Why women over 40 still want children?

[irc333]

Please excuse the possible insensitivity of this post....there's statements here that might make people realize their own mortality.

 

 

I'm kind of torn here....and gentleman, this post goes for you, as well.

 

ESP men who are either approaching 40 or already over 40, SINGLE, and NEVER married.

 

I do have a preference for women who have never had kids, personally, only because I'm the same in that regard. But, I have reached an area in my life where I'm actually loosing the desire to have children.....there was a time probably in my mid 30's and earlier...that I did want to have kids....but now...not so much....and I figured women with the same situation....would also loose that desire.

 

But, I'm finding out not so much...I had seen this one woman, age 43 said Yes to having children. But I'm also inclining they could be easily talked out of it by their 45 year old boyfriend.

 

My initial reaction in an introductory email to her , at least mid-way down would to say something that doesn't sound insulting as, "Don't you think you're too old to be having children?" or "You're over 40 and still want children?" But I don't do that.

 

The desire to be an elderly parent isn't desirable for me, but I'm surprised it is for some women who are over 40 and never married.

 

So does that mean I should be more apt to date single moms? I have dated single moms I have really no problem with them actually, for one.....they usually have NO desire in having any more children, because they've been there, done that, and don't desire to do it again. Some state so in their profiles, "IF you don't have children, I have no desire to have anymore if that's your plan."

 

But with single mothers, you have to concern yourself with the behavior of the children, the Ex always dropping by, possible drama, etc etc.

 

So other gentleman of this forum in that demographic....what say you? Do you find yourself torn sometimes in that regards?

[Eeyore79]

I'm sure that for many women over 40, the desire to have children is merely wishful thinking. They wanted children when they were younger but never met a suitable partner, and now they're finding it difficult to accept that they left it too late. So while they may say that they want children, in actual fact they're probably physically incapable of bearing children. In which case, you can safely ignore their comments about wanting children, since it's extremely unlikely to happen.

[ThsAmericanLife]

If you are talking about a hypothetical situation on an online dating site... I'm assuming a woman over 40 who says 'yes' to children is saying 'yes' to men in their 30's who possibly want a family (in addition to men her own age or even a bit older).

 

She is also saying 'yes' to being a co-parent to a man who already has children. What I'm seeing from your post is some concern about being able to co-parent someone else's children, and that is ok. Just saying that by her saying 'yes' she isn't necessarily saying she wants some of her own.

 

There are few women in their 40's who are actively looking to start a family... if they are, they would be very up front about that in the profile text.

 

I'm 47 and I'm still open to adoption with the right man. It isn't something I press for or even am looking for. But I think I have alot of valuable life experience and have developed the patience and tolerance to responsibly raise a child...

[ThsAmericanLife]

I'm sure that for many women over 40, the desire to have children is merely wishful thinking. They wanted children when they were younger but never met a suitable partner, and now they're finding it difficult to accept that they left it too late. So while they may say that they want children, in actual fact they're probably physically incapable of bearing children. In which case, you can safely ignore their comments about wanting children, since it's extremely unlikely to happen.

 

Adoption and surrogates are available.

 

I don't see anything wrong with women over 40 still wanting kids... anymore than men who are in their 40's and are now in a position to have a family.

 

Not every man needs their child to come out of their partner's body. There are lots of kids who are in desperate need for a loving home and a loving stepdad.

[alphamale]

But with single mothers, you have to concern yourself with the behavior of the children, the Ex always dropping by, possible drama, etc etc.

not only that...with singles mothers you'll never be first in their lives and they will say that openly to your face...

[ThsAmericanLife]

Once a woman becomes a mother, the man is never first in her life again... or at least not in the same way he was before she had children.

 

Alot of new biological fathers have a very tough time dealing with that.

 

It has little to do with who produced that child. It has everything to do with a responsible mother's need to take care of something that utterly depends on her for their survival.

 

An adult man can (and should) be able to take care of himself on most things. Children cannot. That's the difference.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

My initial reaction in an introductory email to her , at least mid-way down would to say something that doesn't sound insulting as, "Don't you think you're too old to be having children?" or "You're over 40 and still want children?" But I don't do that.

 

Good. You shouldn't. Because it's none of your business what other people want for their lives. As long as these women have the funds to take care of their children and aren't living off the state, I don't much care what they want to do with their lives. All you need to know is that it's not the right choice for you and be happy with that.

 

Why are men on this board obsessed with starting women over 40 posts?

[Eeyore79]

Not every man needs their child to come out of their partner's body. There are lots of kids who are in desperate need for a loving home and a loving stepdad.

 

I think the vast majority of men would prefer to have their own child if possible, instead of adoption or surrogacy. This is probably one of the main reasons why men in their late thirties and forties aren't interested in women of the same age. Why go through all that hassle when you could just date a slightly younger woman and have a biological child?

