missmarple Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 I met a guy online about a month ago. He seemed immediately smitten and has been in touch with me every day since we met. We have a lot in common and live very close by each other. He is always the one to call and initiate contact. He has introduced me to his daughters, asked me to accompany him on a 2 day trip (i could not). He has already asked me to go with him next time in January. He came over to my house to fix something for me. Seems to go out of his way for me. Communicates well. He is very open and straightforward which I like. He treats me really well and tells me every day how much he likes me. His actions match his words and he seems genuinely sincere. So far, so good. EXCEPT, it bothers me that he is still logging on to the site where we met multiple times per day. We have not talked about being exclusive and I have not yet slept with him though things have gotten plenty physical. I understand this (continuing to log on) is a common issue with online dating. I have been tossing back and forth in my head on what to think and/or do about this. Thinking maybe it's too soon to address it, decided to adopt a wait and see attitude and focus on how he treats me instead for now. WELL, my girlfriend also has a profile on the same site and guess what? HE MESSAGED her today. I am so disappointed. I thought I had really met a nice and sincere person with whom I could potentially develop a real relationship with. Do I confront him? Dump him completely? I know we didn't discuss exclusivity, but this seems dishonest or at the very least I would say we have different dating styles and/or values. Or should I just pull back? Ask him if we are seeing other people? ANd conduct myself accordingly? Honestly, my attraction and interest has sort of taken a nose dive yet, I find it hard to believe that is was/is all insincere. His communication style is such that I would feel weird about just cutting contact without letting him know how I feel, but maybe I've seen all I need to see already?
Twos Company Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 That's quite a cutting thing to discover, I can totally relate to that sort of behaviour, having been on an online dating site myself. As soon as you think you've found someone worthwhile and who seems a good match, some behaviour manifests itself that shows them in a different light. It's obvious he's still searching for someone else, while also getting to know you...he is by no means as smitten as perhaps he first was, this shows he's liable to hurt you if you continue investing emotionally in him. You could be upfront with him but I don't think he is operating with the same set of values as you are, his dating style is at odds with yours and so pinning him will make him bolt anyway, I know the type of guy this is. I wouldn't say anything , let him carry on with his search, but withdraw from him and seek other options yourself.
Andy_K Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 If I wasn't having sex with a girl I'd been dating after a month, I'd be writing to other girls too.
Author missmarple Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 If I wasn't having sex with a girl I'd been dating after a month, I'd be writing to other girls too. Seriously? It is quite obvious that things are heading in that direction. Though he did not push (at all) for that to happen the last time we were together. He did say he was looking forward to it though in so many words. I'm not convinced that is the issue...
Twos Company Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 It's not about that, like the OP says, it was heading in that direction, he would know it was only a matter of time. The guy is keeping his options wide open.
Emilia Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 If I wasn't having sex with a girl I'd been dating after a month, I'd be writing to other girls too. Me too. I never commit to anyone fully until I had sex with them
Andy_K Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Seriously? It is quite obvious that things are heading in that direction. Though he did not push (at all) for that to happen the last time we were together. He did say he was looking forward to it though in so many words. I'm not convinced that is the issue... You could well be correct that this isn't the issue here. But sex for me is a sort of boundary. A milestone if you like. If I've slept with a girl I genuinely like enough to date, then that's it. I won't be dating or messaging other girls. If I haven't slept with her, then it depends on how the dating is going. If we're clearly moving in the right direction, as you seem to be here, then I almost certainly wouldn't actively be dating anyone else (since I'm not really into multi-dating) but that's not enough for me to cease all online communication too. I consider a month quite a long time to be dating before sex. Normal in my experience is 1-4 dates, which works out around 0-2 weeks.
Emilia Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 You don't have proper intimacy with someone until you have sex with them and the way you describe your 'relationship' with this guy OP sounds almost like a friendship. Sex and intimacy are hugely important when you are trying to work out long term compatibility. I broke up with men over not mashing in bed because the physical aspect of our relationship was never going to work. Until you have that lazy sex first thing in the morning with bad breath, messy hair and smudged make-up knowing you are really hot for each other you are only friends.
oaks Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Seriously? It is quite obvious that things are heading in that direction. Though he did not push (at all) for that to happen the last time we were together. He did say he was looking forward to it though in so many words. I'm not convinced that is the issue... It's obvious to you. Maybe it's not so obvious to him. It sounds like you want him to only be seeing you, and not be looking for anyone else and not be logging in to a dating site... so talk to him about that! Tell him that your friend told you that he messaged her and that he can't have you both. If it's obvious to you that things are heading towards having sex, and that he is someone with whom you "could potentially develop a real relationship with", then you should be able to talk with him! It doesn't have to be particularly confrontational, but if he's doing something you don't like or doing something that may wreck his chances with you then why wouldn't you tell him (given that you don't seem inclined to just walk away)?
DearAbby Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 The fact that he messaged your friend gives you a perfect opportunity to tell him about it. You don't have to be confrontational. Just be like my friend is on the site and she was talking to me about who contacted her and low and behold it was you. I know we are not in a committed relationship, but what are we doing here? Etc.
phineas Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 I think Oaks nailed it. My perspective, last yr I was in the exact same situation with a woman except we didn't meet online. We were just friends for a yr & then she wanted to date. almost 3 months later & we still wern't having sex even though she talked like she really wanted to. She claimed she was "afraid of getting hurt again" so like a jackass I let her dangle the sex-carrot in front of me. Turns out she was sleeping with an ex the whole time. And before that, same thing. woman was sleeping with an ex & withholding the sex after a few months. Since then I have made it clear to women that sex = exclusive. They can take all the time they want & I never push or set a time limit, but i'm not going to prioritize women that just want attention because the guy their sleeping with behind my back only uses them for sex. And before the angry "you just want sex" set chime's in, whether you believe it or not, women having an f-buddy while they shop around for mr. perfect is a lot more common than you can imagine. Especially at my age. It's rampant. Just because you don't do it doesn't mean it doesn't happen & also, i've learned women who do have f-buddy's usually keep it a secret from even their best friends. It happens. So I do not invest in women unless sex is on the table & since making that change life has been good. very good. Attention whores disappear. Women that want to sleep with me, sleep with me.
ChessPieceFace Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 You said you weren't exclusive and you knew he was logging into the dating site several times per day. What did you think he was doing on all those logins? Not communicating with anyone?
Feelsgoodman Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Seriously? It is quite obvious that things are heading in that direction. Though he did not push (at all) for that to happen the last time we were together. He did say he was looking forward to it though in so many words. I'm not convinced that is the issue... It may be obvious to you, but I bet it's not so obvious to him. This is the problem with waiting too long to have sex...the guy might assume you are playing him.
Trollhunter Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 You all are wasting your time with the OP. She went to ANOTHER forum asking for the same thing. http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/1434035-he-messaged-my-friend-should-i.html
Author missmarple Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 You all are wasting your time with the OP. She went to ANOTHER forum asking for the same thing. http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/1434035-he-messaged-my-friend-should-i.html So? I didn't realize I was only allowed to post on one internet forum. Since we have not had the exclusive talk, I assumed I was allowed to go on whatever websites I wanted. Genuinely interested in what people have to say. What's the problem?
phineas Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 So? I didn't realize I was only allowed to post on one internet forum. Since we have not had the exclusive talk, I assumed I was allowed to go on whatever websites I wanted. Genuinely interested in what people have to say. What's the problem? That made me laugh.
Tayla Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Troll Hunter, thanks for that link! Sometimes good can come about from reading responses that differ from the ones here. Rather odd that there is the fill in the blanks on the fellow and his position. Odd that there is the mind reader mentality that absorbs the thread. I certainly can't say what the message was from the guy to the online person. There are a million possibilities. There was a wise response from Dear Abbey that nailed it though. Well done.
D86 Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 I don't think you can actually "dump" a guy you're not in relationship with.
dasein Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 I think Oaks nailed it. i'm not going to prioritize women that just want attention because the guy their sleeping with behind my back only uses them for sex. Agree with oaks and phineas. You should get your expectations out there vocally sometime after a few dates. This is not a "male bad attitude" thing any more than it is a modern female sexual behavior thing. Also, people have the right to date whomever they want before there is an express understanding of exclusivity, especially before sexual involvement, and it doesn't signal that he has low values.
Coil Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 you complain that he is logging onto the dating site multiple times per day... what about you though, were you not logged into the same dating site? I think he is exploring options as should you. Personally if I was remotely interested in someone I would not be pursuing others in the meantime.
thatcatlady67 Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 My daughter and I had profiles on the same site. I began dating this guy, who within a few weeks, contacted my daughter. Yikes! He admitted this to me before my daughter could tell me. That one didn't last too long. I kinda gave up on OLD after that experience. OP, keep your options open, as he clearly is.
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