abrodskiy Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I have a lot to say, so I will try to condense it as much as possible. First, a little bit about myself and my relationship history. I am 26 and have never been in a relationship. It isn't for lack of trying or because "such-and-such" is wrong with me. I just seem to always be on the receiving end of bad luck. The first guy I dated ended up raping me. The second guy I dated ended up lying to me about what gender he was born as. Another guy I dated told me while we were watching TV at his house that he had dreams of killing me. Yet another guy I dated was molested as a child and said that he had to break things off with me because every time we had sex, he would view me as a child molester repeating his abuse, not as a mutual partner. There have been plenty of other dates, probably over 30 in total, but all of them ended up either being one-night stands who never wanted to speak to me again or men who were leading me on and using me to boost their confidence. I am not particularly here to whine about my lack of being able to find someone for a serious commitment, but I feel it's an important detail that might provide context. The longest of these dates lasted for two months, so even though it sucked being broken up with yet again, I didn't have much history that I needed to leave in the past. I didn't feel as hopeless as I do now. Of course, this concerns yet another guy I had been seeing. However, I really feel like we were perfect for each other. We found out to our delight that we shared a lot of the same interests, that we could go out together and have a great time. We were definitely very attracted to each other, and our feelings for each other were genuine. Everything was starting wonderfully, with all the passion and excitement and nervousness that a romance should begin with. But then one day, I noticed distance in his eyes and he told me that he was feeling burned out, that he wasn't sure what he wanted, and that he was going to leave because he didn't want to hurt me. There were warning signs, sure, but I didn't want to feel paranoid. He had just gotten out of a two-year relationship with someone else a month before we started dating, so I was aware that I could end up being a rebound. He also told me that he wasn't expecting to find someone else so suddenly, and that our sudden compatibility came as somewhat of a shock to him, since he was expecting to be single for quite a while. However, I had asked him what he wanted to do when he expressed this to me, and he said that he wanted to keep going, that even though he was scared at how fast things were going, he didn't want to lose me. I was trying to do everything correctly. I made it very clear that I was not interested in jumping into a relationship, and that I wanted him the freedom to be single for a while. We are both young, and I told him that there was no rush, to just enjoy where we are and let a relationship happen naturally. If anything, he was trying to push things too quickly. For a while, he would text me incessantly, and I wasn't bothered by it since I felt like he was genuinely interested in me. Sex was initiated by him, with my reservations that it was too soon, but he said to just "live with me." But in the end, the sex was fine too. I didn't feel ashamed or that I had ruined something. Also, I happened to meet up with a mutual friend of ours. After catching up a bit, I told him that I was dating this guy that he knew. He was happy for the two of us and encouraged me, but he said to be careful with this guy. I asked for clarification, and he told me that the guy I was dating had anger issues and could sometimes be a bit of an emotional wreck. My friend felt awkward for bringing this up to me, but insisted that I should know what I was getting myself into. I chose to ignore him because I hadn't experienced this side of my date. Anyway, soon after the breakup, I saw him again at a party with someone else. They were dancing in a very sexual way, and I got so angry that my friends realized that I was about to confront him, so they pulled me aside and told me to let it go, that he wasn't worth it. However, I felt so heart-broken that I texted him some awful stuff, and he texted me some awful stuff back. He was much angrier than me, and I realized that what my friend had warned me about was correct. He also found out that my friend had said stuff about him, and is now insisting that I had spies watching over him the whole time when that is not the case. He is using this whole "spy" thing as a justification over why he should have dumped me in the first place. He was already ruined his friendship with one guy because he believed that he was the one who warned me. I am very confused and hurt by all this, needless to say. I want to move on, but I truly feel like we were so compatible with each other. I have never met someone who made me feel so happy and alive. He has a dark side, but I was willing to put up with it if he would put up with mine. None of us are perfect, but he decided to end things without even giving me a chance. It is ironic that he is mad at me for pushing a relationship on him when it was actually the other way around, he was the one pushing it and I was trying to keep things realistic. However, I never wanted to lose him like this. I made a lot of mistakes early on about NC. After the breakup, I tried contacting him a lot because I wanted to speak with him about what was bothering him. Then we had that argument via text, and then I contacted him a couple more times to protest again. I now know that I should not try to make any contact with him, but it is so difficult to let this one go. I am trying to go out with new guys, but I keep thinking about him and wondering what he's doing and thinking about, that I end up sabotaging myself. I would really appreciate people with experience in relationships who could help me to understand...it seems like no matter what I do, it never works out. I know I am still young, but I feel like I missed out on so many opportunities to grow as a person and as a lover because I can't seem to find someone as serious as me. I don't want to be 35, only to realize I'm as inexperienced as I was when I was 18.
ChelseaLS Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I am sorry for all the crap you have had to encounter with relationships. Its a wonder you keep trying. What you're feeling right now with this last guy is pretty normal. We all were or are in the same boat... can't stop thinking about our ex's, what we could have done different, why we didn't see the signs etc. I even asked in a weak moment why it seemed I wasn't allowed a loving lasting relationship. Perhaps you need to stop looking per se. Just go out on dates for the fun of it and don't really expect anything. Every relationship, date, time spent with someone else gives you insight and experience so don't worry about getting older and feeling inexperienced.. you're always experiencing as long as you are out there.
Recommended Posts