UCFKevin Posted May 25, 2004 Posted May 25, 2004 Is it me, or does it seem like there are a LOT of people out there with walls built up to keep anyone from getting in? Why do many let the past haunt them so horribly? Why can't people just learn from the past mistakes and not live in them? Like if a girl had a bad experience with a guy a few years ago, like a relationship souring or whatever, why should that effect any possibilities with me or some other guy NOW? I choose not to live in my past. I learned from my mistakes so that I won't live them again. I've certainly been hurt big time in the past, by numerous women, had my heart thrashed a few times, yet, I still go on, hopeful, without overbearing caution taking over how I am. Then again, I tend to be a bit too open hearted, I guess, so maybe that's the solution/problem. Whenever I realize a girl has a wall built up, it's so damn demotivating. I don't want to have to break it down. I shouldn't have to. Very discouraging. Anyone else feel that way too?
quankanne Posted May 25, 2004 Posted May 25, 2004 it's more an issue of "pick and choose" when dealing with someone who has built up walls. while I've been the dumpee more often than I've liked, I chose try, try again ... and eventually found my life-mate. who, incidentally, was burnt pretty badly by the flame of love when I met him, but that didn't matter. I loved him, and made up my mind to show him that I cared about him. but, I think he was the exception, the "choose" option of the pick and chose game. yeah, it can be frustrating, but sometimes, it just pays to make that unyielding effort, you know? interesting question to have raised, Kevin. a recent conversation with a friend of mine leads me to wonder if most people are perfectly content to pine away, or hurt over, or dream about The One Who Got Away, thus letting a potential "this is the person I was meant to be with" slip through their fingers and missing the chance of the love they were supposed to end with. is it the idealizing of someone so much that a person is blind to the potential of others? or are they honestly scared that person X was it, and because that relationship didn't work you, they feel they lost their chance?
moimeme Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Is it me, or does it seem like there are a LOT of people out there with walls built up to keep anyone from getting in? Oh yes. Why do many let the past haunt them so horribly? Why can't people just learn from the past mistakes and not live in them? Humans are all different and respond to pain and suffering differently. There is a concept in psychology called 'resiliency' - some folks got it in spades and some not. Some people bounce back after one problem, but problems, issues, and troubles pile up and eventually wear them down. Some people feel so bady burned they swear they'll never, ever again let someone get that close. I've known married couples with walls, even. There's a reason that a human won't put a hand on a burner twice. That same survival instinct kicks in very strongly with some people when it comes to love, too. Like if a girl had a bad experience with a guy a few years ago, like a relationship souring or whatever, why should that effect any possibilities with me or some other guy NOW? People think 'trauma' has to be something spectacular. In fact, 'trauma' can be the loss of a love. And once traumatized, some people's defence mechanisms kick into 'high'. It is very sad. When you find someone who has been able to get past their past enough to trust again, that's pretty great. But absolutely can be hard to find.
Author UCFKevin Posted May 26, 2004 Author Posted May 26, 2004 When you find someone who has been able to get past their past enough to trust again, that's pretty great. But absolutely can be hard to find. I'm one of them. I refuse to go thru my life in fear, fear of emotions, fear of possibilities. I'd rather not miss out on something because of getting my heart broken a long time ago. I've had my heart trashed, but I'm not giving up on love or the possibility of it. When it happens, it happens. Only a fool would refuse it. Seems like every girl I'm coming across has the problem I'm talking about. I hope it's not a wide spread epidemic in LA. It's pretty discouraging.
ladyangel Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme You've only been there a few weeks! He works fast evidently.
magda Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Eh, I think it's about maturity in a lot of cases. And I mean that broadly.. some people need to grow more. If you're on a different level you can either move along or choose to be a babysitter. It's a shame there's so many that aren't the right one, but rest assured you will find someone with the perfect cocktail of hangups to complement yours. ('Cause we all got issues from someones perspective.)
Author UCFKevin Posted May 26, 2004 Author Posted May 26, 2004 Oh, of course. Everyone has baggage. Not everyone lets that baggage slow them down, though.
magda Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Oh yah, and you know how some people always go for the SAME kinda person. Make sure you're not doing that. It happens unconsciously, I think, but that could be a big reason why you feel there's so many girls with the same issues. Maybe you are like a heat-seaking issue missile. Or an issue magnet. I used to always wonder why all guys turned out to be whining pansies and then I "got over" being a controlling bitch and suddenly my life - even men - improved!
Author UCFKevin Posted May 26, 2004 Author Posted May 26, 2004 For some reason, I tend to go for very independent women. Dunno why.
Papillon Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Exactly - don't you think those women are independent for a reason? They're the ones with the highest walls! (This comes from someone who has some nice 10-footers, himself)
magda Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Exactly - don't you think those women are independent for a reason? They're the ones with the highest walls! There's a lot of truth in that there.
moimeme Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Exactly - don't you think those women are independent for a reason? They're the ones with the highest walls Bah. I'm independent and a mushball. I don't got no flippin' baggage Like all other generalizations, I'm not buying that one, either. People build walls out of fear and fearfulness is not a quality that is congruent with independence. You may be looking in the wrong places for independent ladies since they don't tend to follow the herd.
Papillon Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Exactly - don't you think those women are independent for a reason? They're the ones with the highest walls Bah. I'm independent and a mushball. I don't got no flippin' baggage Like all other generalizations, I'm not buying that one, either. People build walls out of fear and fearfulness is not a quality that is congruent with independence. You may be looking in the wrong places for independent ladies since they don't tend to follow the herd. "Tips hat" Yes, it's indeed a generalization....but then generalizations tend to be true more often than not. Obviously there are many who do not fit the sterotype, such as yourself.
moimeme Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 I'm thinking that it's just that people are mistaking folks with chips on their shoulders for folks who are independent. Big difference
Papillon Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Well, I think the point is, regardless of the reasons behind the independence - those reasons pose an obstacle for someone who is trying to get close. Some lower ther defences quickly, others dont.
magda Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 I was thinking of people who are "fiercely independent". Certainly you don't have to be dependent to not have a wall. But I think extreme amounts of either would be a good indication of "walls."
a_passionate_leo Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 Some walls are present because of an inherent personality trait, like introversion or being naturally cautious. But others are present because of traumatic life experiences, big or small. Trauma hurts! And it leaves scars! Being that I struggle to balance the presence of my own walls, I want to point out that walls not only keep people out, they keep the person inside of them in. And it can be suffocating, like being in a prison cell. Extreme walls lead to psychological disorders, so it's important to keep them in check and it takes effort from both sides to open walls up. So if you're involved with someone who has walls, please be patient and supportive and work at building trust between you to help bring those walls to a more manageable level. But if you're putting yourself out there trying to help this other person, make sure they're doing their share of work from the inside. Otherwise it will be wasted effort on your end. And you might find yourself with a new wall because of it!
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