/I can relate to their sentiments as a betrayed spouse. You'll find people there, with the same problem, and a variety of ways they are addressing it. We can debate the merits of your actions all day long, but it's history at this point and cannot be rewritten. You and/or your husband are destined to continue to experience pain, neither deserves, while you cannot connect in an intimate way with one another.

 

Google Maslow's Hierachy of Needs for a brief refresher on psychology 101 - intimacy is right above food/shelter/clothing in terms of basic human needs. Your actions may be offensive to many/most, but your needs are only that of a healthy human. I cannot question the perspective of a betrayed spouse, nor can someone that hasn't gone 2,3,4,5+ years without intimacy tell you precisely how they'd respond to choosing between living that way indefinitely and jeopardizing the well-being of their child. It's not a good place to be - so fix it if you can - and learn from your past experiences.

 

I know you are being challenged on a lot of the content of your posts. I don't know why it matters. Your actions, right or wrong, have no relevance, they are not the cause of your problems - it's how you reacted to them - and if you don't focus on the cause, I don't see you solving anything. Good luck.

Edited November 28, 2011 by Mr_Confused

[ThinkBelieve]

Thank you for the constructive advise on this thread. Best of luck to everyone.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I sense you have got all the advise you need and did share a great deal with us. However like many threads on LS particularly concerning infidelity, it has turned to a personal assault and I apologize. While I too had questions, and I do agree some things did give me pause, I do believe your sincerity and the pain you feel and what are not simple answers.

 

I hope the best for you.

[nofool4u]

Thank you for the constructive advise on this thread. Best of luck to everyone.

 

Best of luck to your husband