my ex affair partner gone awal

[goldengirl86]

Thanks Ms red, It does help and Ladygrey and everyone it all helps, even with the people that are kicking my bum, sometimes a little bit of tough love does not go astray. No i cannot turn my feelings off at the switch of a button i wish i could, and i remember reading a post my lady grey about how if you could go back would you, i asked him this once and he said no, he never asked me but if he had i would have said in a minute, in a mirco second! its not that i dont love him because i love him more than i ever loved anyone outside my family, but it was hard, harder than i ever knew having to deal with the constant back and forth, the silent treatment, the drama. I spent 23 years avoiding relationships and love and was quite content to honestly grow old and become the cat lady! i had no interest and then i met him and that all changed and now i feel sick at the thought of ever letting anyone else touch me again.

 

I did go on a date with a really nice, sweet good guy, but i was not ready and insted ended up hurting someone who really liked me! And i did not want to do that as i know how it feels, i tried to respect this guys feelings and told him i was not ready! i feel bad that i hurt him a stranger!

But at the same time my family kept pushing for me to go out to forget the mm.

 

People say its all about the learning, but i honestly would give back all the learning for just having a simple uncomplicated stress free life, focusing on university! I had to take time off uni because i could not concentrate with the stress, i tried to kill myself and let both him and her degrade me after she said she hoped my baby would be disabled ( lost the baby)!

And basically got very little thanks for helping him get his bid promotion etc, and for listening to his feelings about her and not saying anything back even though it killed me to have to hear it!

 

 

I called him today, have called him alot, more than ever have before over the weekend! I know i need to be strong and accept things and move on, things of the positives, like now i can voluteer abroad like i was going to and backpack across europe, and can actually leave this crappy small town behind, not stay here because he loved it, and i dont have to deal with being a stepmom ( though i love kids and his kids are really beautiful) and dont have to deal with his wife, and dont have to deal with money issues because if he does not get jail time he will get like a 20000 dollar fine, so they can deal with that and i dont have to deal with his moodiness and anger issues and all the other things, i dont have to try and get over all the hurtful things he did too me, like giving me 30 minutes of his time to break up with, telling me he wanted to pursue a relationship with me several times and then breaking his promises, hell he even told his wife he wanted to be with me, so dont have to deal with someone who cant keep there word, or who says crazy weird things like he wished his wife and kids had died even if he was just thinking out loud, or who does not make me physical ill when he tells me about the things he has done to her, and who does not have a criminal record, who things love is what he has with his wife, and lies to me and cheats on me, who wont answer my phone calls or texts validating my feelings or the simple fact that im a human being, as its just common respect and kindness, who thinks lord of the rings was a stypid movie and gladiator, who made me feel physicall ill when calling him because he never answered my calls, who just took and took all my good will and good intentions and then threw them back in my face, who thought it was ok to saying terrible demeaning things about his wife (who believe it or not i stuck up for, when he said he felt like shooting her, plus when he made other horrible comments about her, i was her biggest supporter etc), and when he said he did not think his eldest son was his, i said he was being nuts and that the kids was his, though she had apparently said they were not in one of there fights to hurt him, also who does not think its ok to get violent with your spouse when you argue even if its only happen a couple of times, who does not threaten my life in front of my kids and put my childrens lives in harms way by driving dangerously well we have heard the story etc another one who knows how to be a friend, and hello if you dont want to talk to soemone be a friggin adult about it and give them a reason why so they can at least have some closure, validate there feelings!

 

Just thinking out loud thanks once again guys i like reading all the post, as i said i cant be objective and feel like i cannot quite grasp the reality of the situation yet and who he is!

[LilMissMovinOn]

I actually seriously think i am nuts, i know he has done so much bad stuff to his wife, and have not even mention the stuff he has done too me, not like the stuff he has done to her! But other hurtful stuff, some could say its worse i dont know.

 

But i love him and worried about him, though who knows he could be with her and violating his bail agreement i dont know! she does not care about the stuff he has done to her.

 

But its hard because im concerned about him, it human nature to worry about someone you love. It hard because he is the only man i have ever loved. So i got the whole first love thing going on!

