Told her I had cancer, then she dumped me. Followup!

[harvej]

Thank all of you who provided comfort for me over the last week. For those of you reading this, in a nutshell, my girlfriend of 5 years left me the day after telling her I was diagnosed with cancer. Her excuse was that she was over us, before I told her..... Funny that she forgot that she mentioned that she wished she could move in with me the week before.

She hasa 10 year daughter already in therapy because she display the same traits and her mother already.

 

She is already spending the night with another man 3 days later, whom she had a client from her massage practice. He has been waiting in the wings for us to break up,so I guess he gets what he wants and a lot more! I have not heard from her since.

 

This woman cheated on me at least 3 x , and showed no remorse for anything ever, including not caring when my father passed. In fact, she was cheating on me during that time too. I had become more obsessed on trying to figure out what kind of woman would behave this way vs the pain of being duped and dumped. I found out later that she would also try to steal married men on a routine basis, even when the wives befriended her and helped her with her life and bills. Anyway, another poster suggested that she might have Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism. I knew she was clinically bi-polar, but the other disorders put everything into perspective. She mirrored the following disorder I pasted below to a tee! I think I have my answer now, and will watch out for this type of person as long as i live. I may have dodged a huge bullet! The link takes you to a site that outlines a lack of "empathy" in women and how it destroys relationshsips. She has ruined every relationship I know of and and I noted all along that she had no interest in my businesses, helath, birthday, (she forgot my B day all 5 years in a row, but had list of thinsg she wanted for her birthday crammed down my throat.) family, interest etc.. She was just interested in her own.

 

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/lack-of-empathy.html

(Pasted from Mayo Clinic)BPD patients may also be uncertain about their identity or self-image. They tend to see things in terms of extremes, either all good or all bad. They also typically view themselves as victims of circumstance and take little responsibility for themselves or their problems.

Other symptoms include:

• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
  
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
  
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
  
• Intolerance of being alone
  
• Recurrent acts of crisis such as wrist cutting, overdosing, or self-injury (such as cutting)
  

[yello243]

Hi there! Hope everything works out for the best, stay positive and be glad she is gone you dont need a person like that dragging you down, specially now. you want positive people around you who will give you their support and love, not someone who will only bring headaches and heartache, be thankful, if in 5 years she did not change in 7 years she wont change either. Don't try to figure her out, don't spend that energy that she obviously does not deserve to have from you on her. Focus on you and everything will be okay. It seems she caused more damage than good i mean c'mon 5 years and she didnt even consider your birthday? You deserve way better

[Downtown]

Harvej, I'm sorry to hear that you got a stage 2 cancer diagnosis. For most cancer types, you likely have caught it early enough that you can kill it with aggressive treatments. I had stage 4 cancer (SCC) and did 8 months of aggressive treatment. That was 13 years ago and I'm doing fine.

 

As to the BPD traits, if you want to read more about what it is like to live with a typical BPDer, you may want to take a look at my discussion of such traits in Pat's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3736365#post3736365. My exW is a BPDer. Take care, Harvej.

[harvej]

I appreciate the words of encouragement. I am feeling a little bit better but still reeling from my break up. Not so much the person but the way she didit it, and with not a shred of empathy. I will fight the good fight in focus on my health and stay close to those around me pet care for me. I have a feeling that her mother is going to drag her over to my house. I like her mother but its for daughter could I have an issue with. How would you handle it if they show up at my door? What would you say? I am certain that I would never take her back under any condition, so she's already sleeping with another man

I doubt i wouldthe even let her in the door. I

the

[Downtown]

How would you handle it if they show up at my door? What would you say?

If your W has strong traits of BPD and is refusing to seek treatment, I would not let her back in the house if you can legally keep her out. Letting her back in will not be safe, in that case, because she almost certainly will throw a temper tantrum. You may end up arrested on a bogus charge, as I was when my BPDer exW went into a rage and then called the police. If you have any questions about the post I cited above, I would be glad to discuss it with you.

