What is he thinking?!

[PoppyLove89]

So my boyfriend broke-up with me almost a month ago. We'd had a pretty pressure one year relationship because he had literally just joined the army when we started dating and was away for the first 6 weeks so we built our emotional bond before the physical aspect took over by writing letters to each other and he'd text and call whenever he was allowed to. We'd really started falling for each other and were inseparable whenever he was home.

 

Things started going bad when he went back to barracks after 2 months off for summer, it dawned on me that he would soon be deployed to Afghanistan and that he might not return alive (yes, I realise it was an unlikely scenario but it could happen). I became very emotional and whenever I brought up the issue he'd dismiss it and get angry - I realise now that he's just as scared as I was/am and is regretting his decision to sign-up. We'd argue for about half an hour on a friday or saturday and then everything would be fine again for the rest of the weekend; we'd be laughing, fooling around, planning our future etc. We were best-friends as well as lovers and he'd often mention the idea of proposing to me when he came back from Afghan (you wouldn't suggest this to someone you weren't seriously in love with, right?) We'd agreed to move in together next Spring and he'd often text me, "I can't wait to have our own place!" or "I can't wait to live with you!" - again, not something you'd bring-up of your own accord unless you wanted it, right?

 

He'd always tell me he loved me and would do anything for me...anyway, our final week was rather strained but we still have plenty of laughs/intimacy/cuddles/kisses etc. Only 4 days before our split he'd got all excited and started picking out lamps for our flat on the Ikea website - so I know he wasn't planning on us ending. The final straw came on a Saturday that I was due to work a 13 hour shift. I asked him what he'd got planned and he said he was going to watch the football with his mates, no problems there! He then revealed that they'd asked him to go on a night out, I said, "Okay fair enough but will you meet me when I finish work at about 2am?" because I was only allowed to stay over at his mum's flat on the weekend and he was due back to camp the next day (he's at camp during the week so doesn't have his own place) but he refused. I was upset by this and let my emotions get the better of me. I was snappy with him, he became annoyed with me. He went on his night out and I presume him and his mates were ripping our relationship to shreds. (His friends are all newly-single and miss not having him around because whenever he is home, he'll spend his daytimes with me and see them when I'm in work). The next day, I went round to his and was still angry with his lack of compromise. I snapped at him that he could do what he liked because I was done. He then unsurprisingly ended things. Following an hour of crying and begging, I left. In the week that followed it was clear to me that he was confused and unsure of his decision. He'd pick up when I rang him, even rang me when I asked him to...told me he missed and loved me but that he was sick of the arguments and not seeing his friends. As the weeks passed and he went out drinking every weekend (he isn't a big drinker and never has been, even when he was single before me so he'll get bored of this) the contact grew less and less until he ignored me whenever he was home (he'd only reply while he was at camp and away from his friends). His sister told me he'd been ignoring and avoiding his family and had become an altogether angry person. I text him basically saying "Goodbye, I'm letting you go etc" (but in a more emotional way obviously) and he replied, "I'm literally still not sure what I want but if I do feel like we need to talk, don't worry I'll text you." I know him well enough to know that if his mind was made up, he'd have told me straight there and then, so I know he truly was confused. Anyway, I grew frustrated by his behaviour and deleted him off facebook...a couple minutes later I received a text saying, "I'm sorry for how I have been. I genuinely never ever meant to hurt you."

 

Now my theories are these:

1) His mum has suggested this was his easy way out. He'd rather hurt me now than later should he not return from Afghan alive - he's regretting his career choice and is terrified.

 

2) He grew tired of the arguments and his friends convinced him that being single is more fun - this novelty will wear off soon enough since he doesn't tend to drink and will eventually sit at home bored.

 

I know him well enough to know that he'll regret it, if he doesn't already, but I also know him enough to know he'd rather live without me than swallow his pride and admit he was wrong. He's very much, out of sight/out of mind. Mind over matter. His head leads his heart...but here's the thing, I'm his second serious girlfriend. His first broke up with him and left him for someone else. She later contacted him 2 years later when that relationship failed and they reconciled for 6 months until he dumped her. Why am I not worth the fight? I never did anything to hurt him. I put myself through a lot to stick by him...we spent 3 months of our year long relationship apart and it devastated me. He told me I was the love of his life, yet now it seems I never existed? He's angry , getting drunk at weekends, side-lining the army and pushing those closest to him away? He doesn't share his feelings with anyone really, apart from with me when we were together. He has his guard up to everyone and often told me I was too close, I could hurt him because he loved me. I realise he'll be acting all macho with his friends and "yeah, I don't care" but I know he must do if anything he ever told me about his feelings for me were true.

 

Part of me wishes I hadn't deleted him off facebook because then he'd still be reminded of me...but I don't want to see what he gets up to. He's changed and seems bitter/angry. I've been a mess since we split up and I hate the thought of him not thinking about us, missing me or even being on the rebound. I feel like I meant nothing to him...after all we'd planned and went through. I hate the thought of being disposable to him, I miss him with all my heart and want to be back in his arms. I've not contacted him again

[yello243]

My ex joined the air force and ever since he did he changed too. He was so different after the basic training he was just different. We were together for almost 6 years and military relationships overall are very difficult. What i have learned so far if it helps is that, let it go i know its really tough but let it go, focus on you, If it is meant to be it will be leave it to faith. If you tried all you could on your behalf than it is up to him now. I dont have a facebook because it really makes me just feel worse. I dont care what anyone says the military does change a person specially the man, it teaches them to set their feelings aside, and the military becomes their life. If he loves what he does in the military is even harder to get control of them you cant. I know how you are feeling, i feel the same way, after 5 years and a half i am devastated. But that is not an easy life to live worried what might happen when they get deployed etc.. I understand you in every way, message me any time you want, i know how difficult it is, because i am going through a similar situation myself.

