Young, Lonely, Insecure and Hurting

[kaylan]

First Post. Jumping into a free write of thoughts. (skip to the last few paragraphs if ya want)

 

For 10 years I have been searching for love with some stop gaps on the way. I am now 25. I grew up watching Ross and Rachel fall in love on Friends, watching Dawson, Joey, and Pasey have all their drama on Dawsons Creek, and Id watch these movies about young love, wanting it very much for myself.

 

Before I met my first serious gf at 18, I thought the idea of love was nice, but I didnt understand it. Sure I had little, not-so-serious girlfriends before that age, but 18 was when I truly felt something akin to love and romantic happiness for the first time. Hell I lost my virginity to the chick and thought she would be it for me for a long time. Things felt good, however because of her past and certain things about her personality, I always was insecure and paranoid that shed hurt me. Go figure one day she calls me crying, and I knew right then and there that she had messed up. She cheated on me, I dumped her then and there, and it broke my heart but taught me some things. One, that I was more in love with the idea of love at the time and not really her. It was a first, young, dumb love I guess. And two, that I have certain expectations of what I think a relationship should be like and that I should never compromise that by staying with someone I cant trust. Or someone who does not want the same things I do. I am glad I knew that at 18, seeing as many kids these days do put up with a lot of nonsense in their first big heart break.

 

So over the next few years I swore off relationships with women. I focused on my band, going out with friends, and just being selfish and feeding my physical desires. I had a few flings, one of which was with a really good friend that ended badly though because she saw me falling for her and just used me for sex anyways. But it was what it was.

 

At 22 in my second year of college, I met my last ex. It was not a stable relationship, and I carried over my insecurities from my first relationship into it. As well as having new fears based on her own behavior and how we got along. I made a couple of threads over at eNotalone back then when I was down. But anyways, when I look back on my feelings, she was the one girl I ever truly loved completely. I discovered what love and passion felt like through being with her. However yet again, love ended in heartbreak and it was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Especially since you dont expect someone who just said they loved you a week ago, to be unsure of their feelings all of a sudden because they liked someone apparently. So it made me feel like I have never been loved by either of my exes. It made me so jaded towards relationships that I went into my 3rd year at school and started hooking up more than I usually did, and even had a one night stand that I was not proud of.

 

Considering how analytical I am, and how much I over think, and me being interested in how people think, I began to research human relationships. I read surveys, and articles, and forums such as this one, and it just reinforced to me that being this typical young single guy who just "has fun" is what I needed to be. I thought it was a waste of time to put myself out there just be used and hurt by someone until they decided to jump ship. I was set on this for a while. I got in shape, changed up styles and started dressing better, and was on a mission to be a man wh*re and not care about anything.

 

However my emotions could never really bring me to do that. Deep down I longed for intimacy, compassion, and to find someone who could love me completely the way I could love them back. Without any of the dishonesty, cheating, leaving someone you "love" for someone else or any other BS that has become so common nowadays. I see and hear all these stories of heartbreak and betrayal and sometimes feel I am the only one whos capable of total devotion to someone I care deeply for. Hell I am honest to a fault I have been told, because Id rather hurt someones feelings and be honest with them instead of lie even the tiniest of lies. I want the freedom of choice, so I try and give that to others.

 

But sometimes I feel like I will end up alone because I have yet to meet a girl who shares all the qualities I look for. I am scared that Ill end up being 30 or 35 and have someone whos only with me because they just wanted to settle down and I wouldnt even know. But I dont want someone to settle for me, I want someone whos madly in love with me and would do anything to be next to me and make me smile. I have read about too many of those settling marriages and it scares me because I wouldnt want to put so much effort into something that isnt real and can just fall apart and crush me.

 

I want young love now while I can still have it. Prolonged, sustained, good love. I want someone who will be happy just lying in bed cuddling all day, or walking through the park aimlessly. Someone who knows just how to make my heart swell and who Id wanna f**k or make love to all the time even as the years go on. Sometimes I think I am being unrealistic, but I see other people have it, and I want it so bad.

 

Until the last few weeks I was really set in my ways of just partying nonstop. I went to the bars and clubs ALOT in my last semesters of college this past spring and summer. And it didnt matter if I met girls there, class, or anywhere else...my luck was just bad. Either we didnt click, or if I did like them, my insecurities would creep in and Id find something about them I didnt like and sabotage myself. I wasnt sure if it was right or wrong, because in the past when I ignored my gut, it turned out it would of been right for me to avoid those gals because of the perceived red flags. However, others would tell me to just learn to trust and let go of my past and the girls past. But I cant shake my belief that someones past is still part of them and a predictor of their future behavior. And I am just so scared of putting time into something and then being hurt or lied to and having it all wasted when I couldve been happy elsewhere.

 

But now, the party mode lights have flipped off and I feel like maybe I am just growing older and settling into my mid 20s. I met a girl that I click with a great deal, but of course my insecurities and trust issues have picked up things I dont like about her. After we had a night together I opened up to her some about my issues and it made her take a step back, and then she says me shes not yet ready to focus on one dude. Then later she opened up to me about herself even more and it scares the hell out of me. Like I am just afraid one of us will hurt the other and I feel distraught that I cannot find someone who makes everything calm. Where everything just fits and none of my alarms go off. Is that impossible to find? I just get sick of being used and I am not sure if she just used me for a fun night herself yet. Right now I am thinking the best thing to do is to back off and tell her I need to work on myself, but then Id feel like a jerk especially when shes said she hasnt had the best luck herself either.

 

I want to find a land of trust and safety but I am always drowning in this sea of fear and insecurity. And it doesnt help that just this weekend a friend of mine and a girl I used to see totally stabbed me in the back, making me even more cautious regarding friends and women.

 

And here I am, quarter life crisis, 25 year old recent grad who doesnt know what he wants in his life from his career to women. I feel soooooo goddamn lonely when I am without someone to call my own. I sometimes just break out into tears because I think back on the failures of my dating life, and it hurts to think that I have never been truly happy. Like complete happiness without worry. I dont want to go another ten years and not find what I am looking for. I just am never that happy when my romantic life isnt going anywhere, and I have always been this way. I want real mutual love. I want it so bad, but look at what a mess I am.

 

I am just figuring out a lot about myself over the last two years. Times like these I wish I had a big brother or sister to talk to about these things.

[Lowib]

Hey buddy,

 

I am a single 25 year old. I have been through a number of failed relationships. I just was dumped by a girl for another man just a few weeks ago. I was there for the birth of her daughter, and was the father to her child. Did it matter? Nope. Am I a bad guy? Yah ****ing right!

 

Please don't base your value on ANYBODY else. You are not defined by your relationships. You will find somebody and you're still real young. You need to focus on a career and improving yourself and dealing with your insecurities. Become a stronger person by yourself and I guarantee somebody will notice and you'll be looking back at this moment laughing. Don't ever give up hope, and keep on pushing man.

 

Life is a funny thing, and you never know who you're going to meet. Just control what you can and let everything else work its self out.

[Wink Tobasco]

First Post. Jumping into a free write of thoughts. (skip to the last few paragraphs if ya want)

 

For 10 years I have been searching for love with some stop gaps on the way. I am now 25. I grew up watching Ross and Rachel fall in love on Friends, watching Dawson, Joey, and Pasey have all their drama on Dawsons Creek, and Id watch these movies about young love, wanting it very much for myself.

 

Before I met my first serious gf at 18, I thought the idea of love was nice, but I didnt understand it. Sure I had little, not-so-serious girlfriends before that age, but 18 was when I truly felt something akin to love and romantic happiness for the first time. Hell I lost my virginity to the chick and thought she would be it for me for a long time. Things felt good, however because of her past and certain things about her personality, I always was insecure and paranoid that shed hurt me. Go figure one day she calls me crying, and I knew right then and there that she had messed up. She cheated on me, I dumped her then and there, and it broke my heart but taught me some things. One, that I was more in love with the idea of love at the time and not really her. It was a first, young, dumb love I guess. And two, that I have certain expectations of what I think a relationship should be like and that I should never compromise that by staying with someone I cant trust. Or someone who does not want the same things I do. I am glad I knew that at 18, seeing as many kids these days do put up with a lot of nonsense in their first big heart break.

 

So over the next few years I swore off relationships with women. I focused on my band, going out with friends, and just being selfish and feeding my physical desires. I had a few flings, one of which was with a really good friend that ended badly though because she saw me falling for her and just used me for sex anyways. But it was what it was.

 

At 22 in my second year of college, I met my last ex. It was not a stable relationship, and I carried over my insecurities from my first relationship into it. As well as having new fears based on her own behavior and how we got along. I made a couple of threads over at eNotalone back then when I was down. But anyways, when I look back on my feelings, she was the one girl I ever truly loved completely. I discovered what love and passion felt like through being with her. However yet again, love ended in heartbreak and it was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Especially since you dont expect someone who just said they loved you a week ago, to be unsure of their feelings all of a sudden because they liked someone apparently. So it made me feel like I have never been loved by either of my exes. It made me so jaded towards relationships that I went into my 3rd year at school and started hooking up more than I usually did, and even had a one night stand that I was not proud of.

 

Considering how analytical I am, and how much I over think, and me being interested in how people think, I began to research human relationships. I read surveys, and articles, and forums such as this one, and it just reinforced to me that being this typical young single guy who just "has fun" is what I needed to be. I thought it was a waste of time to put myself out there just be used and hurt by someone until they decided to jump ship. I was set on this for a while. I got in shape, changed up styles and started dressing better, and was on a mission to be a man wh*re and not care about anything.

 

However my emotions could never really bring me to do that. Deep down I longed for intimacy, compassion, and to find someone who could love me completely the way I could love them back. Without any of the dishonesty, cheating, leaving someone you "love" for someone else or any other BS that has become so common nowadays. I see and hear all these stories of heartbreak and betrayal and sometimes feel I am the only one whos capable of total devotion to someone I care deeply for. Hell I am honest to a fault I have been told, because Id rather hurt someones feelings and be honest with them instead of lie even the tiniest of lies. I want the freedom of choice, so I try and give that to others.

 

But sometimes I feel like I will end up alone because I have yet to meet a girl who shares all the qualities I look for. I am scared that Ill end up being 30 or 35 and have someone whos only with me because they just wanted to settle down and I wouldnt even know. But I dont want someone to settle for me, I want someone whos madly in love with me and would do anything to be next to me and make me smile. I have read about too many of those settling marriages and it scares me because I wouldnt want to put so much effort into something that isnt real and can just fall apart and crush me.

 

I want young love now while I can still have it. Prolonged, sustained, good love. I want someone who will be happy just lying in bed cuddling all day, or walking through the park aimlessly. Someone who knows just how to make my heart swell and who Id wanna f**k or make love to all the time even as the years go on. Sometimes I think I am being unrealistic, but I see other people have it, and I want it so bad.

 

Until the last few weeks I was really set in my ways of just partying nonstop. I went to the bars and clubs ALOT in my last semesters of college this past spring and summer. And it didnt matter if I met girls there, class, or anywhere else...my luck was just bad. Either we didnt click, or if I did like them, my insecurities would creep in and Id find something about them I didnt like and sabotage myself. I wasnt sure if it was right or wrong, because in the past when I ignored my gut, it turned out it would of been right for me to avoid those gals because of the perceived red flags. However, others would tell me to just learn to trust and let go of my past and the girls past. But I cant shake my belief that someones past is still part of them and a predictor of their future behavior. And I am just so scared of putting time into something and then being hurt or lied to and having it all wasted when I couldve been happy elsewhere.

 

But now, the party mode lights have flipped off and I feel like maybe I am just growing older and settling into my mid 20s. I met a girl that I click with a great deal, but of course my insecurities and trust issues have picked up things I dont like about her. After we had a night together I opened up to her some about my issues and it made her take a step back, and then she says me shes not yet ready to focus on one dude. Then later she opened up to me about herself even more and it scares the hell out of me. Like I am just afraid one of us will hurt the other and I feel distraught that I cannot find someone who makes everything calm. Where everything just fits and none of my alarms go off. Is that impossible to find? I just get sick of being used and I am not sure if she just used me for a fun night herself yet. Right now I am thinking the best thing to do is to back off and tell her I need to work on myself, but then Id feel like a jerk especially when shes said she hasnt had the best luck herself either.

 

I want to find a land of trust and safety but I am always drowning in this sea of fear and insecurity. And it doesnt help that just this weekend a friend of mine and a girl I used to see totally stabbed me in the back, making me even more cautious regarding friends and women.

 

And here I am, quarter life crisis, 25 year old recent grad who doesnt know what he wants in his life from his career to women. I feel soooooo goddamn lonely when I am without someone to call my own. I sometimes just break out into tears because I think back on the failures of my dating life, and it hurts to think that I have never been truly happy. Like complete happiness without worry. I dont want to go another ten years and not find what I am looking for. I just am never that happy when my romantic life isnt going anywhere, and I have always been this way. I want real mutual love. I want it so bad, but look at what a mess I am.

 

I am just figuring out a lot about myself over the last two years. Times like these I wish I had a big brother or sister to talk to about these things.

I always feel bad when a poster posts a revealing post about their weaknesses, and nobody answers it. I was going to answer till I noticed that you have over 200 posts in less than 2 months. INSECURITY is NOT your problem! You're by no means the only person who lives life on the net instead of having a real life. The cookie cutter advice is to get out in the world. Good Luck.

PS; is that you in the avatar?

[kaylan]

Hey buddy,

 

I am a single 25 year old. I have been through a number of failed relationships. I just was dumped by a girl for another man just a few weeks ago. I was there for the birth of her daughter, and was the father to her child. Did it matter? Nope. Am I a bad guy? Yah ****ing right!

 

Please don't base your value on ANYBODY else. You are not defined by your relationships. You will find somebody and you're still real young. You need to focus on a career and improving yourself and dealing with your insecurities. Become a stronger person by yourself and I guarantee somebody will notice and you'll be looking back at this moment laughing. Don't ever give up hope, and keep on pushing man.

 

Life is a funny thing, and you never know who you're going to meet. Just control what you can and let everything else work its self out.

Im reevaluating how I see relationships. Ive become to believe that most relationships have a time limit on them. People grow, change and want different things at different points in their lives. Its a more realistic view of romance for me at the moment. Especially considering Im not sure what Id want from a nice chick right now.

 

Right now I am just trying to focus on my career and my music, so thanks for the upbeat wishes.

 

And I feel for what youve gone through yourself. I couldnt imagine how rough that is.

I always feel bad when a poster posts a revealing post about their weaknesses, and nobody answers it. I was going to answer till I noticed that you have over 200 posts in less than 2 months. INSECURITY is NOT your problem! You're by no means the only person who lives life on the net instead of having a real life. The cookie cutter advice is to get out in the world. Good Luck.

PS; is that you in the avatar?

Well it was better noone answered this post. I was in a bad place when I first joined stemming from a down turn with a girl I really liked. It caused a lot of reflection in my views on love and stuff. I made another thread regarding my feelings that got more replies. Im still trying to figure out what it is I what I want and believe in, in terms of relationships.

 

Its weird for me how everything else can be going right in my life, but if Im not in the right place regarding my love life, nothing feels good. The inverse is also true, that I can be going through rough stuff in everything else, but if my love lifes where I want it, id be happy. Im trying to figure out what I wanna do still. Do I wanna date around? Do I want a girlfriend? Do I still want to hit the bars and clubs and just hookup? or Do I want to just ignore women for a while? Ill figure it out.

 

And trust me, insecurity in relationships is my problem. 200 posts does not change that. Its easy to post on a forum when every place you go has internet. I can post at home, a friends house, or on my phone. 200 posts in a month is 6 to 7 posts a day. That could easily be done in fifteen minutes in a day. Plus since my phones always with me, I read and check and respond to subscribed threads when I have spare time. Its second nature like checking email.

 

Trust me the internet does not impede my daily life routine.

 

And about the avatar, no that isnt me. Its Hard Gay, a japanese comedic character. Look him up on you tube. Hes hilarious. Im so being him for halloween next year.

[Gold Pile]

I always feel bad when a poster posts a revealing post about their weaknesses, and nobody answers it. I was going to answer till I noticed that you have over 200 posts in less than 2 months. INSECURITY is NOT your problem! You're by no means the only person who lives life on the net instead of having a real life. The cookie cutter advice is to get out in the world. Good Luck.

PS; is that you in the avatar?

 

Apologies for not reading the quoted mega post. Just wanted to say that most of the 200 posts are on my thread. LOL

 

Merry Xmas Wink T and you too Kaylan

[U1987]

Dude, you're 25. Why the hell are you "looking for love?" I'm not even thinking about getting married until my late 50's. You're primary goal should be to sleep with as many women as possible; that's your biological duty, not "finding love."

 

Are you from another country? Or some really conservative religious culture or something?

[kaylan]

Apologies for not reading the quoted mega post. Just wanted to say that most of the 200 posts are on my thread. LOL

 

Merry Xmas Wink T and you too Kaylan

Lolz

 

Dude, you're 25. Why the hell are you "looking for love?" I'm not even thinking about getting married until my late 50's. You're primary goal should be to sleep with as many women as possible; that's your biological duty, not "finding love."

 

Are you from another country? Or some really conservative religious culture or something?

Why not look for love? Everyone has different wants and needs. Why would I want to want until Im 50 to marry and start a family. I want to be young when/if I settle down.

 

And I call BS on what you call a primary goal. Humans are no longer stupid animals in the wild. We have highly developed and structured societies. We are capable of cognitive thought, something no other animal on this planet is capable of. So this animal kingdom, biological role crap that people spout off about sometimes does not apply to us in the same way it applies to non-human animals.

 

Sleeping with as many women as possible is stupid because: a) STDs are real and dangerous, and b) Im risking making kids I cannot take care of.

 

Aside from those reasons, it is not my biological duty to do sleep around. I can fulfill my sexual desires with one or a few women. I dont need numerous women for that. Before you talk about biology, realize that human emotion is as important as human sexuality in todays world. I desire something greater than empty hookups. Ive already done that.

 

And to answer your last question, I am an Atheist American with a liberal view of sex. I can have as much fun as the next person, but I desire love as well. Its not a one or the other thing. When Im single I enjoy myself within reason, but it does not mean I cannot look for or long for love.

[bean1]

Kaylan, you do seem like a really awesome guy. For what it's worth, I'd like you to know that "you", as you've written here, is far more amazing than "you" on paper. That was really the point I was trying to make before.

 

You don't need to sleep around - however, dating around is the way to help insecurities. Meeting different people (aka. not your 'typical' type) is what helps a person grow and learn what they want, what they don't want, and disregarding what they don't want is how they grow to stand up for themselves (helping insecurity).

 

All people who look for what you look for will get hurt and have insecurities as a result. People who don't get hurt are those who don't care. You care. You will get hurt. I suggest treating each & every prospect as a "clean slate" -> this was the only way I learned to trust again with my husband. Before that, if I had approached him as "that kind of guy" (who burned me), I would have never opened up to someone I could trust.

 

Part of the problem may be the kind of girl you seek - I know lots of girls who would fit your bill (aka the girl you described in your other thread), the problem is that at 20-25, they don't have time for men. Men get in the way of career progress/school/ambition. Women like that will avoid men that are potential life partners- too disruptive. Women like that often fear falling in love because we know the potential of babies to derail plans, this is a very real fear for "us" (as I was "that girl" once upon a time). They don't go out and meet them, they work work work (or study study study). If that is the girl you want - and it is - you're looking at waiting longer. It doesn't mean they are "settling" for you - it means that they will not put obstacles in their way at this time and aren't "ready" yet. I hope that makes sense. There's nothing wrong with those girls, I have two fantastic girl friends who would fit that bill - at 30+. Not at 25.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Dude, you're 25. Why the hell are you "looking for love?" I'm not even thinking about getting married until my late 50's. You're primary goal should be to sleep with as many women as possible; that's your biological duty, not "finding love."

 

Are you from another country? Or some really conservative religious culture or something?

 

When you write stuff like this, I begin to think I've been drawn in by a funny trollster. Is that the case?

 

Get married in your LATE 50's? Good luck with that!

 

Biological duty? If you're serious about that, then I believe the actual "biological duty" (of animals) is to successfully impregnate as frequently as possible. Then, you'll have the societal duty of taking responsibility for all those offspring. Good luck with that!

 

Really, people in general have a yearning for emotional connections. You seem to be an anomaly. Don't apply your unique standards to the rest of the population.

 

Kaylan:

 

Just an intuitive reaction, but I think that you are in need of working a little on your trust and security issues if these are what got in your way last time you connected with a girl.

 

If you become close with someone, she also has to be able to trust you. If you are going to freak and reject her (or act weird, get controlling, etc.) if you find out anything about her past that triggers you, you yourself are not really ready for a relationship.

 

That is not to say that past behavior does not often give a clue as to future behavior. But I think with people who are very young, like you are, you are going to find youthful missteps that do NOT show you how a person will act in the future, and quite often. Youth is a time for growing, experimenting, making mistakes, and learning.

 

When you are dating, you need to try to forget about the romantic sitcoms and movies of your childhood, and forget about being scared. Just be as open as you can to finding out what kind of a person you are spending that time with, and to how you and she connect, how you respond to each other. Take your time getting to know someone before you put yourself in a very vulnerable position (including having sex, in my opinion) if your goal is to be in a loving relationship.

 

Good luck.

[razz90]

kaylan we are quite alike in many respects. I'm also young (only 21), not very experienced, but i'm young and i'm learning, and trying to figure out who I am and what I want. As such I don't have a lot of advice, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. And i'm glad there are guys out there not looking for just hookups but something meaningful.

I'm trying to not worry or fear or get too lonely, because I truly believe everything will turn out ok in the end. I agree with bean1, in that we get hurt because we CARE too much. It's damn difficult to not care too much sometimes (the heart is illogical and irrational ) but I personally am working on trying not to get too attached. It;s easy when it comes to material things but not when it comes to other people. that doesn';t mean to close up your heart and put up boundaries but to try and keep perspective and a balanced view of the world.

So yeah, i'm gonna continue to risk, to love, to learn, to grow, to be happy with what i have, to trust myself, and hopefully i'll soon find someone to love in the way that i want. And i hope you do too.

[Wink Tobasco]

Kaylan, at least you got some replies this time around. I've long had an issue with people who post lots....its my pet peeve....I shouldn't (here and the other thread) make it seem like I'm only aiming at you. Its lots of posters that I speak of, not just you. And Maybe I'm off base in my thinking.

[kaylan]

Kaylan, at least you got some replies this time around. I've long had an issue with people who post lots....its my pet peeve....I shouldn't (here and the other thread) make it seem like I'm only aiming at you. Its lots of posters that I speak of, not just you. And Maybe I'm off base in my thinking.

Again, read my post again. I have a smart phone. Thats where I post from most of the time. Posting doesnt take a lot of time to do.

 

People need to stop trying to shame folks for using the internet. Its freaking 2011. The internet is everywhere and on so many devices.

[Oxy Moronovich]

I always feel bad when a poster posts a revealing post about their weaknesses, and nobody answers it. I was going to answer till I noticed that you have over 200 posts in less than 2 months. INSECURITY is NOT your problem! You're by no means the only person who lives life on the net instead of having a real life. The cookie cutter advice is to get out in the world. Good Luck.

PS; is that you in the avatar?

This post has me in tears. I'm not sure why but it made me choke on my milk with laughter.

 

And what the hell kinda name is Wink Tobasco? That name is so offbeat it makes me laugh as well.

Again, read my post again. I have a smart phone. Thats where I post from most of the time. Posting doesnt take a lot of time to do.

 

People need to stop trying to shame folks for using the internet. Its freaking 2011. The internet is everywhere and on so many devices.

It's not just posting that takes time; it's also reading through posts and responding to them that takes time as well. So yes, 200 + posts in less than 2 months is excessive.

 

I'm only on the internet when I'm bored and home or at work. I never understand these people who constantly post on internet forums during their free time outside. Sure, the internet is everywhere. But do you know what else is everywhere in greater quantities? Reality. Quit spending so much time on the net and start using that phone for getting numbers. Otherwise, you're gonna go from young, lonely, insecure, and hurting to old, lonely, insecure, and hurting before you know it.

[kaylan]

Whatever you say buddy:rolleyes:

[dasein]

Kaylan, at least you got some replies this time around. I've long had an issue with people who post lots....its my pet peeve....

 

Seems like a very easy pet peeve to fix for you, and I find your advice to other posters here to get away from the net ironic in light of it.

 

OP, I didn't attain control over my dating life until I started reflecting on relationships and given realities, over a span of years and quite a few posts. You seem to be beginning this process and you will get your answers. Good luck.

Edited December 25, 2011 by dasein