Why I Cheated

[ThinkBelieve]

Thank you for reading this. I suppose I need to get this off my chest. I may just vent and run. I can't promise I will stick around for the responses.

 

What I did was WRONG.

 

I've been married around fifteen years. I had been faithful to the point of not even glancing in another man's direction beforehand. However, although I have always strived to maintain a positive attitude in any situation, I was becoming quite unhappy.

 

I am a woman who is nearly sexless going on nearly six years. We attempted to remedy my husband's issues with vitamins, natural supplements, exercise. We resorted to Viagra, and he is only in his 30s. I am not unattractive, I am thin, exercise regularly, take good care of myself, I even used to win beauty pageants in my youth.

 

I am a hard-working Mom. I had worked my way up to the top echelon in a professional organization where I work which has several offices. I had absolutely loved my job, it was very fulfilling and satisfying and I loved that it involved helping people. It was challenging, rewarding, exciting, and the people I worked with were top-notch. There was also a lot of community and charity work there. It was my dream job. I worked there for fifteen years.

 

I was second in command, only the group founder/CEO was above me. The group founder is a kind and generous family man, though he is a multi-millionaire with a beyond gorgeous "trophy wife".

 

It happened one time three years ago, I was meeting with the founder about the one of the several offices I was running. He made an advance towards me which I promptly corrected. I think he was as surprised and horrified about his behavior as myself because he immediately turned HIMSELF into HR. My already six-figure salary was doubled overnight. I told him it was not ethical to double my salary based upon his misbehavior and mistake. I told him several times I was satisfied with my relationships at my workplace and I wouldn't accept the pay. He insisted I keep the pay because he felt I deserved it for my hard work and he had remained a good saint ever since.

 

I told my H about this and he was outraged. He forbade me to work there.

 

We fought every day about my job. I assured him it was okay, the founder was only there monthly so it's not like I even saw him much. I pretty much ran things for him. My H, unilaterally decided we would move far away for one of his many business endeavors. More so, to force me leave the job I adored and worked hard to achieve. I also had a large circle of friends and neighbors who were like family to me. My H was going with or without me. And he left without looking back.

 

My husband had many ideas which I financially and emotionally supported. I really tried to be a good wife and make him happy. I encouraged him to go back to college and finish his degree because I could support us. I told him whatever he wanted to do, I would support him. I never gave him any distress about his sexual issues. I didn't want him to feel bad. So we just didn't have sex.

 

His endeavor fell through. During this move away, my oldest son became clinically depressed. My oldest son is in a gifted program, has a 155 IQ, is a "thinker", almost to the point of being OCD, over-analyzing, sensitive, and conscientious, he plays football, he wants to grow up to be a mechanical engineer. It was heart-breaking, he cried every day for nearly four hours, EVERY day for seven months. He is very sensitive and doesn't like change. It excruciatingly hurt me to see him suffer and I vowed I would never hurt him again. After months of my insistent pleading, we moved back. My H forbade me to take my old position back even though I could be immediately reinstated. Thankfully, I found something with the equal pay because of my impeccable reputation. But it is unfullfilling work really. But my H insists that I work there. I try to please my husband but it often has been without success. I even let my husband make most of the decisions because he is the "man" and he seems to get some satisfaction from that.

 

Now, I didn't go running looking for an affair. I just suppressed my physical needs. When I was doing some research about something, I began communicating with a gorgeous man. He was so attractive, kind, intelligent, and charming that I began to feel desire again. I had, for countless years, put my feelings of physical desire away. I forgot that they even existed. Sure, I got hit on, but I didn't feel attracted to anyone. Not in a very long time. To me, this gorgeous man seemed "perfect". I still don't know even to this very day if it was "love at first sight". Maybe I just liked being in the presence of someone so beautiful. I really don't know if it was lust/infatuation/love/admiration/fog. I just knew I liked to see him and I found myself thinking about him continuously. The affair did end.

 

I didn't think of the repercussions of my behavior. I was being selfish. I heard from someone recently he is contemplating divorce and now I cry about it daily because I never intended to be a "home-wrecker". I feel absolutely DREADFUL for him and his family. I do hope that he finds happiness with his family and can perhaps work it out.

