Author Appleanche Posted November 28, 2011 Author Posted November 28, 2011 Look forward to it May I ask how long you've been seeing your therapist and for what reason? Anxiety about my relationship, for the most part. I have it but I don't really know why. I worry a lot about it, like I am waiting for him to break up with me at any moment. I know that's not logical but that really doesn't seem to matter. I feel like I am more invested in 'us' than he is... I think about 'us' more, I put 'us' and him first whereas he doesn't give the same consideration. I try to assess his behavior logically and I know it's nothing that he is doing "wrong" per say, just different than I would want. He is really independent and busy with his life and it leaves me feeling kind-of needy, not that I express that to him because I don't. We don't live in the same town so we aren't together all the time, and it's hard on me... it's hard to live my life so happy when we are together and so alone when we are apart. It's like I'm living 2 different lives. He talks about marriage, says he wants our relationship to progress further, but I always end up wondering just how that would work. I feel like he needs his space - he's seems to just be that kind of guy. I feel I am crowding him after we've spent a number of days together, and although when asked he tells me I am not, it still seems like that to me. And then there's the porn. I just don't know. I can't imagine life without him because I am happy with him on many levels, but like any relationship, there are a few kinks. Porn use is obviously a major problem for you and yet you've stated how happy and committed to this porn addict you are nonetheless. I'd like to know what your therapist thinks of this juxtaposition. I haven't discussed this in much detail as of yet, but I intend to.
love4me2c Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Everytime you think about his porn usage, repeat in your head or say out loud "It doesn't matter." three times. You can do this interval enough times to get it to stop. These are affirmations that we can drill into our subconcious. It does work. Let me know how it goes.
aj22one Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I think so much of the problem with porn on this site (and in society in general) is that everyone wants to be convinced that their view of porn is the right view and the only right view. For some people, porn is an effective tool to use when not sexually active (or when their partner is away). For others, porn is a healthy way of exploring different fantasies or curiosities, with or without a partner present while watching. And then there are those who cannot tolerate or accept porn use from someone they are dating or married to. Here's some news for everyone: nobody's approach or view of porn is more right or more wrong than anyone else's. If you like porn, then watch, you'll be compatible with someone who enjoys porn or who doesn't mind. If you hate porn, that's great too, you will be compatible with someone who doesn't watch porn. A non-porn watcher is no better than a porn watcher (and vice versa) based that fact alone. Instead of worrying about whether porn is bad or good, just do you, and let everyone else do them.
Eclypse Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I'm off the opinion that porn is alright as long as it doesn't interfere with your relationship. I think that's fairly reasonable. If your sex life is healthy then you should not have anything to worry about. But if he can't get it up because he watched porn earlier that's just disrespectful. Your woman is always > porn. But take me for example. We can only see each other once a week usually. So when Tuesday night comes along and I get mega horny my options are either porn or blue balls. And you got no idea how fun the latter is... My gf says she's ok with me watching it as long as I don't make her watch and I can maintain our sex life. It's easy enough. I never watch porn in the day or 2 before I see her so when I do see her I usually jump her as soon as she opens the door What needs to be remembered is usually the man doesn't care about any of the porn girls. I can't even remember any of their faces. What does matter is the woman in my life who I absolutely adore (but seldom get to see).
Disenchantedly Yours Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Queen Zenobia;3747765]I honestly don't think I've interacted with you all that much on this topic (~5 posts perhaps?). It's been enough for me to see a pattern in your response Queen. Not that I don't have my own patterns. I clearly do. Your disagreement with me on the issue doesn't bother me. It's the false projects of thoughts and ideas that get applied that are bothersome. It's not so much that I want to turn everything people do into "peaches and cream" but rather I want to make sure you realize that your morality is subjective, not objective. You have a problem with porn, so to you men are better than porn. Surely there are people who agree with you, but that hardly makes your opinions on the matter Gospel. Same goes with my views on the issue. Morality in general is a combination of the subjective and the objective. My opinion on the subject is a combination of the two as well. They are after all opinions and not universal morality (although some morals are universal), and so people should do as they please without having to worry about what they're doing is "wrong" according to you or anyone else (obviously while respecting the universal rights to life, liberty and property however). Your words are really no different than me saying "Americans are better than voting for Obama", do you not see the problem with that kind of statement? LOL, I am not a fan of Obama as a President. I really don't get your issue. You claim you understand that we both are allowed to our opinion yet you give me these speaches about how our opinions are all suppose to be equal and full of rainbows and kittens. Or that I somehow think my opinon is "Gospel". You don't agree with me, that's fine. I have no issue with this. Pray continue to share your opinon on the subject and disagree your heart away. But don't act like I'm not allowed to share my opinion on the matter while you are. Again, not saying you are wrong (or that you are right), but I prefer to live by those immortal words from the Diff'rent Stokes theme song: "what might be right for you, might not be right for some". So be careful with wide-sweeping comments. Please, continue to live your life how you see is best. And I will do the same for myself. Although I have seen you make enough comments throughout this board to know that you don't always live by, "what might be right for you, might not be right for some".
