mittk Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 (edited) Me and this girl broke up about two months ago but we have been texting casually for the past three weeks, with ten days of no contact as she was out of town. She has been responding to my texts very quickly (immediately) and was keen to chat. After about five days of casual texting, I decided to ask her if she wanted to go out. I didn’t expect this reaction, but here is what happened. Now I need to know if I have been unreasonable or inappropriate or the other way round. ME: Hey, do you want to go out sometime? (Silence. Three hours later I see her on Skype, and send her an IM.) ME: Hey, no hanging out? Her: Oh sorry I forgot to reply. (At the same moment she texts a reply) ME: Am I forcing you to hang out? It’s cool. HER: No, I am just super busy this week. ME: I am busy this wee too you know. I am going home for the holidays. I didn’t ask specifically this week[/FONT][/sIZE] HER: Don’t give me attitude. ME: No I’m really not, everything is cool. I am very laid back. HER: I don’t think you are. ME: I hate to be giving that impression, I am not angry or anything. HER: It’s not about anger, but it seems that finding out whether I want to go out or not is a lot of trouble for you. ME: Well yeah, when I text my friends asking to go out it’s usually a lot simpler to get a yes or a no. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you. I guess you don’t care either way? HER: I could or couldn’t go out, I haven’t made any social plans for the coming week due to holidays and family visits. But at this point, no, I don’t want to go out because I hate having to explain myself all the time. ME: My question didn’t have a time frame. I am going away so even if you wanted to hang out it wouldn’t have been for another couple of weeks. I think you are being polite by not slamming a ‘no’ in my face, so I’ll take the hint and not ask you anymore. I didn’t think asking a simple ‘do you ever want to hang out’ would put so much pressure on you. Sorry if it did. HER: I am getting annoyed that whatever I reply results in more nonsense so I will stop addressing this now. ME: More nonsense? Why the animosity? I am just apologizing to you for asking to hang out. HER: I don’t want to talk about this anymore. ME: I’m sorry. HER: I’m sorry too. ME: Take care. Her reaction caught me by extreme surprise, and I don’t know where and why the breakdown occurred. We are both in our late 20s, so not children anymore. At this point I am curious to hear from another pair of eyes if I was being unreasonable in any way, perhaps too pushy or needy and where I made a mistake, or if she is the one being unreasonable. Opinions? Edited November 22, 2011 by mittk
ShannonMI Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 No, you weren't pushy sounding or needy. You asked if she wanted to hang out sometime. Not a big deal. To be honest she sounds like a f*cking bitch. Very rude. I'd lose her number if I were you.
Lil1 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 This is where you went wrong: ME: Am I forcing you to hang out? It’s cool Seems pushy and/or needy. Like you expected an immediate yes. She is your ex now right? So treat her like one. She certainly has no qualms about dismissing you: HER: I am getting annoyed that whatever I reply generates in more nonsense so I will stop addressing this now. Her response should be a clear indication to you that she doesn't want to 'hang out' with you. You annoy her. This is not how a true friend would respond. I know I'm sounding harsh but it's for your own good. Please let her go and move on. She will reach out to you when and if she's really ready to be your friend... but I think the real question you have to ask yourself is Why do you still want her friendship and is friendship really what you want from her. I say put the past behind you now and put your efforts towards people that actually welcome your company and care about you.
ScienceGal Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 She has bad news written all over her. She's already annoyed with you and all you did was ask her out!? Next... Also, the "why" is unimportant. It wasn't you, she clearly has her own issues.
loversquarrel Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Did you break up with her? - If so she's probably upset/p.o.'d and doesn't want to deal with you. Two months have gone by, she's probably over you but wants to stick it up your a**. Be thankful you are broken up, she appears to be a drama queen.
ScienceGal Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I reread the post and was going to edit mine. She is not interested. She tried to be nice once with "I forgot to reply". She didn't forget. You pushed the issue several times after and when she showed she was irritated, you kept looking for info and interaction. She doesn't want to commit to spending time with you. Walk away. If you hear from her, I'll be surprised. Sorry, but better to see how touchy she is now. What a nightmare!
CarrieT Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 ME: Am I forcing you to hang out? It’s cool. ME: I am busy this wee too you know. I am going home for the holidays. I didn’t ask specifically this week[/FONT][/sIZE] ME: Well yeah, when I text my friends asking to go out it’s usually a lot simpler to get a yes or a no. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you. I guess you don’t care either way? ME: My question didn’t have a time frame. I am going away so even if you wanted to hang out it wouldn’t have been for another couple of weeks. I think you are being polite by not slamming a ‘no’ in my face, so I’ll take the hint and not ask you anymore. I didn’t think asking a simple ‘do you ever want to hang out’ would put so much pressure on you. Sorry if it did. Opinions? I bolded those statements you made which - to me - seem very passive/aggressive. I might have gotten on my high-horse as well and I think both of you are culpable for the disintegration of the conversation; you fed off each others' angst but I can see how it happened.