Plus im a little bit angry at myself for allowing him to do this to me again, i have literally been nothing but good to him and ok so he going through a hard time, but is it really so hard to reply to a friggin text and let me know your alive.

 

i literally am obsessed, calling him and texting him, help me please! i have never been like this before and he has done it to me before.

 

 

You are most likely experiencing a form of 'love addiction' or extreme form of codependency where an attachment is formed through traumatic bonding which occurrs due to your love interest being very charming to begin with followed by the use of random intermittant reinforcement. He is however EXTREMELY DANGEROUS and your life, as well as the lives of his partner and children are all at risk. Google some of the terms I've referred to and see if they resonate with you. Also, please contact your local domestic violence support service. I repeat - your life is in serious danger. This is not a criticism in any shape or form but this dynamic is much bigger than you (or anyone this happens to - and it CAN and DOES happen to anyone - including those who think such a thing would never happen to them).

 

You need to get professional support before this man totally destroys you as rest assured, if you allow him to stay in your life he most definately will.

[NoIDidn't]

Golden

 

In reading current posts, it seems that you took my post to say that he loves his W more than he loves you. That is not at all what I intended to say or imply, so please accept my apologies.

 

I just want you to see the risks he is taking for his family and his W and how he's using your attention and affections as a crutch. I would run so fast and far away from such a man as to leave skid marks!

 

I totally understand your feelings of "first love" and "taught [you] to love", but I have to disagree on the second point. He's taught you codependence and a very unhealthy version of love. I love my sister dearly, but she's been in a similar situation (not a married guy, but one that can't stay faithful) for more than 10 years! And she still says, "he's my first and only"..blah, blah, blah about the man that has abandoned her and their children repeatedly.

 

Know that in running away, you will leave him to find another band-aid for his life, but that that is not your problem. He is not your problem. And, believe me, at only 23, you'll have the chance to fall in love again and again, because you have to have a "first". He just doesn't have to be the "only" or the "last".

 

Take care of you. He has too much drama and instability in his life for someone of your age. Besides the fact that he really sounds quite dangerous for you AND his family.

[nofool4u]

Hi guys this may sound like a stypid question, but i have not ehard form my ex afafir partner for a couple of days and wonder if i am over reacting if he wants nothing more to do with me etc.

 

We are currently still friends and he is going through a really hard time! Here is some background. Recently after an incident involving his wife of which they had a fight she put the kids in the car and he pursued and they proceeded to bumb into each other, she lost control of the car, the police were called and he was arrested. he already had an AVO on him and was not allowed to threaten or intimitate her. However, they had reconcile and where getting along swell. Anyway the court has forbidden him from having any contact with her or the children, plus there is a possibility of him going to jail.

 

Perhaps i am over reacting, but he has just stopped talking to me in the past. I know these are big issues and perhaps he does not feel like talking to anyone.

Can someone help offer some advice, as i love him alot and this is killing me!

 

Ok, so here is a guy who is irrational, as if cheating isn't bad enough, goes off half cocked, runs his wife off the road, and you love him?

 

Wow, even people with a higher chance of being violent get women wrapped around their finger.

[goldengirl86]

thanks everyone, today is a really hard day as was yesteday, i actually am finding myself ringing him just to hear his voice message, as i want to hear the sound of his voice. (i know i need to stop), and yeah he does have me wrapped around his little finger. Im sick within myself because i never have called like this in the past even when he did it last time.

 

He must really hate me i guess, and it was some kind of sick game, he says one thing and he does another, he got into a fight with his brother and said that all his brother does is run away from his problems ( i say look in the mirror). when his brother had warned him about what would happen as did everyone, but its all our faults i guess! by just dumping me out of his life he wins once again, by showing himself that he still had power over me and then once gain when he got me back around his little finger and to start to trust him again. bamm i did not know people could be so cruel.

 

As for the love addiction maybe some qualities, as when i heard about the things he has done to his wife and kids, i dont have a normal reaction like everyone else, its like nothing, like the realistic side of me knows it wrong and not right, but its like im not able to comprehend the gravity of the situation ( that probably makes no sence at all).

