smccalister Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Please help. I am overwhelmed and don't know what to do. I have been dating this girl for 2.5 years and things are generally going well. We are both in our mid-20s. I think we both really love each other. I think we both feel really comfortable around each other and we are able to relax and be ourselves. We have talked about marriage, but no specific plans are in the works. We hang out with each other's families a lot. We have one big problem: We rarely ever have sex any more (I mean once a month at best). Our sexual relationship has been on the rocks for about a year, maybe longer. I think it is fair to say the problem lies on her end. She is not heavy at all, but she has body image issues (which I think I am very understanding of). She says this is the reason for sex rarely happening. It's not a new issue and she says she has always had body issues. I try to be supportive whenever she brings this issue up and I even encouraged us to go see a relationship counselor about 6 months ago. We saw a counselor a few sessions and now my girlfriend is going on her own to address personal issues. My girlfriend says she has no interest in sex and no interest in changing that for the time being, although she says that will change if she can lose a couple pounds and feel better about her self. (She is like 120 pounds, probably 5-10 pounds heavier than when we started dating. I could care less about the weight and tell her that.) The first six months we started dating we had wild sex. Then it slowed. I bring up the issue from time to time and express my concerns in what I think it is a respectful manner. It feels like every 2-3 months I have a conversation with her about my sexual needs not being met (I would like to have sex at least 1 or 2 times a week). She also doesn't like to go out as much (ie: bars, seeing friends, leaving the house) since we started dating, and she says her weight has something to do with it. I am honestly stumped. I love her and really care about her and want to make things work. We are compatiable in so many ways and I really care about her. While our sex life has died, we have grown a lot closer together the past year or so. I think we have both become more mature and are better at communicating and better at compromising and working together. We really laugh and have a lot of fun together. Despite all these good things, I can't help but think I should end this relationship at times. Sometimes I get so sexually frustrated. I would never cheat on her but I find myself thinking about being with other women. I can't help but assume if our sex life is dead now, it will only get worse in marriage. Sex isn't everything to me, but I feel it is part of a relationship. Part of what is frustrating is I don't feel intimate with her now. We don't even kiss passionately and for long periods of time anymore. It's all snuggling and pecks on the cheek. She likes to blow on my stomach and be silly, but rarely seriously and intimate. She doesn't even like me to see her naked anymore. She changes out of view. Sometimes I don't feel wanted and attractive because she scorns my advances. OK, I know I am highlighting more of the bad than the good in our relationship, but I need some opinions here. What do you think? How important is sex in a relationship? How long do you try to make it work before you give up trying? Should I compromise on this issue since things are otherwise good?
norajane Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 She also doesn't like to go out as much (ie: bars, seeing friends, leaving the house) since we started dating, and she says her weight has something to do with it. It sounds like she is blaming her weight for everything. I don't want to make light of her issue - for someone who only weighs 110 pounds, adding another 10 is a significant percentage of her body weight as compared to someone who is 200 pounds gaining an extra 10. So for her, it looms large and seems really noticeable. Except, it's not. She is focusing on those pounds instead of on living. Why? Why did she gain the weight (those extra 5 or 10 pounds)? It's good she's in therapy, but if nothing much changes, you may have to seriously consider whether you want to stick around for however long it takes. Everyone has issues, but if they get in the way of living your lives together normally, and therapy isn't helping, well, that's what dating is for...learning more about the person and determining whether they are a good fit for you.
Author smccalister Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 Thanks for the advice -- I would appreciate feedback from anyone. She can't seem to take her mind off the pounds she has gained, they are a major issues for her (despite how many times I tell her it is not a big deal). She is a long distance runner (has done marathons) but her miles have come down in the past year (still she runs 20-30 miles a week). She has a pretty good idea what is healthy food, but she eats huge portions like she is training for a marathon all the time. She says she can't control herself. When I try to remind her about this, it is a really touchy issue. Sometimes she will just want to eat a pint of ice cream for dinner. I have told her how much this frustrates me because I know she will just be upset with herself later. I started cooking and trying to make stuff that is healthy for us. I"ve also started running just so we can do it together. I'm trying to be supportive but sometimes I feel like I want her to lose the weight more than she does (not that I care about the weight, I just want her to feel better since she says that's what is causing the issue). When does an issue cross the line into being overbearing? I feel like I am understanding, but I can only do this for so long until she shows signs of improving. She says herself that even if she loses the 5-10 pounds that are bothering her, she will still have "body image issues." She will just feel better about herself.
RiverRunning Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Well, since she's in therapy, I hope they're addressing the body image issues. Unless she's very short, I don't see how 120 pounds could look fat on anybody. My feeling is that happiness and confidence are a state of mind. Like she's already admitted, it won't matter if she's 90 pounds, 120 pounds or 200 pounds. She has confidence issues that really extend past how much she weighs. For many women who have eating disorders (and it sounds like she has a huge problem with binging), having absolute control over their bodies/food is how they derive a sense of having power. Otherwise, they tend to feel helpless, insecure, etc. This is also a problem with our country and how our strategy for getting everyone in shape is "If you're fat, find a way to be thin." We should be encouraging everybody to eat healthy foods and to exercise - you will either slim down or you will maintain the size that's natural to your body. But our society is so obsessed with thin that women turn a blind eye to how to eat and exercise well for their bodies. Most women try to lose weight by starving themselves and avoiding exercise. We are seriously screwed up in the Western world with how we perceive food and body image. You're getting rejected a lot. The passion in the relationship has dwindled. I hope depression is also getting addressed in therapy. But take a look at yourself too. Can you think of any women who might be larger that you find attractive? Maybe make a point of addressing how sexy you find the shape of...I don't know, someone in Hollywood. Maybe she feels that you're just interested in very thin women. Showing her that you find a variety of body types appealing might start helping her view herself in a less harsh way. You may have to weather this one out. This has been a long-term problem, though. It may or may not improve. She may well continue to gain weight as she gets older. She may get an injury that prevents her from running, and given her eating habits, she'll pack on the weight. Or what about when she gets pregnant? I say try to be supportive. You could even try consoling her by turning all the lights off, if that will help her feel more confident initially. But I can't blame you - this has been going on for a year. See if there are any improvements after six months. If it's not improved at all, I say go.
phobos Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 She sounds like she is getting some cock some place else. You are way too understanding and a pathetic doormat. Your cold sore covered whore of a GF should be kicked to the curb. With no sex from her, what else she brings to the table? NOTHING! So why are you with this SEX manipulator? Will you be a Man and break up with this stupid slut?
SingleinSouth Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 (edited) Omg, I don't know how tall she is but 120 lbs is not big. It sounds like she exercises excessively and I say this because everything seems to revolve around her weight/self image/food/exercise. It sounds like bulimia. She can get over this but it will take some work in therapy and it's good she is going on her own. However, seeing that this issue has impacted you and your relationship with her, maybe she will include you in every other counseling appt for at least 1/2 the appointment? This way, you can discuss how it impacts you, you can show your support, you can receive professional guidance about how you can help. Of course a good sex life is a healthy and expected part of every relationship! But don't bail out prematurely. Work on it before you throw in the towel, it will be great experience for marriage. Marriage is full of difficult issues and too many people give up too early. Do what I said above. Edited November 23, 2011 by SingleinSouth
phobos Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Yea, it IS great experience for a typical sexless marriage. I say dumb the cheating whore and find a woman who would want to have sex with you more than ones a month.
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