Ex Refused to Let Me Explain. May Be A Long Read, Sorry.

[sardeen]

Hello,

 

Towards the end of October, my girlfriend decided that we needed to break up because I was not fulfilling her needs emotionally, was overly critical of her and she was not sure if we wanted the same things.

 

On the date before the dump, she was crying quite a bit because I asked her if it was okay that I saw a play with another girl and she kept saying, "But we were supposed to do something that day!" even though she told me she had work that day. She kept asking the girls name, how I knew the girl and all kinds of questions that made me think she didnt trust me. I told her that her trust issues were a problem and she said she didnt have trust issues, she was upset that I made plans with another girl when she said she wanted to hang out with me, which was not at all true. Eventually, I told her that I was just making up a scenario and was not actually going to see the movie with anyone. We talked and talked and when things were resolved, we went on to watch a movie, ate dinner and I took her home.

 

When I took her home, we spoke for hours and everything seemed to be resolved, we even had sex right after. I got home at 2am the next day and received a bunch of long text messages from her apologizing for being so bitchy and she told me that she was under a lot of pressure from her parents to move out and her dad was denying access to her grandmother whom she really loves and also said she feels her grandmother does not love her. I told her that maybe she needs a change of environment, should do her best to see her grandmother and should stop wanting her grandmother to reaffirm her love for her when it is obvious they both love each other. She thanked me and we went to sleep.

 

I check my facebook two days later and she told me that we needed to talk. This concerned me because she went to the doctor about not feeling well and I was really worried. We met up and thats when she dumped me for not fulfilling her needs, making inappropriate jokes and criticizing. See I admit to making horrible jokes which included having threesomes with her friends and sister, but the weird thing was that she would laugh at the jokes most of the time, then get upset sometimes. When I stopped, she would tell me I like your jokes and then it would be a cycle. In fact, the month preceding the break up, I actually stopped with those jokes and started complimenting her more instead and being more affectionate. I also criticized her because she would do things like complain her hands were freezing and deny me giving her gloves or constantly wear shoes that would give her blisters or hurt her feet. Problem with me is that I get worried and kept offering her advice or something warm and she would refuse and I would ask her why, that sorta thing.

 

I said goodbye and wished her the best and as I was leaving, she cried and told me to come back. We ended up talking a little more and she said she wants more time to think about.

 

Two days later, she emails me and tells me that I am her soulmate and our relationship is worth working on and that she wants kids and all that. We decided to meet up and talk in person and it was one of the best conversations I had because it turns out she was holding in a lot from me and was under so much stress, but we were connecting on such a high level and being open. Before she came though we talked on the phone and at some point, she said, "I hate when people cancel on me!" and I made the joke, "Oh by the way, you cant come today!", which was obviously a joke. She got upset and I asked, "Are you that sensitive?" I wasnt being sarcastic, but genuinely wanting to know her comfort level. She told me that the comment offended her and I apologized. She did bring up the joke on the phone and said it upset her, I apologized after she explained that she was being put down by her mother earlier that day about being a loser. When that was cleared, we continued reflecting on changes that need to be made and overall, it was a great day. The consensus was that we needed to work on communication and I needed to tone down on my jokes and criticisms. Little did I know when I kissed her goodbye, that would be the last time we would see each other.

 

After days of talking on Skype and clearing things up and gearing for the future, she brought up that she wanted to see more often, but for less time. I disagreed because I work a lot and did not see the point of seeing her for an hour and having her drop me to work when we could see each other once a week for the whole day and I could make sure she safely got home, but she felt it was too much at the time. Eventually, I realized that maybe we we shouldnt rush and though it was tough, I would be willing to do so.

 

After the last skype call, I sent her an email which stated that I will contact her less to give her space and that she should only hang out when she is ready because when she isnt, I start to care less, meaning that my high expectations arent met, something we talked about skype the same day and she agreed, keep in mind we ended that skype call on a happy note. She sent an email that said, "That's it, take care!" That was the last of it.

 

I did not understand what went wrong, so I called and texted her frantically. I then went to her house, BIG MISTAKE I KNOW and when she came to answer the door, she just stood there in shock. I kept telling her I just wanted to talk and clear things up, but her response was calling the police and telling my family to tell me to head home. I did so and man, I have never felt so worthless before in my life. When I got home, my family helped me out and I got a call from a cop saying if I contact her, she will file a restraining order and she wants nothing to do with me.