Author mittk Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the replies. I agree that there is a lot of underlying drama going on with her that she hasn't voiced. Had I not confronted her about the going out she would probably have kept casually texting for days, or weeks. But why? Why is she super friendly when texting but so cold when faced with the prospect of actually meeting up? I think, as some have pointed out I may have pushed the issue a little too much which ultimately turned her off. I know she is busy with family for the next week - but why not say it? Why not just respond and say she can't go out? When she saw me online she quickly responded to my text with "when are you thinking?" which I ignored and started conversing with her online instead. Have I killed any hope of us ever talking again? She hasn't deleted me from her Facebook yet. Then again, she probably oesn't care if I'm there or not anyway. Edited November 23, 2011 by mittk
Janesays Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Yeah, I think you got a little passive aggressive too. She got overly angry, but I'm guessing you probably pushed buttons you've before.
daphne Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the replies. I agree that there is a lot of underlying drama going on with her that she hasn't voiced. Had I not confronted her about the going out she would probably have kept casually texting for days, or weeks. But why? Why is she super friendly when texting but so cold when faced with the prospect of actually meeting up? I think, as some have pointed out I may have pushed the issue a little too much which ultimately turned her off. This was my take on it as well. You came across as pushy and needy. Once or twice was enough. You didn't let it go. I know she is busy with family for the next week - but why not say it? She did say she was busy. You didn't really accept her no. This is why she over reacted. Why not just respond and say she can't go out? When she saw me online she quickly responded to my text with "when are you thinking?" which I ignored and started conversing with her online instead. Have I killed any hope of us ever talking again? She hasn't deleted me from her Facebook yet. Then again, she probably oesn't care if I'm there or not anyway. I would have been seriously annoyed with the pushing myself. And since you don't appear to let go easily, I would have probably started ignoring you. My guess is that in the past she has avoided you when you have pushed her. I don't think you can recover when she shows you this much disrespect. Yeah, I think you got a little passive aggressive too. She got overly angry, but I'm guessing you probably pushed buttons you've before. I agree. I think on the surface, if you've never experienced this kind of behavior before, he seems benign. But if you have, you know it can get under your skin. Granted, she overreacted but in a certain way I understand (not condone.) He keeps pushing, while telling her he's laid back. Which she knows in her gut isn't true or he wouldn't be pushing her. Edited November 23, 2011 by daphne
Author mittk Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 Did I really not accept her no? I think I did, but her no only came after I asked her twice or more whether she wants to go out and what the deal was. My thoughts were this: firstly she took three hours to reply, then she made up the excuse she forgot (which she really didn't), and then she wouldn't explain herself until after I asked for explanations. I know I was somewhat pushy in getting to the explanations, but this was coming from the point of view of wanting her to be open with me about whether she genuinely wants to hang out or not. She was very evasive with answering whether she wants to go out. I haven't usually been pushy nor have we ever argued before. I still don't know whether she ever wanted to hang out or was just being polite by texting me in such a friendly tone. I felt as though I was drawing blood from a stone. How hard was it for her to say "hey sure, but i am busy this week so perhaps next week" or just "no".
daphne Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Did I really not accept her no? I think I did, but her no only came after I asked her twice or more whether she wants to go out and what the deal was. This is as far as I got in reading. No, you didn't. If she felt you did accept it, you would have gotten a much softer reaction. Women are a lot more subtle about turning a guy down. We often aren't as assertive as we could be because we're too busy trying not to hurt someone's feelings. We figure you'll get the hint when we stop responding. If a woman stops responding, stop contacting her. It's understood. And I really do think you were being passive aggressive. Perhaps you could google it to see what I mean by that.
Author mittk Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 This is as far as I got in reading. No, you didn't. If she felt you did accept it, you would have gotten a much softer reaction. Women are a lot more subtle about turning a guy down. We often aren't as assertive as we could be because we're too busy trying not to hurt someone's feelings. We figure you'll get the hint when we stop responding. If a woman stops responding, stop contacting her. It's understood. And I really do think you were being passive aggressive. Perhaps you could google it to see what I mean by that. I see what you mean and I agree about the passive agressiveness. I think I didn't take the no response as a "no" - that much I agree with. But after having been talking friendly for weeks (And dating beforehand), what was so wrong about following up on an invite to go out and actually asking (and expecting) a civilized response? Perhaps as you say she just expected me to treat her silence as a hint. But why, really. I still think she completely overreacted.
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I wonder if texting and IM's didn't exist if this would be happening. Texting and stuff just seems so non personal! Whatever happened to picking up the phone and speaking to someone directly to make plans? Anyway, back off, she's irked and definately not interested anymore.
daphne Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I see what you mean and I agree about the passive agressiveness. I think I didn't take the no response as a "no" - that much I agree with. But after having been talking friendly for weeks (And dating beforehand), what was so wrong about following up on an invite to go out and actually asking (and expecting) a civilized response? Perhaps as you say she just expected me to treat her silence as a hint. But why, really. I still think she completely overreacted. I think she overreacted as well. In a sense, she wasn't assertive enough to tell you how she felt and expected you to read her mind. She got frustrated that you didn't. I think you would be better off to put it out there once and wait. If a girl gets flakey, non responsive or wishy washy, then you take the hint and move on to the next person who'll be more responsive or at least direct. She's not here, or I'd tell her she needed to be more direct. All you can do is look for the queues to avoid wasting your time in the future.
mammamia1 Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I'm a 20 something years old girl and the convo definitely sounds pushy to me. You should of switched the topic right when she said she's busy. The fact that the convo dragged on about that subject... not cool why does it matter? why do u have to keep talking about asking her out? sorry to say. Hope u'll learn next time.
Emilia Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I disagree with the comments that you were passive-aggressive, I think you said those things out of feeling defensive, precisely because you were anticipating that she was going to say no and you sort of expected that. The reason for her over-reaction would be much more clear if we knew why the two of you broke up. I don't think you pushed her unduly, you just wanted clarification after the two of you texted back and forth for weeks. I have just done the same thing with an ex a couple of days ago. Do you want to go out yes or no, don't waste my time otherwise, simple. If she broke up with you, she might be feeling guilty, hence the texts. If you broke up with her, she might be anxious.
SingleinSouth Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 The reason for her over-reaction would be much more clear if we knew why the two of you broke up. Yeah that. It has to do with history. If she broke up, what are you doing asking her out again? If you broke up, I'm sure she is really confused and pissed why you would casually contact her again for a date. Explain the breakup and how long you dated please.
RiverRunning Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 You first went wrong when you said, " I am busy this wee too you know. I am going home for the holidays. I didn’t ask specifically this week." That "You know" comes off as patronizing and insulting. But after she gave you the go-around the first time, you had your answer. Anything other than an outright "Yes" is a no, even if she's dancing around the topic. But we don't know why you broke up or how long you dated or even who broke up with you. I get the feeling that you have probably asked things and then pressed and pressed her for an answer in the past. She's the type of person who recedes and stops responding, which only increases your anxiety and pushes you to continue demanding answers. The end result is rarely a good one with that combination.
Author mittk Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 We broke up because she was not ready for a relationship, but still admitted she had feelings for me, and said she just needed time. We have always been friendly. I asked her to go out casually a few weeks ago right before she left town and she immediately said she'd be up for it (no delay on that one) when she got back. So when she got back after a week or so of texting back and forth, the above discussion happened. I don't think you pushed her unduly, you just wanted clarification after the two of you texted back and forth for weeks. I have just done the same thing with an ex a couple of days ago. Do you want to go out yes or no, don't waste my time otherwise, simple. That's exactly what I thought. I expected a straight answer, not a three hour delay followed by a "i'm busy this week" when pushed to answer. What does that mean? That you want to go out the week after? Anything other than an outright "Yes" is a no, even if she's dancing around the topic. I think this is what I should have picked up, but I blindly hoped she'd be more direct. Darn it.
phobos Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 No, you weren't pushy sounding or needy. You asked if she wanted to hang out sometime. Not a big deal. To be honest she sounds like a f*cking bitch. Very rude. I'd lose her number if I were you. Yea, you would know something about "sounding" like a total f*cking bitch...
dasein Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 OP doesn't seem pushy at all to me. Women need to learn how to tell men they aren't interested in a plain, direct way. "No, I don't want to hang out, we broke up for a reason and I still feel the same. Best wishes to you. I have to go now." and that's that. Have never understood what is so difficult about being plain and direct to the female psyche, and don't buy the "women were raised to please" "women don't like to say no" reasoning at all. Women certainly have no problem saying no and stating their wishes directly in other areas of life. This seems to be a recurrent problem here where a woman who is probably not interested refuses to give a guy a clear statement of such.
phobos Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Bitches can't be trusted. it is their way to manipulate attention, for their whorish, cold sore covered ways. How CAN you trust something, that bleeds for 5 days and does not die? YOU CAN'T!!!
gaius Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Not answering is an answer in itself, it means no. You're making her repeat herself which I'm sure she finds annoying. She's probably got something else going on at the moment.
Feelsgoodman Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I think you can safely put this one under "bitches be crazy".
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