GottaLovePink Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 *Hi. I'm a 38 year old girl with no children who met a guy a year ago. We were introduced to each other by mutual friends and completely fell for each other the first night. I was insanely physically attracted to this man, still am. I was intrigued that first night about how he and his 4 year old were. He talked to him like he was 22. U could see best friends, dad solely focused on his son. I will say the way he spoke to his son was not intriguing as i got to know more. *A weird thing of yelling and demanding to kissing his sons ass. *Anyway what i am asking about is this attraction I have to him. I am not exaggerating when I say I can feel his presence. Something tells me he's near I'll walk out my front door and he's there. He's a cop. I never get that his in my stomach that it's him when i see a cop car yet when it's him I do. Our relationship has been very rocky. He is 100% emotionally abusive. Just things like me not grabbing a jacket, he will say to me "jesus what d u a ****ing idiot"? One day I forgot to put on a belt, he railed me for 2 hours until i admitted I didn't forget I just didn't put one on. Kind words. Rarely. *I will say after some of our fights he is so passionate and sweet about loving me that i just cant help but fall apart and get back together. *He tells me who I can see and who I cant he says every time we fight or he is abusing me names like filthy cunt etc. It's my fault cuz I know what he expects of me. *Literally we r talking about him yelling at me for hours because he saw me and someone I am not supposed to see on the same street within minutes of one another and "you were probably meeting". What I am here to as is why is the sex so completely mind blowing. Even with all the fighting we have sex every day up to 4 times a day and have for over a year. What I really want to know is that I have never been that in to sex. I'd say normal sex drive and depending on the stage of the relationship very appropriate. Like the daily thing for me wanes after 3 months or so? Idk. What I know is he's rude, not supportive, always criticizing me, OMG! the jealousy! He's SO jealous! (I have been told I'm beautiful more than a few times by men and women and routinely do get compliments. I love fashion and I have good style. People kinda notice. My BF says I dress how I do for attention, I know I dress the way I do cuz I like it.) *I KNOW my life with this man would be hell if we were to marry. He's awful to me. And yet to this moment my mind goes fuzzy thinking of him, his shoulders, his hands, his eyes, SO PHYSICALLY attracted...and before I've always needed and emotional connection to have sex with a man. How can I feel so physically connected to him with my emotions being neglected. *I have never had sex with anyone before when i was even angry at them. *The last thing I want when I'm angry with him is sex. *But not my BF, any time, just has to touch my arm or do the thing he does and I am so ready to make love. *And yet I know it's NOT love! *I feel like because i am so attracted to him I'm trying to force myself to have an emotional attachment, or can physical attraction create emotional attachment? I dont understand the chemistry we have. Hes always trying to control me, tracks me with a device on my phone....idk what to make of this. Why can't I walk away? I am an adult i see all his patterns all his abuse and all his manipulation and yet I cannot leave. When we fight so bad we "break up" all i can think about is having him near. Can anyone tell me what this is? I wonder about my feeling guilty from previous relationships and allowing this as punishment I "think" I deserve...emotional cutting as they say? I don't know how I can have this connection with someone who is so mean to me. *Is there really a physical phenomenon of attraction, I am not talking about a look from across the room, I'm talking my back can be turned he can walk in a room and my whole body literally sparks. *What is this? *And why if we have this can't we make it work?
