DevonX Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 I have what seems to be a major dilemma. If anyone has advice or foresight to lend I’d greatly appreciated it. Kind of recently I got married, to a wonderful person...but...prior to getting married I always knew there were a few, but very important things that were missing from our relationship. Things I felt I needed to maintain a relationship. But...everything else was great...great person, caring, nice family, same background, I felt security, etc etc etc. But the part that was missing was always a nagging feeling. Trust me over the course of the relationship I was diplomatically vocal about them. For that’s what a healthy relationship is. Needless to say - I did call the wedding off a few months prior to it, for I still felt doubt and I explained exactly why I was unhappy and had doubt and didn't want to get married at that point- and after a lot of back and forth discussions...ultimately we decided to get married. Friends of mine knew me better than I did, and said “I hope you know what your doing”. I thought I did. About a month ago...I happen to meet up with someone from my past – (we’ll call him The Buddy) that was buddies with an ex-boyfriend of mine and still is. We all hung out together (yes I'm still on friendly terms with my ex and my husband knows this). We re-hashed, fun times etc. YET! I felt a very strong attraction to my ex's Buddy. It smacked me in the face that night we all hung out- we flirted big-time – in a very demure way. But it was so palpable…I could feel the major attraction between us. Now mind you- the fact that I’m married is a well know subject for all parties. After that night..I actually saw them again…(my ex and his buddy)- a week later...met for a drink and still the attraction - but I thought to myself- what am I feeling here..this is ridiculous and continued mainly talking to my ex. Me and the Buddy after a while ignored each other or were really sarcastic towards one another. I went home afterwards and that was that. Never saw them again....until!......About two weeks ago....I get a phone message from "the Buddy" from my ex’s phone, stating "what are you up to- were going out- give so and so (my ex) a call". I found it strange. But, I was intrigued….and I called much later on and spoke to my ex and said I'm not sure if I'm going to go out but I'll let you know later. (A moment of clarification - I do have a tendency to go out on a whim with friends and depending on what my husband is up to - he's usually ok with it). Ok...back to that night....turns out I decided to call my ex later on and say ok what’s going on, are you going out? I might be up to going. My ex said he wasn't up to going out anymore, was tired etc. I said ok - cool. Not a minute later, the Buddy then calls me and said "So I hear we're going out". One thing led to another and (I really thought my ex changed his mind and we were all going out)...but it turns out he didn’t. I ended up picking up the "Buddy" and we went out together. Needless to say we had a very good time. Turns out too good of a time. The day after next- I called the Buddy, because I couldn’t get him out of my mind and what do you know....he wanted to see me. Right then and there. And off I went to see him- in fact I couldn’t wait.. Make a long story short...we've hung out practically everyday for a little over two weeks now ....and in those two weeks, the Buddy and I realized we have alot in common, we have a very innate strong connection!, we're so attracted to each other... (not just physical either) we have similar interests, we even share some idiosyncrasies, we remarked on how we both never felt this way before....it was like a freight train hit both of us.... We’d sit around talking for hours about everything! (Yes I had the capacity to spend "hours" away from home). Anyway, it was like out of a movie- the feelings etc etc.. (I've never felt that way with anyone!) And I got the same feedback from him- so it wasn't just me feelings these things...He concurred and even mentioned alot of his feelings first. Basically we were falling for each other.....hard. All this time- I'm grappling with the fact - I'm married...and I've always wanted what I feel with the Buddy, to be felt with my husband – or with anyone for that matter but it never did and doesn't. And I'm not talking about "the newness” feeling of the relationship stage either. I know about that beginning stage in relationships. So…..I'm beside myself at this point - saying to myself..I can't believe I found a person who is sooooooooo on-point with what I want on so many levels that are important to me. Whom I feel (we both felt)- so close to – like we knew each other for so long. The whole thing is downright eerie! Well….the other day - I had been told by the "Buddy" that somehow my ex suspected we were hanging out, and the ex casually mentioned something about me to him. I believe from that point the Buddy got wigged out and when we hung out that