Still having a Hard time

[HeartBrokeFool]

I posted on this site a few years ago, but can not remember my username so I re-registered. 6 years ago after not quite 2 years of marriage, I discovered my wife was "involved" with a co-worker. Long story short (for now) we chose to work on things, she told me she had given me the full and honest truth, though I had factual proof that she had not. 2 years after the initial discovery, I found out she was still in contact with him. Another blow out but we are still together. It is now 4 years past the last known issue. I have told my wife on numerous occcassions that I need and want the entire truth. She still refuses and just says that i need to forget the past and live in the future. I have a lot of anymosity (sp?) toward her for not being honest.

 

How does on deal with this stuff? I really feel like I can't trust her because she still hasn't been entirely honest about what went on. Am I just being a quack and obsessed or is this common?

[silktricks]

I posted on this site a few years ago, but can not remember my username so I re-registered. 6 years ago after not quite 2 years of marriage, I discovered my wife was "involved" with a co-worker. Long story short (for now) we chose to work on things, she told me she had given me the full and honest truth, though I had factual proof that she had not. 2 years after the initial discovery, I found out she was still in contact with him. Another blow out but we are still together. It is now 4 years past the last known issue. I have told my wife on numerous occcassions that I need and want the entire truth. She still refuses and just says that i need to forget the past and live in the future. I have a lot of anymosity (sp?) toward her for not being honest.

 

How does on deal with this stuff? I really feel like I can't trust her because she still hasn't been entirely honest about what went on. Am I just being a quack and obsessed or is this common?

If your wife refuses to be completely honest with you despite your need for the truth, you have no children and have been married "only" six years, you may want to consider divorcing her and moving on with your life. If she refuses to be completely truthful about the past you have nothing on which to base trust for the future.

 

If you do choose to remain with her in spite of her refusal to deal with your issues surrounding her past waywardness, it will be difficult IMO to have the type of relationship (open and honest) that brings with it true happiness. I highly recommend that you and she attend some kind of marriage counseling so that she can see how her actions are creating a schism in your marriage.

 

I wish you good luck whatever course you choose.

[jnj express]

How involved was your wife---EA---PA---Both

 

What were circumstances, was the mge., that bad, that she needed to cheat----give some details

 

She does not get to sweep it under the rug---If you don't wish it so

 

You do not have to live knowing only half truths---I know your sub-conscious must be causing you a large amount of distress, over not knowing, and filling in the gaps, with all kinds of visions

 

How far are you prepared to go, to make your wife come clean---you may need to put D., on the table, cuz she seems to have her heels dug in, and won't tell

 

If it was something, somewhat innocent, she probably would have told you---this may actually be a lot worse, she knows it, and is protecting herself

 

You do not have to stay in a mge., that isn't working, especially one fueled by adultery----You just need to decide how much you want to push, to get the info. you want

[y2k]

I posted on this site a few years ago, but can not remember my username so I re-registered. 6 years ago after not quite 2 years of marriage, I discovered my wife was "involved" with a co-worker. Long story short (for now) we chose to work on things, she told me she had given me the full and honest truth, though I had factual proof that she had not. 2 years after the initial discovery, I found out she was still in contact with him. Another blow out but we are still together. It is now 4 years past the last known issue. I have told my wife on numerous occcassions that I need and want the entire truth. She still refuses and just says that i need to forget the past and live in the future. I have a lot of anymosity (sp?) toward her for not being honest.

 

How does on deal with this stuff? I really feel like I can't trust her because she still hasn't been entirely honest about what went on. Am I just being a quack and obsessed or is this common?

 

If someone cheats on you, you need to leave that person.

 

From what you've given us, it sounds like your wife will only cheat on you again and again and again.

 

And even worse if it's the same guy. That means she probably fell for him, and that the day you get home to only see a half empty house with a letter on the table stating that she is leaving you for him is getting closer and closer.

 

My advice, leave her and start over. It's never too late to start over, and it would be a waste if you spent that time with this woman. Good luck.

[road]

Experience has shown that questions unanswered from an affair will last a life time. Many a BH have been haunted from not knowing the truth for 30 plus years.

[HeartBrokeFool]

My wife denied everything except "friendship" until about a year ago. At that time she confessed that she "probably" had an EA. I am certain that it was a PA as well...There are too many meetings while she was "working late" or I was out of town that I know about. Too many things that point right to it.

 

We do have a child. He was concieved about 2 or 3 weeks before I found out about the other guy 6 years ago. I did have a DNA test done and the child is mine. Had my wife not gotten pregnant or had the child not been mine, I would've ended the marriage immediately.

 

I will take the time sometime today to post the entire story so you all have more details to work off of. The biggest betrayal to me is that I can't believe she won't tell the truth even though she swears she loves me. That is what makes me think that it was a PA as well.

[sadcalifornian]

A big part of R is understanding the pain of BS and doing whatever is necessary to help BS heal. If BS demands truth in whatever degree of details, WS must provide it. Her attitude shows no remorse and just continuation of selfish thinking and action.

 

After such betrayal, you must hold the D card in your stack as an implied threat or a natural consequence of such. If you take the position that no matter what, you will never D her, then she can take advantage of your "unconditional" love and devotion to continue disrespecting you. You must confront her with a genuine threat of ultimatum. Either she comes clean or you file for D.

 

If she does respond to come clean, demand her to take polygraph. Considering how she has been deceptive all these years, even if she gives you some more details, you wouldn't be able to believe it is all anyway. Demand poly.

 

Also, talk to a lawyer to prepare for the worst outcome. Protect your finances.

[Bryanp]

Have you thought about insisting on a polygraph which will cost you about $500.

[HeartBrokeFool]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This is going to be long, but please hang with me. To give you insight from the beginning, mywife and I dated for almost 3 years before we married. She moved in with me about 6 months after westarted dating. Her father is a war vetand had alcohol issues when she and her siblings were very young. He still has anger issues. He is on his second marriage. My wife has an older half brother from hisfirst marriage. She and her brotherswitnessed their father “kicking their mother across the yard” when they wereyoung. When they were in high schooltheir father had an affair with a much younger woman. Their mother kicked him out, but allowed himto come back home and they have been together for the past 11-12 years. My immediate family has no history ofdivorce, abuse, or extramarital affairs that I am aware of. Nothing really out of the ordinairy.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I’ll start from where things began to go wrong; in myperception. Some small stuff I may haveforgotten, but for the most part I still remember like it was yesterday. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]In the fall of 2005, I started my normal yearly run of thebusiest part of my work season. I wasgone quite a bit and very busy. Thisbusy time usually last about 3 weeks. Wehad decided earlier in the year that we wanted to try to have a child. We had yet to conceive, so were trying a fewmedical treatments. My wife had taken onmore stuff at work as well and spent much more than 40 hours a week there. I knew there were some bumps in the road ofour marriage, but didn’t think it was all that bad. My wife had asked me more than once if I washappy and I said yes, but she didn’t elaborate any further when I pushed.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]My wife had started exercising and working out quite a bitthrough the summer. She looks goodanyway, but was really toning up. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We proceeded over the next couple weeks and I headed to amajor work event in October that would require me to be gone for 7-8 days. My wife came to visit for part of a day, butwasn’t real willing to do that. She wentout drinking more than one evening while I was gone, which really bothered meat the time since we were trying to get pregnant. I finished up at the event and came home lateon a Sunday night or Monday morning. My wife called me that Thursday afternoon totell me she had to work late and didn’t get home till after 9 pm. Her job didsometimes require that she be there until 8 pmbut rarely past 8:30. While she was “working” late, she and the OMhad several calls back and forth to each other. The phone calls stopped 2 hours before she came home. On the very next day after she got off workwe had a major blow up about why she was at work until after 9 pm; it was very out of the ordinary and shehad no valid reason. She told me she wasleaving to go stay with her parents for the weekend. She was on the phone with the OMfor 3 hours after she left, then again the next morning (Saturday) at 4 am for and again on Sunday. ***At this particular point in this story Istill don’t have any clue about the phone calls, I hadn’t ever even looked at aphone bill other than the amount to pay, nor had she ever even mentioned theOM’s name (OM is/was/is still a co-worker of my wife; I did go to school withhim, but he is not a friend). She cameback home on Sunday afternoon.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]My parents had purchased some real estate a couple weeksbefore about 7 hours away and had invited us out with them to help move stuffin and with a few handyman jobs. My wifesaid she was not going because she had to work, which did strike me as odd atthe time. I left to go out and help themon Thursday. She called me at 4 pm that afternoon to tell me she was going toher aunt & uncle’s to visit. Later I found out she was never there. Again she was on the phone with OMoff and on from 5:20 until 8 pm that night and called him again at 1:44 am Friday morning. When I called her on Friday night she told meshe was at a meeting for work at a local hangout. She led me to believe it was an actual requiredwork event. When I asked if her boss wasthere she said no. By now I’m startingto really realize something is up. Icalled another friend that works at the same place and was informed that therewas no required work meeting; just a bunch of co-workers going for drinks. I called my wife back on her cell and I wasnot happy. We argued and I told her thatI felt like I was losing my wife. Shewas drunk so I ended the discussion. That was the last time we talked on the phone for Friday evening, but Imade several calls to the house throughout the night which she was not there toanswer. While she was not at home shewas on her cell phone with the OM from 9 pm until 11 pmthat night.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The next day (Saturday) I tried to call my wife allday. I was concerned about her and ourmarriage. In hindsight, I should haveheaded for home after our phone call on Friday evening. I called our neighbors who are also our goodfriends. They said they had invited mywife over the night before, but she told them she had plans and also said theysaw my wife Saturday morning and she told them she was heading to her parents(about 60 miles away). I called mywife’s mom and she said my wife called her (immediately after she had been onthe phone with the OM for 20 minutes) and told her she was going to anothertown (actually where the OM resides) about 40 miles away shopping with one ofher girl friends. Immediately after shehung up with her mom, she was back on the phone with the OMin 2 different calls. She had also talkedon the phone with the OM at 6 am the same morning. After Igot off the phone with her mom, I called my wife again. She didn’t answer and I dialed into hervoicemail to see if she had been checking her messages. There was a new message(had not been retrieved) from the night before from a male that says somethingabout her “laying all that out in front of him”, and then saying she had toleave. I called her mom again. She hadcalled the girl friend who said that she hadn’t even talked to my wife in thepast week let alone gone shopping with her. At this point, I completely broke down. I told my parents that I had to get home. They wouldn’t let me go by myself so theyleft as well.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I tried calling my wife’s cell, the house, and her vehiclesatellite number repeatedly, but the cell was shut off, she wasn’t home, and wasn’tanswering in the vehicle. She finally answered my phone call between 7 and 8 pm Saturday night; 12 hours after my firstattempt to call her that day. ObviouslyI wanted to know where she had been and told her I was on my way home.

 

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I got home early Sunday morning and we had a very long conversationabout our feelings and issues, in which she told me things that she swore upon herlife, were true as far as where she had been and what had been going on. She said the voicemail I heard was from anotherco-worker that she had told that she was no longer happy in our marriage. She said she really had been at her aunt& uncle’s on Thursday night and hung out with them; I already knew this notto be true at the time she said it. Shewas very “groomed” in “that” area down there, which she hadn’t done in awhile. She had a huge bruise high on herinner thigh. I asked about the bruiseand was told that someone jokingly reached over at the bar and grabbed her leg. She talked about marriage counseling, but atthat point I didn’t feel we needed it since she was being “honest”. She said she went shopping by herself onSaturday. Later the story changed to hergoing to yet another town nearby, parking at a business, hiking up the hill,and sitting there all day; maybe contemplating suicide for what she had done (realizeI thought at the time that was severe as from what she told me, she reallyhadn’t done anything). Then it changedagain to say that she had been just driving around. She unequivocally stated that no one else wasinvolved, she hadn’t seen or been with anyone while she was gone; she said she hadgiven me the absolute truth. I wasabsolutely devastated that she was telling co-workers that she wasn’t happywith our marriage when she wouldn’t even discuss it with me. Also, because I knew she was still lying tome. Never felt that way in my entire life. Physically sick to my stomach. Depressed. Crying. Vomiting. Lasted for severaldays. Still happens to this day when the thoughts creep up. This still only involves the co-worker wholeft the voicemail at this point. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Little did I know it was only the beginning. (Again, I hadnot seen the cellular bill).[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I really had a rough time with the situation. Then one of my wife’s co-workers forwarded mea bunch of emails that were between my wife and the OMat work. I shared one with her that shehad sent to him from home. She assuredme that the OM was having problems with his fiancé and shewas helping him with that. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Our cellular bill (that was coming via mail at that time)didn’t show up (or stupid me didn’t think it had). I mentioned this to my wife and she told me shehadn’t seen it. I called the cellularcompany and asked them to re-send it. They told me I could pull it up online so I did. My world came to a grinding halt onceagain. Call after call to the OM(I just found out about all the phone calls I referenced earlier in this story);calls in the middle of the night; 1 am to 4 amno less. She had lied to me again after sheswore up and down that she had told me everything. We were back to arguing; I was hurt andpissed with good reason. She assured methat there was no EA or PA with the OM and never met upoutside of work. Just talked on thephone giving each other relationship advice. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Not too long after discovering the phone bill we find out weare pregnant. My wife came to myworkplace one day in tears to tell me that another co-worker had mentioned arumor that she was pregnant with the OM’s child. I could not figure out why my wife was thatupset if nothing had ever gone on. Wecontinued on; had several more very heated arguments all surrounding the factthat I didn’t trust her because the “truth” kept changing. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]In mid 2006 our child was born. My wife switched jobs after she had thechild. I was thrilled because she wasnot working with the OM. All contact with the OM stopped that I am awareof. After she had been at the new jobabout 9 months, I came across an email from a foreign laborer for the companytelling my wife he had strong feelings for her. I could see the same scenario in my head playing through again,basically because I was never told the truth about it so a lot was left toassumption. The she had a blow up withher “new” boss (understandably so; the guy was not all there). She went back to her original place ofemployment.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The OM went through a marriage anddivorce while my wife was working at her “new” job for about a year.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I was not supportive of her returning to the place, but she neededa job and said that’s she was going to work. We had the discussion involving the OM andboundaries and expectations. She agreedas she had before that there would be absolutely no contact unless it wasrequired by work. I’m going along ok,but the whole thing is still grating on me. About a month after she started back working at the place, I run intosomeone that mentions my wife having a phone conversation with the OMthe day before which was on a Sunday. Shewas on her way home from her parents when the supposed call took place. So I looked it up on the online bill and sureenough there it is; a 45 minute call. Iwent ballistic. She told me she wastalking to him about advice for his 2 year old daughter. The OM did not haveany children at that time. I wanted herout of the house until I could calm