The ex's wife's birthday

[lilyblue]

Just feeling sad. It's been 9 weeks since my ex disappeared on me. Eventually I found out that he went back to his ex-wife. It's her bday today and I just can't help but picture what a fun day they're having. It feels dumb to be so affected by it, but I am. I just feel so lonely and abandoned.

 

Day after Thanksgiving doesn't help either. He had talked so many times about spending it with my family. Feel so alone.

[mike588]

Just feeling sad. It's been 9 weeks since my ex disappeared on me. Eventually I found out that he went back to his ex-wife. It's her bday today and I just can't help but picture what a fun day they're having. It feels dumb to be so affected by it, but I am. I just feel so lonely and abandoned.

 

Day after Thanksgiving doesn't help either. He had talked so many times about spending it with my family. Feel so alone.

 

Oh God I feel for you,, you know my story and I feel your pain and what your going thru.

 

Do you want him back?

[lilyblue]

Thanks so much Mike. I appreciate your response knowing our similarities. I do want him back... He brought such fun to my life and I just feel such a huge void. Being around all the couples in my family all weekend hasn't helped either. I just keep thinking how much better it would be if he was here and I wasn't spending the whole weekend crying.

[mike588]

Thanks so much Mike. I appreciate your response knowing our similarities. I do want him back... He brought such fun to my life and I just feel such a huge void. Being around all the couples in my family all weekend hasn't helped either. I just keep thinking how much better it would be if he was here and I wasn't spending the whole weekend crying.

 

I wish I could take away all your pain because I know the feeling of having someone you love go back to an ex.

 

You just feel like you failed, he/she was better, why didn't he/she choose me, what's wrong with me, where did I fail etc. etc.,, Its' awful!

 

What your feeling is completely normal,, let it out, scream, cry all you need and just remember your not alone and you will get thru this a better person.

 

So you want him back and I'm sure your wondering if it will last,, I wish I had an answer for you.

 

If their problems/issues are not worked out then going back to an ex.is like going to the Frig. and taking out the milk and the milks bad,,would you put it back and hope it's better the next time?

 

Keep posting if you need.

[lilyblue]

"You just feel like you failed, he/she was better, why didn't he/she choose me, what's wrong with me, where did I fail etc. etc.,, Its' awful!"

 

Exactly. This man who had promised me so much and told me how I made him so happy just went and disappeared back to her. It's just hurtful on so many levels.

 

I'm not sure how any of this is making me a better person, but I suppose I hope so.

 

I'm very much wondering of its going to work out between them. Part of me doesn't see how it could. They seem like "spoiled milk" to me. I haven't seen her since they were divorced, but I don't see a change in him. Plus, they have already tried this once post-divorce.

[mike588]

"You just feel like you failed, he/she was better, why didn't he/she choose me, what's wrong with me, where did I fail etc. etc.,, Its' awful!"

 

Exactly. This man who had promised me so much and told me how I made him so happy just went and disappeared back to her. It's just hurtful on so many levels.

 

I'm not sure how any of this is making me a better person, but I suppose I hope so.

 

I'm very much wondering of its going to work out between them. Part of me doesn't see how it could. They seem like "spoiled milk" to me. I haven't seen her since they were divorced, but I don't see a change in him. Plus, they have already tried this once post-divorce.

 

I too was promised so many things and wonder myself if it will work between my ex. and her ex.,,especially her 2nd maybe 3rd time going back to him,,, sounds familier huh?

 

Best thing for you is to move on,, go or stay in N.C. let the relationship run it's course and see what happens,, don't wait on him to come back.

 

Use this time to heal and better yourself. So many people say "I wasted all that time" on him/her but it's never wasted time,, you learn,you grow from those expereinces.

[lilyblue]

Sounds very familiar. Do you think that if things ended she would try contacting you? I know this is not where my focus should be, but I wonder if things did end between them if he would be too much of a coward to even contact me again. Some part of me feels like I need to let him know I miss him in order to keep the door open. And then the logical part of me wonders what the hell I'm thinking!!

 

I've been mostly NC. I don't know what I'd call myself at first. As I'm sure you've read, I didn't ever get officially broken up with. So those first attempts at contact after he was "done" was assuming we were still together (I'm talking about the days immediately post-disappearance) and normal. I tried contacting him twice later, before I found out he was back with her. Last event was seeing him 2.5 weeks ago at a friend's bday. Nothing since then.

 

I guess I learned how much fun a relationship could be. That's a tough thing to learn when it's so quickly taken away.

