thatone Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 so i'm in NOLA for thanksgiving and my nephew's wedding, not really planning on doing any opposite sex socialization. got into town last thursday and the wedding was on friday. seeing as i wasn't planning on fishing for phone numbers at the wedding i volunteered to look after my nephew's friends from out of town (and around bourbon street, drunken tourists need looking after, trust me). anyways, we had a pretty damn good time. got plastered at the wedding, then closed a bar in limos, and wound up getting in around 5 am. when i get up the next day my dad tells me this tall blonde nurse he remembered from his last hospital stay runs up and plops herself down in his lap at the wedding and jokes about being his future daughter in law, after talking to me outside in the courtyard at the wedding venue. she left her number with my sister for me. i called her the day after, told her we had a long night and i was planning on just resting up and curing the hangover all day saturday, she says she's off work til thursday, so we plan to meet up on sunday. we go ahead with the sunday date, typical dinner and drinks after, conversation goes without lull for a good 6 hours, we wind up kissing and all over each other as we're leaving, and plan to get back together all day as of the next morning. next morning rolls around i text her about getting breakfast, we head back downtown, eat at a diner i had been to before. specifically, one i went to when i broke up with my ex a few months back, the waitresses remembered me, i was drinking scotch at about 8 am and giving them the whole story back then after the ex and i split up. they were asking if that was her, we joked about it, i told them "no i caught another one", after which she laughs and all of a sudden is all over me again. hugging and kissing that proceeds all up and down the riverwalk area for a good few hours. we wind up at a bar in the same neighborhood that afternoon on the balcony, again lots of good conversation and holding hands/kissing the entire time. i figured we should do some sort of activity when the conversation did start to wane, so suggest a movie, she agrees. we walked over to canal place theater and saw rum diary (which was awful, btw). the bad movie kinda wore us both out and took the wind out of our sails so we decided to have a couple more drinks and call it a night. head to pat o'briens, talk for awhile on the patio, i bring her home. just about the time i'm about to make the obvious suggestion she mentions that she has to head to her parents' house the next day to help them with some stuff around their farm, and asks if i want to go. so i figure what the hell, no biggie to wait one more day, plus she's inviting to meet the parents that soon so i'm still golden. i agree and we plan on meeting early in the AM again. we go to the parents farm, and that's obviously not gonna be as romantic a 'date' as downtown NOLA. more like picking turnips and riding around on a tractor all day. that's fine, i don't complain, i help them with all of the stuff they're working on, meet the mom and dad and a niece, and get along with everyone. the parents ask me questions about things i had told her, so obviously she's already been talking to them about me. weather turns bad so we head back to her place, she says she has to cook for the people she works with for thanksgiving, i offer to stay and help, she agrees. we head out for groceries, she picks up her list, i buy our liquor of choice while she's getting her onions and garlic and what not. we get back and she's chopping up her veggies while we sit on the back porch, drinking and generally having a good time. score? not so fast. two female neighbors come by. apparently the daughter of one had a miscarriage and they're all upset. i offer to leave, fairly pissed at missing out on getting laid that day but offering to be the gent. they say no, we just need to talk awhile we're gonna go across the street, she'll be back in a bit. ok fine, i'm still in the clear here. they take off, and looking to score some points to seal the deal i finish the cooking she started, package the food up, clean the kitchen, shower, wash my dirty farm-spoiled clothes, etc. she comes back with one of the neighbors and they have a 5 minute conversation then the neighbor leaves. i get a passing comment about "thanks for finishing up in the kitchen" and i respond with "thanks for the last couple of days, i was expecting to be bored down here but i've had a really good time". don't even get a smile. she goes into full blown accusation mode... i didn't take her to ONE bar she asked me if i had been to on the second date (i took her to four total, and asked after every one if she had a place she preferred, she never did)her lighter got wet while washing veggies we picked at the farm, i didn't light her cigarette for her, i only offered her my lighteri was tossing veggies on to the palette on the front of the tractor rather than walking them to the tractor (no sh*t? it's faster)i'm a terrible person for thinking i'm better than everyone else and looking down on other people (right after she tells me that she notices how i can strike up conversation with random people and seemed so personable with everyone we met the day before)how her ex did all of those things better (ding ding ding!) me: "and how long was it that you broke up with that ex?" her: "two weeks" then comes the sobbing speech about how he left in the middle of the night and didn't even call, she came home from work to find his stuff gone. lesson: as i pointed out in another thread a couple of weeks back, do not EVER give a single woman the benefit of the doubt. should've taken my own advice .
Emilia Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I think it was moving too quickly and you didn't have the chance to get to know her better before getting this involved. If there had been some colder days between your passionate ones you would have seen through her quicker. It also works both ways, it was probably going too fast for her too. I'm sorry you didn't get laid, that would have pissed me off too after all that focus on one person.
Author thatone Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 well there was a legitimate reason for the quick pace, that was discussed on that first date. i did tell her on the first date that i would be heading home after thanksgiving weekend, but she knew from talking to my dad that i'm in the process of moving back to the NOLA area and spend quite a bit of time down here in the meantime. so the pace wasn't necessarily a bad thing, especially since she knows my family already.
Emilia Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I understand but I think it's always a bad thing if you don't get the chance to cool down from time to time. The only way to screen people out is by observing them with a cool head - but you know that. 1
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 well there was a legitimate reason for the quick pace, that was discussed on that first date. i did tell her on the first date that i would be heading home after thanksgiving weekend, but she knew from talking to my dad that i'm in the process of moving back to the NOLA area and spend quite a bit of time down here in the meantime. so the pace wasn't necessarily a bad thing, especially since she knows my family already. Yea, I'd consider dropping my guard for someone who came with references Glad to see you back on that horse though! I'd like to think that little trip up north helped! Also glad to hear the moving plans are going ahead full steam. ugh... sorry to hear about the last minute drama though.
Author thatone Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 Yea, I'd consider dropping my guard for someone who came with references Glad to see you back on that horse though! I'd like to think that little trip up north helped! Also glad to hear the moving plans are going ahead full steam. ugh... sorry to hear about the last minute drama though. indeed the trip up north did help! i actually pointed that out in that last conversation. i didn't fly off the handle at her, as you know i'm the calm collected type, not the aggressive type . i told her she needed to be alone, and that texting/calling the ex but just not seeing him was not gonna count, and pointed out that after a month of doing so and taking a trip to visit a friend of mine that got me over the hump with my last one, so suggested she do the same. I understand but I think it's always a bad thing if you don't get the chance to cool down from time to time. The only way to screen people out is by observing them with a cool head - but you know that. to which i would respond...the only thing that waiting to create sexual attachment provides is more time for a random ex's phone calls to get returned.
Emilia Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Yea, I'd consider dropping my guard for someone who came with references No. I think the only people that know what someone is really like are those that dated them. I know my sister very well, I love her unconditionally but I have very little understanding of what her quirks are as someone's girlfriend. 'Oh she is a decent lass, hard working an' all, give her a crack' means nothing.
Emilia Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 to which i would respond...the only thing that waiting to create sexual attachment provides is more time for a random ex's phone calls to get returned. .. and that would have saved you a lot of upset by the sound of it
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 No. I think the only people that know what someone is really like are those that dated them. I know my sister very well, I love her unconditionally but I have very little understanding of what her quirks are as someone's girlfriend. 'Oh she is a decent lass, hard working an' all, give her a crack' means nothing. ah Emilia! Always the voice of wisdom... you know what... you are absolutely correct too. As I was posting this... I'm thinking of two examples. I remember a guy that one of my good friends suggested. Things moved a bit faster than I normally would go along with. Turned out he was very insecure and ridiculously jealous. When I stopped seeing him, he made up all kinds of crap and tried to trash me to other people. Didn't work, but it opened up my eyes a bit. Then there is my ex-BF. I found out about a month after getting to know him and starting to feel like there was potential... that he used to date a good friend of mine (a friend I'd lost touch with... she moved out of state). She gave me all kinds of horror stories about him. It is a good thing I also knew her fairly well, and kind of took the advice on balance with my own feelings about his behavior. Turns out, we ended up dated for over a year. And while it didn't work out, we are still very good friends. Were some of her warnings 'accurate'? Maybe a little... but I think their dynamic was 100% different than ours, so can't really be compared. So... LESSON. Always make up your own mind!!
