Serious relationship issues...or not

[bohica]

First, i'd like to say thank you to anyone who takes the time to not only read but respond to my thread. Second, I'd like to apologize for the length of it but my situation is very complicated. Lastly, I'll try to give a breakdown then a concluding synopsis.

 

I've been dating someone for a little over a year but have known for over three. When we met she was married and she also has a son (11yrs) from a different marriage. The communication between us was part professional and part personal and was very rare. Although I found myself attracted to her I never acted on it or told her. It wasn't until two years after we met that she told me she wasn't in love and that she was moving out and seeking a divorce. It wasn't long before she moved out and sought legal separation. It was around that time that we started to communicate much more and shared our first kiss one romantic afternoon.

This is where this journey starts.

 

My love for this women grew out of friendship. She always had this amazing way of making feel a sense of value. I work in a tough creative industry and changed my careers 4 years ago to chase my dream in a tough economy. She has always been a beaming light of positive reinforcement of encouragement and of support. She loved speaking to me about my work and fully engaged me about my passions and dreams. I've never experienced such encouraging support before. I love talking to her and spending time with her and although we have barely nothing in common I adored her. Did I mention she's beautiful !? My feelings for her grew quickly but the pace had to remain slow and steady and very quiet. It was important for us to keep a low profile for a little while.

 

Her marriage was over well before it started but she stayed in it for 8yrs. Unhappy, lonely. She finally got the nerve to go. During the separation and later during the divorce paperwork went unsigned, undelivered, and challenged by her ex. He has stalked her and continues to try and make contact. The holidays came around last year and he would just show up uninvited. This obviously put stress on me. As much as I tried to understand and sympathize, she was married for 6yrs after all, it was still hard for me. To this day, over a year later he still is persistent, even with just trying to be"friends". Late night phone calls, emails, texts, etc... He's never let her be alone. He's even followed us in his car.

 

Her son who obviously means the world to her is the result of a mistake she made at a very young age. Her and his father had a short marriage that ended when he was just two yrs old. He (the father) is with out question a dead beat dad who doesn't come close to not only living up to his financial responsibility but to his custody as well. Hes there one weekend out of the month when it should every weekend. He cancels at the last moment, picks up at the last moment. Communicates to her through his son. Talks down to her, yells at her, sends nasty texts messages, hangs up on her and is just completely uncooperative. Year after year after year. I talk to her about sticking up for herself and standing up to her ex and her rights but she has given up years ago. The sad thing is that the son thinks his dad is a god like figure. This obviously puts stress on us because we can't make plans. It doesn't help that she also works weekends. Her time off is rare as she works most weekends and when she is off she will most likely have her son. If she is working her parents watch him.

 

Her parents are very conservative and came here from the middle east during the early 80's. My girlfriend was in her teens at the time. They hold on to there middle eastern values so a women, at any age, if not married should not be dating and is viewed as a great disappointment if they divorce and then date. They are as strict with her now in her late thirties as someone would be with an 8 yr old. Her father tells her not to date, not to go out, not even to have friends. Although her mother knows about me I live in the shadows in almost complete darkness. After over a year of dating and six months after her divorce and in my mid forties I need to be kept in the closet. I tell her that her fathers views should not be her own and that she is an adult that should not be afraid of her fathers opinion. We accept people for who they are but we need to live our lives as we wish. She fought for years to get out of her parents control but she lets this happen. Our path to true happiness is living our lives not that of our parents. I have to park my car on the corner so her parents won't see it in the driveway. The other day we noticed her parents were coming down the block in there car. She got nervous and asked me to hide downstairs. Lucky they made a right turn. Understanding to a certain extent is that its the same with her son.

 

Her son is extremely protective of her and she of him. I have understood in the past that our relationship needs to be kept secret from him. Hes been through a lot and hes not at the age of understanding. However, I also believe that as a parent one has the ability to control the development of our children and despite the situation we can raise well adjusted people. He is aware of me but I've only met him and have been around him four or five times in a year. She's tells him were just friends but he's a very curious ,demanding, and aggressive young man. He reads her mail, listens in her phone conversations, reads her texts messages, etc..I can't come over when he's there, or call when hes home. She goes to bed when hes goes to bed. Won't talk to me even when hes sleeping, drives him to school and picks him up. Two months ago we were coming home from dinner and as we drove up he was being dropped off from a play date. She asked me get out two blocks away. Recently, she expressed that he has been threatening her with me. Saying he will leave and live with his dad if she sees me. He has expressed his disappointment is the past but it's worse now. He tells his father and his grandpa about me. She then hears from her dad about me and her ex!

 

I love and care for her so much. I feel that her life would be so much better if she stood up to all the controlling men in her life (including her son)

and lived her life. I can only say so much if anything at all and feel guilty if I do.