same day the ex mentioned me, he said I can't do this to my friend and he wouldn't want anyone dating his ex-girlfriends etc etc. That was his major point of view. Plus point blank he told me that he wanted to be with me all the time! but I had a whole other life…. (cause I'm married) and didn't want to get hurt. I practically died inside. Even though of course it all made sense. And in some remote fashion – I respected him for that- for that means he’s a stand-up guy (plus he doesn’t want to get hurt). So I say to myself - why did you (meaning he) allow yourself then to get caught up as much as you did in it then???? Why reveal all these feelings you have for me and then me for you- and....BAM......that’s it. So...now...as it stands….after some discussion between us.. we'll be "friends". He refuses to “go there” with me anymore. Meaning act more than just a friend. He has basically put up a wall. Which I know is a defense mechanism against getting hurt..I do understand and respect this…..but it kills me ! I hate it that, I know that I could never 1) be with the "Buddy" 2) I'm not even distraught over my infidelity and I feel like I shouldn’t be married! My husband doesn't deserve someone who just loves him and who is not IN love with him. I've felt that for a while already. I know no one is perfect and the Buddy could have a million faults I don’t know about--- but how can you deny such a strong bond with someone…such a connection that you’ve never felt before in your over 30 some odd years….....and brush it under the rug....without driving yourself crazy? (I’m spiritual and believe in karma and reasons for things happening). Anyway….there is literally nothing we can do about it. I'm married- & there’s the issue of my ex that was mentioned and now all that’s left is to go back to "the normal" every day ...knowing that ..I could have possibly met someone that is more compatible for me. And that's an understatement. I don't know what to do....I have spoken to friends and they say everything happens for a reason. Also they mention that I told you so….You never had that “feeling” for your husband from the get go- and you know you needed more……..Well getting back to things happening for a reason…..Yea...reason 1) I know I shouldn't be or have gotten married if I had doubts…. and 2) What? Meeting someone whom I connected with on such an amazingly unheard of level (we both felt it) …..and ultimately I can't have (like some cruel joke), or maybe could have a chance with - if I wasn't married? How is that soemthing that was meant. What lesson is in that? I already know I had reservations about beng married. I know it's possible to "get over" the thoughts of the Buddy....but after what I experienced with him, IT'S SO HARD to make believe it didn’t happen. I hardly think leaving one person for another is right to do- and I don’t want to do this – nor plan to. Also- I really can’t see myself- working it out with my husband. Cause I’ve been there- done that- tried to work it out and ultimately– he is who he is – I cannot change anyone..except myself – which I have but so what – never helped. I do enjoy being in a relationship with someone. I’m not wanting to go off and get divorced and start dating. I would still be the “not-100%-happily-married-person-“ but thought I found-the-best-and- dealt-with-it person – had I not met up with this guy- and have such feelings manifest. Mind you, I need to state this….. the Buddy and I never slept together. (Thank g-d, and I say this cause the feeling would be so much worse -which I can’t imagine.) Even if in a dream world ----if I’d break up with my husband, cause obviously it wasn’t meant to be….and subsequently managed to meet up with the Buddy again….how do I know that my association with the ex won’t hinder everything still? I mean it’s been a few good years since we dated – it’s not like it was yesterday. My thoughts are all jumbled and I might be going off on a tangent – but these are things on my mind…and I really don’t know what to do. I’m so torn….I feel like jumping out my skin. The way the Buddy and I felt about each other does not happen everyday- or even at all in a lifetime….How do you then cope or manage “your life” as you know it? HOW DO YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM or stop wanting to be with them? I'm at a loss with how to deal with this....or not deal with it.....Help! Please! Thanks.
johan Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 One bad decision after another. Married the "wrong" guy. Let someone else interfere with your marriage. Lied. Cheated. Let yourself "fall" for someone else. Take control. Figure out what you want your life to be, and then start living it. You're screwing with people's feelings. There are 4 people involved who all care to some extent, and because you lack self control, you're messing with all of them. Are you an adult or what? You got hit by a freight train because you walked onto the tracks and stood there and let it hit you.