Author thatone Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 (edited) .. and that would have saved you a lot of upset by the sound of it well that was also part of the quick pace. we discussed our pasts and expectations on future relationships early as well. turns out she doesn't want kids, is divorced for a few years and isn't looking to get remarried, and just wanted a relationship for the purposes of someone to hang out with and do stuff with on her off time. which is exactly what i'm in the market for as well. i'm basically looking for a travel partner and someone to spend time with that isn't hung up on a white dress and a baby. we agreed on wanting the same thing from day one, that by nature entails a more casual relationship, albeit an exclusive one. so we went into that quick pace with open eyes (at least i did), i didn't see it as a problem in this case. Edited November 23, 2011 by thatone
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 indeed the trip up north did help! i actually pointed that out in that last conversation. i didn't fly off the handle at her, as you know i'm the calm collected type, not the aggressive type . i told her she needed to be alone, and that texting/calling the ex but just not seeing him was not gonna count, and pointed out that after a month of doing so and taking a trip to visit a friend of mine that got me over the hump with my last one, so suggested she do the same. Glad to help! The only thing I need to know... is her hair more excruciatingly beautiful than mine?? A girl has her pride ya know... Friend or not! On second thought... don't answer... I'm still kind of reveling in that one! or just say yea, yours is the best TAL... I'm ok with little white lies that feed my ego
Author thatone Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 hahahah yes yours is more excruciatingly beautiful. she shaved her head a few months back for a cancer charity and hers was just beginning to grow back out. since her hair is kind of thin it really needed to be longer, short hair doesn't work for her.
Emilia Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 well that was also part of the quick pace. we discussed our pasts and expectations on future relationships early as well. turns out she doesn't want kids, is divorced for a few years and isn't looking to get remarried, and just wanted a relationship for the purposes of someone to hang out with and do stuff with on her off time. which is exactly what i'm in the market for as well. i'm basically looking for a travel partner and someone to spend time with that isn't hung up on a white dress and a baby. we agreed on wanting the same thing from day one, that by nature entails a more casual relationship, albeit an exclusive one. so we went into that quick pace with open eyes (at least i did), i didn't see it as a problem in this case. I get that, it isn't that far from what I'm looking for You want someone you can do interesting stuff with, you don't want the stifling domesticity, etc but I don't think that makes it any more casual because I think you still want emotional attachment and commitment. For that you have to find the right person still, not wanting marriage doesn't make it that much simpler I really don't think (speaking from personal experience) Besides, what people say and what they really want are two different things very often.
Author thatone Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 Besides, what people say and what they really want are two different things very often. indeed they are, that we agree on. after all, no one would say that they want their scumbag ex to move back in despite pulling a disappearing act two weeks ago. note that i don't think i've lost a relationship here, i'm not sobbing over losing my soul mate. just pointing out that the pace had justification that could be rationalized and putting off getting laid by even one day was a mistake. that's my only point .
Author thatone Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 update! even though the last conversation was cordial for the most part she did piss me off with the crap about the ex. as those who have followed any of my posts about my last ex know, i'm just off of being compared to a dead fiance, so i didn't appreciate being compared to a guy who walked out on both the nurse and his ex wife and kids . i told her as much, in as polite a way as possible, went and left my thoughts in a letter on her car before i went to bed last night. she called this morning in tears and apologies, saying how much she appreciated it and that i was right. we had a pretty good talk and actually discovered a lot more differences we have than similarities. lack of desire for kids and marriage was about the only thing we had in common. so all is well in the world again. no harm, no foul. if there were still attraction i think i would've refused the dreaded 'friend zone' but since we did actually have very little in common and probably wouldn't have worked out anyway, i figure it'll probably be fine. we pretty much agreed that it wasn't wasted time and we had fun albeit for a short period of time. so that's that.
dasein Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Bullet dodged. The list of complaints she brought up to a relative stranger who had been polite and interesting company was beyond rude, and that level of familiarity and evaluation so fast suggests some very heavy baggage.
Author thatone Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 (edited) yeah, that's exactly what i told her, when she pitched the 'stay friends' thing i told her if that was sincere i'd be all for it since i enjoyed the few days together but if she expected me to be the good guy to hang around with while she's waiting on the deadbeat to move back in, the answer was no. friends don't justify and assist friends in maintaining abusive relationships. she said she agreed and was going to take some time to get over him. she seemed appreciative of the honesty, and honestly apologetic about the way she treated me yesterday, so i'm content with how it turned out. Edited November 23, 2011 by thatone
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