The first time when he blindfolded her yeah i was physically sick, and geniuely worried for her and the kids. ( i always worry for the kids though) but its like i not feeling anything anymore, i dont know what is wrong with me.

 

His theapist say that his actions are how he deals with stress! His anger management guy told him to get back with his wife, and then proceeded to not even bother to turn up to the next session.

It seems that everyone is ligitimising his actions in someway, but he does know there wrong and he always say he made another mistake etc. so he is aware that his actions are wrong and he does take responsibility for them.

[goldengirl86]

His actions have disgusted and repulsed me, do our actions make us who we are? I would never even think to blind someone, say im going to kill my childrens mother. We all get stressed, and we can control our actions. My uncle is so disgusted with the fact that they both did that to there children, and gets so mad i often feel like this is how i should be reacting. My friends dont know how i can even talk to someone who does this kind of thing! Everyone in my family reacts like this, his family dont know alot of it so i dont think they udnertand the gravity of the situation, however i did tell his dad about the blindfolding incident and i dont think he has mention it to him? that he knows.

 

Its does not matter anyway, i dont know whay i went into that amount of detail. As i said i seriously do not know what is wrong with me, i trying to stay on the computer and focus, ahve let my phone go flat so i dont call, but i dying too, not even to talk as i said just to listen to that stypid vopcie mesage that i once hated so much!

I texted him saying i was walking away, that i wish him well in his life etc.

I just am really sad that i was so easy disposable to him and that i think about him all the time and he cannot care less about me, he just wakes up one morning and says oh im bored with her, i never going to talk to her again. when i love him so much.

and yes this whole love thing is getting a wee bit over the top, just because you love soemone does not give them a free pass to rip out your heart every other day!

 

Just want to stop and go no contact!

[goldengirl86]

I was going to therapy once a week, she is really good, but she thinks i dont need to go anymore. plus i will call lifeline here which is councelling via the phone. I dont know if its help, like in the beginning i was just consumed by quilt and could not function, and was really messed up with his constant back and forth, and then when he did this too me last time it really messed me up i was devastated.

 

But this time yes im devasated, but im more obsessed with wanting to talk to him, last time i rang in three times over 2 days and sent three messages and dropped it, and stayed in bed and cried for weeks, ive lost a bunch of weight i cant focus on anything, ive lost interest in everything, i want to die all the time, but im scared ill fail again and cant bear the fallout, plus it would hurt my family too much.

 

I dont want to kill myself to get his attention, i just want to stop having to deal with these feelings.

I want him to be a grown up and deal with situations effectively, be honest with me, im not the type to flip out im way to passive, which is why he railroads me all the time because i never argue back which is the opposite of what he is use too. In away its like he gets mad and does those things to her to punish her, and he gives me the silent treatment because he knows that hurts me more, because i like to talk out everything. I guess he really wanted to drive the nail in my coffin this time, his actions let him down all the time.

 

I dont know im starting to think he put on an act for me, by being really nice and stuff, and helpful and perhaps i got the wrong impression. For instance, i never actually knew he hit her back, he said even though she only hit him a couple of time, but in the beginning i thought she was the only one doing it, but he later said he hit her back to defend himself i dont know what type of hitting though, but it only happen a few times! and he tripped her over when she was pregnant as she was walking away from him in an arguement! she also kicked him out once as he kept complaining about her spending, but he begged her to take himback and apologised.

I did see him get a little rough with his son once, and his kids hid behind me from both her and him at times, and would whisper to me if they pooed themselves when they were getting toilet trained, which i thought was weird as they were scared of there parents reaction. Though there are good elements to about both him and her. and i have seen them be really great with there kids too.

 

I do know i did have a physical reaction then when it came to the kids, and it showed because he made a joke about me reporting him to child services once. And in one case i said something about how she manipulated her eldest son to confess to drawing on the wall and then smacked him across the room.

 

I dont know i though they were just strict, and it was always a problem that i was not strick and would not smack my nieces or there kids.

Because in the beginning he was my friend, i cared for her too, but we were different because she was really conceeded and too into her self and her needs.

