Lonely Lover Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 My ex and I are taking a low-contact break for a couple months, with the intent of seeing if we should give ourselves another chance or cut our losses. This time to myself is really making me look at his relationship with his ex, which I've always felt uncomfortable with and never could explain to him why. Can you share your opinions on their relationship, and tell me if I have a reason to be so uncomfortable? He dated this woman for over a decade. She cheated on him 8 years in, and a year later moved across the country for work. They tried to make it work, but after a couple years of LDR and fighting, they split up. I came into the picture very shortly after their breakup (big mistake, I know). They fought like crazy for the first several months we were dating. He even left my house one night while we were watching a movie to answer her phone call, and said he had a screaming argument with her for about 2 hours. After 3 months of us dating, she proposed to him, and offered to move back to our city to be with him. He said no, but it made him pull back from me for quite a while. Back to them fighting. They kept trying to be friends, but it never worked. We broke up after a year of dating (he never would say he loved me, we dated in secrecy, and he never considered me his "girlfriend"). We got back together a month later, with promises that he wanted to be serious with me. Two weeks after that, his ex got sick and he decided he needed to fly across the country to take care of her. I begged him not to go but he went anyway, and we broke up over it. A couple months later, we tried again. He and the ex kept trying to be friends, she even sent him some gifts and cards (which he never told me about, I found them in his house, signed "kisses"), but it always ended in fighting. They stopped talking to each other for several months, by her decision. It drove him crazy, he felt it was "unnatural" and "unhealthy" to suddenly be cut out of the life of someone who had been so close to him for so long. They started talking again a couple months ago, but it was still filled with anger. He has always kept his "friendship" with her very secret ("so I didn't worry"); everything I know has come out while we were fighting or making up. He's always said she knew about me but didn't like that he was dating someone else already, and was very angry at him for that. So please no suggestions of trying being friends with this woman, she has no desire (and neither do I honestly). He has made it very clear that this is his private friendship, and if she doesn't want to get to know me, she never will have to. Now on the break between us, he flew to visit her. He told me he was going to try to end the spitefulness and figure out a way to be friends with this woman. Before he left he said he would never do anything to try to jeopardize his chances with me, and that I should trust him not to "cheat" (even though we're on a break, and we acknowledged either of us could sleep with anyone if we so desired). My thing is: I do trust that he won't have sex with this girl. Really. But I feel like this huge level of energy he puts into her (positive or negative) is very unhealthy and destroys any chance we could have of a relationship together. He just doesn't understand my point of view, and thinks I'm being very insecure and jealous. Am I being so unreasonable?
FitChick Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 He is a drama queen. He feeds on this stuff. It's exciting. Cut your losses unless you are a drama queen, too. In that case, it's a match made in heaven.
MontanaGirl Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 Oh LL, you know the cliche, "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference?" It sounds like this guy will do anything to be in this other woman's life, even risk losing you. If you don't just walk away right now (the best choice), stay "low contact" long enough that he and the ex figure out what they mean to each other and can settle into it (ie friends, friendly, or out of each other's lives for good--or dating again, which seems likely). This will take MONTHS, if not years. And then if they don't get together, you should wait to start anything with him until you trust that they have it figured out and he won't throw you aside for a chance to be with her. The trust will take a very long time to build, because from my perspective he's been having an EA with his ex for the ENTIRE time you've dated him. He'll beg for you back before then, he'll keep telling you that you're being irrationally insecure (you aren't), but don't budge until he gets his **** figured out. He sounds like a jerk to me, but if you think it's meant to be, it'll have the best chance of working if he's not still obsessed with his ex. Oh and sorry, because I'm sure you're hoping this weekend will be the end of it, but I'll bet that this little trip of his will end with them either hating each other even more or sleeping together (or both). The level of tension you described isn't released with a calm talk over tea.
Author Lonely Lover Posted November 27, 2011 Author Posted November 27, 2011 I am feeling even more miserable today. My ex boarded his dogs at a kennel. I offered to take them to the park with mine in the mornings, so they could get outside a bit. Besides, our dogs have played together every day since they were pups; they've really missed each other since we went NC. The kennel he found was terrible, really bad (it was all that was available over the holiday weekend). Both days I've taken them to the park, they reeked of urine and feces, and the kennel even admits they haven't been eating or sleeping. So I've started "busting them out" first thing in the morning, bathing them, feeding them, and not returning them to the kennel until right before the kennel's closing hour. I sent a picture of them to my ex with a brief text updating him (NO relationship stuff, whatsoever, just dog), and didn't hear back from him all day. I can't help but a) feel hurt he doesn't bother to respond; and b) wonder what the hell they are doing that takes ALL of his attention.
Recommended Posts