PUREHEARTOM Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Any other OM's out there made the leap from single OM to a relationship with a divorced woman with kids? I was the OM but now she's single (came to that decision on her own) and looking to be with me. I want to give it a try but am scared about the responsibility and big changes to my life. Been a bachelor all my life, focused on school and work. I love this gal but can't be sure I can handle the pressure on top of my rigorous work schedule, family, etc. Anyone made the jump?
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Why not just date her, get out of the affair dynamic completely and get to know her slowly again, no rush to be involved in her daily life, to be in her kids lives, then just see how things go?
Author PUREHEARTOM Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 Thanks Whichway. I have thought about that. There's probably a bit of drama involved because of the freshness of the situation but I will try and overcome it.
SBC Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 This smells like a potential train-wreck to me. Are you sure she came to the decision on her own and not with visions of sugar plums and a life with you in her mind..?
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Well, since it's just so fresh, do nothing. Allow her time and space to grieve the loss of her marriage and get used to all the changes. She has kids, so there is going to be huge adjustment happening for a while.
Author PUREHEARTOM Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 This smells like a potential train-wreck to me. Are you sure she came to the decision on her own and not with visions of sugar plums and a life with you in her mind..? Good point SBC. I made no assurances to her because I try really hard to keep my promises. Of course she thinks there's a chance for us but she did it on her own and I am trying my best to stay out of it. If she holds on to the idea of the two of us too tightly she falls apart and tries to be strong for her kids. The marriage is definitely a difficult thing to unwind and she is trying to be respectful to her husband. He is having a tough time and I sympathize with him.
SBC Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 (edited) You want to give it {the relationship} a try. You are trying to stay out of it. You try really hard to keep your promises. If my man used phrases like this in connection to me, I would kick him to the curb toot sweet. Do you keep your promises, or not? Edited November 23, 2011 by SBC
SoMovinOn Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try. ~ Yoda ~ If you decide to get further involved with half assed commitment, I imagine you would end up with a half assed relationship. So, the first thing you should do is take some time and decide what you want to do. I think you already know, since you're shying away from getting more involved. I'm not getting that "I love her so much I'll do whatever I have to do to be with her" vibe from you. I think there is someone who will make you feel that way, maybe it will even be her one day (but not right now), and you should wait until you find her. In the mean time, you can date her. Spend time living your life, let her get settled into her new life, then go from there. The one big "danger" that jumps out at me is if you and her get very involved, you move in with her, and she becomes dependent on your financial contribution to the household. If you later decide it's not working for you, you'll feel responsible to stay and trapped.
LoveTKO Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Not yet but we've "talked about it". As the OM, I told my MS that if she gets a divorce, she needs to do it because of the sucky marriage and not because it's a done deal with us, and she is smart enough to know the difference. But you need to realize why, as a bachelor, you are involved with a married woman to begin with. Responsibility and commitment with no way out is like Kryptonite to a single OM. Who are we fooling, right? I'm single, make good money, have 0 bills, look ten years my junior, have all my hair, flat stomach.........why do we want to compromise our selfish ways for a relationship when you stand to lose all of the perks of the affair? Don't get me wrong, if she was on a vacation in, for example, Iran and ended up in jail, I would be over there in the blink of an eye and would do everything in my power to get here out, including going broke if that's what it took - I do this for every special person in my life. But to have to deal with child support, ex husband baggage, taking out the trash, putting the cap on the toothpaste, all on a day-to-day basis....come on, who are we fooling here?
SBC Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Not yet but we've "talked about it". As the OM, I told my MS that if she gets a divorce, she needs to do it because of the sucky marriage and not because it's a done deal with us, and she is smart enough to know the difference. But you need to realize why, as a bachelor, you are involved with a married woman to begin with. Responsibility and commitment with no way out is like Kryptonite to a single OM. Who are we fooling, right? I'm single, make good money, have 0 bills, look ten years my junior, have all my hair, flat stomach.........why do we want to compromise our selfish ways for a relationship when you stand to lose all of the perks of the affair? Don't get me wrong, if she was on a vacation in, for example, Iran and ended up in jail, I would be over there in the blink of an eye and would do everything in my power to get here out, including going broke if that's what it took - I do this for every special person in my life. But to have to deal with child support, ex husband baggage, taking out the trash, putting the cap on the toothpaste, all on a day-to-day basis....come on, who are we fooling here? All the OW who are crying that their MM's are not leaving need to print out this post and tape it to their foreheads.
LoveTKO Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 All the OW who are crying that their MM's are not leaving need to print out this post and tape it to their foreheads. You're right! As OM/OW, we are all doing the wrong thing, just like the WS, and you need to stop fooling yourself that it's anything more than it is: it's and affair, and the only reason you can sustain this charade is because of the affair factor. The married woman I'm seeing and I often discuss how we probably wouldn't get along as a real life couple, primarily because we're pretty selfish from a relationship standpoint. We care about each other a whole lot, and sometimes out emotions take a toll on us, but we know, as that cliche phrase goes, "it is what it is".