[Desensitized]

Harvej,

As someone that has been with someone with BPD (my ex-fiancee) I can relate. If your ex showed the symptoms of BPD, it is possible she has it. It's not a very fun disorder to deal with, is it? While I won't bash people with BPD, just know that they are very sad people on the inside and need help. They also don't realize the consequences of their actions and as a result, they end up hurting the people that are the closest to them. BPDers will constantly jump from partner to partner to escape the pain that they are experiencing, but they will eventually have to face that pain and they end up just hiding it, which is one of the reasons why they act the way they do.

 

It's been almost a year since my ex-fiancee and I have split, and I am still sort of upset for all of the pain she put me through. However, I am learning to forgive her and move on. The opposite of love isn't hate, but it is indifference. I'm not saying that you should forgive her and try to reconcile or be her friend (as you can't really trust a BPDer) but you should forgive her for your sake so you can move on. Forgiving her was the hardest think I ever did, but trust me, it does help so much in moving on.

 

You will find someone so much better than her and the beauty of it is, you never know when that will be! Just be thankful that she's out of your life, because you probably would've ended up going crazy too! I know I started to become a bit crazy after being with my ex for a while. I'm glad I was able to shrug it off, though, and I started to see a counselor, which has helped immensely.

 

Take care, harvej, and know that things can only go up from here

[iPhone]

Oh Lord, that is something else.

 

I specialize in psychology. There is no doubt she has a lack of empathy. The question is, what is it associated with?

 

Here is what I would tell you, based on the most initial information:

 

A). Anti-Social Personality Disorder (aka, sociopath)

 

B). Autistic

 

 

As for her having borderline personality disorder, did she cut herself? Self-mutilation in any way, burning herself, etc? If she was just overly sexual (aka cheating), I would lean more towards histrionic personality disorder, but more than anything I'd say sociopathic and/or possibly having a branch of the autism spectrum.

 

My God, though, if I were you I'd celebrate that she's gone. As for her daughter, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Too bad that kid couldn't have been adopted away from her mother young. Genetics + environmental exposure to a mom like that = disastrous future. The kid could rise above her mom, but her mom certainly has initially set the odds against the daughter greatly.

Edited November 26, 2011 by iPhone

[harvej]

She did burn herself!!!!!! What a day I noticed she had marks on her wrist. I ask her how she got them. She said that she took a knife and held it over her stove , and then held it against her wrist. She has about6 burn marks. She Also said every time she cheated on me , She thought that we were technically broken up. With my father was dying from cancer she showed no empathy at all. She forgot my birthday every year. Which is broke up with methe she blame me for everything. I didn't argue with her I just let her talk . I left. She is now shacked up with the new guy everyday since tellin me. I have not heard a word from her and now I feel I just cannot deal with her anymore. I truly believe even with no contact I will never hear from this woman for the rest of my life. I think that is how sociopath operate. The new guy offers her a ready made house family unit and I think she can fake her love until she falls in love. I knew something was wrong with her that is why I never let her move in with me when she asked repeatedly. Other then that she just seemed to not have very much class in public settings. Was your fiance like this? Did sheyou literally just disappear without any feelings? I expected a call asking how I was doing health wise at least. Nothing over thanksgiving not a word since. Would you say social path or borderline personality disorder? A short cuts in healing? I have already forgiven myself, but I feel a lot of pain and depression and even a little jealous for some reason? I should be thrilled but I'm not. I don't want to demonize her but I'm getting really really angry at her for the way she did this. So personally behavior disorder or sociopath? So you think I dodged a bullet?

[harvej]

I have a small screen PDA and bad eyesight.

[harvej]

First, let me thank you for the most articluate post regarding BPD I have ever seen. I wanted to ask your opinion so I know at what level her BPD was and other mental illnesses.

 

1. Many past partners who were jobless losers and druggies.

2. When she cheated on me, she blamed me. Always saying she thought we were broken up because of a fight. No remorse.

3. Did not seem to care when her ex boyfried father died, nor my own. in fact, she was starting to cheat with another man when I was traveling back to his hospice care. This other man was jobless and had previously been married 4 times. I cant undertand why she chose these types. I had two good jobs and business and great house, cars and stock/investments. As far as i know she had been married once and every other relationship went sour.