[phineas]

not only that...with singles mothers you'll never be first in their lives and they will say that openly to your face...

 

THAT I can deal with. My kids always come first, but i've yet to meet a women without kids can deal with that.

They get frustrated I won't ditch my kids on the weekend & get a babysitter just so I can go party with them.

We are barely dating. Get some friends or something. sheesh.

 

It's the single mother's I meet with kids my own age & seeing they will expect me to treat her kids like my own (because the father is just a child support payment & usually wants nothing else to do with the kids) but they will never do the same for mine.

 

I won't get serious with someone like that. They don't get it & never will & i'm astonished by how many women i've gone out with like this.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Older men need to be more realistic about their own age and aging process. More research has come out and is coming out all the time about how older father's affect their own children. And we aren't talking about 40+ men. We are talking 30+.

 

I suspect as more information comes into light, and we are already seeing more of this, younger women are less inclined to be with older men because biologically they simply are no longer the best bet. Add in the fact that women more often then not support themselves now and have their own jobs while men bemoan paying, older men bring even less to the table then before. A woman has even less reason to with an older man since he might not bring money to the table like the good ole olden days. He will still expect her to work AND bring in his older sperm. Not really a great bet.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Older men need to be more realistic about their own age and aging process. More research has come out and is coming out all the time about how older father's affect their own children. And we aren't talking about 40+ men. We are talking 30+.

 

I suspect as more information comes into light, and we are already seeing more of this, younger women are less inclined to be with older men because biologically they simply are no longer the best bet. Add in the fact that women more often then not support themselves now and have their own jobs while men bemoan paying, older men bring even less to the table then before. A woman has even less reason to with an older man since he might not bring money to the table like the good ole olden days. He will still expect her to work AND bring in his older sperm. Not really a great bet.

 

agreed. Not sure what some older men really think they are bringing to the table.

 

In my observation, they use the bio dad excuse to hit on younger women. Nothing more than that. Most of them aren't really all that serious about starting a family either. If they were, they would have gotten on it alot sooner.

 

Women who are sincerely interested in starting a family need to be wary of these men... A woman's (easy) reproductive years don't last long. The last thing she needs is an indecisive, post-player commitment-phobe who all of a sudden wants to be a dad (or says he does) just to get some younger tail.

 

If they lost their opportunities in their younger years, they have no right to expect a younger woman to make up the difference for them.

 

In fact, I'd argue that some men's expectation (ie, I can wait till I'm 40-50 to settle down, then I'll find me a young thing to start a family with) is really negative and selfish.

Edited November 25, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[tigressA]

agreed. Not sure what some older men really think they are bringing to the table.

 

In my observation, they use the bio dad excuse to hit on younger women. Nothing more than that. Most of them aren't really all that serious about starting a family either. If they were, they would have gotten on it alot sooner.

 

If they lost their opportunities in their younger years, they have no right to expect a younger woman to make up the difference for them.

 

In fact, I'd argue that some men's expectation (ie, I can wait till I'm 40-50 to settle down, then I'll find me a young thing to start a family with) is really negative and selfish.

 

I tend to agree...I had a friend who became involved with a former professor of hers who is quite literally twice her age. They got married soon after she got pregnant, and now they have two kids. I hope she enjoys a role as caretaker to her husband once their children are grown.

 

Older people--men and women--having children just doesn't sit right with me. The same applies to couples with massive age differences having children--mostly older men/younger women since that's the pairing most likely to yield biological children.

[aj22one]

Older men need to be more realistic about their own age and aging process. More research has come out and is coming out all the time about how older father's affect their own children. And we aren't talking about 40+ men. We are talking 30+.

 

I suspect as more information comes into light, and we are already seeing more of this, younger women are less inclined to be with older men because biologically they simply are no longer the best bet. Add in the fact that women more often then not support themselves now and have their own jobs while men bemoan paying, older men bring even less to the table then before. A woman has even less reason to with an older man since he might not bring money to the table like the good ole olden days. He will still expect her to work AND bring in his older sperm. Not really a great bet.

 

You should check out my thread about age and dating: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t307757/

 

Admittedly this was very limited and I would like to maybe expand it at some point, but what I found is that where I live (DMV area) women prefer older men to the exclusion of younger men. I hate to say it, but men are actually going to be successful shooting for women 4-6 years younger.

[Tayla]

And vice versa, the points are clear.

[Emilia]

 

It's the single mother's I meet with kids my own age & seeing they will expect me to treat her kids like my own (because the father is just a child support payment & usually wants nothing else to do with the kids) but they will never do the same for mine.

 

 

That's very interesting. Why is that you think? I have never dated anyone with kids so I haven't experienced anything similar.

