My ex GF contacted me after more than 15 years!

[SimonMas]

About 15 years ago, I was dating my ex gf. We were both in our 20s. She was an air stewardess and she was hot and she could have easily hooked up with anyone she chose. However she chose me and I was the happiest guy at that time. We were really close and we got to know each other’s family very well. As a matter a fact, her family treated me as one of their own.

 

Because of her work schedule, we met up quite irregularly but we hung out whenever she was back in town. We trusted each other so that wasn’t a big issue. However, to cut the long story short, she left me. She felt that she couldn’t be with me when she was holding to this irregular work schedule she was having and she was also blaming me for all the wrongs I have done (actually they were quite minor faults but I couldn’t see it then). She started picking fault with me. At that time, I was a total fool and felt guilty. I apologized to her. I was in tears. I called her, I sent her flowers, wrote love letters but she ignored me. She went on NC with me then she started contacting me when I thought I was slowly recovering. From her tone of her voice and her words, she was giving me false hope. I thought things were going well and I wanted to surprise her. So I went to the airport (which was an hour away) with a bouquet of flowers when I knew she was arriving to pick her up. Instead of being grateful, she got annoyed with me. I must say she is very independent and has a strong personality. Looking back, I don’t think it would have work for us in the long run but I digress.

 

I must say I was really hurt. I wasn’t eating right, couldn’t sleep well and I wasn’t able to concentrate on my work. When I met her in the airport, she didn’t turn me down. She allowed me to take her home which was an hour away. I thought we could have a nice conversation during that 1 hour and hopefully reconcile. Boy, was I wrong! She was cold towards me. I was doing the talking and she was listening. She said she was too tired to respond or talk. When we got to her place, she said she will take her own luggage and funny thing, she took the flowers as well (maybe she didn’t want to hurt me). She then turned and looked at me and said “I don’t think you understand. I don’t want to be with you anymore so please do yourself a favor and stopped contacting me”. I was stunned but those words were exactly the CLOSURE I needed. Finally, I have accepted that she dumped me and she made her intention very clear, she wasn’t kidding. Funny thing was that I suddenly felt a heavy burden lifted from my body and I wasn’t that emotional anymore.

 

I took some time to slowly adjust to my new life. I started to get rid of the routines I had with her. Of course the memories were there and I tried to disassociate myself and spend more time doing work and less on socializing. A close buddy of mine could see that I wasn’t living a healthy life by being a workaholic. He invited me to join a group of friends to do some outdoor trekking. I wasn’t keen and I didn’t feel like meeting anyone new. He was adamant that I went so I did just that. After a couple more of outdoor trekkings, I met my soon to be future wife. She is pretty, caring, understanding and we both made each other laugh. We went out for a year and then we got married. We are now happily married for 10 years and have 2 beautiful kids.

 

The strange thing after more than 15 years, my ex gf tracked me down through Facebook. She sent me a message and requested me to be her friend which I did not accept as it wouldn’t be fair to my wife whom I love dearly and to my kids who are also my Facebook friends. My ex gf has left the airlines, went to college and is holding a senior management position in a large company. One day, she discovered where I was working and paid me a visit without announcing. My secretary buzzed me and I didn’t want to be rude, so I asked my secretary to show her in. Physically, she still look stunning but like all of us she has aged and so am I. She sat down and we had a friendly chat. She looked around my office and saw photos of my kids and wife. She commented that I am very lucky to have such a wonderful family. All the while she was doing the talking like how I met my wife and about my kids. I answered her questions, didn’t want to be rude. I didn’t ask anything about her personal life. She gave me some premiums (gifts) from her office and she left. We exchanged cards and left it at that.

 

I went home and told my wife about it. My wife knew about my previous relationship with her as I have told her about it. My wife said to me she trusted me and thanked me for telling her. A few days later, my ex gf called me at my office to see if we can meet for lunch as there were a lot of catching up to do after more than 15 years. I didn’t give her a definite answer as I am not sure why after 15 years, suddenly she wanted to contact me all of a sudden. She has sent me a few e-mails recalling our happy memories together which I have ignored and did not reply. I have moved on why can’t she? What should I do? Should I have lunch with her? Perhaps she has not find her CLOSURE and maybe at least as a friend, I should help her to find CLOSURE? As far as I know, she never got married and from what I gather is probably still single. I have no intention of rekindling our old relationship but I don’t mind being her friend. At the same time, I do not want to hurt my wife.