5. Had a kid out of wedlock and the father is a junkie.

6. Moved in with another man who sexually abused her.

7. Had at least 3 men she was physical with while with me that i found out about later.Seems she would screw them if they bought her dinner. Eager to please? Always said we were broken up when she did it. Pretty loose to say the least. Low class? BPD? Simply a slut?

8. Spent money she didnt have all the time. I spent a fortune covering her bills and mortage and when she broke up, she could remember me helping very much. I spent thousands!!!!

9. She just went to Disney Land and spent money she didnt have, came back and said she was broke.

10. She has never shown empathy for anybody, BUT, asa LMP, she would occasionally help somebody.

11. Always said I was jealous and could not accept that her cheating made me this way. I grew to not trust her.

12. She DID keep lots of stuffed animals in her bed. She has a 800 sq ft house and two dogs (big ones that sleep in her bed), 5 cats, fish,

13. I did not sleep over at her house as her daughter slept with her in the same bed (She is 10 years old). I didnt want her to see yet another man be brought into her life as this would be the third man that was sleeping with her mother in her short life. I tried to set a good example. Plus, her house was so filthy i couldnt sleep there anyway. Her kid would throw tantrum and throw food on the floor and it would be there a week later. Yuk! I didnt want her living with me either! Her child also is in therapy as she displays the me NOW behaviour and will not obey or listen to any adult authority and will throw a tantrum unto she wins. At last count, this child had over 100 webkins. She used to liek me, but over time she started asking for toys, and then once purchased, she would blow me off. Her mother would then notice I was not spending as much on her and say i was pulling financial aid they needed. I would tell her that she shouldnt be spoiling her kid with that amount of toys. Her child is also mean spirited and doesnt have many friends as their mothers wont let them play with her because her mom and child are bad influenced.

Flash forward. I told her I had cancer when diagnosed and wanted her opinion on chemo as he mother had just gone thru it. She didnt really respond much. Thats when i found out she was starting to date this new guy. I could not reach her an dpulled up to her house when she was pulling in with this guy in her truck and her daughter. I asked her what was going on and she said.."I thought we were broken up because I didnt hear form you all week". He had bought her and her kid gifts and they were unloading them from her truck. She asked that i call her the next morning. I cam eover and she said she was thru with me, that the new guy opened her eyes to"opportunities", was "great guy", and she had known him long time. I had told her that i thought her timing was a bit bad as I had just told her I had cancer, was open to moving her in with me,and had sold the business tp spend more time with her. She said we were no compatible and it was over. i left and have not heard from her since, but do know thru a mutual friend that she is now sleeping over with him nightly. She broke up on Nov 16th and was in his bed Nov 18th and ever since. Not a word from her since. I went NC to heal, but also dont think these types with BPD ever care about calling and NC doesnt work on these types. He has money and is divorced and 57 years old, she is turning 40. I assume this rebound will eat him alive. Better him than me. I dont feel sorry for him because on one morning that she did cheat on me and I flew back into town, he showed up on her doorstep that morning too! He has been waiting for her for several years, and doev in when I was sick. The week before she hinted at moving in with me to take care of me, a week later she dumped me and said"i am not abandoning you when you are sick, I was done with us before you told me you had cancer". Now they had a family Thanksgiving and she is living the false and instant Beaver Cleaver lifestyle with the new guy. So, is she BPD, sociopath, and even though she never really went into shouting rages an, all arguments were blamed on me, and she never accepted blame for anything. No empathy! Thanks for your support! I am trying to cut the enslaved addition to her, hate the thought of her sleeping with this guy now and that 5 years meant nothing to her or my health. Can women with BPD love a man but behave like this too?

[AHardDaysNight]

It really is nasty for someone to do something like that. My best advice would be to move on, and forget her.

[harvej]

I am not sure there is enough soap to wash her out of my system.! LOL!