Wolvesbaned Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 DevonX, You said yourself, you husband deserves someone that loves him. In your own admission, you feel you've brushed paths with someone you're incredibly connected with. What are you waiting for? You're not ready for a long-term commitment. What you did is not fair to everyone involved, but not sleeping with your buddy is a good thing. Your choices: 1) Divorce your husband. He deserves more. 2) Divorce your husband. You deserve more. Although you admitted that your husband doesn't deserve this, you on the other hand are pinpointing your reasons for wanting more --in a man you barely met, putting all your eggs into one basket of sorts. What happens if your assumptions are wrong --if it is just the beginning of a relationship that's added the magic. You are married and he is your ex's friend, that does add an essence of taboo that can help spark the senses. What happens when you two start sharing "real life" together --the tedious, unromantic details that fill the day-to-day? Are you positively sure that you won't eventually find it mundane? Although he's your perfect soul mate in your mind now, he does have faults that only seem to pop-up with time. What if his bads outweigh his goods, somehow? Can you honestly say you won't regret leaving your husband if he doesn't turn out to be "the one". With that I'll follow with your husband deserving more. You obviously aren't in love with him. Why not do the noble thing and just talk to him about it? Work it out if he's willing to. Tell him what's happened, see how he deals with it. He might surprise you. You believe in karma, so I'm assuming that if he felt this way for another woman, you'd want to know. Be honest with him, he deserves that and it'll help you deal with what's going on. It's the noble thing to do. The two of you can deal with it from there. 3) Take time to really know what you want in life. You can do this on your own (being single) or with your husband. But this is close to impossible with all the distractions of another man. But it's definitely nessessary. 4) After the divorce, work it out with your buddy. If the two of you decide on divorce, if you're really up to it you can try to pursue a relationship with your buddy. He'll most likely look at you more favorably for divorcing and would think twice about his loyalties with your ex after your "sacrifice". But it might not work out, actually the odds are against you. I don't have the reference but the percentage of just divorced people having a long-term commitment with another person shortly after the divorce is extremely low. Actually just getting over a divorce is supposed to take about a year. Do the right thing, tell your husband. Figure out what's best for both of you. Don't assume he's better without you or you without him without discussing and disclosing everything. Set things right by truth.
bluechocolate Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 In my opinion it all stems from getting married despite your nagging feelings. I'm sure your friends told you that too. You could have met your buddy, the boy next door or the little girl down the lane. It doesn't really matter what came next, your marriage was going to fail regardless.
doubledown Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 I'm so sick of hearing this same story. Women are so insecure, first they get married ASAP to keep up with their friends, and as a way to control who's allowed to flirt with them. Then, they string along the poor sap that that married them because they're afraid to be single, that dreaded awful word single. Then they come to chat rooms and cry because life is so unfair to them. Get over it lady! Get a divorce and let you husband find someone he can trust, who's happy to be with him. In the meantime go back to dating scene and be more selective next time before you screw up someone else's life. Marriage isn't meant to be a safety blanket until you find the one who is really meant for you, that's what dating is for. Grow up!
azgirl Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Damn, doubledown! You tell her. Not to pick on you, lady but I agree. I think your first and biggest mistake was marrying your husband knowing full well that something was missing. It's a shame when people do things like this to people they "care" about. And you know what? I, too, have been in a relationship with someone that I cared deeply for but just didn't feel that spark with. You know what I did??? I broke up with him so that he could go out there and find someone who felt the same way about him as he does about her because I was not that person. I did NOT marry him. Could have. But didn't. And I also know about meeting someone that you connect with on so many levels. I found that, too and right now he's is kicking me right in the teeth! So be careful. People change and sometimes down the road you find out their true selves and it is not what you expected. Step one, however, is to get a divorce!
Miss_Prolixity Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Double, It sounds like you've been through a few castastrophic relationships yourself. But it's not fair to generalize all women into one category. There's many women who are secure and marry. As for DevonX, the advice Wolvesbaned gave hit the nail on the head. Couldn't have said it any better myself.
tattoomytoe Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 wow..it sounds like me...but in the pre-marriage stage! and i do not have a buddy per-say. i empathize!