[ThsAmericanLife]

You should check out my thread about age and dating: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t307757/

 

Admittedly this was very limited and I would like to maybe expand it at some point, but what I found is that where I live (DMV area) women prefer older men to the exclusion of younger men. I hate to say it, but men are actually going to be successful shooting for women 4-6 years younger.

 

One thing your study didn't (and couldn't) follow up on... how many of these actually ended up being successful pairings?

 

I'd argue that those women aren't necessarily acting on their preferences. They are acting on what they think they can get based on what our culture has told them to expect. (Like your post, BTW).

 

Take a closer look at what the women here on LS are saying.... all other things considered, we want someone closer to our own age.

 

In other words... if they have choices among the men their own age, they will pick him over the older one. Hands down.

 

Will some older men be able to 'get' the less desirable younger woman? Sure. And I'd also argue that 4-6 years isn't a huge age gap for anyone. I go +/- 5 years myself.

 

Unfortunately, these same guys are usually shooting for -10 to -15. Ridiculous.

[grkBoy]

IRC333, I'd tell you to simply email those women unless you see in their profiles "copy" (the "about me" section) that they want kids and go all on about it.

 

I'm sure many put "yes", but really forgot they did. You never know. You meet, fall in love, marry, but she'll think "eh" on the kid thing, or want a dog.

 

Get to know the person beyond the profile, then decide.

[aj22one]

One thing your study didn't (and couldn't) follow up on... how many of these actually ended up being successful pairings?

 

I'd argue that those women aren't necessarily acting on their preferences. They are acting on what they think they can get based on what our culture has told them to expect. (Like your post, BTW).

 

Take a closer look at what the women here on LS are saying.... all other things considered, we want someone closer to our own age.

 

In other words... if they have choices among the men their own age, they will pick him over the older one. Hands down.

 

Will some older men be able to 'get' the less desirable younger woman? Sure. And I'd also argue that 4-6 years isn't a huge age gap for anyone. I go +/- 5 years myself.

 

Unfortunately, these same guys are usually shooting for -10 to -15. Ridiculous.

 

Yeah. I mean I'm not advocating that that men and women adhere to these age "rules" or what have you. My own gf is only a few months younger than me, I don't think I could date someone much younger.

 

But, I kind of wonder whether it's a chicken and egg thing. That is, men know women prefer older men so they shoot for the younger ones, or whether women just feel like older men are more mature than the men their own age. I really just don't know.

 

Besides, online dating does allow people to sort of "niche shop" as it were, a lot more than regular dating does. I mean you have an Asian fetish? Indulge it. Got a thing for red heads? All good. You can't necessarily do that offline.

Edited November 25, 2011 by aj22one

[ThsAmericanLife]

Yeah. I mean I'm not advocating that that men and women adhere to these age "rules" or what have you. My own gf is only a few months younger than me, I don't think I could date someone much younger.

 

But, I kind of wonder whether it's a chicken and egg thing. That is, men know women prefer older men so they shoot for the younger ones, or whether women just feel like older men are more mature than the men their own age. I really just don't know.

 

Besides, online dating does allow people to sort of "niche shop" as it were, a lot more than regular dating does. I mean you have an Asian fetish? Indulge it. Got a thing for red heads? All good. You can't necessarily do that offline.

 

Fair enough.

 

I think me and the other poster have both read one too many threads here written or posted on by men who say that women over 30 are past their 'prime'... and these are from men who are not interested in starting families. This is why I caution women against dating men with these preferences... It's not their reproductive ability they are exactly going for.

 

None of my female friends say they are interested in older men. And by older, I mean more than a few years. Five years tops is about their comfort level. Among my friends who have been married the longest, they all married someone very close to their own age... some younger some older. That's probably not surprising either... they got married in their mid to late 20's.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

ThsAmericanLife

agreed. Not sure what some older men really think they are bringing to the table.

 

In my observation, they use the bio dad excuse to hit on younger women. Nothing more than that. Most of them aren't really all that serious about starting a family either. If they were, they would have gotten on it alot sooner.

 

Plus, at the end of the day, the only ones that will suffer for an older father waiting are his own children! He is the brining them in with his potentially aging and faultly sperm. It certainly isn't going to be women that men are thwarting. When men aren't honest about their own aging process the only ones they are potentially harming are their very own children. How selfish is that?

 

My brother is 33 and has wanted to have a family for the past several years. He has seriously been dating looking for someone special. He's had his ups and downs and he dates women his own age. He's not going around talking about how much time he said. Infact, we were talking about it today and he said that he doesn't have as much time to waste anymore because of *his* age. He is being honest about his situation and I respect that about him. Now if he has kids at 40, I see no problem with that. It will happen when it happens. But at least he isn't running around acting like he is still 25 thinking he has all the time in the world and casterating women his own age. He's honest about his own aging process.

