How do you deal with a strong-willed teen?

[pandabear99]

My 14 year old daughter decided to be a vegetatarian at age 10, and she hasn't had meat since - she is very stron-willed. She has gone from being in advanced classes to barely passing 8th grade. She lies to me constantly, but says she never lies to her friends. She's already had sex, has runaway, has skipped classes. Because of her actions, she's lost her cell phone, computer time, and until recently, she couldn't spend the night with friends. Two nights ago, because she seemed to be doing better, I let her stay with a friend. She called me asking to go to 'teen night' at a local club. I told her no. I had a funny feeling so I called the mom where my daughter was and sure enough, my daughter told her that I said I didn't care and she could go.

I went to the club and pulled her out - and did my best to embarass her

I have tried everything I know - counseling, punishing, talking, crying, begging, yelling... I feel like there's nothing else I have to give her.

So last night I asked her why she lied and went to the club and she told me it's part of her life plan. Surprisingly she told me that her plan is to not miss out on teenage stuff by doing it all now because when she goes to High School, she wants to focus just on school. WHAT???? I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I asked her if the few hours at that club were worth not spending time with friends or doing anything after school for a long while and she thought for a minute and said yes, because she wanted to have fun now because she won't be doing that next year.

I asked her if she didn't care how her actions were affecting others and she just asked how - she thinks it's my problem if I'm upset about what she does. The only one she's concerned with is her younger brother and she said she asked him if he's ok with her and he said yes. She truely doesn't care about any rules/boundaries I or her dad have.

There's nothing more to take away from her. My brain is so stressed and frazzled that I can't think straight. We're going to her counselor next week, but I want to keep talking to her about this since she opened up.

 

I'm asking for suggestions of what to say to her to make her realize that this plan of hers is not the smartest idea? Her dad and I are to the point of looking for a facility for troubled teens to send her to. She really doesn't think that what she's doing is wrong and I really don't think she cares about anyone but herself and her brother.

 

Help???

[TwinkletOes26]

you say shes always been like this? Usually being striong willed is about control. You are in a battle of wills with your teen...trust it may not seem like it now BUT when she gets older you dont have to worry bc studies show strong willed children are less likely to succumb to peer pressure. Now as far as her loosing her v at 14 I would suggesr bc and teach about proper condomuse.

 

I think younright to punish her for disobeying you but maybe you should spend time explain WHY you said no. Yes i know someone will come in and state your boss doesnt give you reasoning behind the rules at work but at work if you dont like the rules or boss you can leave. A child cant leave their parent cos they dont like their rules. Besides explaining helps them to develop logic and reasoning skills when you are not around.

 

I also will say this at the end of the day you can guide your kids and teach them ....heck in some cases beat them but they are going to be who they are. Some "teen/child" traits stay whether you like it or not. My mother use to hate that I am a social person and when I was single was flirty...she tried tp "beat" it out of me bc she thought it would lead to being the town slore. Did it work...NO im still social and my flirtiness landed me my now great bf. So I mean all you can do is guide her...also unless shes done something criminal sending her to a troubled teen center does more harm than good. When people come out they resent their parents and they come back having learned better way to decieve parents.

[RiverRunning]

Do you know any peers of hers - 14 to 20 or so - who have lived a straight-laced life and might be able to teach her about how life is about moderation? She will still have fun in high school. Remind her that reputations are not fluid. Her classmates will remember her as a girl who has slept with others, who goes clubbing, etc., and it's not easily shaken when you suddenly decide to be taken seriously by your peers. There are people whose entire careers have been ruined by one bad act - there are tons of examples in the media to sample from. She may tune you out and not listen, but at least you are planting a seed.

 

Ask her if she would want her brother doing what she is doing now. If she would like to see him have sex at such a young age, if she would like to see him go clubbing or not care about his school work, etc. If that's not what she would want for him - why would she want it for herself? Ask her what advice she would give to a friend or family member who's doing what she's doing now.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm not a parent, but I've been that kid to a degree and I was an extremely strong-willed person and because I was pretty smart at the same time I thought I knew what was best for me...ahead of my time so no one could tell me what to do because I had it all figured it out and the more you tried to suppress me the more I resisted, the more defying I would become.

 

I see in your daughter a smart, strong-willed, bold person which will likely serve her well in the future however combined with a overwhelming level of immaturity, inexperience and lack of wisdom she's going to get in way over her head and that's where you have to come in.

 

You have to realize that she's bold and ahead the game, so your parenting tactics have to step up to that, I think any of the normal attempts are only going to backfire and cause more problems for you. Because she probably sees herself as an mature and independent person that is entitled to her own world, you're going to have to play a long and treat her a little differently than normal.

 

Give her a taste of maturity...she wants to have sex? ok, take her down to planned parenthood or find some teen moms, have her sit down there and become educated, find young women to explain their stories to her and give her a real sense of what she is playing with, and this whole thing about "love". Show her pictures of all the STD's that can be contracted, and if you can contact hospitals or find resources, for example my ex gf was a pediatrician and worked with young teens and kids and she would talk to teens about these things all the time, so I'm not sure where you can find information like that but it would be very wise to research it and educate your daughter so she can see with her own eyes, hear it from other women that are educated or experienced that she wont dismiss and disregard, as a kid she thinks feels you're trying to tell her what to do and control her life.

 

The worst thing you can do is alienate your daughter for her behavior in my opinion, you may need to switch gears and take on a whole different attitude and behavior with your time. Solidify the communication and trust between you and your husband and her, teens want to talk, they want to share how they feel but they want to be heard and respected as individuals as well not treated as immature people who's opinions do not count. However wrong she may be she still feels what she feels and that has to be respected, she is going to be wrong a lot but its not going to be enough to just tell her that shes wrong, educate her, give her a healthy platform she can vent out of this boldness and fire she seems to have into something productive, get her involved in something she really loves to do possibly, help her be creative, help her express how she feels so she is less likely to seek out other ways of doing thing.

 

As for boys, all young teens wrongly seem to look for love and acceptance from men when they have a strong level of insecurity, or feel like they lack love from their parents. Be careful of this, as this can be a lifelong situation for her, even the strongest women can be insecure in love...find out the situations at home that may be affecting her, help her build a stronger relationship with her dad, do things together, change her environment, educate her, show her the different path and if you have to you may very well need to move her to a place where she start over and is away from influences from possibly bad friends and a lifestyle she is going to later regret.

[TwinkletOes26]

"Give her a taste of maturity...she wants to have sex? ok, take her down to planned parenthood or find some teen moms, have her sit down there and become educated, find young women to explain their stories to her and give her a real sense of what she is playing with, and this whole thing about "love". Show her pictures of all the STD's that can be contracted, and if you can contact hospitals or find resources, for example my ex gf was a pediatrician and worked with young teens and kids and she would talk to teens about these things all the time, so I'm not sure where you can find information like that but it would be very wise to research it and educate your daughter so she can see with her own eyes, hear it from other women that are educated or experienced that she wont dismiss and disregard, as a kid she thinks feels you're trying to tell her what to do and control her life."

 

 

I dont like this idea simply because you can wait until you are 18 or married to have sex withs someone and STILL get an STD. Married women have gotten AIDS from their husbands. I just dont like the whole scare kids straight into not having sex.

 

Why not teach her about proper condom use,birth control,and WHY you feel the way you do. I dont know whether the OPs daughter is saying and doing these things to feel in control of SOMETHING.

 

When you are a teen your every move and action is controlled and priviledges we take for granted can be taken away at any time for whatever infraction the parent deems worthy of such action

I get the feeling that part of the issue is "its my body you cant tell me what to do with my own body i can control when I start to have sex"in other words i dont think this is about sex as much as it is about control.

 

On a side note not every teen who looses their virginity is all scarred and emotionally broken. In fact when i was in school girl lost her virginity to a boy who decided to "hit it and quit it" well she didnt die...she was hurt so hurt that she slashed the tires in the car his parents bought him. She learned a lesson there are some guys who are just looking for sex. She is now married with a career and children. So can we please stop acting like teens are so fragile they will all fall apart. Not all teens are the same.

[HokeyReligions]

I'm glad you are getting some family counseling. I hope that it is helpful.

 

One line stood out to me in your post "There's nothing more to take away from her. "

 

Reverse that - what is there that you can GIVE her to help her?

 

You say you talk with her, but How are you hearing her? It's tough - especially at 14! But does she know you are really listening to her and trying to understand her needs and feelings with an open mind?

 

Sometimes parents listen to their kids, but what they hear are things that don't fit into the agenda the parent has in mind for the child. Parents sometimes have a tendency to hear a sentence and in their mind immediately try to think of how to 'fix' what the teen is saying to fit into the parents agenda.

 

Those mid-teen years are tough tough tough. Keep communicating and remember - she will grow up and out of this and hopefully into a mature and productive person - she learns more by Example from her parents than by their words (although surprisingly, many teens do remember the words their parents tell them -- over and over and over!

 

When I was around 13 or 14 I had saved some money and bought a set of knitting needles at an expensive store. I was shopping with a friend whose family had more money than mine, but I was really into knitting and I wanted them. It was OK with my mom - she knew I liked knitting and wanted me to not be embarassed by our financial situation.

 

A few days later I was being a typical bratty teen and my mom snapped and she also snapped my new knitting needles in two. It was a bad night for both of us.

 

The next day my mother did something she had never done before and when she did it - it changed me and I began maturing. I'm well into my 50's now so this was a long time ago and my mom has since passed on - but this is still fresh in my mind. It was one of those before-and-after events.

Anyway, the next day my mother apologized to me for breaking my knitting needles! MY MOTHER APOLOGIZED TO ME!!! We couldn't afford another pair of the expensive needles, but we went up to K-mart and bought me a cheaper set - I still have and use them. It may sound silly but it for me, it remains quite profound.

[turnera]

The two most important things to do, since she's a thinker, is give her all the facts and set up inpenetrable rules and consequences.

 

Give her facts by taking her to the doctor for birth control, but also take her to homeless shelters to see what life is like if you drop out of school; to a cancer ward to see what life is like if you smoke; to a juvenile detention center to see what life is like if you get rounded up at a drug bust or rave. Give her good AND bad facts. She's going to make her own decisions, so let her see it all beforehand what she has to look forward to.

 

The rules and consequences have to be ironclad and agreed to by the whole family and spelled out to her. If she gets pulled over for drunk driving, you will NOT be bailing her out of jail. If she gets rounded up in a drug bust, you will NOT be bailing her out of jail, and you will let the judge sentence her to a detention center. All her choice to engage in the activities or not. If she skips school, you will be accompanying her to school every day for a month. If she cheats on a test, you will recommend to the principal that they flunk her and make her retake that grade. Think out every scenario and come up with a strong, hard consequence and then let her decide if she still wants to break the rule.

 

The key here is to NOT be emotional at all. Explain that you love her but your job is to raise a responsible adult and, as such, you will not be catering to the whims of a child. And, of course, you have to back this up.

[2sure]

My daughter is almost 16 and a handful. She is a good person, but strong willed. Like me I guess. Its almost easier to give in than fight. Almost.

 

When her grades started slipping, I took away her technology. In fact, I took away everything but her coat it seems. Didnt work well enough.

 

When she started being deceptive and spending time with kids who got in trouble, I grounded her. Which punished me more than her.

 

The counseling sessions turned into basically her complaining about the many valid issues in her life, but not doing anything about them or coming to terms with them.

 

But Now:

 

She misses out on many of things some of her friends do. She rarely goes out at night, doesnt have much free time on weekends.

 

When she became a vegetarian several years ago, I didnt mind. I thought she was just trying it on. But then when she continued and was exploring the reasons she did not want to eat meat...I ran with it.

 

She and I became involved in several organizations that fight for the humane treatment of animals - even those we eat.

 

Now, dont get me wrong. It isnt something I would have chosen to do with my time on my own. But Im glad I did. I had to find something that Interested HER. Something she could be passionate about. Protesting is a great way to vent rebellion. The volunteer work she does is fulfilling...gets her out of her comfort zone. Has made her a better citizen, an empathetic speaker, it takes a lot of time. Now, she organizes a group herself, has been in the paper, etc. Thing is...this is all a Privilege. I will not help her or drive her unless her grades are up to par.

 

Nothing like being the soul behind a protest and knowing you cant be there unless you score well on Chemistry.

 

She is still strong willed. I have to switch up my schedule to help her. We fight. God, I love this girl.

[Eve]

It is highly probable that she really does not care about anyone but herself and brother.

 

If you have hit the technology and that has failed and she is focused on doing what she wants, the only thing to do is to focus on enjoying your life. This is the conclusion I came to when my daughter was kicking off.

 

Just keep telling her the right things but try and talk to her rather than at her. The more she sees you shocked, the worse this will be for you. H'mmm.. the counselling will be good for you both in terms of framing more adult dialogue between you both.

 

Just know that if you have put in good levels of nurturing when she was younger, she will come back to you. You have to believe in her now even though she is not being responsible at the mo. Chances are she will be trying to be a good friend above her own welfare right now.

 

See this as a transition.

 

I concluded that my daughter was looking for love young and this is why she was essentially, bad. I know that probably does not make sense but she found what she was looking for and could in fact probably run a small Country if given the chance. H'mmm.. the expression of creativity is a funny thing to watch develop.

 

Please don't give up on her and send her away, even though she sounds like she is going through an obnoxious stage.

 

All kids like messing their mums about. Help her to focus on her safety. Model how to be a resourceful woman and she will follow... eventually.

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve x

[lavendera]

I agree with Ninja. Show her what could happen if she continues, which she probably will, but if she walks in with open eyes, there's less chance that she can get hurt.

 

I also think that if you found an issue together. My daughter and I found that advocating for Human Sex Trafficking was something that has brought a passion out in both of us. Something CAN be done and it's very real. When you said your daughter has run away from home, that is a scary thing. It's these young girls that leave home or think they are so miserable that are susceptible to the pimps that turn them into underage prostitutes. If nothing else, have your daughter do some reading and become aware of what could happen to her. It is very scary and real and so many people don't understand how easy it is to lose our girls to these monsters.

 

Above all, keep doing what you're doing. She may fight you like hell, but she knows you care and you love her. She does sound smart. Teens DO grow up. It won't last forever, as long as you can keep her safe. Good luck to you Panda.