 

As i said i feel bad, what 27 year old man does not have one male friend or friend for that matter, i was his only friend in the beginning thats what we were though maybe he manipulated me into falling for someone that does not exist, i mean he ripped a car part out of one of his close friends car because he had not given him the money for it, which ended there friendship. His wife has lots of friends, but his whole life evolved around work and looking after his kids. And now things have changed at work becaus i dont think they really respect him, even though they say it really out of charcacter for him.

 

p.s I am writing this here so i dont ring him ( well ring him and have to deal with no response) so trying to keep myself focused on something else. so that why im rambling on!

As i feel like he is ostrisizing me abit by ignoring my existence which could be construded as a form of abuse, though i doubt he is doing it on purpose as i said he had his fun got his ego stroked and bamm. Stypid me!

[goldengirl86]

I do get what posters are trying to say, in away. while im focusing on him and how he is not talking to me and how he is finished with me, what i need to realise is that im the one who is done with him, he may not be contacting me but i can actively make a choice to move on with my life and take myself out of the equation. And that he has done me a favour by doing this to me, as now i can remove myself from all the drama the soap opera antics and realise that he never deserved me, he is not worthy of me, and he was the one who was lucky to have me in his life, not the other way around, and that he had someone who loved him and would have doen anything for him, but he has now lost me because he could not see past his own selfish needs. And that no he is not a good person, or the good is buried really deep inside as his actions have showed him to be weak, cowardly, cruel, abusive a liar and a cheater and as i said cruel in the worst possible way.

but i cannot just turn my feelings off, however much i want too.

[Ms. Red]

Sign up for Netflix and watch a $hitload of movies. I do that when I can't get my mind off of my asshat.

[goldengirl86]

Nothing gets my mind of him i think about him all day and all night as i said obsessed, i even tried to avoid ringing him today but could not stop myself, even though i knew he would not answer, to be quite honest i dont care i could just ring him a thousand times and not care, though admitedly id freak if he actually answered. so i rang him at a time when i knew he be out of service. i know its just making it worse, but i honestly dont care anymore what he thinks of me. or maybe thats a lie, i dont know anything.

 

I not even thinking anymore about him and me being together, i dont even care if he got back with his wife, well maybe i would i dont know! i just feel nothing, but everything if that makes sence. I honestly i dont know what wrong with me. I dont wont anything, i dont want to ever be with anyone ever again, i dont want anything not to get married or have children of my own i just want to be alone, and never let anyone close to me again.

 

But i do look at all of the responses and they make me a little stronger to know im not missing out on some amazing person, he is the one missing out!

[Ms. Red]

Nothing gets my mind of him i think about him all day and all night as i said obsessed, i even tried to avoid ringing him today but could not stop myself, even though i knew he would not answer, to be quite honest i dont care i could just ring him a thousand times and not care, though admitedly id freak if he actually answered. so i rang him at a time when i knew he be out of service. i know its just making it worse, but i honestly dont care anymore what he thinks of me. or maybe thats a lie, i dont know anything.

 

I not even thinking anymore about him and me being together, i dont even care if he got back with his wife, well maybe i would i dont know! i just feel nothing, but everything if that makes sence. I honestly i dont know what wrong with me. I dont wont anything, i dont want to ever be with anyone ever again, i dont want anything not to get married or have children of my own i just want to be alone, and never let anyone close to me again.

But i do look at all of the responses and they make me a little stronger to know im not missing out on some amazing person, he is the one missing out!

 

You're too young to think this way. It took me 40 years to get to that point. After you pay your dues with a list of failed relationships then you can feel that way.

 

But after just one first love? It just feels like it's the end of your life (relationship wise). You will get over this and love again. I know it's hard to imagine that now.

 

If you feel numb right now than enjoy it while you can. It's better than feeling pain.

[bentnotbroken]

This is a train wreck waiting to happen. To conductors with no sense of direction or self worth.

[2sunny]

Why are you handing him so much power?

 

Obviously things are out of balance.

 

Work with you therapist on those two core issues.

 

Your happiness should not depend on what someone else is or isn't doing.

