So just tell me how to cope with porn then

[Eeyore79]

Try masturbating to porn yourself, and you'll soon realize that it's just a way of achieving physical release and a feeling of pleasure. I do it when my boyfriend isn't around, he does it when I'm not around, and I really don't think it's a big deal. Also I don't really see the difference between watching porn, reading erotic fiction, looking at a dirty magazine, or just using your imagination while you masturbate. Porn tends to be demonized, but people would still masturbate if porn didn't exist, they would just imagine sexy scenes while they got their rocks off.

 

In your situation, the problem is not that your partner watches porn. The problem is that he masturbates too soon before sex, and then cannot enjoy sex with you. If he masturbated without using porn, the result would be the same. So the issue is not that he needs to stop using porn, it's that he needs to stop masturbating right before sex.

 

Actually it might be worth getting him checked out by a doctor, because most young men in their twenties are likes sex machines who can orgasm half a dozen times in a day, so if your partner can't get it up for sex after masturbating earlier then he might have a medical problem.

[Appleanche]

You are using porn as a scapegoat.

 

You are obviously not listening but I'll say it one last time.

 

Men, also masturbate, without porn. Your problem with this man, will happen with porn or not.

 

I know that the obvious issue is with the masturbating, but THAT stems from his porn use. Of course he would still masturbate if porn wasn't around, I KNOW that, but I'm telling you...the porn is what gets him horny. It's his M.O. Sometimes he turns on porn because he's bored... bored. Or because he has time on his hands. Or because he can. If he stopped caring so much about his porn collection and keeping a supply of fresh, new material then his masturbation routine would be a lot more natural. I don't expect the man not to masturbate, but the system he's got going now just isn't working for all involved, and sorry to say, but he DOES involve me when he can't cum from a real fleshly female.

[Appleanche]

That's a bunch of bull, and you know it. No offense.

 

Dr. Oz had one of the best psychologists on the show yesterday, and she said that, until recently, human beings never lived long enough to really be monogamous. We have it wired into our brain to go out and ($*$ as many men and women as possible. It's part of our DNA.

 

With that being said, porn is a great substitute for that. Since you're not actually cheating on your girlfriend or wife with it - how can you cheat with a computer? They don't think! - and unless you're super uber religious, you're not committing a moral issue.

 

I think there are worse things in the world...cancer for instance...that need to be worried about, rather than porn. Porn is a crutch, as I've said before, but it's not anything that you need to worry your pretty little head about.

 

Tell me this: would you mind if your girlfriend smothered out her hornyness for you because she already had hers when she watched porn before you came over? Don't forget, she knew that if she turned on that porn she would have a hard time reaching orgasm with you, if she even did at all, and she masturbated anyway. Oh, and you told her this bothers you, that part of the enjoyment of sex is giving her an orgasm, and yet she continues to do this. How do you feel now?

[Eeyore79]

Sometimes he turns on porn because he's bored... bored. Or because he has time on his hands. Or because he can.

Even us girls sometimes flick the bean because we're bored and there's nothing on tv. A quick orgasm and a nice snooze is quite a relaxing thing to do if there's nothing else happening.

 

However I do admit that some people can become totally obsessed with porn. Healthy porn use is turning it on when you want to get off, then turning it off and forgetting about it. When you start to obsess about it, or collect it, or it starts to affect your actual sex life, then it becomes an issue. However the problem is not the porn, but the person's misuse of it. It the same difference between a person who enjoys a drink occasionally and an alcoholic who's obsessed with it - one is acceptable and the other is dangerous. If your partner's porn use is becoming obsessive then he needs help in the same way an alcoholic does.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Excuse me, some of us are able to tolerate (and even enjoy) porn. Not because we're duped into doing so, but because we actually feel that way. Why not just live and let live? You don't want to date a guy who watches porn, then don't. But don't try to shame everyone into sharing your views on the issue.

 

Look, I get that your pet cause is your crusade against porn. I have my own crusades too (ending the Federal Reserve system, getting rid of the TSA, legalizing drugs, promoting freedom, etc.) but I don't try to advance my (very good and logical) cause by leveling thinly veiled insults at those who see things differently.

 

I'm sorry Queen but yet once again, you apply thoughts and ideas to me that just don't apply. It's a common manipulation of yours that I'm tired of.

