eleanorhurting Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 Hi! I went through a really bad breakup a year ago, dated a bit during the year and it was disastrous. I dated someone for a couple of months who ended up being the biggest douche bag i have ever met and he walked all over me. It was bad. Anyhow, I am trying to get to slowly learn how to date and meet people without rushing and without coming across as needy or desperate. I think I am pretty and I attract people all the time but apparently I do something that turns them away. Maybe I am too needy? Maybe I dont know what to expect? Maybe i like the wrong people? Example 1: a guy asked me to have breakfast with him. at first i turned him down because i was genuinely busy so we rescheduled for a week later. Whenever he saw me he was friendly towards me and nice and he seemed interested. We finally went to breakfast and we seemed to really enjoy each other last sunday but he has not called since. He said that we have to do this again but didnt say when. I get the feeling hes dating several people at once because he would get confused with information i had already told him (like where I live, how many siblings i have, where i went to school, seems like he had a hard time keeping it straight). He sent me a happy thanksgiving text that said in the end "take care" Is this normal? Is he not interested? Would he have tried to secure another time to see me? WE didnt kiss or anything it was pretty friendly but he did seem interested. I passed a test and he said "we have to celebrate" and I said we could celebrate after my final next wee and he said "I am already planning what we are going to do it will be great" but he didnt go into specifics or anything. Maybe I am paranoid but he seemsl ike hes just sweet talking?
Author eleanorhurting Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 example 2: I was at a party and i ended up talking to for a long time and dancing with this guy I had met before but we had never really talked. we ended up going to our mutual friends place later and spent the night on the couch because we were a little drunk and tired and it was 5 am. We "hooked up?" I guess (not sex. I m not sure how to say that does that count as hooking up?). I felt embarassed because I had never done anything like that with someone I had just met. He asked me for my number but he hasnt called. Our mutual friend told me he just failed his bar exam and that he was very very sad. I texted him a happy face and asked him how he was (about 4 days after the whole thing happened) and he told me about his bar exam fiasco and that he was really sad and I hinted at seeing him again and he said "that would be cool" or something like that but not specific. I was trying to be nice but at the same time trying to see if he was interested. Was that needy? Could he really be going through a really hard time? I'm guessing he is. What are you supposed to do in that scenario? Other than not kiss people you barely know when you are drunk.
march31 Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 believe me i know the feeling. i went through the same thing and i had to learn how to do everything all over again. But it gets easier, trust me. i am now with an amazing boyfriend who i've been with for almost a year now. anyway, the best advice i can give you is to not appear so needy. guys love chasing after girls they know dont want them. thats how me and my boyfriend got together. he was just like the guy you went out with. he was messing around with about three different girls at once. we became friends before we started dating Take it slow, go out with him again AS FRIENDS! Let him get to know the real you before he gets into anything. Okay so me and my bf were friends for four months before we started dating. we hung out a few times in public. i went out with him and met his family and friends. once he realized i wasnt a girl who was always extremely jealous and that i was a girl he could have a real conversation with, he fell for me. be the girl that he can talk to not just flirt with. find something you guys have in common, that always starts out convo's. once you guys are friends ask him about the other girls he may or may not be dating. if you feel like hes lying, walk away. if he doesnt lie, he may be a player but at least he's honest. its worth a shot, trust me. my bf was the biggest hoe i have ever met and i can proudly say he's been faithful to me the whole time we've been dating. --good luck.
olivec Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 I can tell from your posts that your really worried about this stuff and you shouldn't be. I think you need to take time for yourself right now.
Author eleanorhurting Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 youre right im trying not to get involved with anyone and just get to know people but something as simple as having breakfast with someone just stressed me out because i dont know how im supposed to act. I am seeing a therapist and we are working on this.
iris219 Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 As the poster above said, you shouldn’t even be thinking about these guys. You need to forget about them and keep looking for someone suitable. Do you think you get too emotionally invested too soon? It’s not so much a matter of you coming across as needy. You’ve just met guys who aren’t entirely into you, for whatever reason (the reasons don’t matter here). No big deal. This happens. You can kiss guys you barely know when you’re drunk, but never expect anything else from them. You will learn that when a guy drunkenly kisses you, it often means absolutely nothing to him and he has no intention of seeing you again. It seems like you’re looking for approval from men who aren’t entirely into you, and the signs that they aren’t into you are clear. It’s pretty obvious that something is up with the guy who can’t remember things about you, but it doesn’t matter, specifically, what his deal is. Whether or not he’s dating others is not relevant. He’s not into you and that’s what matters. As soon as a guy shows signs of not being totally into you, move on (emotionally and physically), and don’t look back. This will eventually become second nature. Don’t call, text, or ask your friends about them. An interested guy will not just make contact with you, but will make solid plans. If a guy isn’t making solid plans to see you, stop having contact.
Author eleanorhurting Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 He seemed so interested before though its weird. I feel like I said or did something wrong? When we had breakfast? It was so casual and light! What could have possibly gone wrong? There have always been guys who are super interested but its usually guys who I am not interested in and it seems that for a while the more I push them away the more they want me. But they eventually move on because I am pretty clear and straightforward. I don't like pushy and I don't like sweet talkers.
iris219 Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 He seemed so interested before though its weird. I feel like I said or did something wrong? When we had breakfast? It was so casual and light! What could have possibly gone wrong? There have always been guys who are super interested but its usually guys who I am not interested in and it seems that for a while the more I push them away the more they want me. But they eventually move on because I am pretty clear and straightforward. I don't like pushy and I don't like sweet talkers. No, you didn’t do anything wrong, unless you did something really bizarre that you’re not telling us about. Here’s my philosophy: There’s no such thing as doing anything wrong. There are only people who like you and people who don’t. I could be wrong, but here’s what I think: You’re looking for approval and for a self-esteem boost from these men. When these guys turned out to be different than you imagined, I think your self-esteem took a blow. It’s why you pointed out that there are guys who are interested in you. Once you get to the point where how a man feels about you is irrelevant to how you feel about yourself, your life will be a lot less stressful and a lot more meaningful.
Author eleanorhurting Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 how do you think I can overcome this? I am trying to focus on myself like my therapist has suggested. I am going out with friends, working out, taking ballet lessons, focusing on school.
Author eleanorhurting Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 The only weird thing I felt I did was talk about how i met your mother? He had never seen the show and I really love it and I got really into it. I guess i also talked about the breakup but very lightly and it was because he asked and he brought up his latest breakup first. I'm not really into that.
olivec Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 youre right im trying not to get involved with anyone and just get to know people but something as simple as having breakfast with someone just stressed me out because i dont know how im supposed to act. I am seeing a therapist and we are working on this. You seem like a great girl and I know what your going through because I've been there myself. After my breakup I went on a few dates and I felt I just couldn't be myself and looking back now I know I rushed too fast back into dating. Sometimes you really need to just be by yourself for awhile. Do you have close friends to go out with? If you do I would just go out with them and have fun. The guys will come when your not looking for it. I know after my gf dumped me I was soo depressed and at the sametime I wanted to leap right back into dating and it just sucked. I know now it was a huge mistake because my mind wasn't ready for it. You'll be just fine it just takes time.
Author eleanorhurting Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 I do have tons of friends that I adore. After the whole fiasco with the person who I "dated" (it was very casual, even more to him than it was to me looking back) which ended in september i started therapy and i had been doing great. Working on my issues, going out with my friends and being devoted to self-improvement and enjoying my life guy-free. And then of course when i am enjoying myself and living guy free that is when I start to wobble because that is when I start meeting people. But I am just going to look at this as a learning experience and as a minor set back and im getting back on track to overcoming my codependancy and low self esteem issues. I'm trying to set boundaries so that I will not get caught up in situations. I am a bit grossed out at myself. I realized that this year I have made out with 5 people. That is like 1/3 of the people in my entire lifetime. In 1 year. I guess I really have been reeking of desperation.
Author eleanorhurting Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 What do you do when people ask you to go places in a friendly way? Like, to the movies for example. Do you say no? Do you invite a friend along? Sometimes I say no but sometimes I actually kinda want to go and just have fun in a friendly way. For example, someone from my ballet class asked me if i wanted to catch a movie tonight and I said I would be studying all day at a friend's house but that I'll see if maybe I can make it if I finish what I have to cover for today. Should I just say no? It seems harmless. Am I sending the wrong signals? I know this sounds stupid but I realize I really am clueless as to how to respond to these kinds of situations.
olivec Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 I do have tons of friends that I adore. After the whole fiasco with the person who I "dated" (it was very casual, even more to him than it was to me looking back) which ended in september i started therapy and i had been doing great. Working on my issues, going out with my friends and being devoted to self-improvement and enjoying my life guy-free. And then of course when i am enjoying myself and living guy free that is when I start to wobble because that is when I start meeting people. But I am just going to look at this as a learning experience and as a minor set back and im getting back on track to overcoming my codependancy and low self esteem issues. I'm trying to set boundaries so that I will not get caught up in situations. I am a bit grossed out at myself. I realized that this year I have made out with 5 people. That is like 1/3 of the people in my entire lifetime. In 1 year. I guess I really have been reeking of desperation. Your young so I wouldn't worry too much about the fact you kissed a few guys. As far as going out with this guy from your class I would be honest with him and tell him you just want to hangout as friends as your not ready to dat anyone. If hes cool with that than I see no harm in it. And who knows you guys might really hit it off and go out again. However if hes not cool about it than don't worry about it and move on.
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