 

I can't help but be hopeful their relationship will run it's course. I feel bad saying that, but it's so true.

[mike588]

Sounds very familiar. Do you think that if things ended she would try contacting you? I know this is not where my focus should be, but I wonder if things did end between them if he would be too much of a coward to even contact me again. Some part of me feels like I need to let him know I miss him in order to keep the door open. And then the logical part of me wonders what the hell I'm thinking!!

 

I've been mostly NC. I don't know what I'd call myself at first. As I'm sure you've read, I didn't ever get officially broken up with. So those first attempts at contact after he was "done" was assuming we were still together (I'm talking about the days immediately post-disappearance) and normal. I tried contacting him twice later, before I found out he was back with her. Last event was seeing him 2.5 weeks ago at a friend's bday. Nothing since then.

 

I guess I learned how much fun a relationship could be. That's a tough thing to learn when it's so quickly taken away.

 

I can't help but be hopeful their relationship will run it's course. I feel bad saying that, but it's so true.

 

I'm not sure if she will try to contact me or not. At 1st I hope and prayed she would but now I'm getting to the point where I hope she doesn't!

 

I know it would be a set back for me and delay my healing and the way she dumped me she might have so much guilt that she never would try!

 

She was so cruel! Part of me too wanted to let her know I still care (am I crazy) and maybe leave the door cracked open alittle if things didn't work out between them.

 

I've been in strict N.C. for over 3 months now and it really does help you heal.

 

I'd just do your best to move on and stay in N.C.,,, you owe him nothing, if he wants to contact you he will, don't give in and make him feel like your waiting on him or still affected by the breakup.

[mike588]

My ex. told me that her and her ex. never "offically" broke up. They had a big fight one day,and she told him to leave.

 

According to her he just left,,no talking about it or anything for the year we were together.

 

Wonder how much of that is true?

 

Well maybe I'm different but when your partner disappears without any contact for months,, a year then it's a breakup regardless if it's "official" or not!

[lilyblue]

My ex. told me that her and her ex. never "offically" broke up. They had a big fight one day,and she told him to leave.

 

According to her he just left,,no talking about it or anything for the year we were together.

 

Wonder how much of that is true?

 

Well maybe I'm different but when your partner disappears without any contact for months,, a year then it's a breakup regardless if it's "official" or not!

 

Well from that perspective, my ex and I are still together... And it is a very unfulfilling relationship

[lilyblue]

I'm not sure if she will try to contact me or not. At 1st I hope and prayed she would but now I'm getting to the point where I hope she doesn't!

 

I know it would be a set back for me and delay my healing and the way she dumped me she might have so much guilt that she never would try!

 

She was so cruel! Part of me too wanted to let her know I still care (am I crazy) and maybe leave the door cracked open alittle if things didn't work out between them.

 

I've been in strict N.C. for over 3 months now and it really does help you heal.

 

I'd just do your best to move on and stay in N.C.,,, you owe him nothing, if he wants to contact you he will, don't give in and make him feel like your waiting on him or still affected by the breakup.

 

Glad you're staring to feel better and moving forward. I'm hoping to, but doesn't seem to be happening yet. I know I don't owe him anything, he owes me! But I'm still at the point where I want to be open to it. Wish I could just move on.

[mike588]

Glad you're staring to feel better and moving forward. I'm hoping to, but doesn't seem to be happening yet. I know I don't owe him anything, he owes me! But I'm still at the point where I want to be open to it. Wish I could just move on.

 

You WILL in time! It doesn't happen overnight! If he wants to contact you he will regardless.

 

Please don't contact him,, let him contact you! In the mean time try to move on,, I know it's so much easier said than done,, that's all you can really do.

[lilyblue]

You WILL in time! It doesn't happen overnight! If he wants to contact you he will regardless.

 

Please don't contact him,, let him contact you! In the mean time try to move on,, I know it's so much easier said than done,, that's all you can really do.

 

I won't contact him tonight, I'd feel way too pathetic. Hopefully things are better tomorrow... Though I don't see that being the case. Thanks is much for your words of encouragement tonight. I wish I could be sure I'd hear from him again. I miss him as part of my life.

[mike588]

I won't contact him tonight, I'd feel way too pathetic. Hopefully things are better tomorrow... Though I don't see that being the case. Thanks is much for your words of encouragement tonight. I wish I could be sure I'd hear from him again. I miss him as part of my life.

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel!! If you ever want him to contact you then QUIT contacting him!!