 

Show me where I was shaming anyone into doing what they didn' t want to do. Clearly alot of women come to the mindset that they need to just accept porn. And they don't if they don't want it in their lives. Clearly my comments don't apply to women that like and enjoy porn themselves. How could they? There is no indication that they do. I also fail to see any insults but please go ahead and point out the insult so that we can actually see some proof of your claims.

 

I get that your pet cause is standing up my butt everytime I say "boo" about porn.

[Queen Zenobia]

I'm sorry Queen but yet once again, you apply thoughts and ideas to me that just don't apply. It's a common manipulation of yours that I'm tired of.

 

Show me where I was shaming anyone into doing what they didn' t want to do. Clearly alot of women come to the mindset that they need to just accept porn. And they don't if they don't want it in their lives. Clearly my comments don't apply to women that like and enjoy porn themselves. How could they? There is no indication that they do. I also fail to see any insults but please go ahead and point out the insult so that we can actually see some proof of your claims.

 

I get that your pet cause is standing up my butt everytime I say "boo" about porn.

 

Interesting. Here's your original post, bolded are what I view as thinly veiled insults. Please, do correct me if I'm wrong though:

 

Men that tell you that EVERY man looks at porn do it because of an idea of fortitude in numbers. They over normalize porn use because simply, *they* use it. If all men act a certain way, then they have no responsibility to be better. It's actually a very selfish and weak mentality. But if you accept a man in your life who likes porn when you don't, then you are promoting more of the same with men. If more women where more honest about their inability to tolerate porn, it might have a chance of becoming less important to men since men would be forced to make choices about their sexuality.

 

I get discouraged too. Then I hear men that come on here and are honest about their experience with porn and are trying to live lives away from it and I have hope that men will come to see porn for what it really is. There are men out there that aren't into porn. You don't have to cope with it.

 

Now, what I get out of your post is that men are "better" than porn, implying that men who watch it are "worse"(or are at least acting worse), and that men (and I suppose us women too) can be "educated" into seeing that porn is inherently bad.

 

If I am reading your post wrongly, then please, do correct me where I am wrong. I don't intend to be a manipulator or a spin doctor (although Spin Doctor the band is pretty good).

[Daremo_06]

Maybe, but if so I think it is within his own life rather than our relationship. We have a very good relationship outside of this issue - I think he feels we are perfect (and this is based on what he tells me). I wouldn't quite take it that far (because I struggle somewhat with how independent he is... a different story for a different day). Anyway, we actually are very committed to one another and very happy together.

 

To be very blunt, then why are you posting about it? Its clearly an issue for you in the relationship. Its something you should want to work on and it involves him so it seems to me that therapy could potentially solve this issue and bring you guys even closer.

[AHardDaysNight]

Tell me this: would you mind if your girlfriend smothered out her hornyness for you because she already had hers when she watched porn before you came over? Don't forget, she knew that if she turned on that porn she would have a hard time reaching orgasm with you, if she even did at all, and she masturbated anyway. Oh, and you told her this bothers you, that part of the enjoyment of sex is giving her an orgasm, and yet she continues to do this. How do you feel now?

 

Of course I would mind.

 

But I'm the type of guy that would quit something, if it interfered in my daily life. I gave up illegal downloading, because of the possibility of going to jail. I gave up diet soda, because I reacted badly to it. And so on.

 

If porn was interfering in my relationships, you bet your bottom dollar that I would stop it.

 

But this question isn't about me. It's about porn, and whether or not it is healthy or not. To that, I say this: things like porn are only as healthy as the individuals makes them.

[Appleanche]

To be very blunt, then why are you posting about it? Its clearly an issue for you in the relationship. Its something you should want to work on and it involves him so it seems to me that therapy could potentially solve this issue and bring you guys even closer.

 

I'm not sure I understand your question. As for therapy, I myself am seeing someone but don't want to suggest to him that we try couples therapy. In general he doesn't think therapy works, and I'm pretty darn sure that he would scoff at the idea of himself going. Maybe if he thought I had one foot out the door, but then he'd only be going for me, NOT because he agrees he has a problem with porn.

