Jono85 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 The guilt has been consuming me lately, I'm just not in love with her. We've been dating since the summer. We live about an hour away, and b/c of certain constraints have only seen each other 10-15 times, generally a weekend thing (but we've talked on the phone a LOT throughout). That being said, she is head over heels in love with me, whereas my feelings have always been in question, and I haven't responded with I love you back, but wanted to see where things went as I think she's a great girl. I know she's going to be absolutely crushed, as I seem like her only friend right now (I'm def her best friend, we talk at least an hour a day on the phone). I'm also going to miss her a TON...she's been basically my best friend too, we talk about everything. The situation: I would obviously rather tell her in person, but I'm in exams right now and need to allocate all of my time to studying. But at the same time, I'm supposed to be meeting up with her after my last exam for a work party, and I would feel uncomfortable going given the circumstances (she's super excited about that btw, esp since her coworkers haven't met this 'wonderful guy' yet...i feel like crap). Should I just tough it out, and go to her work party, and break up after that?? Or should I break up with her over the phone, before then, as I don't really have time to spend a 3-4 hour breakup trip.
Marz1974 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Hey there, I was your girlfriend about a week ago and my advice is do NOT put it off. It only hurts more and when she knows you knew some time ago but kept her stringing along until the time is right FOR YOU, she will be even more gutted. Call her and tell you her you need to talk and say as much as you can over the phone. Skype face to face? Webcam? There are options for you here rather than waiting. M
Glove_slap Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 If you respect her then you owe it to her to break up in person but since she'll most likely put in a lot of effort to looking good (like most women do) you're better off breaking it off via phone. If I was a girl I'd be pissed if I put in effort to look good only to get the break up call.
chados Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 The guilt has been consuming me lately, I'm just not in love with her. We've been dating since the summer. We live about an hour away, and b/c of certain constraints have only seen each other 10-15 times, generally a weekend thing (but we've talked on the phone a LOT throughout). That being said, she is head over heels in love with me, whereas my feelings have always been in question, and I haven't responded with I love you back, but wanted to see where things went as I think she's a great girl. I know she's going to be absolutely crushed, as I seem like her only friend right now (I'm def her best friend, we talk at least an hour a day on the phone). I'm also going to miss her a TON...she's been basically my best friend too, we talk about everything. The situation: I would obviously rather tell her in person, but I'm in exams right now and need to allocate all of my time to studying. But at the same time, I'm supposed to be meeting up with her after my last exam for a work party, and I would feel uncomfortable going given the circumstances (she's super excited about that btw, esp since her coworkers haven't met this 'wonderful guy' yet...i feel like crap). Should I just tough it out, and go to her work party, and break up after that?? Or should I break up with her over the phone, before then, as I don't really have time to spend a 3-4 hour breakup trip. dont have time to spend a few hour trip. give me a break. if you manage to keep a relationship going with that distance you should be able to have time to tell her in person. its just not fair to her. what would you say if a girl called you by phone saying, i want to break up with you. you would probably hate her. and since your best friend. i really think you should give this a thought. if you want to hurt her, break up with her.. if you want to disrespect her then you call her and tell.
lolita jade Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 It is harder to break up face to face. She will try and pursuade you if she really loves you and that will make you put off what you really want to do. I advise phone, skype or web cam. Any thing but text. And be as honest as you can without saying you dont love her. dont say that.
chados Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 It is harder to break up face to face. She will try and pursuade you if she really loves you and that will make you put off what you really want to do. I advise phone, skype or web cam. Any thing but text. And be as honest as you can without saying you dont love her. dont say that. i have to disagree here. doesn't she got the right to defend herself?.
Author Jono85 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 (edited) Yeah I realize phone just isn't an option; i DO have a lot of respect for her. To be honest I'm not 100% sure this is the right thing to do. I think all the reasons I want to stay however, are all the wrong reasons. For example, I don't think she'd ever cheat on me (we've both never cheated) and I know she would ALWAYS 100% support me and stand by me. She also is the type to do so much for others, and I do find that very attractive, and almost unusual to be honest, given my ex girlfriends. BUT, there are things missing. I've never felt I had a huge crush on her really. She's also very clingy and dependent, and I've never felt like I had to do much work in capturing her heart. She's been through so much though and I don't want to hurt her any more; she IS a very special person to me, just for whatever reason I don't get certain feelings around her. But she does make me very happy at times; maybe because she's so accepting of who I am, and I feel so comfortable around her. I have insecurities too, but she makes them go away. The flip-side to that is, she doesn't push me, ever. And I want someone who betters me, and pushes me to achieve more. She also *hates* when I push her (just wants me to listen to her troubles without any input). She also guilts me a ton for certain things, and my siblings think she's very manipulative b/c of it. Lastly, she's extremelyyyy emotional. She's probably cried, no joke, close to 50 times either in front of me or on the phone. And she starts many fights due to her guilting nature, but then apologizes for them after recognizing her insecurities about us (me) led her to start the fight. Man, think I need to ponder it a bit more, and if/when I decide for sure, I will make sure to do it in person. Edited November 23, 2011 by Jono85
Author Jono85 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 Thanks for all the feedback by the way, any more would be appreciated.
chados Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Yeah I realize phone just isn't an option; i DO have a lot of respect for her. To be honest I'm not 100% sure this is the right thing to do. I think all the reasons I want to stay however, are all the wrong reasons. For example, I don't think she'd ever cheat on me (we've both never cheated) and I know she would ALWAYS 100% support me and stand by me. She also is the type to do so much for others, and I do find that very attractive, and almost unusual to be honest, given my ex girlfriends. BUT, there are things missing. I've never felt I had a huge crush on her really. She's also very clingy and dependent, and I've never felt like I had to do much work in capturing her heart. She's been through so much though and I don't want to hurt her any more; she IS a very special person to me, just for whatever reason I don't get certain feelings around her. But she does make me very happy at times; maybe because she's so accepting of who I am, and I feel so comfortable around her. I have insecurities too, but she makes them go away. The flip-side to that is, she doesn't push me, ever. And I want someone who betters me, and pushes me to achieve more. She also *hates* when I push her (just wants me to listen to her troubles without any input). She also guilts me a ton for certain things, and my siblings think she's very manipulative b/c of it. Lastly, she's extremelyyyy emotional. She's probably cried, no joke, close to 50 times either in front of me or on the phone. And she starts many fights due to her guilting nature, but then apologizes for them after recognizing her insecurities about us (me) led her to start the fight. Man, think I need to ponder it a bit more, and if/when I decide for sure, I will make sure to do it in person. you shouldn't just be with her because your afraid of her being alone and insecure, thats not right for either of you. im glad your deciding to do it in person. respect!
lolita jade Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Love isnt just about lust and wanting them to be the perfect person for you. No one will be perfect. It sounds as though you really need to think whether you do want her or not. She is an individual and not responsibly for pushing you. She is probably happy with you just as you are. If, however, you know she is not the one for you then do it sooner rather than later. Have you seen some hot girls locally/ or have your eye on one and is this making you question driving 1 hour and the cost of fuel to see her. You need th weigh it all up. But dont her hurt her more than you have to by stringing her along.
Author Jono85 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 Love isnt just about lust and wanting them to be the perfect person for you. No one will be perfect. It sounds as though you really need to think whether you do want her or not. She is an individual and not responsibly for pushing you. She is probably happy with you just as you are. If, however, you know she is not the one for you then do it sooner rather than later. Have you seen some hot girls locally/ or have your eye on one and is this making you question driving 1 hour and the cost of fuel to see her. You need th weigh it all up. But dont her hurt her more than you have to by stringing her along. No, not at all. I just have 2 really big exams that I have a ton of studying left to do for, but this has been on my mind a lot. But you're right if I want to do it before I see her next, then I will take 3-4 hrs and do it properly. And that's the thing too, I don't have my eye on ANYone really, and yet still have all these doubts. Imagine what happens when I meet someone I really click with randomly.
lolita jade Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Just make sure its not due to exam worry. This may make you feel like you want out due to extra pressure. If you are sure do it but be honest and tactful. I would try to warn her you need a serious chat before you go so she is not quite so shell shocked.
chados Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 No, not at all. I just have 2 really big exams that I have a ton of studying left to do for, but this has been on my mind a lot. But you're right if I want to do it before I see her next, then I will take 3-4 hrs and do it properly. And that's the thing too, I don't have my eye on ANYone really, and yet still have all these doubts. Imagine what happens when I meet someone I really click with randomly. dont you just hate doubts, realize what you had when its gone?. i started to think about your text, her being clingy, you could expect that with the distance between you, i had the same problem with my ex. and when she dumped me, well i realized that her being clingy didn't really bother me. you might wanna think this through?
ChelseaLS Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I think it would be harsh to put it off, have her introduce you to all her friends and co-workers only to break up with her. However I do think she deserves the respect of a gentle face to face break up... so all in all I am not help, sorry.
Author Jono85 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 dont you just hate doubts, realize what you had when its gone?. i started to think about your text, her being clingy, you could expect that with the distance between you, i had the same problem with my ex. and when she dumped me, well i realized that her being clingy didn't really bother me. you might wanna think this through? Honestly, the only thing that keeps holding me back, is that I KNOW I'm going to absolutely crush her. I've never hurt someone like this and I'm getting very anxious just thinking about it. This isn't one of those 'well maybe she won't actually be as hurt as you think', no, this is bad. But it's not like I haven't hinted the whooole time that I didn't feel the same as her, she knows that. But it doesn't matter, she still always told me how much I was the one for her (well for the last couple months anyway), and she'd wait for me, etc etc. In fact I already tried breaking up with her in the past, when I got all this same sense of guilt, but she essentially forced me to stay with her (I know, morelike I got weak) and asked how I could do this to her at that time, and started guilting me very very hard, crying uncontrollably, and hysterically. I just hate this. I'm not a cold hearted person but I could cry just thinking how much this is going to hurt her. She lives on her own right now, no friends in her new town, no support. I feel so bad for her, but she's early 20s, it shouldn't be the end of the world. Bah.
Author Jono85 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 So assuming I break up with her, how do I start? Ie. Do I say "babe, I'm coming to see you b/c we need to talk" ??? She's going to know it's really bad, b/c she knows how much studying I need to be doing for my exams.. Any advice?
chados Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Honestly, the only thing that keeps holding me back, is that I KNOW I'm going to absolutely crush her. I've never hurt someone like this and I'm getting very anxious just thinking about it. This isn't one of those 'well maybe she won't actually be as hurt as you think', no, this is bad. But it's not like I haven't hinted the whooole time that I didn't feel the same as her, she knows that. But it doesn't matter, she still always told me how much I was the one for her (well for the last couple months anyway), and she'd wait for me, etc etc. In fact I already tried breaking up with her in the past, when I got all this same sense of guilt, but she essentially forced me to stay with her (I know, morelike I got weak) and asked how I could do this to her at that time, and started guilting me very very hard, crying uncontrollably, and hysterically. I just hate this. I'm not a cold hearted person but I could cry just thinking how much this is going to hurt her. She lives on her own right now, no friends in her new town, no support. I feel so bad for her, but she's early 20s, it shouldn't be the end of the world. Bah. well then you know what you have to do. it sucks, but its not okey to stay together because you dont wanna hurt her. but make sure you do it in person
Author Jono85 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 So assuming I break up with her, how do I start? Ie. Do I say "babe, I'm coming to see you b/c we need to talk" ??? She's going to know it's really bad, b/c she knows how much studying I need to be doing for my exams.. Any advice? What about "babe, I'm on my way to see you, I need to talk to you :(" with the sad face, so basically she knows what I'm coming to do? Or just leave it at I'm coming to talk. I think either way she's going to know it's bad/breakup, but I almost feel like I want to warn her with the sad face ??
ChelseaLS Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Jon, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Don't you deserve to be happy too? As for starting the process... I personally think no pet names/ nicknames, anything endearing... just sends mixed messages.
chados Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 What about "babe, I'm on my way to see you, I need to talk to you :(" with the sad face, so basically she knows what I'm coming to do? Or just leave it at I'm coming to talk. I think either way she's going to know it's bad/breakup, but I almost feel like I want to warn her with the sad face ?? i dont know, maybe you should just go there without telling her and call her when your there. i have no idea actually. its gonna be a sad day however you do it.
chados Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Jon, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Don't you deserve to be happy too? As for starting the process... I personally think no pet names/ nicknames, anything endearing... just sends mixed messages. i agree here. i got mixed signals from my ex, "she said, i dont know ". and that kept going for a week. i even feel bad for helping someone to break up even if its for a good cause, since i know how much it will hurt. and the best thing to do is to be honest and show her respect
EgoJoe Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 How about you tell her the truth and just do it? Be a man. It will hurt but it's the right thing to do and in the long run will help her out more.
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