 

You cant make him want to come back,stick with N.C.,let him miss you,how can he miss you if your always in the picture? N.C. helps you heal then the brokeness inside you will start healing.

 

It's a shame that love begins with a smile,grows with a kiss,and ends with a tear.

[lilyblue]

I wish I could be sure he did miss me. It seems like he would, we spent nearly every day together and there was no falling out. But I wish I could know. I wish I could be sure that not contacting him would mean that he would contact me, but I just fear it's more out of sight, out of mind.

[mike588]

I wish I could be sure he did miss me. It seems like he would, we spent nearly every day together and there was no falling out. But I wish I could know. I wish I could be sure that not contacting him would mean that he would contact me, but I just fear it's more out of sight, out of mind.

 

I can't say he misses you enough to come back but I'm sure he misses you in some ways,his ways.

 

I can say however that he hasn't forgotten you,NO WAY!! You just can't erase someone from your mind especially since you say you nearly spent every day together.

 

Knowing that,, he's not going to be out of your mind. If he wants to contact you he will,don't contact him, let him miss you,,he can't when your contacting him.

 

Love is one of the hardest things to say and one of the easiest things to hear.

[lilyblue]

It's funny how sometimes even hearing someone else say that he likely hasn't forgotten about me helps. Perspective becomes so skewed when you're wrapped up in the situation.

 

I've been reading old emails lately. At first I thought it would be hard, but in some ways it can be actually a little reassuring that I didn't miss all these huge red flags. He seemed genuine at the time, which makes me think he probably wasn't just able to forget.

[mike588]

It's funny how sometimes even hearing someone else say that he likely hasn't forgotten about me helps. Perspective becomes so skewed when you're wrapped up in the situation.

 

I've been reading old emails lately. At first I thought it would be hard, but in some ways it can be actually a little reassuring that I didn't miss all these huge red flags. He seemed genuine at the time, which makes me think he probably wasn't just able to forget.

 

No way he can forget!!

 

Missing you could turn my pain into pleasure ,if I knew you were missing me too.

[M2155]

The thing is, when you hear from them, there's a good chance it's not going to be what you want to hear. How are you going to feel then? You think it will make you feel better but I would be surprised if it brings you any long term satisfaction. You have a few weeks/months of honeymoon happiness- you hardly scratched the surface of bonding when the real realtionship kicks in- versus the years your ex has with this other person. You are just armed with less here because ex and the person they went back to also had those good times at one point + more. I don't want to be a drag but I thought everything you are thinking and it is going to drive you crazy until driving yourself crazy drives you crazy.

 

Your ex will not forget you. Do you forget your previous exes? I remember all of mine...and honestly I mostly remember the positive and what they added to my life. Your ex might even talk to you and act like everything is cool, but don't mistake that for still wanting a relationship with you. While you can't help but wish and wonder and hope, don't put your life on hold waiting for it.

 

None of us have a crystal ball though, anything could happen. There is nothing wrong with wanting and hoping, it's natural. But ultimately we have no choice but to focus on the things we can control.

Edited November 27, 2011 by M2155

[lilyblue]

The thing is, when you hear from them, there's a good chance it's not going to be what you want to hear. How are you going to feel then? You think it will make you feel better but I would be surprised if it brings you any long term satisfaction. You have a few weeks/months of honeymoon happiness- you hardly scratched the surface of bonding when the real realtionship kicks in- versus the years your ex has with this other person. You are just armed with less here because ex and the person they went back to also had those good times at one point + more. I don't want to be a drag but I thought everything you are thinking and it is going to drive you crazy until driving yourself crazy drives you crazy.

 

Your ex will not forget you. Do you forget your previous exes? I remember all of mine...and honestly I mostly remember the positive and what they added to my life. Your ex might even talk to you and act like everything is cool, but don't mistake that for still wanting a relationship with you. While you can't help but wish and wonder and hope, don't put your life on hold waiting for it.

 

None of us have a crystal ball though, anything could happen. There is nothing wrong with wanting and hoping, it's natural. But ultimately we have no choice but to focus on the things we can control.

 

That's true that there's a chance that it's not going to be what I want to hear, but I don't really know what I wouldn't want to hear.... I just want to hear something. I guess that he wants me as part of his life, whether that be friendship or more.