 

Look, he's not going to give it up, nor am I going to ask him to. I really believe that as far as addictions go, this one is very hard to break, and step number one is admitting you have a problem, which he would never even consider about himself. He doesn't think he has an addiction to it. From experience I know just how sneaky men can be if you try to squash their porn-time... if they want it, they'll find a way to get it, so even if (a) he admitted he was addicted (b) he agreed to work on it in counseling, and © he said he would stop or limit how much he watches... I wouldn't believe him anyway. I just don't think that men with these addictions really value the perspective of their SO's because we have been devalued for so long already over of the porn use. It's just like any other addiction.

 

That is why I was looking for ways to deal with it, to cope without allowing it to make me feel that I'm not enough. I want to learn ways to make myself stronger as a person, boost my self esteem, and not allow this to affect me the way it has.

 

To those who have posted, thank you... I do appreciate all the feedback.

[AHardDaysNight]

I actually usually use my imagination when I'm bored and feeling horny.

 

Or I'll look at clothed pics, and imagine them naked and in sexual situations.

 

Perhaps I'm a pervert, but I find most porn boring. The best porn is in my mind.

[Appleanche]

Of course I would mind.

 

But I'm the type of guy that would quit something, if it interfered in my daily life. I gave up illegal downloading, because of the possibility of going to jail. I gave up diet soda, because I reacted badly to it. And so on.

 

If porn was interfering in my relationships, you bet your bottom dollar that I would stop it.

 

But this question isn't about me. It's about porn, and whether or not it is healthy or not. To that, I say this: things like porn are only as healthy as the individuals makes them.

 

Exactly, and in my case it's not all that healthy. But this is my relationship we are talking about here and so you can see my dilemma. It's not as black and white as whether or not to give up diet soda. Yes, the option to leave him is there... I know that.

[Appleanche]

I actually usually use my imagination when I'm bored and feeling horny.

 

Or I'll look at clothed pics, and imagine them naked and in sexual situations.

 

Perhaps I'm a pervert, but I find most porn boring. The best porn is in my mind.

 

The best porn is my mind as well. My imagination is so much better and more rewarding than any porn flick.

[AHardDaysNight]

Sometimes a man can be a good man, but struggle with something that is hard to quit.

 

Let me ask you this...if he was a smoker, and couldn't quit, would you leave him over that?

 

Same type of addiction. Just replace "smoking" with "porn."

 

Try to get him into a sex addicts therapy session. That is, after you get him to recognize that he has a problem. If he never does, then perhaps he never will.

[Appleanche]

Sometimes a man can be a good man, but struggle with something that is hard to quit.

 

Let me ask you this...if he was a smoker, and couldn't quit, would you leave him over that?

 

Same type of addiction. Just replace "smoking" with "porn."

 

Try to get him into a sex addicts therapy session. That is, after you get him to recognize that he has a problem. If he never does, then perhaps he never will.

 

No I wouldn't. But then again, I would have known that he was a smoker right off the bat and wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with him.

 

I haven't talked to my counselor about this issue yet but I intend to at my next appt. I'll have to ask him about therapy for sex addicts.

[A O]

I haven't talked to my counselor about this issue yet but I intend to at my next appt. I'll have to ask him about therapy for sex addicts.

You should mention it right away because this is clearly an issue for you and something that’s bugged you in previous relationships too. In a healthy, mutually respectful relationship, no one needs to ‘sneak’ around.

 

That is why I was looking for ways to deal with it, to cope without allowing it to make me feel that I'm not enough. I want to learn ways to make myself stronger as a person, boost my self esteem, and not allow this to affect me the way it has.

Interested in hearing the suggestions your therapist may pose to you here. Whatever is suggested, I’m sure they’ll be of help to many folk here as well as yourself.

 

Interested also, should you mention it, what he’ll make of your overall happiness and commitment towards your bf despite all these obvious hurdles!

 

 

.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Appleanche,

If you don't like porn and don't want to be with a man that uses it, then you deserve to man like that. There ARE men out there like that. Most likely you won't find such men online because it's natural to assume that the more time a man spends online, the more chance he probably views porn. Men that aren't looking at porn are more likely to be out in the real world doing real stuff.

You shouldn't have to "cope" with something you don't like. You need to be honest about your own needs and if your man doesn't want to meet them, then you need to find another man.

 

Bull****. Guys are either being honest about their porn use or lying about it.

