maysj18 Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 So I've posted different threads about a guy I'm seeing at my college. After a couple of weeks of seeing each other, we had a small argument whenever he was all over another girl right in front of me. At the time it seemed very obnoxious and it did hurt my feelings, so I lashed out. We both ended up apologizing the next day (although I let him know that I was genuinely hurt by the situation) and everything is fine now. Well, before we started talking, my ex has been trying to force himself back into the picture for a little over a year now. We are both extremely attracted to each other and we have wonderful sexual chemistry, but I've always been weary partially because he has seemed so desperate. I've been keeping my ex at arm's length and even more so now because of this new guy I'm seeing. After the incident with the girl, when my ex came on to me very strongly and said he really needed to talk to me in person, I thought it may be good to tell the guy I'm seeing because I don't want to seem like a hypocrite. We also haven't really established our relationship and I felt like this was as good a time as any to try to figure things out. I called him Friday since we are currently on holiday and told him the situation saying that "My ex contacted me and said he really needs to talk. He's been coming onto me a lot lately, so I wanted to run this by you and see how you felt about it." The conversation then went something like this: Him: You can see him if you want, I'm not someone who can tell you what to do Me: Yes, you are. If it makes you uncomfortable then tell me, because as of right now I don't really know what our situation is. I'm not the kind of person to date around, and seeing my ex who has made his intentions very clear, would be crossing the line if we are "together", but I don't know how you feel. Him: You can be sure that I'm only seeing you. Me: Are you sure? There really will be no hard feelings if you want something more casual. Him: No, I want this. I will be honest though and say that I'm not looking for something serious. Me: Well, I'm going to be honest and say that while I'm not searching high and low for it, I do want something where getting serious later on down the road is an option. Him: I understand, let's just see where the road takes us then. Me: Okay. Him: I do trust you and as long as you and that guy hang out as just friends, I'm okay with you seeing him to talk. I feel like that went rather well. The only thing that stands out is the "I'm not looking for anything serious" thing. If he meant it as "I want something very casual", would he have denied me once I told him that I do want something serious later? Or what? I could also tell by his voice that although he at first said he was okay if I saw my ex, he was covering up his real feelings about it.
Nexus One Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 (edited) May, I'm sorry to say, but I don't think this guy meant he wants something serious later down the road, while you might. Don't date this guy if you want to get serious with him, you're going to end up hurt. Some red flags: - He made out with the local sl*t (as you once mentioned) - He made out with you on a bed, only to then later be all touchy feely with another girl in front of you. - Now he directly tells you he doesn't want anything serious. This guy has some red flags, but he's also being honest. He basically told you where he wants this to go and where he wants this to end. He made it clear through words, attitude and action. Edited November 23, 2011 by Nexus One
snowflakes88 Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I feel like that went rather well. The only thing that stands out is the "I'm not looking for anything serious" thing. Yes, it went well - as long as you are not looking for anything serious, which you are. The guy has been clear about what he wants, and it isn't what you want. Of course he's going to say "let's see what happens"... he's a college guy and you're having sex without requiring him to actually date you or commit to you. He isn't going to mess that up. And then when things don't develop into anything serious down the road and you get frustrated at the time you wasted, he'll be able to point to this conversation and say that he told you right up front he didn't want anything serious. And he'll be right. You can put your blinders on and hope that he didn't really mean what he said or that he'll change his mind, but that is highly unlikely. If he was interested in something serious with you, he would say so, and he'd treat you as though he was - by actually taking you out, dating you, not being physical with other women in front of you, not just having sex and "hanging out."
Feelsgoodman Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 No, it didn't go as well as you think it did. The guy essentially told you that you are not very important to him. The fact that he doesn't care about you seeing an ex who's "coming on to you strongly" is particularly telling (unless he thought you were making that up to make him feel jealous and decided to play it cool)
Nexus One Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 (edited) The fact that he doesn't care about you seeing an ex who's "coming on to you strongly" is particularly telling Seconded, in an exclusive loyal relationship he would expect you to keep up a boundary on your side of the relationship, which would mean he'd expect you to keep your ex at bay. Which illustrates and emphasizes that he's not aiming for such a relationship with you. The thing is May, from reading your threads, I suspect you have a different definition of "nothing serious" than the guy your talking about. The guy is looking to sleep around, I get the feeling that's not what you have in mind. Edited November 23, 2011 by Nexus One
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