[Prismpunk]

My dad died from Stage 4 Esophageal Cancer which metastasized to his liver. Not to put a damper on this thread but your in for the worst battle of your life. Even Stage 2 cancer is hell. The effects of chemotherapy are bad enough to deal with before you deal with a slow and agonizing and painful death. It was 2 years of hell and hospital visits.

 

I am sorry for your diagnosis. What kind of cancer? Where do you live? I can try to help you with all the information that I know.

[Downtown]

I wanted to ask your opinion so I know at what level her BPD was and other mental illnesses. So, is she BPD, sociopath?

Harvej, only a professional can determine whether your exGF satisfies 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD" or "having Antisocial PD" (i.e., sociopathy). The reason I suggested that you read about PD traits was not to do a diagnosis -- neither of us is qualified to do that. Rather, the reason for learning the patterns of basic human behavior (e.g., BPD, NPD and sociopathy) is that you can achieve a much better understanding of someone's behavior if -- instead of looking at the individual traits separately -- you look to see which of the well-known patterns of traits is prevalent.

 

Although you won't have a clue as to how to perform a diagnosis, you nonetheless should be able to spot the red flags (i.e., the behavioral traits themselves) because there is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, black-white thinking, and inability to trust. Moreover, all of us know what those traits feel like from the inside and look like from the outside. We know this because everybody exhibits all nine BPD traits strongly all the way through childhood -- and we continue exhibiting those traits occasionally in adulthood, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy.

 

Further, for the purposes of deciding whether someone is a good marriage candidate, you do not need a diagnosis anyway. This is why you never see single people taking a psychologist along with them whenever they are going on dates. They know they can spot strong occurrences of traits like selfishness, vindictiveness, lying, immaturity, distrust, instability, and verbal abuse. In that situation -- when you're looking for a compatible mate -- the relevant threshold test is not whether the woman has full-blown BPD or sociopathy. Rather, it is whether her dysfunctional traits are so strong that you are generally unhappy or uncomfortable being around her. Such traits can make your life miserable even when they fall well short of the diagnostic level.

 

Please do not jump to the conclusion that your exGF has strong traits of only one PD like BPD or sociopathy. Recent studies show that most folks having strong traits of one PD also have strong traits of one or two others as well. Significantly, even when a person has such traits at the diagnostic level, it does NOT imply they have two or three diseases. PDs are not separate diseases. Indeed, scientists have yet to identify a single disease that causes any of them.

 

Rather, the ten PDs are simply classificatory devices that make it easier for psychologists to explain behavior by looking at patterns of behavioral symptoms. Strictly speaking, a PD is a "syndrome," i.e., a group of dysfunctional symptoms that usually appear together and persist over time. Hence, the main reason that PD sufferers usually have multiple PDs is NOT because they have multiple diseases. Instead, it is because the APA created too many "symptom groups" about 30 years ago.

 

This is why the current draft of the new diagnostic manual (DSM5, to be released in 2013) is consolidating the 10 PDs into 6 PDs. (Yes, BPD and sociopathy are being retained.) I mention this so as to encourage you to also take a look at sociopathy (i.e., Antisocial PD) and NPD traits to see if any of them also seem familiar and strong. If you have a strong desire to confirm your suspicions, I would encourage you to discuss this with a clinical psychologist to obtain a professional opinion.

 

I caution that you should not spend so much time and energy on understanding your exGF that you neglect a far more important objective: understanding yourself (e.g., why you were so attracted to her and how you can prevent yourself from running right into the arms of another woman just like her).

She never really went into shouting rages

The vast majority of BPDers (those with strong traits) "act out," turning their anger outward in the form of temper tantrums, hissy fits, and verbal abuse. A small portion of them, however, "act in," i.e., they turn the anger inward. The result is that they usually punish their partners with passive-aggressive remarks and icy withdrawal -- not with temper tantrums. For that reason, they are often called "quiet borderlines" or "waif borderlines." I mention this so you know that the lack of temper tantrums alone does not rule out having strong BPD traits.