 

Our local university went to do a comparison study between men who used porn and those who didn't... AND COULD NOT FIND MEN WHO DIDN'T.

 

Just suck it up... there are thousands of annoying traits and habits women seem to have that I am forced to put up with.... Why are you so special that the world must bend to your whims?

[Appleanche]

You should mention it right away because this is clearly an issue for you and something that’s bugged you in previous relationships too. In a healthy, mutually respectful relationship, no one needs to ‘sneak’ around.

 

Interested in hearing the suggestions your therapist may pose to you here. Whatever is suggested, I’m sure they’ll be of help to many folk here as well as yourself.

 

I will post the outcome of that session, although it's a few weeks out so I won't be able to follow-up right away.

 

Interested also, should you mention it, what he’ll make of your overall happiness and commitment towards your bf despite all these obvious hurdles!

 

Could you elaborate? I'm not quite sure where you're going with this question...

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Queen Zenobia

Interesting. Here's your original post, bolded are what I view as thinly veiled insults. Please, do correct me if I'm wrong though:

 

Queen, you will notice that I said “men that tell you...” does this imply “all” men? Not at all. The thought process behind men that tell women that “every” man looks at porn is the belief that if all men act a certain way, they don’t have any responsibility to be any different. And yes, it is selfish and weak mentality. Is that an insult or just the truth in some cases?

Now, what I get out of your post is that men are "better" than porn, implying that men who watch it are "worse"(or are at least acting worse), and that men (and I suppose us women too) can be "educated" into seeing that porn is inherently bad.

 

Now if you really want we can sit here singing songs about rainbows and pretend everything everyone does is peaches and creams or we can be honest about what seems to be specific issues that regularly come up with men AND women and be honest and talk about them.

 

If I am reading your post wrongly, then please, do correct me where I am wrong. I don't intend to be a manipulator or a spin doctor (although Spin Doctor the band is pretty good).

 

Yes, I believe that men are better then porn. Better then what porn tells them their sexuality is and better then what happens in porn. My personal belief is that porn isn’t healthy. Sex is yes. Masturbation is yes. Porn, not so much. However, that in no way implies that men who watch porn are “worse” human beings. Now maybe in *your* mind by saying that men are better to porn you can automatically link it to saying men who watch porn are horrible. But that's not how it's linked in my mind. No human being is perfect. We all struggle with different things and have different strengths and weaknesses. While I totally believe that men are much better then what porn tells them they are and what women are, I don't think that men that watch porn are horrible people. Now that I've cleared this up I hope not to see you repeitive comments to cliam the same in the furture. Thanks.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Bull****. Guys are either being honest about their porn use or lying about it.

 

Our local university went to do a comparison study between men who used porn and those who didn't... AND COULD NOT FIND MEN WHO DIDN'T.

 

Just suck it up... there are thousands of annoying traits and habits women seem to have that I am forced to put up with.... Why are you so special that the world must bend to your whims?

 

Now that's a healthy attitude toward approaching your relationships with women.."just suck it up... because I want my way!"

 

I'm sorry but not all men watch porn. Some men really care about focusing on their partners and making the relationships about "them"..not "him". If you want porn then please, look at as much porn as you want. But when you have a relationship with a woman, in healthy adult relationships, you need to consider the other person. And that goes both ways. Also, you need to give more specifics to your "study" then what you were able to provide so far. While I am sure more men look at porn then not, I don't think this equates to a healthy attitude toward sex. Technology and porn has killed a lot of good things. One of them being how men relate to women.

[A O]

I will post the outcome of that session, although it's a few weeks out so I won't be able to follow-up right away.

Look forward to it May I ask how long you've been seeing your therapist and for what reason?

 

Could you elaborate? I'm not quite sure where you're going with this question...

Porn use is obviously a major problem for you and yet you've stated how happy and committed to this porn addict you are nonetheless. I'd like to know what your therapist thinks of this juxtaposition.

 

Now that's a healthy attitude toward approaching your relationships with women.."just suck it up... because I want my way!"

Yes, it is unhealthy. But calling men weak and selfish is insulting, as noted by Queen Zenobia, and not conducive to healthy debate also.

 

Technology and porn has killed a lot of good things. One of them being how men relate to women.