[Afishwithabike]

Let it go.

 

Don't keep in touch with her. You're not two kids from summer camp writing to each other about the school year.

 

She's a grown woman. She's had other relationships since your time with her over 15 years ago. She doesn't need closure. Most of us go through life fine without getting closure in relationships. Closure is overrated. Stuff happens. People move on. The truth is she didn't want to be with you at one point and ended the relationship. Looks to me like she's fishing for something new. Right now it might seem innocent on your side, but continuing to keep in touch with stunning woman who was a former girlfriend = very bad news for your marriage.

 

If you plan to have any more contact with her, make sure your wife is there each time and is copied on each email and is there for each phone conversation. I bet that will end any more attempts by your ex GF to keep in touch with you.

[SimonMas]

I just received another e-mail from my ex GF saying it was really nice seeing me after 15 years. I have sent her a short reply, "I can't have lunch with you. Thanks anyway". It was done on a new e-mail. I did not refer to any of her earlier e-mails which I ignored. Not long after that I got a reply from her saying "Ok, hope to see you when you are not so busy" I did not say I was busy, she just assumed I couldn't have lunch with her because I was busy. On one hand, I am letting this thing go but on the other I am just curious why she wants to meet up with me? I must admit, her sudden interest in me has boosted my ego

 

Anyway, I will leave at that and hope that is the end of it. Thanks

Edited November 25, 2011 by SimonMas

[yzyzyz325]

you have a nice wife and a great family. i dont understand what do u need the ego for

[twinkles]

Sorry to burst your bubble but the only one having an ego boost is her.

 

She is trying to see if she has still got it and you are stupidly falling for her tricks.

 

She must be at a very low point in her life emotionally. Why after all these years is she persuing you? Can't she find someone else? Will her destroying your marriage and family make her feel better?

 

Don't go out for lunch with her. You have a family that loves you.

 

I know it feels like an ego boost but really in the end it is your life that will be destroyed when she leaves again. She is playing you. This is all about her and has nothing to do with you.

Just give her the same line she fed you "I don't want to be with you anymore so please stop contacting me".

[smudge21]

If she keeps on, then meet her for lunch... well, by that I mean invite her to join you, the wife and your children for lunch. Maybe the two women will get along, who knows. It may show her that you no longer have any feelings for her but are happy to be polite and a friend, but nothing more as you have found happiness.

 

I reckon she's bounced from idiot to moron and back again throughout her life and something has reminded her of you - maybe you were the one nice positive thing she ever had and she let it go. When we get older, it's easy to recognise the errors we made and have regrets. I can look back over some old flames and would love to make contact with them - not to start anything, just to say hi really. A few of them there is some guilt over how I treated them, so maybe it's a way to fix that. But I won't do it - I have looked them up on Facebook and they're happy, most of them are anyway, so that's fine for me.

 

This woman may well want that ego boost, but she's no longer a teenager or a girl in her early twenties travelling the world. I just think that if it continues then you need to sort it out, simply by asking why has she come back now? What does she want? Remind her you're happy and what happened is so long ago there are no hard feelings (in case it is a guilt thing). I don't know, I can only guess.

[Afishwithabike]

I just received another e-mail from my ex GF saying it was really nice seeing me after 15 years. I have sent her a short reply, "I can't have lunch with you. Thanks anyway". It was done on a new e-mail. I did not refer to any of her earlier e-mails which I ignored. Not long after that I got a reply from her saying "Ok, hope to see you when you are not so busy" I did not say I was busy, she just assumed I couldn't have lunch with her because I was busy. On one hand, I am letting this thing go but on the other I am just curious why she wants to meet up with me? I must admit, her sudden interest in me has boosted my ego

 

Anyway, I will leave at that and hope that is the end of it. Thanks

 

I think you handled it fine. Don't feel you HAVE to respond to any more of her emails. Also, tell your wife that this woman has been in contact with you. I'm sure if the situation were reversed, you'd probably want to know if an ex-boyfriend came into her life.

 

This woman is playing you. I agree with the others who say it's an ego boost for her. "Do I still have it?" "Does he still find me attractive?"

 

If the past you two had was so great and if she liked it so much, why did she break up? The answer doesn't matter. There was something that caused her to end the relationship and I would choose to leave it at that. What matters is she moved on with her life. So did you. Keep it that way. If you are married and basically happy in your life, keep memories, memories.