 

Now, if I tell my husband, or if my husband finds out somehow, he will undoubtedly divorce me. No MC, IC, will change that. I will have to pay support for him, but that is okay. It is only money. I don't care about money. Even so, I don't believe I truly love my husband anymore. I stopped desiring him years ago. Perhaps he doesn't love me anymore either. Why did he make me take a job I don't like? Why did he not care about my fulfillment? Why does he not consider my feelings or his children's? He does love our children. I do have to credit him for being a good Dad. Many times he was a SAHD while I was working over-time. But it is no justification. There is no justification.

 

So I do not plan to tell him, at least until my son reaches the age of 18. I don't want a divorce because of my son. My son is everything to me. He is very observant and has even stated to me, "If you and Dad get divorced I will be affected for the rest of my life." Additionally, divorce is a death sentence to my profession and my reputation.

 

I have accepted being sexless for the sake of my son and my profession.

 

I don't even want my husband anymore anyways.

 

I know it is "right" to tell my H about the affair but I just can't do it. I will just live with the guilt the best I can.

 

I know many here like to say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Never again, I have lived and learned.

 

I do sincerely wish everyone here love and success.

Edited November 26, 2011 by ThinkBelieve

[findingnemo]

Hi ThinkBelieve,

 

What a sad situation to be in. How old is your son? How many years will you stay sexless and from what I read between the lines loveless as well? You're in a job you don't like, with a H you don't want physically any more and have a son whose emotionally fragile but has also managed to give you an ultimatum of sorts.

 

So you had an A. I can tell you that if you plan to let things stay the way they are for a few more years, you'll probably have another one. I won't justify your A but I will acknowledge that it was a coping mechanism for you. It's never a good solution as you know based on the outcome but if you don't make changes, you'll end up with half-a$$ed solutions and get into more trouble.

 

IMO, there is no reason why you aren't getting a divorce. Your son is emotional but needs a mum who is strong enough to support him. If you're unhappy, how do you expect to help him find some happiness? If you were to find out that a D won't harm your son as much as you think, would you get one? Is your son the sole thing that's keeping you yoked to your M?

 

About telling your H about the A, it may be the right thing to do if you want to work on your M. Can it be improved? Can your H finally get a miracle cure for his sexual issues as well as his selfish attitude? Those things may not change and instead you'll have a warlike family atmosphere that will inevitably harm your son. You did say that D would be almost certain if you told him, right? You are fighting a losing battle here unless you initiate the D, don't mention the A and try to make your son as comfortable as possible.

[Mr_Confused]

Oh,it's all too familiar, you can read my stories/posts - essentially the same although I refuse to quit my affair, I refuse to live a sexless life.

 

I've stayed for my child as well. It doesn't help.

 

For the sake of brevity I won't recount what you can read in my posts, but I will say I bet if you look deep you will find that sex is not all that is missing. Often in sexless marriages we get fixated on the "result" that is absent - sex. Usually upon closer inspection what we find is that it is other forms of intimacy that is gone - anything from exploring each other's bodies, to touching, kissing, cuddling....all the way to having closeness and emotional trust- being willing to discuss you feelings, expose your vulnerabilities, discuss your hopes, dreams, and ambitions. Eventually is erodes the bond that keeps you loyal, faithful, and loving towards your spouse.

 

You can stay married, I have, for reasons other than the relationship with your spouse. Being legally married may seem to help a child, be financially beneficial, and maintain social acceptance - but it's a charade...minimally a facade. A marriage to the outside world is determined by your legal status, but between the two of you it is defined you the quality of your relationship and the adherence to vows - loving and cherishing, forsaking all others, etc..

 

You problem isn't his ability to get an erection. There are countless other ways he could physically satisfy you.

 

It always comes down to the following options:

1. Fix it

2. Accept it

3. Leave

4. And the all unpopular - augment elsewhere while picking 1-3

 

Guess you are take door #2. My prediction, based solely on my experience, you will never be happy. #1 and #3 are the only paths to fulfillment. Best of luck.

[Carm]

Why is that anybody who cheats on their SO feels they can justify their behaviour??

[sadcalifornian]

Have you stopped the A?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

While a sad story, sorry do I believe she's a beauty queen, Top Executive, salary doubled after sexual harrassment, Genius Son (155 IQ), sexless husband who really is not all that successful, but forces family to move???? Can anyone have a sadder story, while outwardly seeming to have it all?