 

Finally, lately I've been in a really bad place. My business is failing, i've returned back to college to better myself and I'm having a hard time emotionally and financially and I think she feels it. I think, that at a time when I need to feel her energy the most, when I need to feel her support the most she's pulling away. But, I'm not sure. It may just be me but I'm not feeling the energy right now. She used to call me every morning, every night. She would tell me all day how she missed me. All that is slowing down at a fast rate. I recently had two talks with her about how I feel and she ensured me things are ok. This morning she had to cut the conversation short because she had to get ready for work. She said she would call me on the way to work but never did. That to me is sending a strong message. One detrimental thing is that serious talks are pressure to her. She finds them stressful in an already stressful life. I'm down and lack confidence, I need her but at the same time everything that I choose to except with her in draining me. I have my doubts lately. Shes my best friend and I love her but Its been very hard. Its the holidays once again and I can't be with her. She wouldn't even think of it. She tells me that her father just doesn't understand. I'm not sure if I should go break up with her, talk to her again, or just hold out because all this may just be me and my mental state at the moment. I sometimes can't help thinking that someone else is keeping her occupied because im not giving her what she needs right now or is this whole thing due to the fact that shes not giving me what I want ? I certainly don't want to start blaming her.

 

Its the day before Thanksgiving. What do I do?

Edited November 23, 2011 by bohica

[bohica]

Why is it that im getting no reads or replies but I see others who

posted after me get dozens ?

[ThsAmericanLife]

I'm not sure how to really respond to this...

 

I tend not to get involved with men whose divorces aren't final and have been single for awhile because there are alot of issues that need to be dealt with... especially when kids are involved.

 

It is understandable that you chose to have something more serious with her at a point in your life when you felt more emotionally able to put in the investment of seeing her through the divorce process... but you can see now there are many things she still has to deal with... right?

 

Do you have any other friends/family to lean on right now? I know it is Thanksgiving... my family lives 1000 miles away and neither of us can afford to travel. When I moved to where I live now about 8 years ago, I did it completely alone. No friends or family. It was a tough few years at first developing new friendships.

 

...and about the lack of responses... for some bizarre reason, people seem to be drawn to the more polarizing threads. Not sure why. Kind of the 'car wreck' theory... One tries not to look, but people get sucked in anyway. In the meantime, there are people here genuinely looking for advice and help and get neglected...

 

It isn't personal... just kind of a phase LS appears to be going through right now...

Edited November 23, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[bohica]

I chose this forum so I didn't have to talk to friends or family. Sometimes, although they have your best interest in mind they aren't the best people to turn to.

 

The whole thing has been very complicated. Her family, her two ex's, her kid, her job. I've been very patient and understanding.

 

I need her now more then ever yet at the same time I'm feeling distance and not much chemistry. It could be me but I usually have great instincts.

 

Thank you

[blueskyday]

It's hard when someone is going through a divorce. I also tend to not date guys going through a divorce, but I understand that it can happen if you meet the right person.

 

Unfortunately, you are in a fairly powerless situation as you have to go along with the forces that are driving the divorce and subsequent issues that will affect you.

 

All you can do is talk with her. If she's pulling away, ask her gently why and then give her a bit of space if she is feeling over-whelmed. Keep your own needs in mind, and communicate them to her as well.

 

You've been together a year and sometimes people start feeling comfortable at this stage. They may take you for granted, or start to take care of other things in their lives because you are a stable factor that they can divert energy from (temporarily, that is!)

 

So you aren't able to spend Thanksgiving together because her father won't understand?

[blueskyday]

I also see that you need some support now. Try letting her know that, and how she can help you.

 

When I was dating someone going through a divorce, I was also patient and willing to put myself on the back-burner. It got very old, and I got very frustrated.

 

I wish I had been better about taking care of my needs back then. Remember, things will be different when the divorce is final. This is a transition time if you can hang on through it.

 

If you are worried that her feelings have changed, then all you can do is ask her about that, and pull back a bit if you feel she is distancing herself.

 

Hard to do, but it's important for you not to get lost during this time in the morass of her needs, the kids' needs, etc. Keep a cool head and some time for yourself.

[bohica]

Thank you

 

I may have not indicated that the divorce was final a few months back. I believe it was August.

 

Yes, the father does not understand. He doesn't think she should be dating or having any kind of personal life. Thing is, she's in her mid thirties and shouldn't be afraid of what her father thinks. I want to spend a nice holiday with her. I want to buy her a card or write her a letter with out having to hide it or throw it out. I want to be able to buy her

 

We have been together long enough and I'm old enough to not have to hide in a basement or get out of the car two blocks away.

[ShannonMI]

Why is it that im getting no reads or replies but I see others who

posted after me get dozens ?

'Cause that sh*t is too long winded. Try to make it shorter if you can and you will get far more responses. Yes, we are lazy and don't want to read a damn novel.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Welcome to LS, Bohica!

 

I don't think the length of your post has much to do with getting responses... people here seem prefer spending their time trashing the opposite sex and commenting on mundane topics than actually trying to help people.

 

There are other sites that are much better. I'd recommend Marriage Builders. It isn't just for married people. There are people there who are recently divorced or are dealing with blended families too. It has been awhile since I posted there, but I found people there to be very respectful and helpful. Alot more constructive than what I've seen here.

 

When I posted about Thanksgiving, I mainly met people to spend time with. It is tough to be going through any kind of life crises when you don't have friends/family nearby... or have some kind of support network. Do you have a support network?

Edited November 24, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife