letter to my exW

[Lucid1]

Hi friends,

Oh boy. Here we go. This is part of a letter I wrote to my exW. And yes, it’s mostly my way of venting, catharsis. (Just posting this is merely catharis, release and blowing off steam. I just want someone else to know how I feel.) Married 13 years, together 20, one adopted son, then out of the blue, Walk Away Wife syndrome. We’ve been NC almost totally since the day she filed the papers and totally since the divorce was final. We communicate visitation though google calendar. I was just too pissed off to even see her or hear her voice and now it’s just the way we do it. I had to write her about some legal stuff (I'm going for more visitation) and the letter just grew. In addition, she had talked to our pre-divorce therapist and had commented that she didn’t understand my hostility. So I sat down to write. After I was done I realized the letter was mostly an attempt at emotional manipulation. I didn’t want the divorce and so felt betrayed. Well, maybe it is, but so be it. I hope she reads it and cries for a week.

 

Dr K is our pre-divorce therapist, R is our son, A and K are my grandaughters. TKD is an after school sports program our son attends. M was the OM for awhile.

 

The letter, minus the legal stuff:

 

My anger has two parts, both of which I am working on. First was my anger at you. You accuse me of being hostile. Well, no ****. Not only am I angry at what this has done to our son and will do to him for the rest of his life and what this has done to my girls, I was very angry for what you did to us. I have let go of much of that anger, thanks to Dr K. I am no longer so hostile because of the way you treated me. I have come a long ways and I never was so stupid or insensitive as to not understand that you have a side to this story. I told you I have changed, and that’s the truth. I understand you, me, and us now more than you will ever have the priveledge of knowing. And while I am not all the way there yet, I no longer feel the animosity I did or a need to hurt you back.

 

But let me ask you again: Was our family really, seriously, so dysfunctional that it had to be destroyed?

 

You betrayed and humiliated me in the deepest, cruelest manner possible. Do you remember walking into the computer room and telling me “This doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you, but watch this.” Then you proceeded to do some sexy dance walk. (She was doing a dance/exercise class at the time.)

 

The staggering cruelty of that action is beyond belief to me even now.

 

And you wonder where my hostility came from?

 

Then there is this: No matter where I look, I find this kind of statement:

 

“Divorce hurts everyone. Fathers lose disposable income and routine contact with their children. (Q:Except in wartime, when else have loving fathers been legally torn from their own offspring? A: During slave auctions before black emancipation.) Women, too, become poorer and seldom meet Mr. Right. "By leaving instead of working on the marriage," notes Weiner-Davis, "a woman sets herself up for a repeat experience." And the havoc divorce wreaks on kids is axiomatic.

Divorce upends the worlds of perhaps a million U.S. children each year. Yet surely many of the rubbled marriages producing these family-disaster waifs are rescuable. Before granting divorces, states should mandate pro-family counseling that teaches men and women how to talk to each other.”

 

How many times did I try to make peace? Dozens? Maybe hundreds? But not once, of all the times I tried to reach out to you, both before and after the divorce, did you respond with anything but disdain, contempt or flat out sarcasm. I could write a page of examples. You threw as much **** in my face as you could find to throw.

Ok, fine. That’s over and done. You wanted to hurt me, well you damn sure accomplished that. You did more than hurt me, you killed part of me inside. I am getting past that.

 

What I cannot forget is what this has done and will do to R. The part of him you killed inside. This is part of his life now. “Yeah, when I was seven and a half, my parents split” is now his story. Instead of family vacations his childhood memories will now include being dropped off and picked up at Weigels like he’s a package. How you could do that to him is still beyond my comprehension.

 

You wonder at my continuing anger at you? It’s because of what you did to our son. I am angry that we, in fact, may not be able to keep R in a private school and that he will not have the opportunities he might have had. Have you realized yet that college is coming and we are going to have exactly the same problem? He may end up with less college opportunities even if we cooperate simply because we will be maintaining two households rather than one. Same thing is true for my daughters and for A and K. Now that we are divorced I don't access to the resources, both financial and personal, that we did while together. Niether do you. We can't help any of them them now as much as we might have otherwise.

Even if you marry that rich pretentious son of a bitch you were/are sleeping with and your financial worries are over, R will still lose opportunities because of this stupid visitation we are now locked into for the next eleven years.

 

I wonder how you can sleep at night.

 

Dr K said something about you commenting that I "was a better dad" now. Jesus H. Christ. What is that, fantasy fulfillment? You divorced me but it's ok, now I’m a "better dad"? What a twisted viewpoint. Was I not the dad who wrestled with him all the time? Who played bat-ball in the yard and threw Frisbee and drew games on the driveway in chalk? Who built him that swingset in the backyard? Who made up bedtime stories at night? When he threw something and broke a piece of glass in your china cabinet, did I get mad? O rdid I say “Can we fix it?” and then take him to the hardware store, show him how to buy a piece of glass, and then, together, we put it in?

I'm still doing what I can of that, but now I am severely limited by your decree. Right now the divorce papers say two weekends a month, remember? That’s four days. Four lousy days in which you expect me to “be a good dad?” Even with the extra time you have allowed so far that is only eight days a month. Eight days. Out of 30. Barely one-fourth the time a dad should have. Being a good dad isn’t a matter of spoiling him with activities every minute he’s with me. It’s being there. ALL THE TIME.

 

It is no longer possible for me to be as good of a dad as I was.

 

And now I have no support system. If I get sick I still have to take care of him. During the holidays it'll just be me and him in a dreary rental house with no family around to share it with. Why do you think I let you have Thanksgiving and Christmas? I can’t offer him much, but at least with you he’ll have family around. I have no real access to playdates for him, and I've tried. When he's at my house I have to try my best to entertain him every minute because I don't have a fenced backyard with a dog and a swingset and all the rest. I don't have a "home" fo rhim; I have a place to sleep. He has a bedroom with a bed and a dresser and a few toys and books. I don't have a grandma with a Wii and a pool or a grandpa with cool cars. I don’t have cousins and aunts and uncles who come to visit. I would like to take him to soccer like we used to but I can't take on a responsibility like that because I am on my own. Without a wife to help I can't sign him up for that since I'd never make it to enough games to make it work. I worry constantly about how to ensure he enjoys his time here and how to try and teach him things as he grows up. But I don't have a companion to share my child-rearing thoughts, ideas and concerns with, it's just me. I have no one to ask when I'm unsure. I can't feed him like you because you ignored my requests for recipes he likes and you know I'm no cook. He's going to be eating canned food,hamburger helper, fast food and spaghetti when he's at my house.

You imply that I should be taking him to TKD. Yet YOU ****ed around with M in front of the TKD group. I saw it, they saw it. Do you REALLY expect me to show my face there? Don't be so naive. So there's another "good dad" thing I can no longer do thanksto your actions

 

So no, I damn sure am NOT a better dad

 

I do what I can but the fact is I am constrained in many, many ways from being a "good dad" by thesituation. That breaks my heart. Thanks so much for putting me here.

 

And you wonder why I’m hostile.

Edited November 24, 2011 by Lucid1

[sad puppy]

Good for you, it's important to let those feelings out, very cathartic. Let it out, let it out, I feel your pain and anger, so just keep finding ways to let all that anger out.

 

But, after you have exhausted all that anger, you have no where to turn but forward, you must begin to move in the forward direction. First of all, you must not equate "being a good dad" with stuff like a pool, cool cars, wii, and all that. Yes, you are correct that your time is now greatly reduced, and you will need to work around those restraints. However, you can still be a great dad. Your kid will grow up and remember all the cool things you have done together, all the amazing things he has learned from you, do not forget that, or allow yourself to fall into some giant pity party for yourself. Don't do it. Keep your head up, be strong, and know, that in the future, your son will love and respect you very much. And it will not be about pools, wii, and cars. It will be about your never-ending devotion to him. He will know that. Have faith.

 

Change comes to us all, whether we welcome it or not. Take a deep breath and know you still are a great dad and your son knows that.

 

People suck, for sure, They lie, cheat, manipulate, control others - we all do it, have done it, or will do it. People are selfish, frail, make mistakes, ... We just have to find a way to accept all the bull**** and go with it, find ways to deflect it, and not let all this bull**** harm us, destroy us, take away our good mojo moving forward. Everyone here on LS has been through a lot of pain, from one side or the other, so take comfort in knowing you are not walking your path alone, and there are millions that will come after you, going through the same unfair garbage that is thrown their way.

 

Keep your chin up, give thanks for your great son in your life, your details of your relationship will change, but the love between you never will. Sending you peace.

[Lucid1]

Sad Puppy,

 

Thanks. Very well said and much appreciated. I am getting there, this letter feels very much like the last one I will be compelled to write. I'm sleeping now without waking up thinking about her, no longer is it the top topic in my thoughts all day at work. So, yes, I'm finally getting over it. The goal now is to be that great dad, in spite of the situation.

 

Best of luck to us all.