 

If everything is true, all I can say is grow a backbone and dump this loser and get into deep therapy with you and your son.

[Bryanp]

If anyone that needs to get a divorce it is you. Viagra was the original pill that came out on the market but it has been greatly surpassed by Cialis which is much more effective. See if you can get your husband to try it. I wish you luck.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

If anyone that needs to get a divorce it is you. Viagra was the original pill that came out on the market but it has been greatly surpassed by Cialis which is much more effective. See if you can get your husband to try it. I wish you luck.

 

Only works if there is a desire. Face facts, your H in all likelihood has no desire to have sex. For someone so smart howabout addressing that through IC & MC.... and most important Family & IC for your son if he is as emotionally troubled as you've indicated.

[oldshirt]

Very sad story.

 

IMHO you are simply existing and marking time. You are going to work to bring home $ to pay the bills, but you have no passion or investment in your work otherwise.

 

You are married on paper but not in your heart or in your loins. You are staying married to avoid the uglyness of divorce.

 

You say you are doing it for your son but once he is 18 he no longer has the right to emotionally blackmail you.

 

You had the affair because you felt alive and human again. You felt what it was like to be noticed and appreciated. You felt comfort in being held, in having someone look you in the eye and talk to you. You felt the touch of skin on skin. And I'm assuming you had an orgasm or two and those are pretty nice too. In essence you were alive and living again and were living for yourself and for someone that wanted to be with you and not just because you were a means to an end for them......or maybe you were if he is just a cheating guy getting some @$$ but at least he probably appreciated and enjoyed that @$$ - that's more than you are getting at home afterall.

 

 

In the end, this is nothing about your husband, nothing about your son and nothing about some @$$hole corporate bigshot that likes to hit on chicks and then pay them off to buy their silence. This is about you living an unfullfilling, unsatisfactory, hollow life and letting other people dictate to you and push you around.

 

Yeah you may be smart and may be a good worker and a good corporate player and may draw a nice paycheck because of those skills, but you are living your life for other people and letting them call the shots and then being bitter and resentfull about it after the fact.

 

Smoking the other guy's pole was the one thing you have done for yourself and for your own enjoyment in years. Maybe in many ways it was wrong but it was at least an act you did for yourself and that you got some joy, excitement and pleasure from.

 

Your divorce and loss of your home and current life are inevitable, or at least I hope they are inevitable. I hope one day you do wake up and decide to live your life for you and not everyone else that wants to suckle from your teet and push you around by your emotions.

 

Maybe your company will give you boot if you divorce. I can't imagine that really happening though, I think that is just another form of emotional blackmail that you have bought yourself into. Why should your company give a rat's @$$ what your maritial status is.

 

I see your options for a healthy, happy life is this - either grow some balls and tell your husband what he needs to do in order to man-up and keep you as his gravy train, a part of that is to engage you and seduce you and throw your legs over his shoulders and slam it to you and fill you full of man-juice on at least a weekly or biweekly basis.

 

Or pack your stuff and move on with your life and live a life of fulfillment even if it means working a regular 9-5 job and finding a normal Joe Six-Pack that can at least make you feel like an important desirable woman in his life.

 

Right now you are just breathing and trying to keep breathing from one day to the next.

 

PS I may sound like an Ahole but I am actually on your side and advocating for you and your own wellbeing. I'm not slamming you or trying to put you down, just trying to get you to wake up and realise you are not living a full life for yourself.

[ThinkBelieve]

Thank you so much for your responses.

 

I am not a troll.

 

This story is actually, unless I've committed a unknown typo, true.

 

My husband thought he had a genius business idea, that is why we moved.

It was more to move me away from my job. I didn't like to bring up yes, the sexual harrassment issue. I have great respect for my former employer. This was completely out of character for him.

 

As far as being a former beauty queen, I was. I am intelligent enough to know that beauty can fade over time and that is why I worked hard to get where I am (was).

 

I should have added, we did also try cialis.

 

Thank you again for ALL responses.

Edited November 26, 2011 by ThinkBelieve

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Thank you so much for your responses.

 

I am not a troll.

 

This story is actually, unless I've committed a unknown typo, true.

 

My husband thought he had a genius business idea, that is why we moved.

It was more to move me away from my job. I didn't like to bring up yes, the sexual harrassment issue. I have great respect for my former employer. This was completely out of character for him.