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 I find it strange that I have done things that r not me, not me at all...like during some of out break ups my BF has told me he's upset that I don't call him or text him incessantly or follow him or whatever. I've never been like that, I think it's weird, but he says he takes it as I dont care. So ok I start doing some of that stuff. I don't call like 30 times a day but like 5, alot for me. I noticed that he's starting to throw it in my face. "Stop calling me get a life"! **** like that. Does this guy just want to see what he can get me to do?
wilsonx Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 There is absolutely no way possible you can make this work... This is something you have to walk away from and you have to do it... As for why you continue to do it, its because hes probably narcissistic and to people with poor personal boundaries just don't know how to say enough is enough. You probably have never been in a situation with someone like him before. The only positive part of being in a relationship with someone with a cluster B personality is the insane physical connection you have with them. Then comes the emotional abuse that comes with it. I am not an armchair psychologist by any means but I KNOW the symptoms you are describing and what you are going through. Its insane and anyone that has never been in a relationship with someone like this doesn't understand how ****ed up you are during and after the relationship. You have no idea which way is up. You constantly take and take and take abuse even though everything in your soul is saying end it. Even months after the end of the relationship it hurts like no other. There's always that draw to go back. Im only 6 months out and I fight that draw everyday still. This is why NC is so important and its your responsibility to yourself to maintain it. This comes with establishing personal boundaries for yourself to keep you out of situations like this and from reentering them. If you do not have the ability on your own to end the relationship and immediately start NC, go see a therapist. This is very important. This relationship will mess with your mental, psychological and eventually physical health if you do not find a way out.
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 *Hi. I'm a 38 year old girl with no children who met a guy a year ago. We were introduced to each other by mutual friends and completely fell for each other the first night. I was insanely physically attracted to this man, still am. I was intrigued that first night about how he and his 4 year old were. He talked to him like he was 22. U could see best friends, dad solely focused on his son. I will say the way he spoke to his son was not intriguing as i got to know more. *A weird thing of yelling and demanding to kissing his sons ass. *Anyway what i am asking about is this attraction I have to him. I am not exaggerating when I say I can feel his presence. Something tells me he's near I'll walk out my front door and he's there. He's a cop. I never get that his in my stomach that it's him when i see a cop car yet when it's him I do. Our relationship has been very rocky. He is 100% emotionally abusive. Just things like me not grabbing a jacket, he will say to me "jesus what d u a ****ing idiot"? One day I forgot to put on a belt, he railed me for 2 hours until i admitted I didn't forget I just didn't put one on. Kind words. Rarely. *I will say after some of our fights he is so passionate and sweet about loving me that i just cant help but fall apart and get back together. *He tells me who I can see and who I cant he says every time we fight or he is abusing me names like filthy cunt etc. It's my fault cuz I know what he expects of me. *Literally we r talking about him yelling at me for hours because he saw me and someone I am not supposed to see on the same street within minutes of one another and "you were probably meeting". What I am here to as is why is the sex so completely mind blowing. Even with all the fighting we have sex every day up to 4 times a day and have for over a year. What I really want to know is that I have never been that in to sex. I'd say normal sex drive and depending on the stage of the relationship very appropriate. Like the daily thing for me wanes after 3 months or so? Idk. What I know is he's rude, not supportive, always criticizing me, OMG! the jealousy! He's SO jealous! (I have been told I'm beautiful more than a few times by men and women and routinely do get compliments. I love fashion and I have good style. People kinda notice. My BF says I dress how I do for attention, I know I dress the way I do cuz I like it.) *I KNOW my life with this man would be hell if we were to marry. He's awful to me. And yet to this moment my mind goes fuzzy thinking of him, his shoulders, his hands, his eyes, SO PHYSICALLY attracted...and before I've always needed and emotional connection to have sex with a man. How can I feel so physically connected to him with my emotions being neglected. *I have never had sex with anyone before when i was even angry at them. *The last thing I want when I'm angry with him is sex. *But not