LostIn Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 (edited) Here is my story. I met my soon to be wife when I was 19 and she was 21. She is my best friend, my world. She was always concerned about me loosing my virginity to her as she thought eventually I would be curious about other women, even offered me a pass at one point, didn't mind me going to strip clubs very much wanted me to feel free to explore sexuality, and my sexuality with other women. He big thing was please let me know if there is something you seek outside of me, we can talk about it, we can work it out. I always reassured her that it would never happen.. that I would never... So.. flash-forward to me turning 25... Something inside me.. changed? I was curious? I cheated. Once. Broke in two. Told her.. she kicked me out. Wouldn't say a word to me for weeks, I had never felt so miserable. It took me six months just to get in the house. I was and will always be so so so grateful. I.. She is my everything. 9 months later and after numerous mini fights, and real communication I am happy to say we are engaged to be married. Problem is.. She won't make love to me... The most I get is kissing, which turns really hot and heavy but then she looks at me... its the unmistakable look of FEAR. Then whoosh shes off running to do this or that or anything to avoid me.... ITS DRIVING ME INSANE. Yes. Yes. I know I should wait it out.. I am being as patient as I can... 15 months is really getting to me, she is beautiful. I think of her constantly... how she feels... I... am experiencing multiple erections throughout the day and because we both work from home it is now torture to see her. Another.. issue may be I am a white male, my stbw is a black female, we are in a small state in the south so there has been some opposition... adding to her insecurities now, maybe that the woman I cheated with is white. If she thinks she is undesired, which.. there's no way... she isn't. She is my everything, this has been said aloud many times. I don't know if its right to post it here or not.. but... I just miss her, the holding is becoming not enough. I know its my fault. I can't tell her you NEED to make love to me after cheating, and I can force her to stay when she runs away... I want to. This is becoming increasingly difficult for me. I can't kiss her good morning or give her a hug, everything is unbearable. I am at a lost. Edited November 24, 2011 by LostIn spelling errors.
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 adding to her insecurities now, maybe that the woman I cheated with is white. Now you know why she isn't able or want to have sex with you. SHe's insecure and scared, lost her self esteem. What are you doing to make her feel loved, feel special, feel cared for, feel beautiful? In a NON sexual way. Did you two ever do counselling together?
findingnemo Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 (edited) Here is my story. I met my soon to be wife when I was 19 and she was 21. She is my best friend, my world. She was always concerned about me loosing my virginity to her as she thought eventually I would be curious about other women, even offered me a pass at one point, didn't mind me going to strip clubs very much wanted me to feel free to explore sexuality, and my sexuality with other women. He big thing was please let me know if there is something you seek outside of me, we can talk about it, we can work it out. I always reassured her that it would never happen.. that I would never... So.. flash-forward to me turning 25... Something inside me.. changed? I was curious? I cheated. Once. Broke in two. Told her.. she kicked me out. Wouldn't say a word to me for weeks, I had never felt so miserable. It took me six months just to get in the house. I was and will always be so so so grateful. I.. She is my everything. 9 months later and after numerous mini fights, and real communication I am happy to say we are engaged to be married. Problem is.. She won't make love to me... The most I get is kissing, which turns really hot and heavy but then she looks at me... its the unmistakable look of FEAR. Then whoosh shes off running to do this or that or anything to avoid me.... ITS DRIVING ME INSANE. Yes. Yes. I know I should wait it out.. I am being as patient as I can... 15 months is really getting to me, she is beautiful. I think of her constantly... how she feels... I... am experiencing multiple erections throughout the day and because we both work from home it is now torture to see her. Another.. issue may be I am a white male, my stbw is a black female, we are in a small state in the south so there has been some opposition... adding to her insecurities now, maybe that the woman I cheated with is white. If she thinks she is undesired, which.. there's no way... she isn't. She is my everything, this has been said aloud many times. I don't know if its right to post it here or not.. but... I just miss her, the holding is becoming not enough. I know its my fault. I can't tell her you NEED to make love to me after cheating, and I can force her to stay when she runs away... I want to. This is becoming increasingly difficult for me. I can't kiss her good morning or give her a hug, everything is unbearable. I am at a lost. So many things going on here IMO. 1. She is older than you and seemed to take the approach of a teacher and guide of sorts at the beginning of your R. She made it clear that you should explore your sexuality and be sure you want her and no one else. Basically, she was clear about cheating and the betrayal she thought it would cause. Now she finds that her fears were justified. You cheated. 