 

Closure comes from within. It's not something anyone can give anyone else. It comes from not spending mental energy on a broken relationship. It comes from realizing the relationship is over and one must move on. Did she get closure with each relationship she's had since then? Nope. So she's not looking for closure. Why does she need you as a friend and why now in your stage of life when you've had professional success?

My husband and I have made it a rule not to keep old partners as "friends". It's good to have strong personal boundaries to protect a current relationship.

 

Ignore any more emails. After all, who knows maybe those emails were sent to your Spam/Junk folder. In fact, you could block her email address altogether so you don't see anymore emails from her.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

IF you can completely rule-out the chance she has a 14/15yo kid, then just leave her in the past and know you've done the right thing by your present family.

[SimonMas]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

 

That was my one and only e-mail to her. I have no intention to contact her any further. I am looking forward to having a good weekend with my wife and kids.

 

SincereOnlineGuy -I doubt she has any kids. When she saw the photos of my kids in my office, there was a tinge of regret in her voice when she commented that if only she has kids and a wonderful family like mine. I didn’t say anything and neither did I ask her or pursue along that line. I felt that her love life is no longer my business and I was just being polite having the friendly chat with her.

 

She has not contacted me and maybe she finally got the hint from my last e-mail. I will keep all of you posted if there is any further contact from but I doubt there will be any. Thanks again

[twinkles]

Squeeze and hug your family and tell them how much you love them.

 

There are alot of us here that would love to have what you have.

 

You are an honourable man and thank you for doing what is right.

 

Let her do the regretting and you keep your eyes on the prize...your family.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yep whatever you do don't fall for it, even out of curiosity. You don't know this woman and she doesn't know you anymore, she's living in the past and wants to see if you were unhappy with your marriage and willing to open up to her.

 

As others have said, you are fortunate for what you have don't test it.

[fucpcg]

Squeeze and hug your family and tell them how much you love them.

 

There are alot of us here that would love to have what you have.

Perfectly stated

[SimonMas]

The weirdest thing happened this morning. Came into the office and there was a beautifully wrapped package sitting on my table. I opened it and there was a bottle of what used to be my favorite cologne. There was a card attached to it. It was from the ex gf. She said that she was at the shopping mall on Saturday and saw the cologne which I liked and got it for me as an early Christmas gift. Actually I used to like that cologne but stopped using it after the ex gf and I broke up many years ago. I wanted then to distant myself from everything that reminded me of her as part of the healing process. The last time she got me the cologne was for my birthday. It was quite expensive but she got it at a cheaper price at one of the overseas duty free shops when she was still flying as an air stewardess

 

I sent her a short thank you note. Not less than 5 minutes, I got reply from her:

 

“You can thank me by taking me to lunch :)" She ended her e-mail with a smiley. Not sure whether the smiley indicates it was meant to be a joke or something else. I have not responded to that e-mail.

 

I have not told my wife about the cologne as I didn’t want to cause jealousy or hurt her. Should I tell her?

 

I was thinking maybe I should just have lunch with the ex gf and get it over once and for all. Perhaps, I would take up the suggestion by someone who said I should bring my wife as well. Someone suggested that I should bring my kids as well but I will leave my kids out of it as they should not be involved.

 

What do you think?

Edited November 29, 2011 by SimonMas

[PositiveNegative]

Wow, she is pushing hard. I mean, this is like "movie" style pushing from her.

 

Wayne's World, anyone? She is a psycho hose beast who has home-wrecker written all over her. Seems she is fishing around for something that was good once.

 

Bring your wife to lunch with her? I mean, honestly, think if someone you knew told you that they were doing that. You know it's not a good idea. You can't even tell her about the cologne.

 

I think it's time you tell her to leave you alone.

[J0N]

I am far younger than you but you should listen to my advice.

 

You have a great life now. Meet her, and tell her what she told you 15 years ago. Leave it at that, only bad things will come from her being in your life.

[J0N]

One more thing, don't hide anything from your wife. She matters, your ex doesn't.

 

You need to be honest with your ex, if you don't nip this in the butt it could cause serious problems in your marriage.

 

My sister recently married a great guy. She got a Facebook friend request along with a message (looking to re kindle, sounded similar to your situation) from an ex from years back. It caused a serious fight, one that almost split them up. After the fight, she called the ex and was very frank with him, that was the end of that. They both even deleted their Facebook accounts. They made an agreement to be 100% honest with other. They are very happily married now and expecting in a few months. They laugh about this whole ordeal now.

[twinkles]

I'm wondering why you are considering this lunch date.