 

But trust me do not contact him,just ignore him for a while, if he really cares, and if he really loves you and misses you he WILL most DEFINITELY contact you i promise, otherwise give yourself self worth and stand strong! Trust that they have no families with them, and they are alone, no matter how much they drink themselves away in the army there is always that spot in them that will never be filled, if he loves you he will contact you i promise you that, i guarantee it. He is prideful but he will think about things. At one point he has to.

 

Stay strong!

[PoppyLove89]

Thank you, it's just so hard...how can he just shrug me off like this because of a few arguments? There must be an underlying reason! I've been devastated, I dream about him and wake up missing him more. It's easiest when I'm busy but when I'm not, all I do is think about him and I don't want to.

 

I honestly feel like I didn't mean half as much to him as he made out if it's this easy for him to cut me out and just go on as though nothing's happened. I don't want to love someone that walks away this easy...I'm heartbroken

[yello243]

Believe me i know what you are going through, i just got out of a 5 and a half year relationship with my first love and it is anything but easy. Once you realize that you put in forth all your effort and he has not even bother to try back it is really up to him to make the move. You said something very important and that was " I don't want to love someone that walks away this easy" and you shouldn't either, specially with someone who is in the military, if you are there for him and give him support 100% you should expect the same from him. Bottom line he needs you more than you need him because of his circumstances and the one who will find himself alone most of the time is him. I would give it time, don't rush things if it is for you believe me it is for you and nothing or no one can get in the way of that. Stay positive, it seems like he was just using the few arguments as an excuse. Bethe bigger person and just try to go on about your own things, eventually he will have to think about things and if he truly loves you he will come around, otherwise something better is out there for you, you'll see. I know some days are harder than others i know how hard it is to have another day pass and not one call or text from them, it is hard but you have to brush those feelings away from your mind, think about what a beautiful day it is, put up goals for yourself such as taking up a hobby hanging out with friends and it really helps. For instance right now for me am determined more than ever to finish my bachelors degree and i have no worries of a relationship to hold me down, i am willing to do everything possible to achieve it and focus on me. Focus on yourself and start putting up goals for yourself and achieve them little by little and you will find self-confidence. Build your strength slowly and you will be able to move on. Don't devote your attention all towards him, try to think about random things and let your mind wander to something else. Stay strong it is really hard but not impossible remember the only thing in life that can not be fixed is death aside from that everything else is fixable, and possible to overcome

[PoppyLove89]

A mutual friend of ours has suggested that he walked away to stop hurting me by always being away...if this is the case, I'll never get him back even though he does love and miss me

 

He's told us both (me and our mutual friend) that he thinks he's depressed and either wants to leave the army or go to Afghan because he's "bored of being bored". I feel like all the factors around him; his career, his friends, his emotional state...have all brought him to this decision. I just want to have a rational conversation with him. I know for a fact he'll regret it sooner or later because I was ALWAYS there for him, regardless.

 

What do I do?? I know he'd be with me if he'd only give in to himself. I hate my life, why is this happening?!

[ChelseaLS]

I am sorry for your pain. I have no expereince with military and relationships, but I can relate to the "friends tearing our relationship to shreds" part. I am pretty sure... 99% sure, my ex's fantastic newly single friends had part in his choice. They wanted their wing man back. Its such bull ****... especially for a 34 year old.

 

I wish you the best. You will be okay.

[PoppyLove89]

I know, tell me about it!! My ex is 23, soon to be 24, and his friends have all only just turned 20...no wonder he's confused! He's got such a "grown-up" job that he's regretting, he was planning some real "grown-up" relationship milestones with me and on the other hand he has his young, immature "single is the way forward" "we go out 3 nights a week and get wasted because we don't have a care in the world" friends!

 

Before I deleted him off facebook, we left it at him saying "I'm literally still not sure what I want, but if I do feel like we need to talk, don't worry, I'll text you x"...then he saw i'd deleted him and text me saying, "im sorry for how i've been. I genuinely never meant to hurt you in any way. sorry we didn't work out in the end x" - I feel like I made his decision for him by deleting him. He's realised he's hurt me too much. I'll never hear from him again, I bet

[timchambo]

Not sure how long this relationship lasted or if it started much prior to him joining. Also no personal experience in the military. My few thoughts as I read your story

 

1) I dont think he is really protecting your feelings in all this. It's wishful thinking at this point and probably will keep you attached longer than you should be

 

2) he's young, around a bunch of other young men, and probably enjoying the attention from the women that hang out at bars near the base. From friends I have heard about the female crowd looking to land a military man for benefits and such.

 

3) Be strong and independent. Any time you reach out to him it's going to tell him you are spending your free time thinking about him and not yourself. Even as a man we want a strong partner. By him looking at you thinking you are always thinking about him it looks weak and might come across as a burden. Not saying you are, just that may be how he perceives it.

 

In time if you start going you own direction, he may wish he was going with you. I strongly encourage you to do so as there is clearly no guarantee with this man.

[PoppyLove89]

Well yeah, I could understand the women in bars situation IF their barracks wasn't in the middle of nowhere...literally miles out from any towns and the only women there are spouses who live in married quarters. He comes home every weekend because it's so boring there, originally he travelled home every weekend to see me. We were together for just over a year.

 

This break-up wasn't pre-planned, only the night before he was talking about our future and how much he loved me and couldn't wait. It was an argument that got out of hand and now he's told his best-friend he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. If it was the case that he just wants to be single and f*** around, well then I don't know him at all...he is and was never the type, even before me.