Edited November 29, 2011 by 2sunny

[LilMissMovinOn]

I do get what posters are trying to say, in away. while im focusing on him and how he is not talking to me and how he is finished with me, what i need to realise is that im the one who is done with him, he may not be contacting me but i can actively make a choice to move on with my life and take myself out of the equation. And that he has done me a favour by doing this to me, as now i can remove myself from all the drama the soap opera antics and realise that he never deserved me, he is not worthy of me, and he was the one who was lucky to have me in his life, not the other way around, and that he had someone who loved him and would have doen anything for him, but he has now lost me because he could not see past his own selfish needs. And that no he is not a good person, or the good is buried really deep inside as his actions have showed him to be weak, cowardly, cruel, abusive a liar and a cheater and as i said cruel in the worst possible way.

but i cannot just turn my feelings off, however much i want too.

 

I feel for you Golden & good on u 4 posting on LS instead of calling him. Perhaps you can think of other strategies to use when tempted to stop you frm contacting this man? You're getting there with an intellectual understanding of what's occurring. Keep looking within yrself & asking asking yrself how you are feeling about you & more strength will come. The suggestion to get more (with someone new or not) therapy was sound. U've already had one suicide attempt over this guy, & yr capacity to study has been affected. You are obviously bright & can see that this man has affected your life terribly. IMO you would benefit from extra support in addition to calling lifeline & posting here. This is a very serious situation so you owe it to yourself to you avail yourself of as much help as you can get. You have been terribly emotionally abused (silent treatment being the worst form of this & a form of psychological murder / terrorism). If you do not become strong in yr resolve not to take this man bk when he breaks NC with you (which I can assure u he eventually will) inevitably the abuse will continue to esculate.

 

Here's some specific search terms you might like to google to help you learn more about what you have been through...

 

Cycle of domestic violence

Emotional abuse

Silent treatment

Depression

Traumatic bonding & intermittant reinforcement

Narrcissistic Personality Disorder

Co-dependency

Love addiction

Psycopath

Explosive disorder

Sex and love addicts anonymous

Health affects of exposure to abuse

 

Sadly this man will never give you the closure you're wanting because it's not in his interests to do so. He WANTS to keep you attached to him by denying you closure. This way when he wants to play with you again he can walk right back into your life & pick up where he left off. It's your job to protect yourself & not allow him to do that. That is why you must use this time to learn all can about your situation & to 'call in the reinforcements' by getting as much support as you possibly can. I wish you well.

Edited November 29, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn

[nofool4u]

He must really hate me i guess,

 

Wake up. HE RAN HIS WIFE AND KIDS OFF THE ROAD!!!

[Owl]

So...I'm an "action oriented" kind of advice giver.

 

You've come to the conclusion that this MM isn't going to do any good for you.

 

GOOD FOR YOU!

 

That's the first step.

 

Now comes the harder ones...

 

What are you going to DO about it? How will you ensure that he doesn't suck you back in once he's mended fences with momma once again? Once his life resumes back to "status quo"...he gets bored...and then decides to contact you whom he figures is just waiting in the wings pining for a call from him?

 

How will you keep yourself from being drawn back into the insanity?

 

I suggest changing your numbers...block his from contacting you...make it clear that you're DONE and will not accept his foolishness back into your life.

 

Take control back...don't passively sit there and hope he doesn't come knocking tomorrow.

[whichwayisup]

I was going to therapy once a week, she is really good, but she thinks i dont need to go anymore. plus i will call lifeline here which is councelling via the phone. I dont know if its help, like in the beginning i was just consumed by quilt and could not function, and was really messed up with his constant back and forth, and then when he did this too me last time it really messed me up i was devastated.

 

But this time yes im devasated, but im more obsessed with wanting to talk to him, last time i rang in three times over 2 days and sent three messages and dropped it, and stayed in bed and cried for weeks, ive lost a bunch of weight i cant focus on anything, ive lost interest in everything, i want to die all the time, but im scared ill fail again and cant bear the fallout, plus it would hurt my family too much.

 

I dont want to kill myself to get his attention, i just want to stop having to deal with these feelings.

I want him to be a grown up and deal with situations effectively, be honest with me, im not the type to flip out im way to passive, which is why he railroads me all the time because i never argue back which is the opposite of what he is use too. In away its like he gets mad and does those things to her to punish her, and he gives me the silent treatment because he knows that hurts me more, because i like to talk out everything. I guess he really wanted to drive the nail in my coffin this time, his actions let him down all the time.

 

I dont know im starting to think he put on an act for me, by being really nice and stuff, and helpful and perhaps i got the wrong impression. For instance, i never actually knew he hit her back, he said even though she only hit him a couple of time, but in the beginning i thought she was the only one doing it, but he later said he hit her back to defend himself i dont know what type of hitting though, but it only happen a few times! and he tripped her over when she was pregnant as she was walking away from him in an arguement! she also kicked him out once as he kept complaining about her spending, but he begged her to take himback and apologised.

I did see him get a little rough with his son once, and his kids hid behind me from both her and him at times, and would whisper to me if they pooed themselves when they were getting toilet trained, which i thought was weird as they were scared of there parents reaction. Though there are good elements to about both him and her. and i have seen them be really great with there kids too.

 

I do know i did have a physical reaction then when it came to the kids, and it showed because he made a joke about me reporting him to child services once. And in one case i said something about how she manipulated her eldest son to confess to drawing on the wall and then smacked him across the room.

 

I dont know i though they were just strict, and it was always a problem that i was not strick and would not smack my nieces or there kids.

Because in the beginning he was my friend, i cared for her too, but we were different because she was really conceeded and too into her self and her needs.

 

As i said i feel bad, what 27 year old man does not have one male friend or friend for that matter, i was his only friend in the beginning thats what we were though maybe he manipulated me into falling for someone that does not exist, i mean he ripped a car part out of one of his close friends car because he had not given him the money for it, which ended there friendship. His wife has lots of friends, but his whole life evolved around work and looking after his kids. And now things have changed at work becaus i dont think they really respect him, even though they say it really out of charcacter for him.

 

p.s I am writing this here so i dont ring him ( well ring him and have to deal with no response) so trying to keep myself focused on something else. so that why im rambling on!

As i feel like he is ostrisizing me abit by ignoring my existence which could be construded as a form of abuse, though i doubt he is doing it on purpose as i said he had his fun got his ego stroked and bamm. Stypid me!

 

GG, you need to print out this thread and show that counsellor what you've said. She is wrong to have told you, you don't need therapy anymore. Or, find another therapist.

[goldengirl86]

Thanks everyone, im struggling with the whole NC i called him last night, but only when i knew he be out of service and recieved a message from him today saying that he was taking time out for himself, and that he understands why im letting him go, and that hes does not know how my feelings can change in 4 days as he does not have that ability and that he should have just told me he needed time for himself, and that hes knows i hates his guts etc. And that im a great peson who would do anything for anyone and never expect anything in return. and that he thought he had been a friend to me! i guess hes done with me and that was his way of saying it i dont know.

 

I think we have very different version of what a friend is, because i make an effort with my friends and i dont ignore them and treat them like crap. for example, when i was in the hopital he did not make any effort to see if i was ok, in fact he just ignored me all the time, and this is going to sound really gross, but his wife told my sister that when i was trying to end my life he was around there f****** her. ( too much information i know, and made me sick for months knowing it), i guess that her purpose though was to make me recognise how unimportant i was.

 

It hard though when you give and give, and someone takes and takes, and then you have got nothing left for yourself.

[goldengirl86]

Thanks everyone once again it all helps, every bit, i am looking at the terms and reading all your responses and am going to print them off so i can look at them when i feel weak!

[goldengirl86]

Im so damm angry, angry at him and especially angry at myself, i can now control myself through the day, but gave in tonight and called him, no answer and texted him, no reply!

 

Im so mad at myself, im literally acting like a stypid little weak schoolgirl who honestly needs to seriously get a grip! If he was just an ordinary friend then it would be different, but there is too much expecation, we can never just be friends! And too be hoenst i would never be friends with someone like him anyway if i met them now and knew about all that they had done, im lucky my friends and family still put up with me, but that is because like them i would never turn my back on them.