SBC Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 You're right! As OM/OW, we are all doing the wrong thing, just like the WS, and you need to stop fooling yourself that it's anything more than it is: it's and affair, and the only reason you can sustain this charade is because of the affair factor. The married woman I'm seeing and I often discuss how we probably wouldn't get along as a real life couple, primarily because we're pretty selfish from a relationship standpoint. We care about each other a whole lot, and sometimes out emotions take a toll on us, but we know, as that cliche phrase goes, "it is what it is". This is not what I was getting at. The point I was trying to make is that men can compartmentalize this stuff away very easily. The other point you made that was important was --as the single person, you have a lot to give up when entering a relationship--most importantly, your freedom. Your comment about it being what it is. Well, if that is what rocks you to sleep at night, then by all means go for it, but it is not my thing. I am looking for my best bud, my partner in crime, the one who has my back at all time, and I his --not a weird, selfish bang and run with someone whom I would not get along with under ordinary circumstances. I mean, if that is the case, why bother in the first place?
nofool4u Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Any other OM's out there made the leap from single OM to a relationship with a divorced woman with kids? I was the OM but now she's single (came to that decision on her own) and looking to be with me. I want to give it a try but am scared about the responsibility and big changes to my life. Been a bachelor all my life, focused on school and work. I love this gal but can't be sure I can handle the pressure on top of my rigorous work schedule, family, etc. Anyone made the jump? You are going to make the jump with a cheater. Good luck with that. You'll won't be the last OM she will get the itch for.
LoveTKO Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 This is not what I was getting at. The point I was trying to make is that men can compartmentalize this stuff away very easily. The other point you made that was important was --as the single person, you have a lot to give up when entering a relationship--most importantly, your freedom. Your comment about it being what it is. Well, if that is what rocks you to sleep at night, then by all means go for it, but it is not my thing. I am looking for my best bud, my partner in crime, the one who has my back at all time, and I his --not a weird, selfish bang and run with someone whom I would not get along with under ordinary circumstances. I mean, if that is the case, why bother in the first place? You are wrong about men being able to compartmentalize things easier than women. The WS/MW I'm talking about always talks about how she compartmentalizes things. Why bother? If you're seeing someone for a couple of years where great chemistry, passion, and good dialogue are the highlights, why kill all that with cohabitation and having to look at your partners dirty underwear or tolerate incessant snoring?
Author PUREHEARTOM Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 You are going to make the jump with a cheater. Good luck with that. You'll won't be the last OM she will get the itch for. Boy are you judgmental, cynical and just off base. Me and this gal have a bit of history going on. Neither of us ever cheated on the other, let's just say.
Author PUREHEARTOM Posted November 25, 2011 Author Posted November 25, 2011 You are wrong about men being able to compartmentalize things easier than women. The WS/MW I'm talking about always talks about how she compartmentalizes things. Why bother? If you're seeing someone for a couple of years where great chemistry, passion, and good dialogue are the highlights, why kill all that with cohabitation and having to look at your partners dirty underwear or tolerate incessant snoring? It wasn't me who killed it. She's a single gal now and looking for a commitment, be it with me or another guy. Can't say I blame her. She has mouths to feed there. The husband was no saint but he provide for them but in the end she wanted more from her life.
y2k Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 Any other OM's out there made the leap from single OM to a relationship with a divorced woman with kids? I was the OM but now she's single (came to that decision on her own) and looking to be with me. I want to give it a try but am scared about the responsibility and big changes to my life. Been a bachelor all my life, focused on school and work. I love this gal but can't be sure I can handle the pressure on top of my rigorous work schedule, family, etc. Anyone made the jump? You're going to get a lot of negative responses here on loveshack because the majority of stories that end up here tend to be ones of complete failure and disaster. Yet in my personal life so far, I've seen two successful marriages that came from affairs, and have heard of others. The successful stories tend not to make it to the internet. The bottom line is that there is no law that says "only because the two of you met under an affair, will any potential relationship/marriage be a disaster". It could go like any relationship.....great or terrible. If it makes you happy to be with her, and if she is happy to be with you, then it should happen. But it seems like you have doubts because of your work schedule and some pressure you feel. Take some time to think it through. Just think of how you make each other feel. If it's all green lights, then the two of you can work through anything. Good luck on your decision.
jwi71 Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 Any other OM's out there made the leap from single OM to a relationship with a divorced woman with kids? I was the OM but now she's single (came to that decision on her own) and looking to be with me. I want to give it a try but am scared about the responsibility and big changes to my life. Been a bachelor all my life, focused on school and work. I love this gal but can't be sure I can handle the pressure on top of my rigorous work schedule, family, etc. Anyone made the jump? Wow...you have succinctly proved that having a penis doesn't make one a man. She was good enough to f_ck, good enough to "whisper about tomorrow" but when tomorrow actually comes...you bail? What a d!ck move. Stop being such a punk and man up. Actually, just bail, those kids need a male role model.