 

And yep, we were very early in the dating relationship, definitely still honeymoon phase, I agree. But we do have a long friendship that I would hope we could fall back on. He made me happy as a friend (and I believe the reverse is true). I know it's the same thing a lot of people here go through if the ex totally cuts them out, but it's just so hard to be completely cut out of someone's life who you have history with and enjoy so much. But it's definitely true that him and his ex have much more history.

 

It's funny that you say you mostly remember the positives of most relationships, I realized I do too - even the one who I though was a little crazy at the time. I totally downplay that in my head and he becomes a pleasant memory. That helps me a little, thanks.

 

That control issue has been a big one the whole time - I wish I could just MAKE him talk to me. I just feel so powerless and like he is in charge. I felt a little better after I made the choice to go to the bday party he was at - something I could choose to do. But ultimately in dealing with the situation he went silent and left me with nothing. I know there's nothing I can do about it, but it still drives me crazy.

 

Mike - do you mean that me contacting him would make it easier on him?

[mike588]

That's true that there's a chance that it's not going to be what I want to hear, but I don't really know what I wouldn't want to hear.... I just want to hear something. I guess that he wants me as part of his life, whether that be friendship or more.

 

And yep, we were very early in the dating relationship, definitely still honeymoon phase, I agree. But we do have a long friendship that I would hope we could fall back on. He made me happy as a friend (and I believe the reverse is true). I know it's the same thing a lot of people here go through if the ex totally cuts them out, but it's just so hard to be completely cut out of someone's life who you have history with and enjoy so much. But it's definitely true that him and his ex have much more history.

 

It's funny that you say you mostly remember the positives of most relationships, I realized I do too - even the one who I though was a little crazy at the time. I totally downplay that in my head and he becomes a pleasant memory. That helps me a little, thanks.

 

That control issue has been a big one the whole time - I wish I could just MAKE him talk to me. I just feel so powerless and like he is in charge. I felt a little better after I made the choice to go to the bday party he was at - something I could choose to do. But ultimately in dealing with the situation he went silent and left me with nothing. I know there's nothing I can do about it, but it still drives me crazy.

 

Mike - do you mean that me contacting him would make it easier on him?

 

You CAN'T make him talk to you or love you, that has to come from them. I'm in the same boat wth you when it comes to having a past friendship with my ex.

 

My ex. and I were friends many,many years ago before we reconnected,,we were both so comfortable starting and during the relationship beause of that.

 

We both talked about how "neat" is was reconnecting,,, like a fairy tale almost then Wham,back to the ex.

 

Even though we had that and she threw away the "old friendship" and the new relationship.

 

I have no desire to be her friend at this time,,to much pain still. In my opinion you contacting him will NOT make it easier on him,, remember they are carrying some if not alot of guilt for their action/s and dumping someone for an ex. is terrible.

 

I'm sure that's one of several reasons my ex. has not contacted me,, in my case Major Guilt from her for what she did and she's happy now,, she;s putting all her effort into him/them and it's not that she has forgotten me,,or doesn't care ,I'm not the priority in her life at this time.

[M2155]

If you're honest with yourself, you know exactly what you want to hear and that's not gonna be it. You will feel this way for a while but it might be for the best that you don't hear from him. I contacted my ex a couple weeks in and felt better right away but totally regretted it afterward. He said he was confused and we would always be friends. So it was at least a goodbye (sort of) and I was relieved, but it didn't make me feel better. It made me feel like I had accepted it so now he can feel better about how cowardly he acted and go about his merry way with a clean conscious. Also whatever you do hear, will likely lead to more wondering and questions on your part. There is always one more thing we want to say.

 

You know how they always say you "ruin" a friendship by getting involved? Well you have something different now and you can't turn back until a lot of time has passed. Besides how great will your friendship be when you still have feelings for him (and that will make you miserable) and he can't be too friendly with you because he doesn't want you to get the wrong idea or upset his current relationship? Friendship is a possiblity for the future, but that's now what the two of you have at this moment.

 

This is a power-less feeling situation, absolutely. It's okay to be hurt, to mourn and be sad but it's up to you to "take back the power" and not play victim thinking you can only be happy with this person- that is giving him power. You have to realize you have a life to live and if he chose not to be in it, that's his problem, not yours (that's my rah rah for the day;)).

 

I'm thinking that Mike means if you contact him, he doesn't have to make a decision to act on his feelings if he wants you. It's like ok she'll be around. To get back with you, he would have to break another woman's heart too, that's something he needs to be willing to do, not just be in a position to have his cake and eat it too (by being fun and friendly with you but staying with her). Which he could have done, so we'll give him credit for that.

Edited November 27, 2011 by M2155

[carhill]

Yep, that sucks. The holidays can be one big vortex anyway, but historical milestone days with one's ex can put an especially dark spin upon it. That said, we have choices. Accepting how we feel and acting to move forward in a positive way.

 

Last year, for example, my D was final about a month prior to Thanksgiving and my mom had died about a month prior to that. So, accepting that things felt pretty shytey, I accepted an invitation from some friends on the other side of the country to join them for Thanksgiving. I just got back from there again yesterday after having a wonderful time. New thoughts, new feelings, new 'traditions'. The old is there, valid and relevant, but it doesn't have to rule. Life is imperfect.

 

TBH, I have a hard time remembering when my exW's BD is and I gave her my all on it for a decade. That's what moving on is like. Best wishes to you on your journey.

[lilyblue]

We both talked about how "neat" is was reconnecting,,, like a fairy tale almost then Wham,back to the ex.

 

Even though we had that and she threw away the "old friendship" and the new relationship.

 

I have no desire to be her friend at this time,,to much pain still. In my opinion you contacting him will NOT make it easier on him,, remember they are carrying some if not alot of guilt for their action/s and dumping someone for an ex. is terrible.

 

I'm sure that's one of several reasons my ex. has not contacted me,, in my case Major Guilt from her for what she did and she's happy now,, she;s putting all her effort into him/them and it's not that she has forgotten me,,or doesn't care ,I'm not the priority in her life at this time.

 

Same here - we talked all the time (actually mostly he brought it up) about how great it was that our timing had finally worked out. He was in a good spot, I was single, etc, etc. Lies!! He wasn't in as good of a spot as it seemed.

 

I don't know if it helps you, but it does help me a little to think that they at least feel guilty. They better.

[lilyblue]

If you're honest with yourself, you know exactly what you want to hear and that's not gonna be it. You will feel this way for a while but it might be for the best that you don't hear from him. I contacted my ex a couple weeks in and felt better right away but totally regretted it afterward. He said he was confused and we would always be friends. So it was at least a goodbye (sort of) and I was relieved, but it didn't make me feel better. It made me feel like I had accepted it so now he can feel better about how cowardly he acted and go about his merry way with a clean conscious. Also whatever you do hear, will likely lead to more wondering and questions on your part. There is always one more thing we want to say.

 

You know how they always say you "ruin" a friendship by getting involved? Well you have something different now and you can't turn back until a lot of time has passed. Besides how great will your friendship be when you still have feelings for him (and that will make you miserable) and he can't be too friendly with you because he doesn't want you to get the wrong idea or upset his current relationship? Friendship is a possiblity for the future, but that's now what the two of you have at this moment.

 

This is a power-less feeling situation, absolutely. It's okay to be hurt, to mourn and be sad but it's up to you to "take back the power" and not play victim thinking you can only be happy with this person- that is giving him power. You have to realize you have a life to live and if he chose not to be in it, that's his problem, not yours (that's my rah rah for the day;)).

 

I'm thinking that Mike means if you contact him, he doesn't have to make a decision to act on his feelings if he wants you. It's like ok she'll be around. To get back with you, he would have to break another woman's heart too, that's something he needs to be willing to do, not just be in a position to have his cake and eat it too (by being fun and friendly with you but staying with her). Which he could have done, so we'll give him credit for that.

 

Ok you're right in that I know what my "ideal" would be that I wanted to hear, but I think there are many things on the spectrum that would be better than the current state.

 

And I know what you mean about feeling better right away, that happened to me right after I emailed him in the beginning. I think it was more that I didn't think he could be so callous to completely ignore me, so I figured that would finally be the time I would hear something. So wrong. And then I was left more disappointed. And you're right, there is ALWAYS one more thing to say later. Although the email I sent him I did hold onto for two weeks before I sent it, so I was fairly content with it.

 

I might be thinking naievely, but friendship doesn't seem so out of reach. We spent a lot more time as friends than we did in a relationship. I feel like I could turn back ok... although maybe that is pure delusion. But you're right that time would only help the chances of friendship actually working. And I will fully admit that we can't be friends (as much as I would want to) while he is in a relationship with her. If she was worried about him cheating on her with me before (which was not happening in the slightest) then neither one of them could allow that if their relationship has any chance at working.

 

Thanks for the rah rah I'm having a hard time finding the power and this whole situation has definitely thrown me, but this place (especially you and Mike) have been so supportive, I appreciate it.