my BF, any time, just has to touch my arm or do the thing he does and I am so ready to make love. *And yet I know it's NOT love! *I feel like because i am so attracted to him I'm trying to force myself to have an emotional attachment, or can physical attraction create emotional attachment? I dont understand the chemistry we have. Hes always trying to control me, tracks me with a device on my phone....idk what to make of this. Why can't I walk away? I am an adult i see all his patterns all his abuse and all his manipulation and yet I cannot leave. When we fight so bad we "break up" all i can think about is having him near. Can anyone tell me what this is? I wonder about my feeling guilty from previous relationships and allowing this as punishment I "think" I deserve...emotional cutting as they say? I don't know how I can have this connection with someone who is so mean to me. *Is there really a physical phenomenon of attraction, I am not talking about a look from across the room, I'm talking my back can be turned he can walk in a room and my whole body literally sparks. *What is this? *And why if we have this can't we make it work? You can't make it work in a healthy dynamic which doesn't involve a constant cycle of abusive action and over compensation of affection because he is an abuser and you are his victim. It doesn't sound like he identifies himself as an abuser and so he will not get help to correct the problem. There is a certain dynamic that takes place when you are exposed to abuse for long enough - most people will think "you're stupid" 'you're stubborn" "you're naive" "what's wrong with you???!" etc. Well, you're probably not stupid and probably not naive but you most definitely are showing clear signs of the effects of abuse and how it has affected your psyche. You have programmed yourself to survive and thrive in an abusive relationship. You have taught yourself that abuse is okay - it is nothing to fear, nothing to walk away from. Your thinking has become dysfunctional. Your trust has become shattered and skewed. There is a reason I cannot stand when people tell others to "follow their hearts" this is one of many examples why. Anyone can have feelings for anything - feelings and love are two very different things and when you are abusing, mistreating,exploiting,manipulating someone you have strong feelings for? You don't love them. That's just not love. You treat someone you love with respect, dignity, and kindness. You look out for their best interest and treat them well - you don't treat someone you love like an object created as the focal point for all of your mistreatment and abuses. Is this your first experience in an abusive environment?
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 OMG! Thank u so much for replying...idk what NC is and cluster B? So there is something to this insane physical thing it's real not imagined...I mean I know it's real I can literally feel it. I have looked up narcisstic personality disorder and it partially fits, I've heard from his co workers they think bipolar and I through my reasssrch landed on borderline personality disorder...I'm sorry if I'm asking questions over and over I'm just so unbelievably baffled by this. I can literally watch the ridiculousness of this relationship. And I know it's what i don't want, but I've also been married to a great man with NO passion. So I've had two relationships and I have to tell u sometimes I wonder all this abuse and emotional brutalization is worth is for the sex. I think because the sex is so good I think he loves me but idk...to be fair he says he has this thing for me to, wants to leave but can't. We r on a break right now and I'm hoping I can make it stick. Really 6 months? Ugh! How do I do this?
wilsonx Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 There is a reason I cannot stand when people tell others to "follow their hearts" this is one of many examples why. Anyone can have feelings for anything - feelings and love are two very different things and when you are abusing, mistreating,exploiting,manipulating someone you have strong feelings for? You don't love them. That's just not love. You treat someone you love with respect, dignity, and kindness. You look out for their best interest and treat them well - you don't treat someone you love like an object created as the focal point for all of your mistreatment and abuses. I agree with this quote 100%
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 Yes it's my first experience in a relationship/abusive. Except my dad had a terrible temper and threw fits like my BF but never brutal name calling standing over me screaming for me to say I'm sorry to him...Im really not. I'm not stupid. I see this I know it's wrong. It's is abuse, no less damaging than if I was externally black and blue. And like u said about "follow ur heart" I know it's not love but I do NOT understand what is going on here. He is in counseling for anger management and his "issues" he says for me but nothing has changed in the last 6 month in fact now he comes back from therapy and tells me she said it's "ur" fault. Idk I'm just so beside myself right now. I thank u so much for responding.