Our upbringing is the chief determinant of how people relate/treat each other. Any notable change to this fundamental due to a different influence, in this case porn, would engender overwhelming public discourse and widespread media attention would follow. Neither has happened to date due largely to the aforementioned influence upbringing has on behavior.

 

 

.

[Queen Zenobia]

Now if you really want we can sit here singing songs about rainbows and pretend everything everyone does is peaches and creams or we can be honest about what seems to be specific issues that regularly come up with men AND women and be honest and talk about them.

 

Yes, I believe that men are better then porn. Better then what porn tells them their sexuality is and better then what happens in porn. My personal belief is that porn isn’t healthy. Sex is yes. Masturbation is yes. Porn, not so much. However, that in no way implies that men who watch porn are “worse” human beings. Now maybe in *your* mind by saying that men are better to porn you can automatically link it to saying men who watch porn are horrible. But that's not how it's linked in my mind. No human being is perfect. We all struggle with different things and have different strengths and weaknesses. While I totally believe that men are much better then what porn tells them they are and what women are, I don't think that men that watch porn are horrible people. Now that I've cleared this up I hope not to see you repeitive comments to cliam the same in the furture. Thanks.

 

I honestly don't think I've interacted with you all that much on this topic (~5 posts perhaps?). You should see how much I interact with Fugu on the subject of economics in the politics section of LS . Now that's an epic battle.

 

It's not so much that I want to turn everything people do into "peaches and cream" but rather I want to make sure you realize that your morality is subjective, not objective. You have a problem with porn, so to you men are better than porn. Surely there are people who agree with you, but that hardly makes your opinions on the matter Gospel. Same goes with my views on the issue. They are after all opinions and not universal morality (although some morals are universal), and so people should do as they please without having to worry about what they're doing is "wrong" according to you or anyone else (obviously while respecting the universal rights to life, liberty and property however). Your words are really no different than me saying "Americans are better than voting for Obama", do you not see the problem with that kind of statement?

 

Again, not saying you are wrong (or that you are right), but I prefer to live by those immortal words from the Diff'rent Stokes theme song: "what might be right for you, might not be right for some". So be careful with wide-sweeping comments.

Edited November 27, 2011 by Queen Zenobia

[fortyninethousand322]

Now that's a healthy attitude toward approaching your relationships with women.."just suck it up... because I want my way!"

 

I'm sorry but not all men watch porn. Some men really care about focusing on their partners and making the relationships about "them"..not "him". If you want porn then please, look at as much porn as you want. But when you have a relationship with a woman, in healthy adult relationships, you need to consider the other person. And that goes both ways. Also, you need to give more specifics to your "study" then what you were able to provide so far. While I am sure more men look at porn then not, I don't think this equates to a healthy attitude toward sex. Technology and porn has killed a lot of good things. One of them being how men relate to women.

 

Wow. Patronize much? You make it sound like a guy can't watch porn and "really care about focusing on their partners". I don't know DY, it doesn't seem like you're going to convince anyone that watching porn is bad or that a guy who watches porn doesn't care about his partner.

 

Besides, couldn't you say the same thing about women too?

[AHardDaysNight]

Now that's a healthy attitude toward approaching your relationships with women.."just suck it up... because I want my way!"

 

I'm sorry but not all men watch porn. Some men really care about focusing on their partners and making the relationships about "them"..not "him". If you want porn then please, look at as much porn as you want. But when you have a relationship with a woman, in healthy adult relationships, you need to consider the other person. And that goes both ways. Also, you need to give more specifics to your "study" then what you were able to provide so far. While I am sure more men look at porn then not, I don't think this equates to a healthy attitude toward sex. Technology and porn has killed a lot of good things. One of them being how men relate to women.

 

Oh, that's a lovely attitude! Porn turns men into monsters!

 

What turns women into monsters? Romance novels and Desperate Housewives?

[ChessPieceFace]

Oh, that's a lovely attitude! Porn turns men into monsters!

 

What turns women into monsters? Romance novels and Desperate Housewives?

 

Trick question. Women are already monsters.

[AHardDaysNight]

Trick question. Women are already monsters.

 

Yeah, it's harder to spot an ugly woman than an ugly man. Monsters like Casey Anthony tend to hide behind their looks.