 

Of course, being me, I sent an email to her explaining how I was making changes and how I still loved her despite her treating me like a criminal and was willing to accept her decision. This happened about three weeks ago.

 

Since then, she unblocked me of facebook for whatever reason, her best friends are ignoring me and she has not contacted me at all.

 

Yesterday, I sent her a message that stated I couldnt play these games (I feel her unblocking me on facebook just for her friends and her to continue ignoring me is childish) and said goodbye. I also told deleted her two best friends who are ignoring me even though all I said was to take care of her as she is under a lot of stress and asked them to be my friend and help me get through this. I just couldnt take seeing my ex and them exchange messages despite them all ignoring me.

 

I feel a weird feeling right now ever since all of this and have a letter that I wrote which just tells her that all I wanted was to say goodbye. We were together for close to 4 years and her behavior towards the end was so odd. It was a lot more physical and even though I knew and asked what was wrong, she would say everything was okay. I admit to being a jerk at times for making those jokes, but you need to understand that I work in an environment where jokes like that are fair game, keep in mind I realize that is a problem and am leaving the industry too.

 

It really hurts that even though I am making crucial changes and treating people a lot better, she is never going to say goodbye to me. That email she sent about me being the one and wanting to have kids with me hurts the most because I know she will have no problem finding a guy and will experience that with him instead.

 

This is someone who always told me she felt worthless and always needed reassurance that people loved her and I gave that to her. I even at one point told her that she needs to learn how to love herself.

 

Now she is going back to people that are clearly abusing her emotionally and totally ignoring the guy who actually saw the good in her and genuinely wanted the best for her.

Edited November 23, 2011 by sardeen

[Chi townD]

Clearly this girl has issues to work out. I would run if I were you. You obviously understand where you went wrong in the relationship. Chauk it up to lessons learned. Once she got the cops involved in your relationship, that would have been a dealbreaker for me.

 

Once she unblocked you from Facebook, I would have turned around and blocked her and her friends. Time to go NC. de-friend and block her from Facebook. Don't answer any texts or take any phonecalls. If you have a urge to contact her, post here instead. We'll talk you through it. She stated that she's done with you and she wants you out of her life, then you give her EXACTLY what she wants. No reason for you to live like this.

[Paper Roses]

Sounds like this relationship got out of hand. Why did you tell her you were going to a play with another girl? That's like telling her she's not really all that important to you.

 

How do you know that she unblocked you from fb?? She had you arrested? Oh man. Leave this girl alone. I'm guessing she feels you didn't treat her right and she is just messing with you, probably laughing at you with her friends.

 

How come you want a formal Goodbye so much?

 

I'm going through a simliar situation. He treated me like I was nothing and now that I'm not giving him any contact whatsoever, he's doing everything to talk to me again. I don't owe him a thing, not after the way he treated me. I even posted here about him. I plan to never speak to him again. I guess maybe he wants a formal goodbye but he can dream on. What I don't understand is, didn't you get your goodbye from her on Skype?

 

Not saying you DID treat her bad, but maybe she feels that you did. You even said you were a jerk at times. Live and learn, don't make those jokes to the next girl unless you want to make her feel like crap.

 

Delete her and her friends from your fb, move on, don't contact her anymore and be glad this drama is over.

[sardeen]

Thanks guys for the input.

 

I am going through a lot of emotions right now, at times I would be ecstactic because my life is going to change drastically next year, but then I feel depressed because its like I wasted so much love on someone who didnt love me at all.

 

Just to add, there was one time she told me that she felt if she died, no one would care and it made me weep and tell her how she would be my wife and that she was loved. Its just so sad that she does not love herself as much and lets people walk over her.

 

It hurts so badly that I was used as a scapegoat for all her problems and that she made it seem that I am the cause for all her unhappiness.

 

Many people are telling me to hate her or hold a grudge, but I just can not do that.

 

You also need to understand that the year before, I was very depressed and closed myself from people, but she always tried to make contact with me and showed me that I am a good person, I just want to do the same for her, despite all she has done to me, it is really weird.