Disenchantedly Yours Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Wow. Patronize much? You make it sound like a guy can't watch porn and "really care about focusing on their partners". I don't know DY, it doesn't seem like you're going to convince anyone that watching porn is bad or that a guy who watches porn doesn't care about his partner. Besides, couldn't you say the same thing about women too? Absolutely, women do their own things that distract from their relationships. As far as porn goes, I am looking at this from a logical perspective. Porn is about a variety of women visually oriented to simulate men. A man can pretty much see any fetish or sexual act he desires. When a man makes porn a daily part of his life do you think porn helps him to focus on his partner or do you think porn distracts his focus off his partner, at least part of the time, and real life and refocuses it on a visual media that offers a multitude of different women he can spread his attention to? Further, how many men do you think that while getting intimate with their partner pull up visual cards they tucked away in their brain and have a flash of another woman, sometimes from porn..or sexual acts they've seen from porn. Most men know what I am talking about because men have a visual bank of women tucked into their head. The more women, the wider the visual bank. So tell me how a man that splits his attention between so many visual options is helping to place focus on his own partner?
aj22one Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 DY, I think it's the hint of condescension in some of your posts that people on here take issue with (I'm supposing QZ being one of them). No one likes being told what's good for them or what they're better than. It kinda comes off like a father giving a lecture.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Oh, that's a lovely attitude! Porn turns men into monsters! What turns women into monsters? Romance novels and Desperate Housewives? Well I didn't say porn turned men into monsters. But very realistically I think porn has changed the way men react to sex and women and many men would agree with me. I have also seen the change in my own dating and sexual experiences from when I was younger to know and how much more pornified men seem to expect sex to be.
Oxy Moronovich Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Well I didn't say porn turned men into monsters. But very realistically I think porn has changed the way men react to sex and women and many men would agree with me. I have also seen the change in my own dating and sexual experiences from when I was younger to know and how much more pornified men seem to expect sex to be. Modern television and films that reward women for bad behavior have also changed the way women react to sex and relationships.
Author Appleanche Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Everytime you think about his porn usage, repeat in your head or say out loud "It doesn't matter." three times. You can do this interval enough times to get it to stop. These are affirmations that we can drill into our subconcious. It does work. Let me know how it goes. Hmm, interesting. I do a fair amount of self-talk like the above anyhow, trying to reassure myself that it's "not me" or "it's not big deal; stop stressing about it" etc. I'll have to try it on a consistent basis to see if that helps. Worth a shot.
Author Appleanche Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 I never watch porn in the day or 2 before I see her so when I do see her I usually jump her as soon as she opens the door Well if I could get that from him then I'd feel like he does actually value our sex life over his porn. There have been nights when he had said he would hold off (because I was coming the next evening) and he jacked-off anyway. He said he couldn't resist. We did have sex that night and I believe he did cum, but it doesn't always work out that way. Just think how much better it could have been if he was really hot and bothered for me because he had held off... it's just disappointing.
Eclypse Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Well if I could get that from him then I'd feel like he does actually value our sex life over his porn. There have been nights when he had said he would hold off (because I was coming the next evening) and he jacked-off anyway. He said he couldn't resist. We did have sex that night and I believe he did cum, but it doesn't always work out that way. Just think how much better it could have been if he was really hot and bothered for me because he had held off... it's just disappointing. That is unfortunately the problem in your relationship he chooses his porn over you. That either needs to change or I'm afraid the relationship may be unsalvageable.
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