 

Women who are sincerely interested in starting a family need to be wary of these men... A woman's (easy) reproductive years don't last long. The last thing she needs is an indecisive, post-player commitment-phobe who all of a sudden wants to be a dad (or says he does) just to get some younger tail.

 

I couldn't agree more. Men that display such mindsets aren't even good bets for younger women.

 

If they lost their opportunities in their younger years, they have no right to expect a younger woman to make up the difference for them.

 

Nope. But too many men here on this board try act like that because they got rejected when they were younger, they *deserve* something when they were older. Well, I get rejected too. Does that mean I *deserve* a younger man?

Of course not.

[fortyninethousand322]

Nope. But too many men here on this board try act like that because they got rejected when they were younger, they *deserve* something when they were older. Well, I get rejected too. Does that mean I *deserve* a younger man?

Of course not.

 

What does that even mean? Does that mean that I, as a 23 year old shouldn't be open to dating a younger women (say 18-19) but that I should be open to say a 30 year old?

 

I certainly don't think I deserve, or expect anything, but if I get to be 30 years old still in the same position I am in now, you can best believe that I will be open to dating younger women. What's the down side for me?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

What does that even mean? Does that mean that I, as a 23 year old shouldn't be open to dating a younger women (say 18-19) but that I should be open to say a 30 year old?

 

I certainly don't think I deserve, or expect anything, but if I get to be 30 years old still in the same position I am in now, you can best believe that I will be open to dating younger women. What's the down side for me?

 

I don't see anything wrong with a 23 year old man dating a girl 18-19. I do see something strange about a 30 year old man looking to date 18 year olds.

 

I also don't always see something wrong in older men with younger women as a generality. But around this board a lot of talk down about women as they age while they act like they get better. They talk about how that's just reality. But it's not. It's how they wish life was. Everyone gets older. And it's a good thing because I have to say, I like myself a heck of a lot more now then I did when I was younger. The only kind of older men a woman should stay away from our men that think younger women are better. Now an older man that dates all ages and likes women of all ages? That is different and says something about how he views women in a positive light vs then lay claim to excuses for just dating younger women or setting up restrictions on women because of their age while they try to talk themselves up for their own age. I hope that makes more sense.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I don't see anything wrong with a 23 year old man dating a girl 18-19. I do see something strange about a 30 year old man looking to date 18 year olds.

 

I also don't always see something wrong in older men with younger women as a generality. But around this board a lot of talk down about women as they age while they act like they get better. They talk about how that's just reality. But it's not. It's how they wish life was. Everyone gets older. And it's a good thing because I have to say, I like myself a heck of a lot more now then I did when I was younger. The only kind of older men a woman should stay away from our men that think younger women are better. Now an older man that dates all ages and likes women of all ages? That is different and says something about how he views women in a positive light vs then lay claim to excuses for just dating younger women or setting up restrictions on women because of their age while they try to talk themselves up for their own age. I hope that makes more sense.

 

That pretty much sums up my viewpoint on it too.

 

I have some other opinions on extreme differences (as most are aware)... but other than that, it is the expectations that bother me... especially when they expect ME to do something they themselves wouldn't do.

[Queen Zenobia]

That pretty much sums up my viewpoint on it too.

 

I have some other opinions on extreme differences (as most are aware)... but other than that, it is the expectations that bother me... especially when they expect ME to do something they themselves wouldn't do.

 

Hmm. I don't find men preferring younger women to be as egregious as you and DY do, as long as there's no sense of entitlement with it. It's really no different than an overweight person wanting to date thinner people. You have your right to your standards, but no right to have that person shipped to your door.

 

If an older man wants to date only women who are a decade or more younger than him, so be it and good luck with your search. But, it he values a successful and fulfilling dating life, he'd probably be better off expanding his criteria a little bit.

[Negative Nancy]

Women who are sincerely interested in starting a family need to be wary of these men... A woman's (easy) reproductive years don't last long. The last thing she needs is an indecisive, post-player commitment-phobe who all of a sudden wants to be a dad (or says he does) just to get some younger tail.

 

or men who string women along by telling her that, sure, they want a family one day, just not yet...but what they fail to disclose is that they don't necessarily want a family with her. and then all of a sudden the woman finds herself dumped in her thirties and has a much harder time starting a family because finding another suitable man takes time and by the time she found him she might have no shot at having kids anymore. while the men can still relatively easy become a father by hooking up with someone younger. women get the short end of the stick so they should watch out who they're pairing themselves up with. that's why i recently told my bf that if he doesn't see us going anywhere as far as family goes he should tell me so that i'd have at least another chance at starting one some day. maybe i don't want kids, i am kinda indecisive at the moment, but i'd like to be given the option to make that decision at least.