 

As far as being a former beauty queen, I was. I am intelligent enough to know that beauty can fade over time and that is why I worked hard to get where I am (was).

 

I should have added, we did also try cialis.

 

Thank you again for ALL responses.

 

As smart as you claim you are, you have made nothing but dumb decisions. Is your husband gay (my go to about any male who does not sexually desire a gorgeous wife)?

 

Doubling your salary (and only seeing him monthly to boot)? Sorry that too is a redflag and if you talked to a lawyer should have ensured a multimillion dollar settlement.

 

But if all you've written is true, as said, get good counseling for you and your son, a good lawyer to protect your assets and dump his ass.....

Edited November 26, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you so much for your responses.

I am not a troll.

This story is actually, unless I've committed a unknown typo, true.

My husband thought he had a genius business idea, that is why we moved.

It was more to move me away from my job. I didn't like to bring up yes, the sexual harrassment issue. I have great respect for my former employer. This was completely out of character for him.

As far as being a former beauty queen, I was. I am intelligent enough to know that beauty can fade over time and that is why I worked hard to get where I am (was).

I should have added, we did also try cialis.

Thank you again for ALL responses.

 

Your situation is really sad.

 

You resent your husband for so much stuff... that is why you don't want him anymore.

 

You need to step up and begin taking more responsibility for this situation. Your husband didn't make a crappy marriage by himself. His erectile dysfunction is more than likely just as psychological as it is physical. He probably is just as unhappy as you.

 

Basically your plan is Status Quo... which helps nobody. If you really care about your son, then fix your marriage. Otherwise the poor boy is going to grow up thinking marriage sucks. He will pattern his future relationships based on your marriage. Do you think money will make him happy if his relationships suck?

 

Basically you have options in front of you... but your too scared to make a move. Clearly you understand that cheating just makes this crap worse... so now what?

[ThinkBelieve]

Thank you kindly for your responses. When I get more of a time opportunity, I will respond to your questions more specifically.

[Mr_Confused]

ThinkBelieve -

 

Don't let the detractors get to you. As a fellow person in an affair, you are in the lion's den so to speak. Many people here have been betrayed by spouses they love and are understandably adamant about the hurt an affair can cause. Few of them I suspect live in a sexless marriage an understand the impact it has on a person's esteem over time, your vulnerability, and the emptiness of a life absent of intimacy.

 

I did not read your post as a justification of an affair - I don't think it can be justified. I read it as an explanation of the circumstances that led to a decision to enter an affair. There is a difference.

 

Your education, looks, and income has no bearing on your ability to make correct decisions under such circumstances or will make him want to provide you with intimacy. I am in my mid 40's, make a salary I never imagined possible, and am in the best shape of my life. It has nothing to do with you. Most people are fortunate enough to never live in a marriage with such issues. Most people have sex regularly, even when they are facing life's toughest challenges. We never had sex even during the best of times when we arguably had the things most people have always dreamed - we are healthy, fit, wealthy, great jobs, happy family, good friends, wonderful vacations, etc.. None of it matters. Your husbands ED is not a show stopper, he could gratify you in countless other ways if he so desired. If he genuinely loved you he would exhaust any way to assure you are content, feel loved, and happy.

 

I don't want to promote another site but suggest visiting experienceproject-dot-com as it have an entire area dedicated to people in sexless marriages, literally 1000+ people who have shared their stories. It's a challenge and issue unlike others in how it impacts the refused spouse. I'd encourage you to spend some time there, and other sites. That is how I ended up here. I also spent time on survivinginfidelity-dot-com to understand how betrayed spouses feel. It was eye opening, their hurt compared to my wife's indifference was enlightening.

 

What you will find is shreds of insight from various sources that will help you gain perspective on your life, your marriage, and options to find happiness. What you will also, quite unfortunately find, is that sexless marriages rarely return to a healthy state.

 

I've gone form denial, to "damn it I can fix this", to melt down, ultimatums, passionless participatory empty sex with my spouse, to an affair, d-day, therapy, etc. Hopefully you can find something I have shared can get you through this more expediently than I have thus far.

 

I don't at all like your "suck it up till my kid grows up" approach. I wasted many years with that approach and it's no easier now with a teenager than it was then. It's not a solution, you aren't martyr for your family, you are a person and you deserve to be loved without being forced to chose between a loveless marriage or an affair.

 

Take it from someone that exhausted every other avenue - FIX IT or LEAVE.

 

Sorry to ramble.

 

Best of luck.

[ThinkBelieve]

Hi ThinkBelieve,

 

What a sad situation to be in. How old is your son? How many years will you stay sexless and from what I read between the lines loveless as well? You're in a job you don't like, with a H you don't want physically any more and have a son whose emotionally fragile but has also managed to give you an ultimatum of sorts.

 

So you had an A. I can tell you that if you plan to let things stay the way they are for a few more years, you'll probably have another one. I won't justify your A but I will acknowledge that it was a coping mechanism for you. It's never a good solution as you know based on the outcome but if you don't make changes, you'll end up with half-a$$ed solutions and get into more trouble.

 

IMO, there is no reason why you aren't getting a divorce. Your son is emotional but needs a mum who is strong enough to support him. If you're unhappy, how do you expect to help him find some happiness? If you were to find out that a D won't harm your son as much as you think, would you get one? Is your son the sole thing that's keeping you yoked to your M?

 

About telling your H about the A, it may be the right thing to do if you want to work on your M. Can it be improved? Can your H finally get a miracle cure for his sexual issues as well as his selfish attitude? Those things may not change and instead you'll have a warlike family atmosphere that will inevitably harm your son. You did say that D would be almost certain if you told him, right? You are fighting a losing battle here unless you initiate the D, don't mention the A and try to make your son as comfortable as possible.

 

My son is around age 9 years old. Although he is very mature and intelligent. He understands higher-level thinking. Yes, it is my son and my profession that is keeping me from getting a divorce. Plus, I don't think I would want him to know the details if we got a divorce. I really can't say how long I can go on like this.

 

No, I wouldn't have a second affair with somebody different. I know that with absolute certainty.

 

If my husband knew about the affair, he would divorce me without hestitation.

 

I don't know if the marriage can be improved. We have the "roommate marriage" at his time and it is not unfriendly. It is just not very affectionate.

[2sunny]

Get the old job back. Start doing things that make you happy. Just because you are married doesn't mean his decisions need to be made if it causes you to resent him.

 

Good balance is something you could work on with a counselor. Your son desperately needs counseling - as he needs to find a way to deal with change. Change is constant and will always happen - if he can't deal with that reality - you need to get him help.

 

If you two dinar rife counseling - it would help if your H knows how you feel- what you will or won't do, to go along with his demands. Have a boundary. Find a way to see if you can regain trust and intimacy.

 

Are you sure he's not seeing someone? It's not normal for a healthy mid30's guy to never have sex. Does he possibly do too much porn or masturbation? That can greatly affect a man's sex drive with a woman!

 

Ask him! Also ask yourself why you are expected to live without sex just because he can't? What does he think will happen - you just live without it now and forever? What is planning to do to create intimacy and please you sexually? There are MANY things he could be doing if he's not having inter course - is he making the effort for those things - to please you?

[ThinkBelieve]

Oh,it's all too familiar, you can read my stories/posts - essentially the same although I refuse to quit my affair, I refuse to live a sexless life.

 

I've stayed for my child as well. It doesn't help.

 

For the sake of brevity I won't recount what you can read in my posts, but I will say I bet if you look deep you will find that sex is not all that is missing. Often in sexless marriages we get fixated on the "result" that is absent - sex. Usually upon closer inspection what we find is that it is other forms of intimacy that is gone - anything from exploring each other's bodies, to touching, kissing, cuddling....all the way to having closeness and emotional trust- being willing to discuss you feelings, expose your vulnerabilities, discuss your hopes, dreams, and ambitions. Eventually is erodes the bond that keeps you loyal, faithful, and loving towards your spouse.

 

You can stay married, I have, for reasons other than the relationship with your spouse. Being legally married may seem to help a child, be financially beneficial, and maintain social acceptance - but it's a charade...minimally a facade. A marriage to the outside world is determined by your legal status, but between the two of you it is defined you the quality of your relationship and the adherence to vows - loving and cherishing, forsaking all others, etc..

 

You problem isn't his ability to get an erection. There are countless other ways he could physically satisfy you.

 

It always comes down to the following options:

1. Fix it

2. Accept it

3. Leave

4. And the all unpopular - augment elsewhere while picking 1-3

 

Guess you are take door #2. My prediction, based solely on my experience, you will never be happy. #1 and #3 are the only paths to fulfillment. Best of luck.

 

Hi Mr_Confused, thank you for your response and your sharing your experiences. I can most certainly relate.

 

Your assessment is completely accurate. Sex is not all that is absent. The important elements like cuddling, touching, affection, kissing, bonding, exploring each others' bodies, sharing, all these intimate moments are needed too.

 

Thank you for providing that insight. I agree, sharing intimacy is more important than the E in ED. It is all the other elements that makes makes sex most fulfilling.

 

Thank you for outlining the options.

 

Rearding the options:

 

#1 -unlikely

#2 -possibly

#3- possibly

#4- possibly

Edited November 27, 2011 by ThinkBelieve

[ThinkBelieve]

Very sad story.

 

IMHO you are simply existing and marking time. You are going to work to bring home $ to pay the bills, but you have no passion or investment in your work otherwise.

 

You are married on paper but not in your heart or in your loins. You are staying married to avoid the uglyness of divorce.

 

You say you are doing it for your son but once he is 18 he no longer has the right to emotionally blackmail you.

 

You had the affair because you felt alive and human again. You felt what it was like to be noticed and appreciated. You felt comfort in being held, in having someone look you in the eye and talk to you. You felt the touch of skin on skin. And I'm assuming you had an orgasm or two and those are pretty nice too. In essence you were alive and living again and were living for yourself and for someone that wanted to be with you and not just because you were a means to an end for them......or maybe you were if he is just a cheating guy getting some @$$ but at least he probably appreciated and enjoyed that @$$ - that's more than you are getting at home afterall.

 

 

In the end, this is nothing about your husband, nothing about your son and nothing about some @$$hole corporate bigshot that likes to hit on chicks and then pay them off to buy their silence. This is about you living an unfullfilling, unsatisfactory, hollow life and letting other people dictate to you and push you around.

 

Yeah you may be smart and may be a good worker and a good corporate player and may draw a nice paycheck because of those skills, but you are living your life for other people and letting them call the shots and then being bitter and resentfull about it after the fact.

 

Smoking the other guy's pole was the one thing you have done for yourself and for your own enjoyment in years. Maybe in many ways it was wrong but it was at least an act you did for yourself and that you got some joy, excitement and pleasure from.

 

Your divorce and loss of your home and current life are inevitable, or at least I hope they are inevitable. I hope one day you do wake up and decide to live your life for you and not everyone else that wants to suckle from your teet and push you around by your emotions.

 

Maybe your company will give you boot if you divorce. I can't imagine that really happening though, I think that is just another form of emotional blackmail that you have bought yourself into. Why should your company give a rat's @$$ what your maritial status is.

 

I see your options for a healthy, happy life is this - either grow some balls and tell your husband what he needs to do in order to man-up and keep you as his gravy train, a part of that is to engage you and seduce you and throw your legs over his shoulders and slam it to you and fill you full of man-juice on at least a weekly or biweekly basis.

 

Or pack your stuff and move on with your life and live a life of fulfillment even if it means working a regular 9-5 job and finding a normal Joe Six-Pack that can at least make you feel like an important desirable woman in his life.

 

Right now you are just breathing and trying to keep breathing from one day to the next.

 

PS I may sound like an Ahole but I am actually on your side and advocating for you and your own wellbeing. I'm not slamming you or trying to put you down, just trying to get you to wake up and realise you are not living a full life for yourself.

 

Thank you, very enlightening perspective. I may not agree 100%, but I appreciate your wit.

[ThinkBelieve]

As smart as you claim you are, you have made nothing but dumb decisions. Is your husband gay (my go to about any male who does not sexually desire a gorgeous wife)?

 

Doubling your salary (and only seeing him monthly to boot)? Sorry that too is a redflag and if you talked to a lawyer should have ensured a multimillion dollar settlement.

 

But if all you've written is true, as said, get good counseling for you and your son, a good lawyer to protect your assets and dump his ass.....

 

I certainly realized even back then I could have sued my previous employer, asked for more money, informed his wife. Why treat each other that way? He is a good, decent man. What good would that have done to his family? I shudder to think of the consequences that would have caused. I kept the situation completely silent. Retrospectively, I wish I didn't tell me husband about that as well. I guess hindsight is 20/20.

 

I do sincerely appreciate your advice though.

[ThinkBelieve]

ThinkBelieve -

 

Don't let the detractors get to you. As a fellow person in an affair, you are in the lion's den so to speak. Many people here have been betrayed by spouses they love and are understandably adamant about the hurt an affair can cause. Few of them I suspect live in a sexless marriage an understand the impact it has on a person's esteem over time, your vulnerability, and the emptiness of a life absent of intimacy.

 

I did not read your post as a justification of an affair - I don't think it can be justified. I read it as an explanation of the circumstances that led to a decision to enter an affair. There is a difference.

 

Your education, looks, and income has no bearing on your ability to make correct decisions under such circumstances or will make him want to provide you with intimacy. I am in my mid 40's, make a salary I never imagined possible, and am in the best shape of my life. It has nothing to do with you. Most people are fortunate enough to never live in a marriage with such issues. Most people have sex regularly, even when they are facing life's toughest challenges. We never had sex even during the best of times when we arguably had the things most people have always dreamed - we are healthy, fit, wealthy, great jobs, happy family, good friends, wonderful vacations, etc.. None of it matters. Your husbands ED is not a show stopper, he could gratify you in countless other ways if he so desired. If he genuinely loved you he would exhaust any way to assure you are content, feel loved, and happy.

 

I don't want to promote another site but suggest visiting experienceproject-dot-com as it have an entire area dedicated to people in sexless marriages, literally 1000+ people who have shared their stories. It's a challenge and issue unlike others in how it impacts the refused spouse. I'd encourage you to spend some time there, and other sites. That is how I ended up here. I also spent time on survivinginfidelity-dot-com to understand how betrayed spouses feel. It was eye opening, their hurt compared to my wife's indifference was enlightening.

 

What you will find is shreds of insight from various sources that will help you gain perspective on your life, your marriage, and options to find happiness. What you will also, quite unfortunately find, is that sexless marriages rarely return to a healthy state.

 

I've gone form denial, to "damn it I can fix this", to melt down, ultimatums, passionless participatory empty sex with my spouse, to an affair, d-day, therapy, etc. Hopefully you can find something I have shared can get you through this more expediently than I have thus far.

 

I don't at all like your "suck it up till my kid grows up" approach. I wasted many years with that approach and it's no easier now with a teenager than it was then. It's not a solution, you aren't martyr for your family, you are a person and you deserve to be loved without being forced to chose between a loveless marriage or an affair.

 

Take it from someone that exhausted every other avenue - FIX IT or LEAVE.

 

Sorry to ramble.

 

Best of luck.

 

Mr_Confused, Thank you for all of your insight and I appreciate all of your extremely helpful information.

 

I appreciate you for sending me some other sites which I will view. I truly haven't had much of an opportunity to review and research a lot on this topic. I do sincerely appreciate your help.

 

BTW, thank you for "rambling".

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I certainly realized even back then I could have sued my previous employer, asked for more money, informed his wife. Why treat each other that way? He is a good, decent man. What good would that have done to his family? I shudder to think of the consequences that would have caused. I kept the situation completely silent. Retrospectively, I wish I didn't tell me husband about that as well. I guess hindsight is 20/20.

 

I do sincerely appreciate your advice though.

 

If this was an isolated incident, yes you should have noted it, reviewed it with a lawyer and deiscussed next steps.

 

I am amazed that you ignore the issue of your husbands ED, and have glossed over your sex life. I doubt there ever was one and though you claim to have seen Dr. (or he claims to have), I'll bet there is more to it. As I stated earlier Viagra, Cialis & Levitra only work if ther is desire. He doesn't have it for you, and hence the comment of being gay (not that there is anything wrong with that).

 

Also counseling is crucial.

[ThinkBelieve]

If this was an isolated incident, yes you should have noted it, reviewed it with a lawyer and deiscussed next steps.

 

I am amazed that you ignore the issue of your husbands ED, and have glossed over your sex life. I doubt there ever was one and though you claim to have seen Dr. (or he claims to have), I'll bet there is more to it. As I stated earlier Viagra, Cialis & Levitra only work if ther is desire. He doesn't have it for you, and hence the comment of being gay (not that there is anything wrong with that).

 

Also counseling is crucial.