She's Come Undone Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Some really beneficial advice here. And as a 30 y/o single mother, I have to say kudo's to Double for speaking his mind an being on target with not all, but many, women. I myself have had opportunity to marry, but I refuse to settle. If one thing is missing from a relationship that I know will prove crucial to it's longevity, I back away. So you made a mistake, or two, how about try to fix them before the pity party starts to overwhelm you. You can do it! At least if you walk away, you walk away of knowing exactly what it is you want the next time. Not a bad lesson learned.
She's Come Undone Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 And by the way...I loved johan's advice and particular statement so much I made it my signature!
WomenAreNuts Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Originally posted by doubledown I'm so sick of hearing this same story. Women are so insecure, first they get married ASAP to keep up with their friends, and as a way to control who's allowed to flirt with them. Then, they string along the poor sap that that married them because they're afraid to be single, that dreaded awful word single. Then they come to chat rooms and cry because life is so unfair to them. Get over it lady! Get a divorce and let you husband find someone he can trust, who's happy to be with him. In the meantime go back to dating scene and be more selective next time before you screw up someone else's life. Marriage isn't meant to be a safety blanket until you find the one who is really meant for you, that's what dating is for. Grow up! Well said doubledown....i cast this woman off into the sea of life ruiners...marriage is sacred in my eyes.
moimeme Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 cause obviously it wasn’t meant to be Well duh. It's not that it 'wasn't meant to be', it's that reluctance to get married is a real good clue that you oughtn't be getting married. Now as for your theory that it wasn't 'meant to be' - bullfeathers. People aren't built to only fall for one human in their lives - if we were, we'd never continue the species because that one human might live in Sri Lanka and we'd not meet them. See, here's the thing. You rhapsodize thus: the Buddy and I realized we have alot in common, we have a very innate strong connection!, we're so attracted to each other... (not just physical either) we have similar interests, we even share some idiosyncrasies, we remarked on how we both never felt this way before Now, IF everybody who ever felt/said that subsequently ended up in a lifetime partnership of love and joy, maybe these feelings of yours would be something to trust and follow. However, do a little reading on this board or on any other relationship forum there is. You will find millions of stories that start out "at first (x) and I realized we had alot in common, we had a very innate strong connection!, we were so attracted to each other... (not just physical either) we had similar interests, we even shared some idiosyncrasies, we remarked on how we both never felt this way before but now those feelings are gone. We fight all the time and yesterday (X) said (she/he) is leaving. " Then you say: And I'm not talking about "the newness” feeling of the relationship stage either. I know about that beginning stage in relationships. Well. That's not true because you also say you never felt before in your over 30 some odd years and therefore you don't know about "the newness" feeling of the relationship stage. You've described it perfectly. Now here's another thought for you. People in arranged marriages start out just like you and your husband - they aren't 'in love' but very often they grow to love each other deeply. It may well be that he is the best man for you and, if you put a little effort in, you can 'fall' for him. Read <removed> But if you can't find enough good things about your husband to make you think he's worth keeping, do divorce him and allow him to find someone else. And realize that this new relationship may well crash and burn spectacularly for you, as it has for millions before you and will for millions more.
julieg Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 devon, listen to the "take heed" replies. as someone who has had something in common with every aspect of this dilemma here is what i have to say. i too could have married several guys before my husband. after dating over 40 different men before marrying my husband (i was 30yrs he was 34) of 12 years there is so much more to think about. integrity, loyalty, dedication, intelligence, sense of humor as well as what you describe you have wi th your buddy. dont forget the big picture: will your husband make a good father, is he family oriented, does he let you be you. sometimes someone who is different is better long term as long as you complement each other and have the same goals in life. a friend of mine married her "soul mate" . they have the most envious connection for the first few years of marriage and dating. they thought alike, loved the same outdoor activities, vacations philosophies etc. then the children came and responsibility. his character was tested and the marriage failed. i personally would have a hard time watching a man i was interested in breaking another woman's world apart for my benefit. what does your buddy think of you giving up on your marriage??
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