 

I seriously need to as LG said take the bull by the horns, and as others like owl have said stop being so friggin passive and wake up to myself! I am way to good to put up with someone doing this too me! im honetly just pissed ( pardon the language) what the frig is wrong with me! once upon a time i would never have put up with anyone disrespecting me and if someone treated my like crap i cut them out, i dont know why he is so different, i dont know why this is so hard for me!

 

He is the one that threw it all away by how much he has hurt me, he honestly needs to man up, as a man does not think love is obsessively trying to control ones wife, a man recognises that he is a role model to his children, a man does not marry someone in the first place to piss off mummy and daddy! A man treats his fellow human beings with respect and compassion and is strong, and a man sticks to his word. I know what i have done is wrong getiing involved with a mm, but he was unhappy long before i came along and a man would have had the balls to walk away from his marraige and take some risks in life insted of being so god damm compliacent and scared. And a man can recognise the difference between obsessive, immature highschool love and love that makes you a better person and is supportive and encouraging, not restricting and isolating and jeolous and controlling.

 

I need to grow up myself and realise that true loves does not hurt like this!

 

Sorry for the rambling im just angry at myself for not listening to anyone, i need to listen and stop thinking i know better! And take control over my own life and stop letting him break my heart again and again, and stick to my boundaries because as a cheating spouse once said to his wife when she asked him why he kept cheating on her " Because she let me". I know hes not my husband but the concept is the same once you keep letting soemone hurt you and they never have to face the reality of there situation they will keep on doing it!

[LilMissMovinOn]

Im so damm angry, angry at him and especially angry at myself, i can now control myself through the day, but gave in tonight and called him, no answer and texted him, no reply!

 

Im so mad at myself, im literally acting like a stypid little weak schoolgirl who honestly needs to seriously get a grip! If he was just an ordinary friend then it would be different, but there is too much expecation, we can never just be friends! And too be hoenst i would never be friends with someone like him anyway if i met them now and knew about all that they had done, im lucky my friends and family still put up with me, but that is because like them i would never turn my back on them.

 

I seriously need to as LG said take the bull by the horns, and as others like owl have said stop being so friggin passive and wake up to myself! I am way to good to put up with someone doing this too me! im honetly just pissed ( pardon the language) what the frig is wrong with me! once upon a time i would never have put up with anyone disrespecting me and if someone treated my like crap i cut them out, i dont know why he is so different, i dont know why this is so hard for me!

 

He is the one that threw it all away by how much he has hurt me, he honestly needs to man up, as a man does not think love is obsessively trying to control ones wife, a man recognises that he is a role model to his children, a man does not marry someone in the first place to piss off mummy and daddy! A man treats his fellow human beings with respect and compassion and is strong, and a man sticks to his word. I know what i have done is wrong getiing involved with a mm, but he was unhappy long before i came along and a man would have had the balls to walk away from his marraige and take some risks in life insted of being so god damm compliacent and scared. And a man can recognise the difference between obsessive, immature highschool love and love that makes you a better person and is supportive and encouraging, not restricting and isolating and jeolous and controlling.

 

I need to grow up myself and realise that true loves does not hurt like this!

 

Sorry for the rambling im just angry at myself for not listening to anyone, i need to listen and stop thinking i know better! And take control over my own life and stop letting him break my heart again and again, and stick to my boundaries because as a cheating spouse once said to his wife when she asked him why he kept cheating on her " Because she let me". I know hes not my husband but the concept is the same once you keep letting soemone hurt you and they never have to face the reality of there situation they will keep on doing it!

 

now yr talkin!! get in touch with that anger!! use it to motivate u to master full & permanent NC initiated by u, not him!!!. Keep researching all u can about the terms i listed. read read read & then read some more!! see wot fits in wot u learn re yrself & this guy. u may slip up a few times re NC but resolve to keep trying until u eventually succeed!!! change yr numbers. block him online. go all out!!! who does he think he is abusing & disrespecting u!!! get really mad & use yr anger to kick this destructive person out of yr life for good!!! (((hugs)))

Edited November 30, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn

[goldengirl86]

Anger is giving way to desperation now, like i want to call him and beg him to talk to me, text him and say im SORRY. i should never have said that i was letting him go and good luck in his life, because now he does not want anything to do with me.