 

Toodamnpragmatic, thank you for your reply.

 

I think protecting one's reputation and family is more important than financial gain. I wouldn't want to affect his family.

 

Yes, we have been nearly sexless for nearly six years. I am very uncomfortable with that and that is why I have come here for advise and perspective (and vent). I can't go on without sexual intimacy, unless I have to.

 

My H is not gay, I know that with certainty. He did see a doctor regarding his issues, they couldn't find anything physically wrong with him.

 

As Mr_Confused so perseptively pointed out, there are much more important elements that are also missing from my marriage. There is no passion, affection, exploration, sensual touching, cuddling, kissing, physical and emotional connection. I realize that pharmaceutical companies like to focus on the ED, so that people will purchase their products, hoping to acheive "better sex". But without the necessary desire for intimacy, it won't happen.

 

You are 100% correct, if there is no desire, there is no point. I suppose that is where I am with my husband.

 

I know with my affair, I felt desire like I hadn't felt in years, so I know I don't have any physical issues.

Edited November 27, 2011 by ThinkBelieve

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Toodamnpragmatic, thank you for your reply.

 

I think protecting one's reputation and family is more important than financial gain. I wouldn't want to affect his family.

 

Yes, we have been nearly sexless for nearly six years. I am very uncomfortable with that and that is why I have come here for advise and perspective (and vent). I can't go on without sexual intimacy, unless I have to.

 

My H is not gay, I know that with certainty. He did see a doctor regarding his issues, they couldn't find anything physically wrong with him.

 

As Mr_Confused so perseptively pointed out, there are much more important elements that are also missing from my marriage. There is no passion, affection, exploration, sensual touching, cuddling, kissing, physical and emotional connection. I realize that pharmaceutical companies like to focus on the ED, so that people will purchase their products, hoping to acheive "better sex". But without the necessary desire for intimacy, it won't happen.

 

You are 100% correct, if there is no desire, there is no point. I suppose that is where I am with my husband.

 

The desire and you protecting your boss' career and family if this WAS A ONE TIME INDISCRETION I appreciate and accept.

 

However I don't want to argue semantics or law, but doubling one's salary would certainly raise the ire of accountants and others in a company and could result in issues down the road. But let's just ignore that.

 

I also extensively posted on Mr_Confused's thread and defended him.

 

When you say the doctors say nothing is wrong with your husband, I am flabbergasted you have put up with it along with his controlling nature and miserable life he has created for you (add to that his get rich quick ideas that have failed). If not gay (and frankly I doubt it), then check for porn addiction or a mistress. I just don't believe he doesn't desire an attractive, loving intelligent wife. He too needs counseling.

 

Of course this is a double standard as I do see women not desiring their handsome successful husbands....

Edited November 27, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[2sunny]

Are you saying you don't desire your H? If so, I'm sure he feels that lack of emotional connection it takes to be interested in someone - much less married to them.

 

Have you been honest with him that you don't have that desire for him? Has he been honest with you about how he feels about you? ... And the reason why his brain isn't into jumping your bones? It's a mental thing mostly - or better yet, lack of a mental connection.

 

How much time do you two spend getting connected (alone time) and staying connected to each other?

[Mr_Confused]

I think when you dig deep, you'll realize the cause and effect issues are largely meaningless - you are where you are - "why" is somewhat important, but you'll find your energy better invested assessing "what" you are going to do about it. Bottom line your relationship stinks and you aren't going to be able to accept it - so fix it or leave. Accepting it or having another affair will only temporarily provide relief - AT BEST.

 

I'd suggest investing in fixing it given it would be best for you child and financially.

 

You can only control yourself. First critical question is to determine your desire to love your husband as a wife should. Are you doing what you can and should to engage him emotionally and physically?

 

If you can't find it within yourself to want him any more or put forth the effort to rebuild intimacy - in my opinion - you are just wasting time - it is over.

 

Second - does her clearly understand your needs and what you will do if they are not met? If so does he care?

 

If not - again, I think you are done.

 

If however you are willing to truly reinvest in him, have reasonable expectations about how long it will take, and he equally cares and is committed I don't think there are any limits to what you could accomplish. You could make this marriage what you both had always hoped.

 

I suggest a candid conversation about the state of the marriage and an assessment of if it can be fixed.

 

Good luck.