 

I'm with JON on this one let your wife know what's going on. Ask her if she would mind meeting the ex for lunch to return the perfume.

 

Women are so territorial and she'll respond like a lion protecting her cubs. If you need an ego boost your wife will give it to you.

[Afishwithabike]

The weirdest thing happened this morning. Came into the office and there was a beautifully wrapped package sitting on my table. I opened it and there was a bottle of what used to be my favorite cologne. There was a card attached to it. It was from the ex gf. She said that she was at the shopping mall on Saturday and saw the cologne which I liked and got it for me as an early Christmas gift. Actually I used to like that cologne but stopped using it after the ex gf and I broke up many years ago. I wanted then to distant myself from everything that reminded me of her as part of the healing process. The last time she got me the cologne was for my birthday. It was quite expensive but she got it at a cheaper price at one of the overseas duty free shops when she was still flying as an air stewardess

 

I sent her a short thank you note. Not less than 5 minutes, I got reply from her:

 

“You can thank me by taking me to lunch :)" She ended her e-mail with a smiley. Not sure whether the smiley indicates it was meant to be a joke or something else. I have not responded to that e-mail.

 

I have not told my wife about the cologne as I didn’t want to cause jealousy or hurt her. Should I tell her?

 

I was thinking maybe I should just have lunch with the ex gf and get it over once and for all. Perhaps, I would take up the suggestion by someone who said I should bring my wife as well. Someone suggested that I should bring my kids as well but I will leave my kids out of it as they should not be involved.

 

What do you think?

 

You're playing with fire.

 

DO NOT contact this woman. Don't meet with her. Don't have lunch with her.

 

You thanked her for the gift. That's enough. Frankly, I would have returned the gift to her company or not have responded at all. You're being really naive here. From where I stand as an objective disinterested third party, this whole thing (if true) doesn't look good at all. I don't send old boyfriends who are married unsolicited gifts. People who do that have ulterior motives. Cologne is a personal gift. She went out of her way to send you something to jog your memories.

 

Why meet with this woman? She's luring you in and you're falling for it. Look at your reaction to the cologne. You're already feeling obligated to do something when you don't have to. She seems to know how to play you. Remind yourself you owe her nothing. She's the past. Leave it there. First she visits you at your office unannounced and gives you premium gifts from her company. Then she continues contact via emails. Now she gives you a very personal gift. Next it's lunch. Then maybe some conversation on the phone. Then it will be asking you to dinner and then on. You'll feel more and more obligated until one day you'll really do something that will completely jeopardize your family life. Put your ego aside. Think rationally about what you're doing. You like this woman's attention and you're thinking you can control your reaction. You're thinking that you can keep talking to her maybe meeting her for lunch and you'll still be a faithful family guy that you like to think you are. It doesn't work that way. We all have residual feelings for old boyfriends and girlfriends. They can ignite a reaction in us better than a complete stranger.

 

Tell your wife about the gift. Tell your wife this woman wants to meet with you again. Tell your wife this woman has been pursuing you. Your wife deserves to know the truth. You're being dishonest if you don't tell her this. You say you don't want to hurt her, but isn't it more that you want to have some limited contact with this other woman without your wife knowing about it? You haven't cheated. I'm not saying you have. However, if it were me, I would want to know if another woman was pursuing my husband. It's something that affects my married life and I deserve the truth. To not tell your wife is to have a secret between you and this other woman.

 

What you should do is nip this in the bud NOW. Tell her you don't want any more contact. Tell her you don't want any more gifts. Tell her to please leave you alone. You love your wife and you wouldn't do anything that could be misconstrued. Email her and then block this woman's email.

Edited November 29, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[PlumPrincess]

The weirdest thing happened this morning. Came into the office and there was a beautifully wrapped package sitting on my table. I opened it and there was a bottle of what used to be my favorite cologne. There was a card attached to it. It was from the ex gf. She said that she was at the shopping mall on Saturday and saw the cologne which I liked and got it for me as an early Christmas gift. Actually I used to like that cologne but stopped using it after the ex gf and I broke up many years ago. I wanted then to distant myself from everything that reminded me of her as part of the healing process. The last time she got me the cologne was for my birthday. It was quite expensive but she got it at a cheaper price at one of the overseas duty free shops when she was still flying as an air stewardess

 

I sent her a short thank you note. Not less than 5 minutes, I got reply from her:

 

“You can thank me by taking me to lunch :)" She ended her e-mail with a smiley. Not sure whether the smiley indicates it was meant to be a joke or something else. I have not responded to that e-mail.