wilsonx Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 OMG! Thank u so much for replying...idk what NC is and cluster B? So there is something to this insane physical thing it's real not imagined...I mean I know it's real I can literally feel it. I have looked up narcisstic personality disorder and it partially fits, I've heard from his co workers they think bipolar and I through my reasssrch landed on borderline personality disorder...I'm sorry if I'm asking questions over and over I'm just so unbelievably baffled by this. I can literally watch the ridiculousness of this relationship. And I know it's what i don't want, but I've also been married to a great man with NO passion. So I've had two relationships and I have to tell u sometimes I wonder all this abuse and emotional brutalization is worth is for the sex. I think because the sex is so good I think he loves me but idk...to be fair he says he has this thing for me to, wants to leave but can't. We r on a break right now and I'm hoping I can make it stick. Really 6 months? Ugh! How do I do this? No Contact is No Contact... It means absolutely no contact towards him. YOU NEED TO TELL YOURSELF THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER AND GO HARDCORE INTO NC Cluster B personality disorders are Antisocial Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Histronic Personality Disorder. The way you describe his presence in a room I would swing towards Narcissistic but they all are so close that they are in one group. Only a trained clinical psychologist can truly diagnose the person but you are free to go see one and they will help you a lot in dealing with the recovery process. I remember mine telling me that 95% of the people he treats are the victims of this order while 5% are those that actually have it. I kind of laughed. Here's the thing, you are confused and have no concept of what love is at this point. He doesn't love you. People like him have no concept of what true love is. I don't think you do either. Your mistaken the need to be needed for the need to be loved. Thats typically what happens in these types of relationship.
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 I will say since he's been in counseling it's gotten worse...what do u make of the telling me he wants me to stalk him and then throwing it in my face. It's funny cuz if i read some of the things I'm saying id be like this girl is nuts, he doesn't really do that she's misunderstanding and for awhile inyhink thats something that kept me with him...i would be like this cannot be happening...
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 OMG! Thank u so much for replying...idk what NC is and cluster B? So there is something to this insane physical thing it's real not imagined...I mean I know it's real I can literally feel it. I have looked up narcisstic personality disorder and it partially fits, I've heard from his co workers they think bipolar and I through my reasssrch landed on borderline personality disorder...I'm sorry if I'm asking questions over and over I'm just so unbelievably baffled by this. I can literally watch the ridiculousness of this relationship. And I know it's what i don't want, but I've also been married to a great man with NO passion. So I've had two relationships and I have to tell u sometimes I wonder all this abuse and emotional brutalization is worth is for the sex. I think because the sex is so good I think he loves me but idk...to be fair he says he has this thing for me to, wants to leave but can't. We r on a break right now and I'm hoping I can make it stick. Really 6 months? Ugh! How do I do this? Only a qualified professional could diagnose what specific disorder he has - there is more to these disorders than symptoms - people have to register on a certain spectrum in various areas - not just have symptoms in order to be diagnosed. Control is the cornerstone of abuse and his controlling behavior coupled with the belittling of you is clearly abuse. You mentioned that you were with a man before who was wonderful but there was no passion. Is it possible you have confused your thinking to believe good men will equate to no passion, and "bad men" will equate to passion? You have to be careful with one or the other thinking like that because for one thing, it is downright unrealistic. People are very multi-faceted and dynamic - a relationship does not have to involve constant tension and conflict in order to be satisfying, exciting, and feel loving. As it is you can only possibly feel loved when he's being affectionate..following his complete evisceration of you - ouch! Yes, I'm sure he can't live without you - who will he abuse if you're gone? Where is his dog to kick around and take all of his aggression out on if you aren't there? (I'm not implying you're a dog btw). If you leave for good it will 1. Kick his ego down the road 2. He's just as used to the abuse dynamic as you are - he is used to having something to abuse (I say something instead of someone because to an abuser people are objects - not fellow human beings. Just like control - they view you as something to control and something to satisfy their needs with no consideration of your needs or autonomy whatsoever).
wilsonx Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 I will say since he's been in counseling it's gotten worse...what do u make of the telling me he wants me to stalk him and then throwing it in my face. It's funny cuz if i read some of the things I'm saying id be like this girl is nuts, he doesn't really do that she's misunderstanding and for awhile inyhink thats something that kept me with him...i would be like this cannot be happening... . I have been in your shoes, trust me, it sucks. I have had the mental breakdown all the way down to the physical layer. You have to run from this and stay gone
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 How come since he's been in therapy no one has told him he has a disorder. I'm no psychologist and idk the difference in being and ******* and bipolar. How come no one has diagnosed him if he's not right? Idk what he's telling then though. Maybe I'm crazy. Idk I think I am pretty reasonable. Why is this such a mistake for love? I saw him today after I didn't talk to him yesterday and it was just a kick in the stomach and by the look on his face he felt it too...I guess all the standard insecurities as well, what if this is it? The best I can expect. The sex is good after all. Maybe that's all I can hope for...I mean literally we will be arguing in the car about how he says he just saw me check out some guys ass...I didnt. Didn't even see a guy. But will then pull over and demand I get out of the car. If I don't get out be takes keys and leaves me sitting there until I do get out comes back to car from bush he's been hiding around and drive off leaving me to walk home...even if I did look at a guys ass is that normal?
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Yes it's my first experience in a relationship/abusive. Except my dad had a terrible temper and threw fits like my BF but never brutal name calling standing over me screaming for me to say I'm sorry to him...Im really not. I'm not stupid. I see this I know it's wrong. It's is abuse, no less damaging than if I was externally black and blue. And like u said about "follow ur heart" I know it's not love but I do NOT understand what is going on here. He is in counseling for anger management and his "issues" he says for me but nothing has changed in the last 6 month in fact now he comes back from therapy and tells me she said it's "ur" fault. Idk I'm just so beside myself right now. I thank u so much for responding. I have been where you are. I wasn't abused to the extent you were but I was well on my way to being its just that I left. Unlike you though I have been through many abusive situations from the time I was a young child so how I knew to walk away - I don't know. Thank my lucky stars I guess! I can remember though the bewilderment - I would ask myself what am I doing? Why? Why? Why? The feelings I felt were incredibly intense - it was addicting! It wasn't real though - and it wasn't right and I felt bad a hell of a lot more often than I felt good. It got exhausting and I got tired and finally I was just done. That was several, several, several years ago and there are days I want to get down and kiss the pavement for the wonderful man I have now. There is no abuse, and I am happy all of the time. We treat each other with honesty, regard for trust, kindness and respect. We rarely have conflicts and yet there is plenty of spark, passion, etc. I feel safe and happy and it is a really good feeling - Thank goodness I didn't stay in that lifesuck dead end relationship I was in years ago, whew! How will you do this? One step at a time, literally. You just have to put one foot in front of the other and realize that the pain is only going to get worse - you must be tired too living your life in a cycle of contant conflict. He has no right to blame you for his terrible actions. The way he acts is not your fault.
wilsonx Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 (edited) asked and answered Edited November 24, 2011 by wilsonx
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 We both have been told over and over by friends and therapists and just endless people to run from each other. We break up, he calls stops by and tells me how horrible I am and that I am so disturbed to hurt him like this. So something like this NEVER works? I mean we r both in therapy, haven't done it together yet, but in reality it never does. I always said he and I are like gasoline to a fire. It's always been like that.
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 How come since he's been in therapy no one has told him he has a disorder. I'm no psychologist and idk the difference in being and ******* and bipolar. How come no one has diagnosed him if he's not right? Idk what he's telling then though. Maybe I'm crazy. Idk I think I am pretty reasonable. Why is this such a mistake for love? I saw him today after I didn't talk to him yesterday and it was just a kick in the stomach and by the look on his face he felt it too...I guess all the standard insecurities as well, what if this is it? The best I can expect. The sex is good after all. Maybe that's all I can hope for...I mean literally we will be arguing in the car about how he says he just saw me check out some guys ass...I didnt. Didn't even see a guy. But will then pull over and demand I get out of the car. If I don't get out be takes keys and leaves me sitting there until I do get out comes back to car from bush he's been hiding around and drive off leaving me to walk home...even if I did look at a guys ass is that normal? How do you know no one has diagnosed him as bi-polar or any other thing? In fact, how do you know he is in fact even in therapy and not just lying to you? I have a hard time believing a man who has been in therapy has learned nothing but to blame you for his behavior - which makes me think if he is even going he is likely not being truthful. He seems to struggle with taking responsibility so I can't see him walking in and telling the truth. I'm not a psychologist either but I'm a student in the field and I can tell you he is 100% NOT RIGHT. There is nothing about the way you have described him treating you that is right. Why is it a mistake for love? Well, because of the feelings involved. Many people have feelings they think are love. Teenage girls a great example; they have not learned control nor boundaries or maturity in regards to their feelings so they believe every pleasurable sensation or hint of longing is love - it isn't. You ever see teen girls get hysterical over an "idol"? I guarantee they think they love this person - they don't! Feelings are wonderful but without logic and ration to support them they are like building a straw hut during hurricane season.
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 I know this has to sound insane. Any man leaving me on the side of the road? Come on!!! OVER!
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 We both have been told over and over by friends and therapists and just endless people to run from each other. We break up, he calls stops by and tells me how horrible I am and that I am so disturbed to hurt him like this. So something like this NEVER works? I mean we r both in therapy, haven't done it together yet, but in reality it never does. I always said he and I are like gasoline to a fire. It's always been like that. No, abuse and victim never works. Do people stay in it? Sure. People stay in abusive relationships for years and guess what? They forgo self worth, self-esteem, security, and a healthy relationship. They don't get autonomy, they don't get growth. Abuse doesn't let anything good or healthy grow - all healthy things are killed and destroyed by the destructive cycle of abuse.
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 We had an incident where we had been fighting and he came to my house in uniform screaming at me with both hands on each side of my face and a neighbor called it in. He was in front of the cheif and was furious at me for jeopardizing his job like that. I didn't do it. He did. He said I should argue with him. The thing is I try no t to...idk....to be honest he is a wonderful manipulator and has everyone believing all this drama in his life is cuz of me, truth is he hadn't had a GF for 5 years and been a cop for 3, but I think that's what I am afraid of, he gets another GF and treats her nice. Or has none of these issuses and so then i think it was me. Am I a button pusher? But then i think even if he is happy and well adjusted after me, it does not mean what he did was my fault. He did it it was him. But we just don't bring about good in one another.
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 We had an incident where we had been fighting and he came to my house in uniform screaming at me with both hands on each side of my face and a neighbor called it in. He was in front of the cheif and was furious at me for jeopardizing his job like that. I didn't do it. He did. He said I should argue with him. The thing is I try no t to...idk....to be honest he is a wonderful manipulator and has everyone believing all this drama in his life is cuz of me, truth is he hadn't had a GF for 5 years and been a cop for 3, but I think that's what I am afraid of, he gets another GF and treats her nice. Or has none of these issuses and so then i think it was me. Am I a button pusher? But then i think even if he is happy and well adjusted after me, it does not mean what he did was my fault. He did it it was him. But we just don't bring about good in one another. Oh dear, Firstly, I'm glad you're being honest about how you feel. It's good you're being honest and don't let anyone posts here make you feel like "oh I should keep my thoughts to myself because I'll look stupid". Honesty is important. Are you a button pusher? No human being deserves abuse EVER. No woman, no man, no child (in fact no cat or dog, or cricket in the grass etc.) Deserves to have someone screaming in their face like that. They don't deserve to be blamed time after time after time after time for the explosive and abusive reactions of another person. They don't deserve being screamed at for two minutes, let alone two hours - over wearing or not wearing a belt. There is absolutely no excuse for him to treat you that way. NONE, none none none none noooone.Did I get that in yet? He acts this way because he lacks self-control and boundaries. He controls people instead of interacts with them. He blames people for his faults instead of accepting that he has them. You believe him because you have had it drilled in your head incident after incident after incident. Secondly, no - he is not going to go from an out control, abusing maniac to a stable, loving, respectful boyfriend. It just doesn't happen that way because whether you are out of the equation or not he is still in it - he is the root of his abuse NOT you. Abusers are always, in every single situation the root of their abuse - it is never the victims fault, ever. Yes, he's a manipulator - abusers can't abuse without being skilled manipulators it simply goes hand in hand if you will.