down and we could talk civilly. My wife left and called her parents. Her mom called me and told me she was sosorry. Then her mother got mad because Iasked my wife to leave for the night and told me I couldn’t take our son awayfrom my wife (which I had no intention of). Her dad gets on the phone and calls me several names and in not so manywords, that I wouldn’t live much longer if I tried to take the child (I nevermentioned anything about divorce OR custody; just had asked my wife to leavefor the evening). We went through thenext couple days. My wife wouldn’tdiscuss any of what had happened. Shefinally asked about a separation. Ididn’t agree; I felt all that did was give her a free pass to continue on herrelationship with the OM. Then on Tuesday, I tried to call her at workand the receptionist told me my wife was gone for a few hours. I didn’t really think anything about it. Then Wednesday I tried several times to call herat work again; even drove up by her workplace and didn’t see her vehicle. So I called our daycare provider to see if ourchild was there. The daycare providersaid our child was there but that my wife had picked him up the day before togo to a nearby town with her mom. I gotoff the phone and went home to meet my wife when she came for lunch. I askedwhere she had been the day before. That’s when she told me she had been to an attorney and was filing fordivorce. My heart dropped out of mychest again. She told me that she wasdoing it because her dad told her I was going to file first and attempt to takeour child away. She said she didn’t wanta divorce, but didn’t want to lose our child either. I hadn’t even yet thought about divorce. It truly broke my heart. She dropped the divorce and wanted to workthings out. I suggested counseling thistime and she was not receptive. Wecontinued on. We’ve had rough patches since,but seemed to get through them. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]As of the present there has been no contact with the OMother than work related that I am aware of for about 4 years.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I’ve had a really hard time dealing with all of this. I actually feel like I’m a nutcase. I’ve told her before that it is somethingthat I think about everyday. I really do. I never, ever in all my life thought I would everfeel this way or let myself feel this way. I never got the absolute truth. Iknow that she still hasn’t told me the truth and it hurts. The desperation from being constantly liedto, the betrayal by someone who you love with all your heart and soul, thefeelings that you are worthless and not being able to get them out of yourhead. My constant feeling that she isdoing something when I’m not around. Myfeeling that I am inadequate so she is out searching for something more. It’s all because I can’t get her to tell thetruth which means I can’t get myself to trust her. It literally consumes me. I don’t like that I can’t trust her; Iabsolutely hate it and wish I could shut it off. I hate it that I feel like Ihave to look at her phone or her email or the phone bill; I just can’t handlethe thought of getting burned again. Ihate it that my wife feels like I am controlling now as a result.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]For the last couple years I’ve found myself consumed by thought,not of suicide, but very often that it would be a blessing if I died in anaccident or in my sleep and never woke up the next morning so I no longer haveto feel like this. It makes me crybecause I think of how devastating that would be to our child and my family. I often think that may be a blessing to mywife. It’s not what she did or what she maybe doing; it’s that doesn’t tell the truth about any of it. I feel like I live with someone I love morethan I ever thought I could, but don’t know anything that’s actually the truthabout them, even through our marriage. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I went to the counselor and got a little help inunderstanding how to deal with my feelings, but was constantly told that theremay be no closure without the truth. Ibegan to feel that was hopeless as well and quit going.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Now another male co-worker seems quite fishy to me. Maybe I’m paranoid. This is the same scenario to me. My wife says there’s nothing going on. We went to my wife’s company party and assoon as the suspect co-worker showed up she was drifting over toward him everychance she got and was constantly looking over in his direction while she washaving conversations with other people. Then he leaves the party and she is texting him. My wife and I left the party with some otherfriends to go out and she was still texting him. She said more in texts she was sending tohim than she said to me in words that night. We discussed the issue soon after. My request to help our relationship was that she just be honest always; her’swas that she be able to continue texting the suspect co-worker without megetting mad. Seemed really lopsided tome. I have no problem with the suspectco-worker yet, but I hate the situation.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I am not an advocate of divorce. I want to work things out. I can’t imagine my wife with someone else ormy child with someone else. I am a veryhonest person, and don’t understand why she can’t be honest.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[HeartBrokeFool]