 

I have not told my wife about the cologne as I didn’t want to cause jealousy or hurt her. Should I tell her?

 

I was thinking maybe I should just have lunch with the ex gf and get it over once and for all. Perhaps, I would take up the suggestion by someone who said I should bring my wife as well. Someone suggested that I should bring my kids as well but I will leave my kids out of it as they should not be involved.

 

What do you think?

Perfum is a pretty classical gift when you want to express romantic interest in someone. This expensive, considerate and very personal gift means that she is wooing you and you should ignore her if you don't want to get dragged into something muddy.

[SimonMas]

The truth has finally been revealed! This morning, I had a meeting with a guy from our strategic planning department. He mentioned to me that there is a particular company which is aggressively pursuing a project from us. The name of that particular company sounded familiar. Anyway after the meeting, I checked the ex gf’s business card and it was confirmed that she is the senior executive in that company! Now that makes a lot of sense why she was trying to be close to me….trying to rekindle our past relationship. The ex gf was never interested in me (thank God for that), she only wanted things that can benefit her (in this case, getting the contract from ourcompany). I wonder what would have happened if I met her for lunch. As Afishwithabike said, “lunch, followed by phone calls, dinner……etc”. She was trying to sweeten me up or if I dare say, trying to “seduce” me in getting the contract. Thanks everyone for pointing out to me that there is an ulterior motive behind this sweetness she was displaying.

 

Anyway, I have returned the bottle of cologne together with her other premium gifts with a short note to say that I can’t accept anything from her due to possible conflict of interest. I have also told the secretary not to accept or entertain any calls from her. In fact, she did call me in the afternoon (I suppose she must have got back the things) but her call was not accepted. Any further contact from her would be diverted to the relevant dept of the company, I will not entertain such calls, for good corporate governance.

 

I did not inform my wife about cologne or anything else. as I felt there is no need to. There is no romance here. This is just pure business, so to speak.

 

The funny thing was when I found out, I wasn’t angry. As a matter a fact I had a good laugh. I must say the ex gf is good, really good. She is manipulative and competitive. I know she has always been competitive even when we were dating but manipulative? I suppose it comes with experience and her strong personality.

 

JON – thanks for the advice and the sharing of your sister’s story. You may be young but you are definitely mature in your thinking. I read some of your posts. You are heading the right track. That was exactly what I did 15 years ago, by getting rid of the old routines with the ex gf. Remember, the ex can only cause the hurt but we are DOING the hurting. Come to think of it, why would you want to hurt yourself? Get a move on and you will be fine. Perhaps, 15 years later you will come back to share a similar story in LS??

[Sugarkane]

It always makes me laugh when someone who couldn't wait to get far away from you as possible and didn't remotely care about giving you closure, YEARS later contacts you. WTF?

 

Why do these people wait so long? Did she remotely care when YOU needed closure? Why do they even wait decades to contact?

 

When I hear stories like this I always wish that the dumpee would be as equally cold and rude as the dumper was. What do they expect? They don't care when it's us!

 

Did she think that you would never move on or something? I swear the nerve of these people! Yet hilariously if the dumpee contacts them, we're somehow the nutjobs! What a joke!

[twinkles]

I love happy endings.

[Afishwithabike]

Good. Think you handled it well especially returning the gifts that really came with strings attached.

[wilsonx]

It always makes me laugh when someone who couldn't wait to get far away from you as possible and didn't remotely care about giving you closure, YEARS later contacts you. WTF?

 

Why do these people wait so long? Did she remotely care when YOU needed closure? Why do they even wait decades to contact?

 

When I hear stories like this I always wish that the dumpee would be as equally cold and rude as the dumper was. What do they expect? They don't care when it's us!

 

Did she think that you would never move on or something? I swear the nerve of these people! Yet hilariously if the dumpee contacts them, we're somehow the nutjobs! What a joke!

 

Closure is each person's responsibility to find themselves, one doesnt owe another person closure. Read some of the breakups where ex's are complete *******'s or bitches and wreck someone's confidence etc which take years to recover from, especially insecure people.

 

This thread shows that people don't change. Manipulative people stay manipulative 15+ years later. Some food for thought for those thinking about reconciliation after blame pointing breakups.

[Sugarkane]

I totally agree with you Wilson. I just can't fathom why the OP would even consider talking to this woman, let alone anything more.