So far so bad

[Harperpro]

Well here goes,

 

My wife and I have been seperated since August 18th. No one really saw it comming we had married on Christmas eve of 2010. As far as we knew we seemed to be getting along well and just enjoying each other. We had our small issues but never really had a fight. This is her first marriage and my second. She is normally quite stuborn and I had no problem letting her have her way on most things. We did have communication problems but I (wrongly) assumed these would get better over time. In July of this year we won custody of my 3 children from their mother. She had been jumping from homeless shelter to homeless shelter for almost a year and had ended up 1200 miles away. Not long after the children were with us things did naturally change. Less sleep more responsiblity. Her hours were longer at work. My hours were at night so I had the kids during the day and was unable to rest. Her car was reposesed and no bones about it I lost it bad. Screaming yelling cursing. I told her to get out. Said I wanted a divorce and had only used her to get the children. I was brutal, shamefuly so. I thought we had made up her friend had come to get her. I had already called someone to watch the kids. So I told her to spend the night with her friend. The next day we were ok or I thought so at least. The day after pretty much the same I was getting more irritated because she had not been able to contact teh bank and get any information on her car. Her car was the only financial responsiblity she had. I covered the rent and utlities. Bought gas for both vehicles and got her the job she now has. The night she actually left I woke for work and she more or less ambushed me with her friend. She left I was very upset that she had planned it all day and not at least given me an opportunity to find someone to watch the kids. We still had limited contact but I have had people leave before and come back in a few days so I wasn't worried. She showed up with her sister and brother in law and moved all of her things. I panicked and started to call and text. All of the things you are never supposed to do. It was all new territory for me. I didn't realize until it was (most likely) to late. She actually had dumped me like a highschool boyfriend. After all of the time we had spent together, trying to get custody of the kids. She was really gone. She wasn't comming back, there would be no make up. No I'm sorry. No nothing. She has since had an ovarian cyst rupture (I found out from her coworkers) She had emergency surgery. She could have died and still didn't tell me. Now she is ignoring me actively. She is living with a much older divorced woman. Still has no car and works with me and completely ignores me. It seems very obvious that this will end in divorce. I still hope she will try anything to save our marriage but as the days go by it is seeming more and more unlikely. Letters, cards, flowers while she was recovering from teh surgery. None of these have gotten me even a thank-you or a go to hell. I don't know if she wants a divorce or not. The old woman she lives with said she does, but she had been trying to get us to rent her house, or buy it or move in with her since we were married so as far as I'm concerned she wants to keep her. Other than waiting I'm at a loss of what I can do. I've pretty much decided I won't file for divorce. I'm attending councling by myself to deal with all of the emotions of suddenly becoming a single father of three. I still am having problems sleeping. It seems to get better somedays but others are very hard. Usually when I see her at work it is bitter sweet for me. I can tell there is still something there but it might just be disgust. If she wants a divorce she'll have to file for it. Other than that I don't know what I can do.

[Meatballsmom]

The one thing that is missing in your post is how much you love her.

 

". . . only used her to get the children . . ."

 

From the way I read it, it sounds as if you are upset that she has now refused to take on the role of your childrens babysitter

 

I also wonder what kind of man you are, "I have had people leave me before . . . "

[Harperpro]

Since you can't correctly quote what was actually written it would seem you have an agenda. Please don't post to this thread anymore.

[findingnemo]

Harper pro,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can understand what happened in your case based on what you have written. Let me advise accordingly and perhaps you can add some more details if only to clarify some things.

 

1. There is nothing IMO as stressful as becoming a single parent and the other parent is totally irresponsible. I too have my 3 kids and have to be both mum and dad to them. You can literally go nuts feeling like the only one who cares and your biggest critic is usually yourself. So I can understand the level of stress you're feeling and how it can make you testy, irritable, angry beyond reason, etc. You just have to accept it and make your life as comfortable for yourself as possible in order to be sane and be a good parent.

 

2. Your W must have also had a really hard time adjusting to 3 kids all of a sudden and to the changes she saw in you. People react differently to situations. Some people, like myself, put a lot of stock in words. I'm very careful when arguing or talking to say things in a loving and non-accusatory manner. I react very badly to people who fly off the handle and say hurtful things only to use anger as an excuse. Is your W like that? What you describe as the things you said must have been very hurtful. To tell her that you had her there only so you could win custody was out of this world. How do you expect her to ever forget what you said? How is she to know that you didn't mean it? Why did you say it if its not true? If all you wanted to do was hurt her, you succeeded quite nicely. She hasn't abandoned you. You pushed her away. At least that's how she sees it.

 

It's good you're seeing a councillor and hopefully will be able to organize your schedule with the kids to minimize stress. This you must do before you attempt to get back together with her. In the meantime, you could write her a letter telling her how much you love and appreciate her. Apologize for your behaviour and speak to specific things including the hurtful words. Explain that you are/were going crazy with stress and that you are getting some help with a councillor. Don't ask her to come back but tell her that you will wait for her should she decide to give you both another chance. Please do not start telling her about how she can't handle finances eg. Her car being repossessed and all that. The letter should be a window into your issues and how you see your faults. You can deal with her issues in the future when you can sit down and have a discussion about your R.

[Harperpro]

Findingnemo,

 

Thank you so much fro your reply. It is true becoming a single parent has been very diffucult. I do have some friends that have been helping me adjust. I chose to go to councling on my own because I can see that I need it no matter the outcome of my R with my W. I'm still crazy with stress but doing the best I can to cope with the situation. I/ve been trying to give my wife space but with her health the way it is I really wish I could help her. There are so many cold hearted people that say to give up and file for divorce so I cam "move on" only a few people are self aware to ask move on to what. I haven't tried to actually talk to her in over a month and the last time we spoke it did not go well. One of the largest unknown factors for me is what is going on with her health. I suspect she has PCOS and possibly other things going on as well. Though I did not explicitly spell it out for the less perceptive readers. I do love my wife very much that is why I married her. We had sexual problems, she was finaly going to the doctor when the car was repossesed. She cancelled her doctor's appointment to deal with the car situation which also contributed to our argument. We have never consumated our marriage. She has had severe menstral problems since before I knew her. Now she is going thru surgeries and taking medications than alter her hormones. I'm truely worried about her and that is making me frantic. It is nice to have annonomus input. I really can't thank you enough. Having the input of a woman that can see her POV is what I really was looking for. I don't expect her to forget the things I said. I do hope someday she can forgive me for what I said. If we must divorce because of my actions I would at least like to be on speaking terms with her. She was like my best friend, always brought a smile to my face and had a sweet way about her that I feel missing from everyday. I honestly don't know if she will ever speak to me again. I hope she does, but she may not. I have never doubted that I love her and I still love her deeply. I also know that the majority of this is my fault. Sure other things contributed to the situation but it was my reaction that caused us to be apart. I didn't think I could do as much as I have without her. I do hope she forgives me.

Edited November 25, 2011 by Harperpro
spelling errors

[findingnemo]

I don't think you should give up either. It seems like you have both been under tremendous stress lately. Write her that letter and give it sometime. With her illness, she can't make major decisions right now.

 

I feel for you because you may have to let go in order to calm things down a bit at home with the kids. Don't put in D papers unless you have both discussed it and she is adamant. Postponing that discussion will also help her get a better perspective. Perhaps you should find a way to let her know that you still care in ways she doesn't have to respond. If you have a common friend you both trust and respect, let that person take messages from you and let you know how she is.

 

Hang in there. This is not anywhere near a hopeless situation however much it feels like it right now. Be strong for both of you and work with your councillor.

[Harperpro]

I'm still hangning in there. I've worked up a draft of the letter and am going to wait until I see my councillor to decide to mail it or if anything I have written is in bad taste. Everyone that is close to the situation says it appears she has no intention of ever speaking to me again from her actions. We have no mutual friends as she has cut all communication with anyone I am remotely friendly with. I still haven't given up hope but I am looking into becoming more seperated from her. We did just have a major family holiday here and still no contact from her. At this point it does look like it would take a miracle to change things. Luckily I do believe in miracles. Either way I'll be in therapy for awhile.

 

It does seem kind of like we are in limbo for the moment at least. Maybe this is all over already and I just haven't accepted it yet. Either way without talking to her I'm at least able to keep things as they are for a while. It feels like purgatory.

[Harperpro]

I am having another related issue that I am having trouble coming to a decision on. I know she isn't well. She refuses to speak to me about our problems or anything else for that matter. It is time for our health insurance to be renewed and in my present financial situation I can't afford to keep paying for her insurance. I want to help her but already have to go to food banks to keep my children fed. She has had no contact with the children since she left. I really don't know what to do.

[findingnemo]

Don't renew her insurance. I know people will say that you're being malicious but if you have to choose between feeding your kids and paying for health insurance even for them, you'd choose food, right?

 

Keep going with IC and send a letter whatever form it takes. You can always pay for her insurance when you get back together. Regardless of who's wrong and who's right, people should expect the consequences of separation. Why do some people want to leave you but still want to hang on to the perks of being with you?

 

Hang in there, Harper. It's hard to be cut off like that but you can't really force her to speak to you. All you can do is keep going day by day.

[Harperpro]

Sorry but what is IC?

 

And thank you nemo.

Edited November 28, 2011 by Harperpro

[Harperpro]

Apparently she is under the impression that I will keep her insured indefinitely. As she related to my HR manager. I'll attempt to speak to her about the situation and if she agrees to pay the difference I'll be open to that. If she completely blows me off again I'll have to remove her from the insurance even though I really don't want to.

[Chi townD]

Right now, it's not about you or her. It's about those kids and providing for them. Make sure that they have everything that they need, THEN you can work on other things. But, the kids come first. If she can't understand that, well...that's her issue, not yours. If she can't even communicate to co-parent with you. Then you need to make the decisions that are in the best interests to those kids.

[Yasuandio]

Do both. Feed those young'ins and keep that insurance going. Get another job, if necessary. Cook economical, but nutricious meals. Yes - go to a food bank if you must. The last thing you want is your wife to have a terrible illness that is uncovered by insurance, right?

 

Don't worry, I won't post here again. I know when I'm not wanted in advance (I got the picture from how you responded to MeatBallMom!).

[Harperpro]

Actually I have no problem with your post at all. I'm not really worried about who posts. You didn't make wild assumptions about me and misquote me. I would love to be able to do both. However raising 3 children alone 4,7(with autism) and 12 with no family around for hundreds of miles and working two jobs is fairly immpossible. And I wouldn't have to go to a food bank I'm ALREADY going to food banks. She makes a decent wage and has health insurance available to her she just doesn't want to pay for it herself basically. That's all I ask of her. If she refuses to even speak to me I can't really justify depriving my children to pay for her illness. The last thing I want is my children to have to stay home alone watching cartoons while I work to support someone with a job that refuses to talk to me.

[Chi townD]

Then, there ya go. You answered your own question. She's got a job and the means to pay her own way. You have those kids to worry about.

[soserious1]

Apparently she is under the impression that I will keep her insured indefinitely. As she related to my HR manager. I'll attempt to speak to her about the situation and if she agrees to pay the difference I'll be open to that. If she completely blows me off again I'll have to remove her from the insurance even though I really don't want to.

 

If you insure your kids you are already on a family medical plan,how does dropping her coverage save any money ? Also,you might want to lawyer up before dropping her coverage,since you are still married you might still ne liable if she gets sick and needs hospital care.

[Harperpro]

Employee plus children plans are cheeper by $100 a month. She does have insurance available thru her employer. The rate increase is the issue. She will have to pay for her health insurance. Whatever her medical status is she has decided to exclude me from it. I'm filing for divorce later this month. I did check into her insurance availablity and she can get her own and have no lapse in coverage. So she can take care of her self if she chooses to. If she doesn't she can explain why in court. I did try to talk to her and she ran away into another room and cried. Complained that I will not leave her alone to someone we both know and stated that she does not want to be with me. Unfortunately this has gone on as long as my well being can stand. I still care about her but she is leaving me little choice in the matter now.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Harperpro

[findingnemo]

Employee plus children plans are cheeper by $100 a month. She does have insurance available thru her employer. The rate increase is the issue. She will have to pay for her health insurance. Whatever her medical status is she has decided to exclude me from it. I'm filing for divorce later this month. I did check into her insurance availablity and she can get her own and have no lapse in coverage. So she can take care of her self if she chooses to. If she doesn't she can explain why in court. I did try to talk to her and she ran away into another room and cried. Complained that I will not leave her alone to someone we both know and stated that she does not want to be with me. Unfortunately this has gone on as long as my well being can stand. I still care about her but she is leaving me little choice in the matter now.

 

Do you have an email address for her? Time to get formal. If you haven't already sent the letter telling her how you feel, you need to at least send her an email about the health insurance and how you can't pay, how she won't see you to discuss it and when exactly it will lapse. You can use this in court as evidence of communicating with her. Send it to her work email address but please include your numerous attempts to talk to her and how she has dodged you.

 

IC is Independent Councilling but some have another word for the "I". You go alone and I think you said you're doing that.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you'll be getting a divorce (D). But it may be for the best if she continues acting this way. Just because someone is sick doesn't mean that they can act anyway they want. In any case, she obviously doesn't care about your kids and your family unit. File the papers and have them served on her. She may refuse to appear in court. That will be a definate end to your M and to your suffering.