No contact rule.

[GreenElephant]

Hello all.

 

I'll first be the one to admit how unoriginal my question is, but I needed some advice that was directly to me.

 

Basically I had been friends with this girl for over a year. Literally the coolest of any girl I knew. When we met, she was beginning to start a relationship with a Guy and my timing to fall in love with her was terrible. She dated this guy, and I stuffed my feelings down to be her friend. She has a history of bipolar disorder and was in a sleep study once, which I stayed up and talked to her on the phone every night.

 

Although i tried to remain her friend while being in love with her, it was too difficult and we eventually drift apart.

 

We started talking again a few months later and it was discussed that we had mutual feelings for each other. She came and visited me (she lives 3 hours away) and things were great until she broke down and said she wasn't ready and she needed me to be her friend. I later found out through a mutual friend that it was because her ex called while she was here and said he was still in love with her. (Although he just moved across the country)

So I back off again.

 

About a month later she says she was at a wedding and it made her miss me. (She has used language in the past that suggested I was "the one" for her, even though I don't believe in one and onlys) I told her I was sick of being pulled around and that if o were to move forward I wanted to know she loved me. She admitted that she did, so slowly we began seeing each other, but she would never let me call her my girlfriend which bothered me. But things were going well. I met her family and they loved me and it all felt extremely natural.

 

One thing that was difficult is that I'm a very passionate person who loves deeply, and she's more withheld. This had caused some struggle from the start.

 

I eventually tell her that she needed to commit to me as I have for her, or I was walking. She finally did. The next week she came to visit me, and it was known that she's switching meds, so it's unclear if she'll be ill or not.

 

She was increasingly distant and unaffectionate. I felt like a burden every time I tried to hold her hand (which was only once or twice a day while driving) this was extremely difficult for me because although I'm not clingy in the smallest sense, I need some affection once and a while. But when I mentioned this, she would just say "sorry, this is just how I am", not even willing to figure something out.

 

She left to go home, and she only sent me one text the entire day saying she was safe. When I questioned her she said she just needed some "her" time.

 

She didn't text me the next day, so I finally told her that she had a wall up, and I wasn't feeling loved at all, and it was stopping me from loving her. I said she had to let the wall down or I needed to walk away from this.

 

She kept saying that she didn't know how to let her wall down, and that she couldn't love me the way I deserve to be loved.

 

So that was it. I feel like I spent so much time fighting for her, and the second I needed a little fight from her, she threw in the towel.

 

We talked the next night where I told her that I didn't believe she didn't have it in her to love me back, and that I didn't want to cut her out of my life. She was crying but she told me she can't love me the way you deserve to be loved.

 

I'm implementing no contact now and it's insanely painful. It feels so foreign to cut someone so close to me out of my life.

 

I understand that no contact is for me, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her back. My biggest fear, and the reason for this post is:

 

I'm scared to make such a final decision such as no contact when I feel her decision was flimsy and that she'd regret it. Also, knowing that she's switching depression meds and how that is effecting her decisions.

 

I told her I was scared that she would soon realize this was a mistake, and she said if she did realize it, she'll suffer through it and not contact me because that's what I want.

 

It's agonizing thinking of going no contact, then having her realize it was a mistake, but never contact me because I told her not to. I don't want to wonder if she's regretting the decision but not contacting me.

 

Is no contact just pushing her away? Or does it sound like she knows what she wants, meds or no meds?

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[hoping2heal]

Do you think its possible that she really only sees you as a friend but she is trying to make you fit into the mold of "boyfriend" because she A. wants to have someone close in her life and/or B. thinks this is the way to keep you around.

 

I would consider the possibility and moreover talking to her about it; she may be uncomfortable with physical contact because of some trauma she has been through or she may be uncomfortable with physical contact from you because deep down she knows she doesn't feel for you in the way you want. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you - just possibly she doesn't and never did care about you in that sense but still values your friendship very much.

 

Also, I'm not sure but it kind of sounds like this was maybe an online friendship first that went into meeting or did you always know eachother in the physical sense?

[GreenElephant]

It wasn't an online relationship. We hung out as friends quite often. I did wonder in the past if she was just scared of me not being in her life, so she agreed to step forward with me. Her not being affectionate was something she said she always struggled with, but it was more the fact that she never made me feel loved. She seemed to always keep me at arms length.

[BCCA]

Im going to level with you, she never saw you as more than a friend. I honestly think she tried to make herself feel differently, and probably thinks youre a great guy and wishes she felt more, but she doesnt. I mean, think about it - if you cant even hold her hand without her being weird, what kinda relationship is that?

 

As far as the 'thats just how I am' talk, she left out the rest of the sentence intentionally. She means 'thats just how I am TOWARD YOU'. She doesnt feel any romantic spark with you, she just wants you to be there for her as a friend. You shouldnt have put how you feel aside to be her friend from the start; its almost impossible to leap from the friend zone into a relationship. Once someone has pegged you as just a friend, thats likely all youll ever be.

 

So that was it. I feel like I spent so much time fighting for her, and the second I needed a little fight from her, she threw in the towel.

She never felt the same way. She never wanted to be your girlfriend, she probably just feels bad because you did a lot for her, and she could tell you really cared, but she didnt feel the same way about you and never will. Shes a waste of time, seriously. You need to just walk - not threaten to walk away, but cave in, actually WALK.

 

It's agonizing thinking of going no contact, then having her realize it was a mistake, but never contact me because I told her not to. I don't want to wonder if she's regretting the decision but not contacting me.

 

Is no contact just pushing her away? Or does it sound like she knows what she wants, meds or no meds?

First, the chances shes going to 'realize' it was a mistake are about 1/99999999999. Second, if she really wanted to talk to you, she would call. She knows full well why you told her not to, you were basically saying dont call me unless things change. Thats pretty obvious, but shes not calling because they havent - and likely wont. Shes actually doing you a favor. I promise you, she is NOT regretting her decision and not calling you because you said not to, thats just your mind trying to talk you into believing something so you can call her.

 

No contact has nothing to do with her, its about you. You need to let this one go, and the only way to do that is a clean break. You cant be her friend, thats not realistic, and she doesnt want anything more. So, it is what it is, and you need to let it go.

 

Her meds have nothing to do with anything. Again, youre trying to talk yourself into believing there is some hope there, when there isnt. You need to stop grasping at straws and just see things for what they are.

 

Good luck, I know its hard, but you HAVE to let this go and stay out of contact. Its really the only way.

[hoping2heal]

It wasn't an online relationship. We hung out as friends quite often. I did wonder in the past if she was just scared of me not being in her life, so she agreed to step forward with me. Her not being affectionate was something she said she always struggled with, but it was more the fact that she never made me feel loved. She seemed to always keep me at arms length.

 

Thanks for the clarification on the status. It wouldn't change things, it just almost sounded like it so I wasn't sure. I think you never felt loved because you weren't - not in a romantic sense I don't think. I would talk to her about it but I agree with BCCA - I think she recognized you as a good guy, you get on well with the family, etc. and so she wanted to feel that way towards you but she just didn't.

 

You were obviously an important of her life though.

[GreenElephant]

Thank you both. You're definitely right BCCA when you said I was grasping at straws. I feel better knowing that someone can see past my anxious mind, and rationalizations. It really hurts to take in account all the things she said, because I really did believe she felt the same way, nut her actions weren't lining up.

[BCCA]

Thank you both. You're definitely right BCCA when you said I was grasping at straws. I feel better knowing that someone can see past my anxious mind, and rationalizations. It really hurts to take in account all the things she said, because I really did believe she felt the same way, nut her actions weren't lining up.

 

I know it stings right now, but we've all been there, and you'll make it.

 

Actions always speak louder than words, and women are notoriously indirect. We as guys expect to be told exactly how things are, since thats how we communicate with eachother, but women are a whole other story. They drop hints and beat around the bush, so the only time you ever see things for what they are is usually when its too late and youre now pissed lol

 

Rationalization is natural, too. Your heart wants to convince your mind that you NEED to talk to them or that theyre going to realize what a mistake they made and come running back. Never works out that way. Even the times I did get back with an ex after a split, it ended up a waste of time, and things were never the same. Not worth it, Id never do it again.

 

Hang in there, things ill brighten up soon enough.

[jones73132]

It's really hard to tell sometimes but if someone keeps giving you the cold shoulder then they are not ready for what you have to offer or either they are just not satisfied of what you have to offer. I was that girl and when I wasn't into someone like I thought I was or maybe was before I would show it by showing less affection and other things that are hurtfull but you live and and you learn this guide really helped me out at getbackaex

[GreenElephant]

Thanks guys. I know I'll be fine and that it will pass, but I'm currently stuck in that delusion of thinking there is no other girl as cool and funny etc as she is. Any tips on getting rid of that way of thinking? It makes it more difficult because I feel like I'm losing out on the perfect girl. Also, I have another delusion that all girls want to be fought for, and I'm just giving up.

[mike588]

Do you think its possible that she really only sees you as a friend but she is trying to make you fit into the mold of "boyfriend" because she A. wants to have someone close in her life and/or B. thinks this is the way to keep you around.

 

I would consider the possibility and moreover talking to her about it; she may be uncomfortable with physical contact because of some trauma she has been through or she may be uncomfortable with physical contact from you because deep down she knows she doesn't feel for you in the way you want. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you - just possibly she doesn't and never did care about you in that sense but still values your friendship very much.

 

Also, I'm not sure but it kind of sounds like this was maybe an online friendship first that went into meeting or did you always know eachother in the physical sense?

 

Green Elephant did you date my ex. lol. The things hoping2 heal are saying remind me of my ex., all but the physical contact.

 

We dated for 1 year and she just could never totally commit to me,, it didn't help that she was still hung up on her ex. though.

[GreenElephant]

I'm also stuck missing her, so apart of me wants to settle for being her friend just so I can still have her in my life, and be able to talk to her. If anyone has insight on why it's better to go no contact than being her friend, I would appreciate it.

[mike588]

I'm also stuck missing her, so apart of me wants to settle for being her friend just so I can still have her in my life, and be able to talk to her. If anyone has insight on why it's better to go no contact than being her friend, I would appreciate it.

 

I'm also stuck missing my ex. (sometimes) and I'd like to have her in my life too. We were friends many,many years ago before we reconnected and now she ruined not only our past friendship but our b/f, g/f relationship and that friendship too.

 

I pains me to do no contact now but I have to,I just cant be her "friend' at this time because of the hurt I feel. I don't want to hear about her ex.that she went back to or to look at her and want to be with her knowing I cant,,it would just hurt to much.

 

I have no choice but to let her go,,,maybe down the road when I'm 100% healed we can be friends,, when I'm indifferent to her.

[M2155]

I'm also stuck missing her, so apart of me wants to settle for being her friend just so I can still have her in my life, and be able to talk to her. If anyone has insight on why it's better to go no contact than being her friend, I would appreciate it.

 

Give it some time first and see how you feel after a month or two. Even better, wait until you've moved on to a new relationship. It's going to be weird hanging out now that she knows you had feelings for her. I know for me, that is an awkward postition and until the guy has moved on, our friendship is never the same because in the back of my mind I think he still wants a chance. I will have my guard up, unlike when we would have fun as just friends.

Edited November 24, 2011 by M2155