foreveralways Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 So my ex and I broke up about 3 months ago. We were together for about 10 months (the first 3 months were on and off, due to my fickle feelings). At first, for the most part, I was okay. The breakup was mutual, but I was pretty annoyed that he did it online (I was planning to initiate it the next time we saw each other) and like a week before my birthday (yeah, jerk move I know...) but I guess there was no waiting because the relationship was dead. This is our story: Let's call my ex K. 2 years ago, we started talking casually just as friends. I felt at attraction towards him and was pretty flirty with him, but I never actually thought to myself "I like this guy". I was fond of him, but it didn't go so far as I saw myself with him. We flirted a lot, and I'm pretty sure he liked me (it was implied but never outright stated). We went to see a movie together (as friends or not was ambiguous, so not much happened). I didn't want things to get serious, so I gradually stopped talking to him. I later dated two other guys but for a short period of time. I starting keeping touch with K again online, and everything was fine and dandy and friendly and I'd tell him about the guy I was seeing. Eventually, we stopped talking again until a few months later when I had a class with him. I started talking to him again and felt a major attraction towards him. We flirted a whole lot, and eventually he told me he liked me. For a few weeks, we were happily dating (casually). However, I lost my feelings for him out of nowhere. For some reason, I felt like he wasn't THE guy for me. In my head, I knew that even though I liked him, I "could never TRULY like him" because his lack of motivation in life was a turn off for me. He still liked me but wanted to stay friends. So on and off for a few months as friends, I'd start flirting with him without even knowing it, and he'd catch on and tell me. I'd genuinely apologize for tugging at his heartstrings, and I told him that if he hated me, I'd understand. He said he didn't hate me, and although it hurt that my feelings were so fickle, he really wanted to stay friends. So eventually, about in February, I came along and fell completely for him. This is when things started getting serious. We were great. We were happy. But every now and then, we'd get into fights because he was jealous of my guy best friend (who I had before K and I ever had romantic interests). There was really no reason for him to get jealous, but he got jealous anyway. I always tried to reassure him that NOTHING would ever happen between me and my best friend, but he felt uneasy, not that he didn't trust me but because he thought my best friend was in love with me... I told K I couldn't just shun my best friend for a relationship, and that friendships are very important to me. He understood, but he wanted me to "teach him his place". I was also a very stressed out person, so sometimes I took out my bad mood on K. I would get snappy and moody with him, and he'd feel hurt and I'd tell him I was really sorry. I didn't understand why I was this way, because I'm generally a very gentle person, so I was confused as well. Things got worse. We started fighting about dumb things. He would get excessively jealous of my best friend, and I would get upset that he wasn't giving our relationship enough effort. After months of this, we were both sick and tired of it all. Something that had began so happy and loving turned into something so angry... and it was really both of our faults. I still had strong feelings for him, but I could tell he was losing his. I think he was giving up on me... he hurt too much from it and the love faded. But for me, even though I hurt a lot, I still really liked him... I was thinking about breaking up with him for about 2 months (because of the fighting) before we actually broke up. There was an instance in which I did "break up" with him because I thought a break would set things straight and make us better. He cried when this happened. The break didn't work and we were straight back together. But after a while, I guess he couldn't take my clinginess anymore (I got really clingy because I was upset that he wasn't showing effort as he used to. He used to be the sweetest thing and I used to be his world, but then he neglected me and it really hurt.) and feelings faded. We called it quits. For 3 months, we didn't talk at all. If we saw each other at school, we'd sometimes accidentally make eye contact but ignore each other. I was confused at why we needed to be so awkward, but it just became routine to not say hi. For the past month, I've thought about him a lot when I get lonely and begin to miss him. However, I miss the person he was before all the fighting, and I don't even know if I know the person he became... eventually, I had to get closure (calling it off online didn't allow for that) so I wrote him a long letter explaining how I was sorry for my faults in the relationship, how I missed him as a friend (I didn't want to show weakness and say I still wanted him) and how I really needed closure. I wished him well and told him I wanted to be friends again sometime. He replied with a letter of his own, saying that he doesn't think things will ever be the same again because of our past. I find this hard to swallow because 1) I believe they can be and 2) in previous experiences, when I myself felt that things could never be the same again, things always became the same again. And these were in situations much worse than mine with K. He said he can't say he's the same person anymore, but that if anything, he learned a lot about relationships from our time together. He said he doesn't know where we went wrong, but that at least I was one guy closer to my dream guy... and he signed it with a nickname I used to call him. He said hello to me the other day, but we didn't stop to talk. I later texted him after fully realizing all the pain I caused him during our relationship, and sincerely apologized for everything. He told me not to be so hard on myself and that it was fine. But he didn't seem like he wanted to talk... so I don't think he really wants to be friends (at least not now). I was his first serious girlfriend, first kiss, first lots of things. He told me he never felt as strongly towards a girl as he did with me (and I know he's not lying). So here I am, whereas I've dated plenty of guys, I'm sitting him missing him and regretting the mistakes I've made in the relationship. I've come so far as to even forgive his mistakes by justifying that they were effects of my mistakes. But he, on the other hand, doesn't seem to miss me. He's not very open with his feelings (even with his closest friends and family) so for all I know he could be hiding it. Sometimes I look at his blog and see posts that could be about me (some probably are, some are ambiguous). I get afraid that he has feelings for someone else... HIS female best friend (ironic huh? he'd always say that he'd never like her too, but then again, I don't know whether he does have feelings for her or not) And for the past few weeks, he's been in all my dreams... and I really wish he would at least just want to be friends. He used to be so in love with me... he'd do everything for me, we'd talk nonstop, he wouldn't be able to stand not talking to me for even the shortest amount of time. He said he wanted to marry me... we even talked about our kids' names.. haha. I thought I was too young to plan for the future like that, especially since we have more school ahead and will probably not be at the same school, but he would get legitimately upset that I thought he wasn't my future husband... Is it possible that after all that, after months of all that, of me being his first, he can just forget about me? Or is it more likely that he does think about me every now and then? If he doesn't miss me now, will he possibly come around and realize how much he misses me later? I know I should stop talking to him (letters, texts, everything) since he doesn't seem to reciprocate the desire to become friends again, at least not now. I'm not sure if he's not ready for it (scared of getting hurt, still possibly has feelings like I do?) or if he genuinely doesn't want to be part of my life anymore. I'm going to stop talking to him, especially since I have more important things to focus on. But eventually, I really do want to go sit down for some coffee or something and just catch up. Do you think that'll be okay to propose after maybe 1-2 months? Why does he act the way he does? Is it likely that he thinks about me too given the circumstances??? Sigh, I just wish I could stop thinking about all this. And I just wanted to put this here because it's really cute... hahaha.
stillafool Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 First loves can be so hard to get over and I feel for you. I don't think it is wise to try to become friends with your ex after a breakup. Mainly because it isn't friendship you are really seeking but a chance to get back together. I would say from your ex's response to your advances for communication he isn't interested in getting back together with you but is moving on with his life. That doesn't mean years from now he won't look back at your relationship as one of the best and reach out to you. You have gotten all the closure from him you are going to get. There is never full closure because you will always have more questions. You have to make your own closure in the end. Try to keep busy and don't contact him again.
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