2. You live in a place where race relations are tricky. That adds stress to your R. Who did you cheat with? A white woman. In your at W's mind, she could be worried that you'll eventually go back to "your own kind". Is it reasonable? Not really. But racism causes untold fears in those that are it's victims. Every time you kiss her, not only does she see a picture of another woman in her mind. She see a WHITE woman!! 3. She loves you inspite of the cheating and wants to be with you. But her mind tells her that the odds against your M are very high. Her heart and her mind are in conflict right now. Of course she is insecure but as a black woman with a white man, she is insecure on that issue as well. You have to convince her you love her and her alone. You have to work doubly as hard to prove that you are willing no matter what to go against all odds in your M. Only when she sees that you are strong enough in your convictions to stand by what you feel 5, 10 years from now will she begin to feel secure. So what changed anyway? Why did you cheat? You don't seem to have an answer yet and knowing what it was will help you both decide what to do. It's not enough to say you were maybe curious, or that something inside you may have changed. If you remain vague about the whys she'll find it very difficult to be convinced in her mind that you know what you want. Edited November 24, 2011 by findingnemo
Author LostIn Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 @findingnemo At this point being celibate for 15 months should easily prove who I am dedicated too and want to be with. As she is sleeping in our bed, I am lonely and have been up since 3am... She is being irrational if this is only about race or.. I just slept with a woman, I didn't know it would be easier for her to get over if the woman was black. In the 15 months since the infidelity... She has returned to normal, she never called me out, never told her parents. This might be an issue to. She may have felt even worse as her parents and I are very close. My parents and her... aren't... I think she may feel bitter as her parents embrace me more and more as the days near our wedding day... Nothing changed with us, I mean. Our sex life wasn't stale, she kept fit, even lost a few pounds as the years went on. The sex was amazing so I thought it would be equally amazing with someone new? I knew I wanted to propose and had been feeling that way for awhile. Since I was 23 actually. My friends maybe have made comments that annoyed me, calling me married essentially after our relationship after 6 months started. Since 19 I have spent at least sometime everyday with her even through fights, school, holidays.. I just wanted to be independent, not so codependent as she has taught me almost everything I know from running a business (it was her idea, then she eventually coached me through starting my own) she put me through school, she enabled me to work from home, she is the reason I have traveled the world, have a good diet, eat great food, read great books... Maybe this clears some things up for you? @whichwayisup She believes our thoughts dictate our actions and is very much into the psychology of the human brain, and what motivates us to do what we do. We attend a weekly session. As not to seem...like a rapist. I have not brought up the sex issue in our sessions. I wine and dine her, make a real effort to romance her.. nothing works. If I could get her out of her own head.. just when I think she will give in I see the 'look' and then panic! She is off. We date every Thursday, we watch movies on netflix, I am still my same assertive self, she doesn't mind. The only issue I have is the love making... I asked her last night at dinner if she was happy. She says of course, we pop in Salt (an action movie) and half way through I am extremely aroused. I place her hand over the erection and just wait, wait to see if she will finally do anything, anything... Turns out she has seen this movies before (when?) is now exhausted and has a headache. More excuses ranging from 2 week long periods, stress, tiredness... None of these are true because I am with her every second! She seems happy and well rounded until I want to be with her. Give me anything and I'll try it. There seems to be nothing I can do and I am doomed to be in a celibate relationship. I am not a sexual deviant I just want to make love to me wife.
Author LostIn Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 Sigh she is up now. Luckily I was able to masturbate in the shower. I am very agitated and really annoyed. I am in an extremely bad mood right now. She has told me Good Morning... We really might fight today. I can't take this. I am at the end of my rope. 15 months...
cmh2002 Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 @findingnemo At this point being celibate for 15 months should easily prove who I am dedicated too and want to be with. As she is sleeping in our bed, I am lonely and have been up since 3am... She is being irrational if this is only about race or.. I just slept with a woman, I didn't know it would be easier for her to get over if the woman was black. In the 15 months since the infidelity... She has returned to normal, she never called me out, never told her parents. This might be an issue to. She may have felt even worse as her parents and I are very close. My parents and her... aren't... I think she may feel bitter as her parents embrace me more and more as the days near our wedding day... Nothing changed with us, I mean. Our sex life wasn't stale, she kept fit, even lost a few pounds as the years went on. The sex was amazing so I thought it would be equally amazing with someone new? I knew I wanted to propose and had been feeling that way for awhile. Since I was 23 actually. My friends maybe have made comments that annoyed me, calling me married essentially after our relationship after 6 months started. Since 19 I have spent at least sometime everyday with her even through fights, school, holidays.. I just wanted to be independent, not so codependent as she has taught me almost everything I know from running a business (it was her idea, then she eventually coached me through starting my own) she put me through school, she enabled me to work from home, she is the reason I have traveled the world, have a good diet, eat great food, read great books... Maybe this clears some things up for you? @whichwayisup She believes our thoughts dictate our actions and is very much into the psychology of the human brain, and what motivates us to do what we do. We attend a weekly session. As not to seem...like a rapist. I have not brought up the sex issue in our sessions. I wine and dine her, make a real effort to romance her.. nothing works. If I could get her out of her own head.. just when I think she will give in I see the 'look' and then panic! She is off. We date every Thursday, we watch movies on netflix, I am still my same assertive self, she doesn't mind. The only issue I have is the love making... I asked her last night at dinner if she was happy. She says of course, we pop in Salt (an action movie) and half way through I am extremely aroused. I place her hand over the erection and just wait, wait to see if she will finally do anything, anything... Turns out she has seen this movies before (when?) is now exhausted and has a headache. More excuses ranging from 2 week long periods, stress, tiredness... None of these are true because I am with her every second! She seems happy and well rounded until I want to be with her. Give me anything and I'll try it. There seems to be nothing I can do and I am doomed to be in a celibate relationship. I am not a sexual deviant I just want to make love to me wife. Could it be that maybe she wants to wait until you are married? My brother and his wife waited until they were married to have sex once they were engaged. My brother is white and his wife is black as well.They had sex before getting engaged but once the ring was on her finger she didnt put out until they got married.. Have you asked her why she won't have sex with you? What you can do to make things better? I would strongly sugest counseling of some sort before you get married.
Author LostIn Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 Could it be that maybe she wants to wait until you are married? My brother and his wife waited until they were married to have sex once they were engaged. My brother is white and his wife is black as well.They had sex before getting engaged but once the ring was on her finger she didnt put out until they got married.. Have you asked her why she won't have sex with you? What you can do to make things better? I would strongly sugest counseling of some sort before you get married. Doubt it. She masturbates...Once I was even allowed to kinda participate. Its all just Bull. I asked her a few months ago and the answer was 'I am not in the mood'... lies. lies. So, should I call her out in front of our counselor? We can call for emergency sessions.. Do you think we should go today?
Author LostIn Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 Doubt it. She masturbates...Once I was even allowed to kinda participate. Its all just Bull. I asked her a few months ago and the answer was 'I am not in the mood'... lies. lies. So, should I call her out in front of our counselor? We can call for emergency sessions.. Do you think we should go today? Sigh... its Thanksgiving isn't it. We can't go today. Just another long terribly frustrating day.
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