had a huge bruise high on her inner thigh. I asked about the bruise and was told that one of her co-workers jokingly reached over at the bar and grabbed her leg. She talked about marriage counseling, but at that point I didn’t feel we needed it since she was being “honest”. She said she went shopping by herself on Saturday. Later the story changed to her going to yet another town nearby, parking at a business, hiking up the hill,and sitting there all day; maybe contemplating suicide for what she had done (realize I thought at the time that was severe as from what she told me, she really hadn’t done anything). Then it changed again to say that she had been just driving around. She unequivocally stated that no one else was involved, she hadn’t seen or been with anyone while she was gone; she said she had given me the absolute truth. I was absolutely devastated that she was telling co-workers that she wasn’t happywith our marriage when she wouldn’t even discuss it with me. Also, because I knew she was still lying to me. Never felt that way in my entire life. Physically sick to my stomach. Depressed. Crying. Vomiting. Lasted for several days. Still happens to this day when the thoughts creep up. This still only involves the co-worker who left the voicemail at this point.

 

Little did I know it was only the beginning. (Again, I had not seen the cellular bill).

 

I really had a rough time with the situation. Then one of my wife’s co-workers forwarded me a bunch of emails that were between my wife and the OM at work. I shared one with her that she had sent to him from home. She assured me that the OM was having problems with his fiancé and she was helping him with that. Our cellular bill (that was coming via mail at that time)didn’t show up (or stupid me didn’t think it had). I mentioned this to my wife and she told me she hadn’t seen it. I called the cellular company and asked them to re-send it. They told me I could pull it up online so I did. My world came to a grinding halt once again. Call after call to the OM(I just found out about all the phone calls I referenced earlier in this story);calls in the middle of the night; 1 am to 4 am no less. She had lied to me again after she swore up and down that she had told me everything. We were back to arguing; I was hurt and pissed with good reason. She assured me that there was no EA or PA with the OM and never met up outside of work. Just talked on the phone giving each other relationship advice.

 

Not too long after discovering the phone bill we find out we are pregnant. My wife came to my workplace one day in tears to tell me that another co-worker had mentioned a rumor that she was pregnant with the OM’s child. I could not figure out why my wife was that upset if nothing had ever gone on. We continued on; had several more very heated arguments all surrounding the fact that I didn’t trust her because the “truth” kept changing.

 

In mid 2006 our child was born. My wife switched jobs after she had the child. I was thrilled because she was not working with the OM. All contact with the OM stopped that I am aware of. After she had been at the new job about 9 months, I came across an email from a foreign laborer for the company telling my wife he had strong feelings for her. I could see the same scenario in my head playing through again,basically because I was never told the truth about it so a lot was left to assumption. The she had a blow up with her “new” boss (understandably so; the guy was not all there). She went back to her original place of employment in 2007.

 

The OM went through a marriage and divorce while my wife was working at her “new” job for about a year.

 

I was not supportive of her returning to the place, but she needed a job and said that’s she was going to work. We had the discussion involving the OM and boundaries and expectations. She agreed as she had before that there would be absolutely no contact unless it was required by work. I’m going along ok,but the whole thing is still grating on me. About a month after she started back working at the place, I run into someone that mentions my wife having a phone conversation with the OM the day before which was on a Sunday. She was on her way home from her parents when the supposed call took place. So I looked it up on the online bill and sure enough there it is; a 45 minute call. I went ballistic. She told me she was talking to him about advice for his 2 year old daughter. The OM did not have any children at that time. I wanted her out of the house until I could calm down and we could talk civilly. My wife left and called her parents. Her mom called me and told me she was so sorry. Then her mother got mad because I asked my wife to leave for the night and told me I couldn’t take our son away from my wife (which I had no intention of). Her dad gets on the phone and calls me several names and in not so many words, that I wouldn’t live much longer if I tried to take the child (I never mentioned anything about divorce OR custody; just had asked my wife to leave for the evening). We went through the next couple days. My wife wouldn’t discuss any of what had happened. She finally asked about a separation. I didn’t agree; I felt all that did was give her a free pass to continue on her relationship with the OM. Then on Tuesday, I tried to call her at work and the receptionist told me my wife was gone for a few hours. I didn’t really think anything about it. Then Wednesday I tried several times to call her at work again; even drove up by her workplace and didn’t see her vehicle. So I called our daycare provider to see if our child was there. The daycare provider said our child was there but that my wife had picked him up the day before to go to a nearby town with her mom. I got off the phone and went home to meet my wife when she came for lunch. I asked where she had been the day before. That’s when she told me she had been to an attorney and had filed for divorce. My heart dropped out of my chest again. She told me that she was doing it because her dad told her I was going to file first and attempt to take our child away. She said she didn’t want a divorce, but didn’t want to lose our child either. I hadn’t even yet thought about divorce. It truly broke my heart. She dropped the divorce and wanted to work things out. I suggested counseling this time and she was not receptive. We continued on. We’ve had rough patches since, but seemed to get through them.