Author GottaLovePink Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 You have no idea how much this means to me. Just to hear some reasoning, I get to the point of wondering if I am crazy, do normal people have this much drama over using the term "forgot" a belt instead of I didn't wear one so I could flaunt my ass at peeps, sometimes I think of these things and just have to laugh. It's not funny. I just changed my contact numbers. I have to stay gone this time. Thank u again!!!
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 You have no idea how much this means to me. Just to hear some reasoning, I get to the point of wondering if I am crazy, do normal people have this much drama over using the term "forgot" a belt instead of I didn't wear one so I could flaunt my ass at peeps, sometimes I think of these things and just have to laugh. It's not funny. I just changed my contact numbers. I have to stay gone this time. Thank u again!!! I'm glad I can help, I really am. No one deserves to be abused by another person. It is a vicious, destructive cycle and no you are not crazy. You are right - he is wrong. Abuse is wrong and dysfunctional. Healthy relationships do not include the kind of treatment you are getting. Good for you for blocking him! That is what you need! You need to get his voice out of your head - telling you how to feel, telling you what to do and who you are - he doesn't know any of those things because he hasn't had the time to know or care while he's been busy bulldozing right over you the next year. I will give you an advance warning so you can be somewhat prepared. He is not going to take you shutting him out quietly. He will try a number of tactics to figure out which one will get you to acknowledge him. He will try kindness and sweetness, if that doesn't work? He will try guilt, if not that? He'll try intimidation or anger as he panics at the thought of him losing control over you. Please be aware that this is normal and don't fall for it. Keep him on block, don't interact with him or feed into what he says - you need some reason talking in your ear for awhile not his utter nonsense! I am glad you are in therapy, hopefully you are talking openly about the abuse or soon will be - your therapist should be helpful too. You can always send me a PM and drop me a line to reach out anytime you feel weak, defeated, worried, etc. Anytime you think you are alone and need someone to listen or need someone to talk some logic into your ear - you can always shoot me a message.
wilsonx Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 1 Thing I would like to suggest for you to talk to your therapist about is Setting personal boundaries and how to do so This will help you tremendously not only in recovering from this type of relationship, but moving forward and future relationships/friendships in your life. This is essential in preventing this type of abuse from happening again.
betterdeal Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 We both have been told over and over by friends and therapists and just endless people to run from each other. We break up, he calls stops by and tells me how horrible I am and that I am so disturbed to hurt him like this. So something like this NEVER works? I mean we r both in therapy, haven't done it together yet, but in reality it never does. I always said he and I are like gasoline to a fire. It's always been like that. How it works is you stand up for yourself. That's your first step on the road to a full recovery, and a strong, flexible, happy, you. Saying "enough", ending this relationship and getting past the tough patch is how you make this relationship work for you. You react to the situation in a way that best serves your needs. Therapy isn't about making a relationship work - it's about making your life better for you. Sometimes that means ending a relationship (it could be leaving a job, or a lover, or disowning a relative, or leaving a church). This is one of those times.
hoping2heal Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 1 Thing I would like to suggest for you to talk to your therapist about is Setting personal boundaries and how to do so This will help you tremendously not only in recovering from this type of relationship, but moving forward and future relationships/friendships in your life. This is essential in preventing this type of abuse from happening again. This is excellent advice. An absolute must.
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