 

That said, please keep in mind that I am NOT trying to convince you that your exGF has strong BPD traits. I don't know if she does. Indeed, I have never even met the woman. Instead, I am trying to encourage you to read about such dysfunctional traits (as well as sociopathy and NPD) so you can achieve the understanding you want so badly about what went wrong in your relationship. Moreover, I am hopeful that you will also get a better understanding -- through subtraction -- of the remaining role that you played.

Can women with BPD love a man but behave like this too?

That is the number one question that we NonBPD partners most want answered after we come stumbling out of a BPD relationship. At the websites targeted to us "Nons," the members are strongly divided on the answer, with most believing that BPDers cannot love. My experience is that this view is so very wrong. I believe BPDers are able to love and, indeed, often can be very caring. Their problem is not being uncaring but, rather, unstable. Yet, because their emotional development was frozen at the level of a four year old (if they have very strong traits), they are only able to love in the impaired, limited way that a very young child does.

 

How bad can that be? Not so bad, is it? After all, you don't see parents run screaming away from their young children just because they know that "I love you" mostly means "I desperately need you to love me." No, that is not God awful. On the other hand, it falls far short of what is needed to sustain a marriage of two adults. For that reason, no emotionally healthy adult is willing to settle for that impaired form of love in a marriage partner.

 

Assuming your exGF really loved you in that child-like way, a related issue is whether she was loving your true features or, rather, ones she projected onto you. Because her perception of you was seriously distorted much of the time, the answer likely is that (after the infatuation ended) she loved a mixture of real and projected qualities. My exW, for example, seemed to love me only as long as I continued walking on eggshells, not being my true self.

 

That said, all the BPDers I have discussed this with on BPD websites are insistent that they experience their affection for a partner as true love. Yet, I take this to mean "true love as experienced by a young child." And I also take it to mean that they are loving a distorted image consisting of both real and projected qualities -- in the same way that, when they are splitting the partner black, they are hating a combination of real and projected flaws. Further, I believe it is accurate to say that BPDers have such an overpowering need for a mate to be their "emotional anchor" that -- to a large extent -- they may be more in love with the relationship than with your individual qualities as a unique man. This is why, I believe, the BPDers can be so emotionally devastated by the loss of the relationship but then will quickly replace you with another very different partner.

[harvej]

You nailed it again!

One of my last comments to her, was that I felt she was in love with the idea of being married and taken care of and not the man marrying her.

 

Thansk again! What great read. Thank you. You are a poet.

[wilsonx]

 

I caution that you should not spend so much time and energy on understanding your exGF that you neglect a far more important objective: understanding yourself (e.g., why you were so attracted to her and how you can prevent yourself from running right into the arms of another woman just like her).

 

 

 

 

This is extremely important that you focus on. Why were you in a relationship with someone like her? I want you to answer this harvej with some reflection. You have to be able to look in a mirror and say what made me stay in a relationship with her.

 

Counseling is the best way to get a grasp on what you went through, reflect on yourself, and how to improve yourself into not falling into the trap again.

[harvej]

You are correct Wilson as always. After two weeks I am feeling much better. I even saw her drive by yesterday and immediatly thought, "there goes a sad person". I was pretty pumped as i have been feeling better and came out of the fog to reflect on what type of girl this really was. Reflection?

I gues sit was that since she had been my massage therapist for so long, she slowly started discussing her lifes problems and bad boyfriend while in session. I became her councellor, and she eventually started flirting with me. I was in rescue mode and fell for her after I started helping her put her life together. She was also a pro belly dancer and was pretty hot,and very good in bed. (But now i am thinking, how did she get that good? LOL!!) She was sort of a hippie, and i was pretty refined, so the class mismatch seemed interesting at first. over time I started realizing that she was her own worst enemy and put herself in her position. Her babys father was loser that has been gaming the medicare system with a fake back injury for year, no job,and her last boyfriend was broke too. Seems she is not a very smart golddigger or is so codependant that she has to jump into a new relationship out of fear of abandonment. She is a sociopath and I am a damn fool for accepting it. BUT, with your frank talk and other support, I am felling very good today and slept 10 hours last night!!!! thanks again for your support. i knew i was going to look like a fool, but also wanted to be honest with you regardless of my errors..