LoveTKO Posted November 26, 2011 Posted November 26, 2011 It wasn't me who killed it. She's a single gal now and looking for a commitment, be it with me or another guy. Can't say I blame her. She has mouths to feed there. The husband was no saint but he provide for them but in the end she wanted more from her life. She has mouths to feed? So she wants to settle down with you as a means of providing for her kids and herself? If you really love her and are convinced that she's the one, then by all means, give it a go. The WS/MW I'm seeing has a great job and has money. Her husband decided to opt for early retirement. We're more like really good friends with awesome benefits and I have dissuaded her from filing for divorce. It makes no sense to divide up assets, 401K savings, and the house because of her need for passion.
in_absentia Posted November 27, 2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Why bother? If you're seeing someone for a couple of years where great chemistry, passion, and good dialogue are the highlights, why kill all that with cohabitation and having to look at your partners dirty underwear or tolerate incessant snoring? Cos when you love someone, the feeling of knowing you're coming home to each other at the end of every day is overwhelmingly fantastic. None of the gross things that come with cohabitation (snoring, morning breath, blocking up the toilet, washing each other's dirty underwear) feel gross with the right person, because being together is so amazing and you don't have to keep counting down the days until you're next date because you share a bed, fridge, washing machine, mailbox and so forth. I looked to cohabit with my last bf and he was still dragging his feet after 3 years, we split up. With my current relationship we moved in after three months, it just happened so naturally because it didn't occur to us to spend a night apart. So I'm pretty high on the cohabiting cloud right now
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Boy are you judgmental, cynical and just off base. Me and this gal have a bit of history going on. Neither of us ever cheated on the other, let's just say. Of course not, because you haven't been committed to each other for a lengthy period of time. If you end up with her, and you are the only guy she has sex with for too long, she WILL get the itch. She will get bored. Cheaters always do. And if I'm of base, you wouldn't be here wondering if you will be able to handle the committed life. You have been a bachelor all your life and don't know about being taken off the market. You said this yourself. If I'm off base, you wouldn't be here with your doubts. If I am off base, you'd be certain that everything will come up roses if you end up with this cheater, and are no longer a bachelor. If you are looking for an answer that fits your desires, then don't ask the question. Just assume it will be great and take the plunge.
Author PUREHEARTOM Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Of course not, because you haven't been committed to each other for a lengthy period of time. If you end up with her, and you are the only guy she has sex with for too long, she WILL get the itch. She will get bored. Cheaters always do. And if I'm of base, you wouldn't be here wondering if you will be able to handle the committed life. You have been a bachelor all your life and don't know about being taken off the market. You said this yourself. If I'm off base, you wouldn't be here with your doubts. If I am off base, you'd be certain that everything will come up roses if you end up with this cheater, and are no longer a bachelor. If you are looking for an answer that fits your desires, then don't ask the question. Just assume it will be great and take the plunge. I am as much of a cheater as she is. We have always been faithful to each other though. And honest. You are off base and I have great sympathy for someone with your closed mind and heart. I am here looking for people with similar experiences to share, not judgmental and cynical broken hearted people who can't see beyond their own misery. Good luck climbing out of that deep hole of dispair. There is life and light up here on the surface friend, if you allow yourself the ability to see it.
nofool4u Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I am as much of a cheater as she is. We have always been faithful to each other though. And honest. You are off base and I have great sympathy for someone with your closed mind and heart. Uh, what is there to be "open minded" with regards to betrayal? I am here looking for people with similar experiences to share, not judgmental and cynical broken hearted people who can't see beyond their own misery. Look, you asked about people ending up with someone who has committed adultery. There are those that are successful, and those that are not for obvious reasons. I gave you the latter scenario. If all you want to hear is the former, why ask the question? Just assume its all going to be roses and not worry about opinions if you are looking for one that fits your desires. Good luck climbing out of that deep hole of dispair. There is life and light up here on the surface friend, if you allow yourself the ability to see it. No despair here. Despair would have been staying with someone like your MW or being in a situation where I would have to deal with my X and someone like you. Buts thats beside the point. You are as much of a cheater, and she is a cheater too. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. Not always, but most of the time IMO. And yes, there is light and life out there. I know this all too well. And I'm not going to bed down someone elses wife to live it. I respect myself more than that.
Author PUREHEARTOM Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 And yes, there is light and life out there. I know this all too well. And I'm not going to bed down someone elses wife to live it. I respect myself more than that. Well, my lady friend is not 'someone else's wife' anymore. She is a free woman who made a choice to bring more happiness into her life after a fair bit of sadness and pain. Some couples are just not meant to be together. It appears you are unable to comprehend that reality and instead would prefer a head in the sand approach to incompatibility. Such is your choice.
nofool4u Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Well, my lady friend is not 'someone else's wife' anymore. She is a free woman who made a choice to bring more happiness into her life after a fair bit of sadness and pain. Some couples are just not meant to be together. It appears you are unable to comprehend that reality and instead would prefer a head in the sand approach to incompatibility. Such is your choice. Well seeing as how I did the same as her and divorced my wife, your insinuation that I can't comprehend reality doesn't hold water. I, like her, divorced because we weren't meant to be. Someone like me isn't meant to be with someone void of scruples.
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