 

As of the present there has been no contact with the OM other than work related that I am aware of for about 4 years. I actually had the pleasure of having the guy picked up for driving on a suspended license due to 3 DUI's.

 

I’ve had a really hard time dealing with all of this. I actually feel like I’m a nutcase. I’ve told her before that it is something that I think about everyday. I really do. I never, ever in all my life thought I would ever feel this way or let myself feel this way. I never got the absolute truth. I know that she still hasn’t told me the truth and it hurts. The desperation from being constantly lied to, the betrayal by someone who you love with all your heart and soul, the feelings that you are worthless and not being able to get them out of your head. My constant feeling that she is doing something when I’m not around. My feeling that I am inadequate so she is out searching for something more. It’s all because I can’t get her to tell the truth which means I can’t get myself to trust her. It literally consumes me. I don’t like that I can’t trust her; I absolutely hate it and wish I could shut it off. I hate it that I feel like I have to look at her phone or her email or the phone bill; I just can’t handle the thought of getting burned again. I hate it that my wife feels like I am controlling now as a result.

 

For the last couple years I’ve found myself consumed by thought, not of suicide, but very often that it would be a blessing if I died in an accident or in my sleep and never woke up the next morning so I no longer have to feel like this. It makes me cry because I think of how devastating that would be to our child and my family. I often think that may be a blessing to my wife. It’s not what she did or what she maybe doing; it’s that she doesn’t tell the truth about any of it. I feel like I live with someone I love more than I ever thought I could, but don’t know anything that’s actually the truth about them, even through our marriage.

 

I went to the counselor and got a little help in understanding how to deal with my feelings, but was constantly told that there may be no closure without the truth. I began to feel that was hopeless as well and quit going.

 

Now another male co-worker seems quite fishy to me. Maybe I’m paranoid. This is the same scenario to me. My wife says there’s nothing going on. We went to my wife’s company party and as soon as the suspect co-worker showed up she was drifting over toward him every chance she got and was constantly looking over in his direction while she was having conversations with other people. Then he leaves the party and she is texting him. My wife and I left the party with some other friends to go out and she was still texting him. She said more in texts she was sending to him than she said to me in words that night. We discussed the issue soon after. My request to help our relationship was that she just be honest always; her’s was that she be able to continue texting the suspect co-worker without me getting mad. Seemed really lopsided to me. I have no problem with the suspect co-worker yet, but I hate the situation.

 

I am not an advocate of divorce. I want to work things out. I can’t imagine my wife with someone else or my child with someone else. I am a very honest person, and don’t understand why she can’t be honest.

[HeartBrokeFool]

I apologize for the trouble with my last 2 posts. Cutting & pasting didn't format good, then it would allow me edit the original post...

[sadcalifornian]

Geesh, this is no way of living. I know you love your W, but don't you think you have to accept the fact that she does not love you back as a W should? Your obssessive loyalty to your M is what your W is taking advantage of. She keeps acting waywardly and you keep wondering and agonizing what is going on.

 

Your failure to deal properly with her first A is now resulting in her A with OM2. Frankly, I would take this second A in its budding stage a lot more seriously than you seem to be. You seem quite aware of your W's misdeeds, yet your counteractions always seem to fall short of resulting in any real effects on her. I think this is because you are so afraid of losing her no matter what she does. Believe me, she knows this. This is why she seems so bold and uncaring. To her, you are a controling husband who is not a lover and partner, rather a dad or an older brother figure, I think.

 

You must put your foot down and take an ultra strong position. Demand the truth on what happened with OM1 with the ultimatum of Divorce. Reveal the story you shared above with your family and inlaws as well. If you can, demand polygraph. Although the chances are high that she will refuse, but in doing so, she implicitly will be admitting the wrongoing. This will make a serious dent on her mischievous mindset.

 

As for your son, don't trying sacrificing your sanity for his sake. He needs a healthy and happy marital environment, and this certainly ain't it. Stop being needy and clingy; your W will not respect you acting this way. You must man up and act like a confident and independent H, whom she can respect. Such respect can only come when you show her you are willing to D if she does not confess fully and get her act together like a decent wife and a mother to your son. Right now, she is a pathetic woman and a disgrace to you, your son, and your family.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am not an advocate of divorce. I want to work things out. I can’t imagine my wife with someone else ormy child with someone else. I am a veryhonest person, and don’t understand why she can’t be honest

 

This is about consequences. You let her get away with telling you lies. Why would she be honest with you... what would that possibly do for her? At the moment she has you sitting at home like an idiot while she goes out playing around... the truth might stop her from having everything her way.

 

You are a man! Act like it! Stop whimping around all depressed and sad. Do you really want to be the martyr? Is it worth it to have all the people feel sorry for you?

 

The only thing that will make you feel better is to take control of the situation. Tell her you demand the truth and she needs to give up all freedom and privacy or you boot her ass to the street and file divorce.

 

Also... make damn sure she knows that YOU will take full custody of the child. She clearly is not a fit parent.

 

Anyway... I feel bad for you. I've been through almost the exact same thing. Today I'm happier than I ever was before. To make life better I had to stand up and take action. I only regret the time I sat around depressed.

 

I wish you nothing but happiness in the future! Feel free to ask me anything, because I've already dealt with what your going through. All the way down to documenting everything like you have done.

[HeartBrokeFool]

I am prepared to draw the line in the sand with my wife. I understand that I don't have to live like this, but also am concerned with how this will effect our child no matter which way it turns out. My wife tells me to let the past be the past and live in the present. The last time I brought the A up, she actually told me that she doesn't want to go back there and I shouldn't either. Said she was a different person then.

[HeartBrokeFool]

I appreciate the comments and support from everyone. I was amazed as I read through other threads, the patterns of the cheaters are almost always the same; particularly at the time they get caught. Remember, I first, only knew that my W was out partying while I was out of town and caught her lying to me about being at a required work event. If I hadn't heard the message that was left on her voicemail, I might still not know anymore. I slowly found out about the other things due to my suspicions after that initial incident. I was absolutely furious over that.

 

There was a guy in a current thread that waited 2 weeks or more to confront his wife after the OMW contacted him and did it in a pretty cool and collected manner...I can't imagine. I would have come completely uncorked immediately if I had been in his exact situation.

 

My wife's place of employment doesn't help the situation at all. The enviroment is very sexually charged; managers that cheat on their wive's frequently and the owner is, locally, pretty well known for being quite the philanderer. Sexual innuendo and sexually charged comments from managers and co-workers all the time. I actually went in to talk to the owner about the phone calls (calls while she was off the clock and the OM was on the clock) and emails from work to my wife. I never even made it to the owner. His general manager lackey shielded him and informed me that he would listen to me but doesn't normally take meetings with employee's spouses. Nothing ever came out of the conversation.

Edited November 28, 2011 by HeartBrokeFool
grammar

[Steadfast]

You have to tell her. If it's any help, just cut and paste what you've written here and emphasize the parts you feel are most important. You've done a good job of communicating the situation...you know how.

 

You are in a very troubled marriage. Ignoring the problem is the easy way out for her, but it forces you to carry it. Forever. Until you are convinced that she is past the issue and can be trusted, you will carry this burden.

 

You didn't ask for it, but there are times in life when we are forced to carry burdens that we didn't ask for. These are from circumstance; not choice. It was her choice to cheat, therefore, it should not be yours to carry.

 

Be strong. Rid yourself of this. It's the right thing to do.

[HeartBrokeFool]

Thanks Steadfast. I actually gave what I wrote above to her in a letter (a little more lengthy than above) about a year ago. I did the cut and paste thing and edited out names to post it here. I told her then that I expected a response. At the time she told me she would respond, but still has not and its almost a year later. I did find a letter that she wrote for a response but has not given me. It basically says that she does not want to go back and discuss the A and I should forgive and forget. Then goes on to tell me my deficiencies and that I have control of my own life and the way I feel and need to pick myself up and just get over it.

 

Last night I was reading the book Not Just Friends...She came up stairs and asked what I was reading so I told her; she got a disgusted look on her face and said "great".

[Bryanp]

1. Did you have your child tested for DNA to make sure it is not the OM's baby?

2. Did the both of you get tested for STD's?

3. She had constantly played you for a fool and you have allowed it.

4. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting of your cheating on her as you have been?

5. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

6. See a lawyer to understand your options.

7. Your life is wasted on her and she has emotionally castrated you already. Enough is enough!

[SoulStorm]

She is afraid that you will leave her. That is why she is acting all amiss about you dwelling on it.

What she doesn't understand is that no matter what you did..it does not justify her sleeping with another man or having an emotional connection with him.

 

Her continuance to have you rugsweep this will lead to you resenting her and reeally wanting to leave her.

 

She is being selfish and not wanting to deal with this. She does not have to think about you having sex and connecting with another woman. You are constantly thinking about what she did.

She needs to be more empathetic if she wants this marriage to survive.

She is bullying you into forgiving and forgetting...you can't just do that.

Healing from betrayal takes time.

 

If she isn't willing to come around and do that, your marriage probably won't survive.

She has no true remorse..if she did..she would be more empathetic

[HeartBrokeFool]

1. Did you have your child tested for DNA to make sure it is not the OM's baby?

**Yes I did have the test done and the child is mine. When I told her I had it done, she didn't comment...almost acted relieved. From previous "discussions" I got the feeling that the father was a concern of her's.

 

2. Did the both of you get tested for STD's?

**I did not get tested. She didn't that I know of.

 

3. She had constantly played you for a fool and you have allowed it.

**I understand this and it is ruining my focus. I understand it needs to be corrected and intend to do so.

 

4. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting of your cheating on her as you have been?

**I have asked her this several times...even asked her to put her self in my shoes...She says she would still be with me in the same situation. I do think she only says that to make herself feel better about not coming clean.

 

5. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

**I understand this as well. It is extremely hurtful and dissappointing to me.

 

6. See a lawyer to understand your options.

**I have kept in contact with an attorney since this initially blew up. We live in a "no fault" state. 50/50 split is standard whether there was infidelity or not. I stand to lose quite a lot since I have had a yearly maxed out retirment account for at least 16 years and am by far the "bread winner" of the relationship.

 

7. Your life is wasted on her and she has emotionally castrated you already. Enough is enough!

**I understand this as well.

[HeartBrokeFool]

She is afraid that you will leave her. That is why she is acting all amiss about you dwelling on it.

What she doesn't understand is that no matter what you did..it does not justify her sleeping with another man or having an emotional connection with him.

 

Her continuance to have you rugsweep this will lead to you resenting her and reeally wanting to leave her.

 

She is being selfish and not wanting to deal with this. She does not have to think about you having sex and connecting with another woman. You are constantly thinking about what she did.

She needs to be more empathetic if she wants this marriage to survive.

She is bullying you into forgiving and forgetting...you can't just do that.

Healing from betrayal takes time.

 

If she isn't willing to come around and do that, your marriage probably won't survive.

She has no true remorse..if she did..she would be more empathetic

 

I actually disagree with you. I really think when I give her the ultimatum to come clean or deal with the big D, she will walk away; though not without taking as much as she can get...

[SoulStorm]

I actually disagree with you. I really think when I give her the ultimatum to come clean or deal with the big D, she will walk away; though not without taking as much as she can get...

Ultimatum huh, well she has indirectly given you one. Hers is don't discuss this any further or I will leave. How has that been working for you...seems like it's definitely working for her.

[HeartBrokeFool]

Ultimatum huh, well she has indirectly given you one. Hers is don't discuss this any further or I will leave. How has that been working for you...seems like it's definitely working for her.

 

Obviously, it hasn't worked out well for me. If I had known the things I know now from this site, counseling, etc. I would have handled things a lot differently in the beginning. Unfortunately I can't go back and do it over, so I have to deal with a bigger mess now.

[SoulStorm]

Obviously, it hasn't worked out well for me. If I had known the things I know now from this site, counseling, etc. I would have handled things a lot differently in the beginning. Unfortunately I can't go back and do it over, so I have to deal with a bigger mess now.

You don't have to start over..just start. Start taking control of this. You are giving her the control and she is the betrayer. There has to be a compromise that works in both's favor. Right now..all the favor is in her court.

 

It's easy to say this outside looking in...but things won't change..unless you change them.

[sadcalifornian]

I am prepared to draw the line in the sand with my wife. I understand that I don't have to live like this, but also am concerned with how this will effect our child no matter which way it turns out. My wife tells me to let the past be the past and live in the present. The last time I brought the A up, she actually told me that she doesn't want to go back there and I shouldn't either. Said she was a different person then.

 

Tell her that you can try forgiving her. But, in order for you to do that, she must earn your forgiveness. The very first and the absolutely minimal step is that she confess the whole truth. Without it, you cannot forgive as you don't know what to forigve her for. Also, if she truly wants to show that she is now a changed person, she must prove it by action, one of which is also confession.

 

There simply is no way around it, and she must be made aware of this. She seems to be the alpha in your marriage, and she thinks she can whip you in your place with a threat of D. To change this dynamic, the first thing you should do is to accept the possibility of D and not fear it. You can consult with the lawyer to understand the options and what the life would be like after D. I know it won't be pretty for a while, but you must realize it is not necessarily worse than being married to someone who disrespects you and abuses you.

 

Life is what you make it. Change your mindset and be proactive. Don't be afraid of losing her. And, don't use your kid as an excuse to live like this for the rest of your life.

Edited November 29, 2011 by sadcalifornian