 

And then i feel mad at the same time, because all those times i forgave him and he cant even forgive me once and just reply to a friggin message, Maybe he was manipulating me when he texted the other day, like he wanted to ditch me, but wanted be to obsolve his quilt.

 

Im writing this here so i dont say it too him (sorry if it does not make sense) and sounds really pathetic.

[LilMissMovinOn]

Anger is giving way to desperation now, like i want to call him and beg him to talk to me, text him and say im SORRY. i should never have said that i was letting him go and good luck in his life, because now he does not want anything to do with me.

 

And then i feel mad at the same time, because all those times i forgave him and he cant even forgive me once and just reply to a friggin message, Maybe he was manipulating me when he texted the other day, like he wanted to ditch me, but wanted be to obsolve his quilt.

 

Im writing this here so i dont say it too him (sorry if it does not make sense) and sounds really pathetic.

 

Again u posted here instead of calling him. Good!! Can u see that you're starting to get a grip? We all can even if these things do take some time.

 

Re-read everything u can find on 'traumatic bonding'. What you experience when you contact him feels like love but is not. Rather, it's traumatic bonding ie the most powerful & difficult to break form of (dysfunctional) attachment triggered by chemical reactions to his intermittant reinforcement which occurr in your brain. You are addicted to those chemicals & he is the drug you crave in order to release them. He is literally like crack cocaine to you ie an addiction you will need help to overcome.

 

You're getting there G.G. Be kind to yourself, acknowledge your wins & don't give up trying to maintain NC. It's your only way out. You have done a total 180 in terms of attudinal change in just a few short days & are doing really well (even though it may not feel this way to you). Sometimes it takes time for our behaviour to catch up with a new way of thinking. Keep trying & you will eventually succeed. (((hugs)))

Edited December 1, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn

[Saturn]

I have posted another thread for help but I just want to say thank you for mentioning traumatic bonding. I have never heard that term before and after googling it realised this is me! This will help me immensly when I go for counselling next week as I can now try to explain whats wrong with me.

 

I think if you have time it would be worth a thread starter as I bet a lot of women on here suffer from the same and the knowledge is def worth a pass on.

 

For the goldengirl who started this thread please please do as Miss says .. I would suggest a site called http://www.insideoutliving.org. There is a self help short questionaire on there... I answered yes to every single question!

 

Whilst its worrying to recognise, at least its a starting point. That we both were/had an attraction to people who are plainly emotionally dangerous needs addressing. You are young, you can do this but you need to stay away from this man. Fix the issues that bond you to this horrible man then you will be in a position to move forward. I whilst in a slightly different situation made a similar mistake so I am with you all the way, good luck x

Edited December 1, 2011 by Saturn

[LilMissMovinOn]

Ditto!

 

Your last post was an improvement goldengirl. The man is a piece of ****, unless he gets some serious help, he will always be a piece of ****. Stop letting him take you down with him. Just stop!

 

Hi LadyGrey . I'm with you on this. The only way to stop is to stop. It might not be quite so simple in a case like this though, from G.G's perspective, due to the complication of traumatic bonding. That this is G.G's first love makes it an even more difficult process. Although traumatic bonding is highly addictive / toxic it is possible to break the attachment with sustained NC, although numerous attempts at this may occurr, before this is achieved. This is not to say that breaking NC is 'OK' but more of a nod to the fact that for some, achieving this is a process.

 

To G.G: Nothing about what you are going through is stupid, dumb or any of those things. Keep reading the topics we've referred you to & your understanding will continue to grow. Remember too, that people from all walks of life experience these things. One of my former clients (who experienced it) was even a registrar (supervising Dr) of the Crisis Assessment Team for an entire region & a mental health ward at a local hospital! So, know you're not alone & don't give up giving him up!

Edited December 1, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn