Author GottaLovePink Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 I just want to thank everyone in taking the time to post for me, especially today having gotten divorced Jan 2010 and entering this relationship I have to say it's been a rough couple of years...especially today I am thankful for all of u. Thank u. I appreciate all ur encouragement and I truly figure if I'm not going to be open and honest with my therapist or u guys or anyone for that matter, there's no point. No matter how much I know how I feel, isn't "right" or "smart" or even the way I try to convince myself to feel. I think I've said I cannot understand this conflict. I don't understand this draw to a person who treats me like this. I have real difficulty with the personal boundary issue, I just feel so selfish. Like what wouldn't I do for my partner. I 100% want to fulfill them in every way. I want them to feel loved, adored and cherished. And I don't mean bringing him his slippers and what not, but if he asked i would or knew he wanted them I would...I guess I need to say I'm not a doormat, at least not in the traditional sense of the word. I have NO issue making decisions and know exactly what I want. I never have any trouble getting what I want. I smart, driven, ambitious. (I feel really uncomfortable saying these things as I have a little rule in life about peeps who are screaming from the highest rooftop "I am a good father" probably aren't.Or like in my BF case "I am a good man" and not that he isn't but he clearly doesn't even feel hes been very "good" to me.) what I cannot understand is why I "feel" like I want him. Of course in any situation there are many layers to the arriving at the current situation and of course this one is no different. One thing that I keep coming back to is while I was married I had an affair for years with the dentist I worked for. Long story short I left my husband he never about it til I told him, he was devastated. He's a severe alcoholic and just spiraled out of control but in a "sanitarium" type way not crashing his truck or anything. The BF I talk about is not the man I had the affair with (that's a different story) but when we got together my BF and I, i told him about it as it's a very small town he's a cop and I just wanted to be open and honest about it. He showed signs day 1 of crazed jealousy and I just wanted no surprises that way for him. I have been with 4 men, my ex husband (whom I married at 17) the dentist affair, after let my ex-husband a six week fling and my BF. I explained to my BF about how awful i feel about that affair and not a life i wanted (one more wrinkle is my husband wanted me to stay with him, he said he forgave me and wanted to work it out, i just couldnt. My ex husband was/is a good man I just was so alone (he was stumbling drunk all the time but he felt he didn't have a problem because he held down a job, I asked him, booze or me. He said he will never give up liquor all together. Also I wanted children and he refused, actually what he said was "no u don't") My point with all of that is do u think I could have a guilt issue? My BF has always thrown in my face the affair and constantly accuses me of looking for the guy to cheat on him with, I really want no part of the mistress life. Is part of my problem is deep down I think I deserve this? I know i don't deserve it and especially from my BF, it had nothing to do with him. But maybe even because my husband wanted to work it out and I refused, he was especially hurt by that, he felt I was the one who should be groveling...that I think I should be left on the side of the road?
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 The reason I mention some of my personality traits is that I thought u should know a little about how I roll. Confident for sure. I will say many peeps have seen a big change in me since being with BF. I mention 4 men as my BF calls me a whore at every chance he gets and I really have a conservative sex life.
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 I mention "changes in me" as peeps say I used to dress in heels and now I don't. My BF calls my clothes whore clothes. I have alot of VS pink and I just love fashion. I mean I wear cute shoes, jeans that fit, I don't wear sweats and Winnie the pooh sweatshirts which is what u see mostly around here. And he liked that about me in the begining of course, so clarification.... Is my issue guilt and how do I get over that?
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 A special thanks to hoping2heal and wilsonx, u guys are awesome. I appreciate ur candor. I LOVE talking with peeps and exploring feelings and why, and love talking to people with insight to give. U guys r so wonderful!!! Thank u!
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 As I'm Thinking about this my BF fell for me very quickly. I have NO doubt he loves me. It's electric. It really is. I had no doubt my husband loved me, he did, soulmate style, affair guy crazy about me, fling? No i didn't think so but he said he had to go to therapy cuz I was the perfect woman and he couldn't commit (I didn't know that was an option and not wanting commitment at that time, but it's what he said... Do I NOT know how to accept love? These men loved me...I needed to be faithful to my husband for that love. To my BF I need to wear a belt and not say I "forgot" LOL and I can't do these things. Shouldnt I be able to? The affair was a betrayal i am so sorry about. He did not deserve that. My BF I just don't know. I'm so confused.
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 One other point is I found out my BF has been on zoosk and match.com and met someone like 2 months ago, I found an email about them and they r sleeping together. All the while he and I are talking about working things out. He feels justified due to our on off nature and I don't have a problem with hang out but sleeping with other women while telling me I'm the only one for him? Why am I not insane with fury. Well I was for a night but I'm just not understanding myself. I always understand myself.
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 I notice in myself that I'm always making excuses for the men in my life, I mean I've only had a few but my husband when he would get out of control drunk embarrass me or hurt me "he's drunk" he didn't know. BF "he acts like this cuz he loves me" what is that? How do I stop it? Someone once said "if u can't or u won't u still don't and thats the important thing"
betterdeal Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 Yes, it does sound like you excuse them too much. That can be a way to avoid making a tough decision on your part. I know I have been like that in the past with the women in my life and it's been to avoid conflict or such like. But the more we bend over backwards to accommodate someone else's faults, the more unhappy we become, because we are putting their needs and desires above our own. Learn how to separate what's his and what's yours: he is violent; you are submissive. Why he is violent is for him to sort out. Why you are submissive is for you to sort out. If you hand over all responsibility for your happiness to someone else, you will be unhappy, and by excusing them their bad behaviour or accepting their accusations uncritically, you are doing that. You are effectively letting them think for you. As you know, this doesn't work. It doesn't make you happy and it doesn't make them happy. Sometimes we have to stand up for ourselves.
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